We Don't Want Your Kind

Party Leader of Mars for Martians released a statement shortly after the historic landing of the rover, Perseverance.

My fellow Martians,

Again, our great red planet has been invaded by uninvited guests. No, the dysfunctional species that call themselves “human beings” have not yet stepped foot on our great planet, but it is only a matter of time now that yet again a rover has been dropped onto the beautiful landscape of our home.

I'm all for immigrating to Mars , but only if it is done legally. Like my grandparents did when they came to Mars with a bindle stiff and what was barely fifty Martian cents between them. They did not just jump on the nearest Mars bound mining shuttle, they didn’t bypass the Galactic Council’s protocols and they sure as shit didn't join some space caravan made up of derelicts from across the galaxy. No, they came to this great planet legally.

Can you imagine? You're a hard working citizen of the Arabia Terra and then deadbeats from Earth show up trying to live off of the martian teet. Taking all the good paying martian jobs, bringing crack cocaine and heroin to your wholesome martian neighborhood.

Luring your pure martian wives and daughters with their big earthling dicks and rock and roll music.

Sure, they possess some skills that on their planet are considered “highly skilled”, but of what use are those skills to us? How many Martian jobs will be lost to the foreign invaders?

Why don’t the Earthlings make their planet better and just stay there?

I will tell you why, it is because we are the greatest planet in the galaxy.

Why are they so intent on coming here when there are plenty of other places to go to? I mean, they could have went in the other direction, no?

Forget the minor detail of the Sun vaporizing their weak human bodies as that is just a bleeding heart talking point.

They chose us because they want a piece of our great economy. They don’t want to work, they want to lay around and collect martian benefits. These parasites want to take away what is the birthright of the martian people, our resources and the wealth gained from our hard work. Our miners, our great engineers, and the brave members of Martian law enforcement who risk their lives every day to protect us, this planet belongs to them, to us, to you!

This is how the spoiling of our planet and our species begins. This is the first step, they come without invitation and don’t even bring a gift. Not so much as a big shiny red Washington State apple or a slice of Chicago Pizza came aboard their other pesky aircrafts. That is why I propose the construction of our Atmospheric Space Wall. The ASW will deter and prevent these galactic freeloaders from coming uninvited...and they're gonna pay for the ASW.

If we fail to act now, the economic impact that lies ahead is a disastrous one.

The cultural impact will be catastrophic. Millions of Martians will be forced into food lines as our economy crashes and soon after that, our utopic society will begin to come apart at its seams.

Next thing you know, our little green martian women will be giving birth to strange looking hybrids and our precious martian language will begin to become even more useless. This hybrid species that will be the result of human and martian intercourse will be a most foul one. We have to take only the best creatures in this galaxy.

I say no, I say to these Earthlings, you are not welcome here. We don’t want your kind here.

Mars for Martians!

Update: Shortly after the Party Leader of the Mars for Martians released his statement the rover called Perseverance was ambushed by a group of angry martians. The mob flipped the Rover over and stripped it of its parts.