The Magic Formula
A love letter to everyone I’ve ever loved, every human being who ever was, who is.
This starts and ends with a little black book, this is a love letter to everyone I’ve ever loved, to everyone I’ve encountered, my long lost relatives and ancestors, every human being who ever was, who is. The ideologies and values that were instilled, creating pain and suffering. The experiences that lead me to the path I walk today. To every witch and healer, the believers and dreamers, the movers, makers, and worldly shakers. To the heroes on the front line, the children creating their future, and to the all the parents doing their best. To the history of our species who lived, loved and evolved, creating the foundation of our everlasting light.
Humans, individually live just short lives. However, we crave to be a part of something much bigger, we all experience an all knowing purpose that lingers deep inside, and this feeling can be distorted through our childhood encounters and traumas. So instead we fight; ourselves and one another, blaming the worlds problems on singular aspects, instead of a complex network of interconnected focuses beyond anyones control. And yet we live on, with unanswered questions to our existence, misunderstood and hurt, we endure that, what is known to be truth. Where race, class, age, size, shape, colour, gender and sexuality fall into a category which determines your future of privilege or discrimination. And we accept the life given without hesitation, because that purpose that lingers is real, trying to guide us home.
As a child I grew up on a council estate with my Mum, Nan and Auntie. I was surrounded by women. As I grew I sensed a future that did not resonate with me. I knew one day I would wake up looking just like one of them, a woman, and that terrified me. I refused to wear anything stereotyped as feminine in the eyes of my mother, strictly tracksuits and football kits. I’d hang around with boys just to feel accepted in my masculinity. My gender was questioned daily, and eventually I was stripped of my identity, along with my self-esteem. However, I got to wear my football kit and persevered with the humiliation in fear of abandonment.
In a state of shame and guilt, I entered High School cloaked in darkness, jittering around the corridors listening to 90’s hiphop and disco, that I clearly inherited from my Mother. I didn’t quite fit into any of the cliques, instead I would alternate between them all inheriting the ability to adapt. My mental health deteriorated throughout education, and the anxiety of how people perceived me sunk in deeply. At this point I went into survival mode, sick of answering questions about my identity, I developed coping mechanisms, one being in my appearance. I uniquely embodied a disguise that exuded confidence, and it all came with a flick of a fringe and baggy clothes. I no longer felt my body shape could decipher my gender. I become comfortable with the reputation of a tomboy for the first time. This made me comfortable in my identity, which opened an inquisition regarding my sexuality. I found myself connecting with people online, noticing an attraction to girls that cultivated something I wanted, acceptance, or so it seemed. For a long period of my life I tried to regain my power through the perception of others, but I would often feel misunderstood, confused and desperate. It seemed no one could see me or at least perceive me how I wanted to be. But in the realms of the internet I found parts of myself in people that resembled something that seemed familiar and likeable. And later on found myself lost in the world of escapism. On this path I sacrificed my health for acceptance and freedom, I experimented and delved into my sexuality. Consequently I became dependant on drugs, people, sex, food, anything that resembled love. I was an addict, and over time binge eating presented itself as a disease called bulimia, which I hid very well in my baggy clothes. It wasn’t until recent years that I realised dysmorphia of the body interlinked with the gender confusion I had always felt.
Barely afloat and in a pool of self-pity, I fell in love. Even in my questionable state of mind, I was certain. I loved everything about her. Her essence outer-worldly, she was simply divine. I recognised her spirit from the moment I met her, like we had past life or something. Regardless of our connection, our pain projected onto one another which inevitably damaged our connection. We could only give from the perspective of who we were and what we had, which from my perspective wasn’t a lot as could barely look myself in the mirror. Most nights we spent together we would stand in the mirror picking faults with ourselves which in all honesty at the time seemed cute. We both deserved better, a lot better. And in separation we were able to see with even greater clarity the empty void we filled with one another, full of expectations and unrealistic goals, we were setting ourselves up for failure.
As my ego shattered, which I now recognise as a blessing, I was led to the pursuit of happiness. Ignited with fuel, I took the opportunity to set myself free. The patterns of my past had concluded to wisdom and self-love. I no longer just existed, I was alive, and the need to escape disappeared. I was ready to unravel myself, expose myself to the fear of becoming nothing. Releasing the extortionate pain of every emotion repressed I had the potential to become anything, to be everything I need and want. Being set free feels incredibly uncomfortable and unsafe in relation to continuing to play out what I’ve always known. Choosing to honour the timing, being open and gentle with myself as I forgive my younger self for these are ancestral patterns I adopted in order to cope with an environment that felt unsafe.
And on the other side of embracing these emotions, I am liberated.
This is no ordinary love story. You can make the best or the worst of it, but I'm here to tell you choose you, choose happiness. Live in the present moment and celebrate every tiny joy. Listen to your body, and reflect on your day. Be okay with not knowing all the answers. Love can be found through the act of loving. Create the love you want to attract. Bring your best self everyday, and if you’re not at your best, excuse yourself because you have every right to rest. Remember to question your state of mind, and rewire your wires. Healing is about creating a new perspective, so practice new thoughts, new beliefs, make it a priority, until one day you no longer recognise the life you once lived.
Sat in bed on a Monday evening with the sun dripping thick into my bedroom, I closed my eyes and spoke to the universe. “Why are you here?” In that moment, I relaxed into a realisation, I could hardly recognise the “old me” any more, the world was open to an infinite of possibilities, A life with purpose and personal identity. Deeply connected relationships, abundant health, and not to mention wealth beyond my wildest dreams. I am exploring my own identity without external influence and false-confidence. I have had the chance to reclaim my power that I lost to societal pressures and a warped self-perception that left me in survival mode. Healing is a commitment, it is rest, joy, and creativity. We don’t have to carry the weight of the world’s trauma and injustice within us. This energy blocks us from manifesting the lives we want, need, and deserve. We perform every single day, and for who? We are conditioned to fear our true authentic selves, bound by an idea that what we see is. Our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the Universe has allowed us to expect miracles whilst sat in fear, guilt and shame. I ask myself is this the life I want to live? Is this the persona I want to love? Is this the best I can be? Can I be kinder, more compassionate, giving, forgiving? Can I be more?
You can change or stay the same, it’s your choice. But I want you to imagine love. Now remove that idea completely, and instead imagine waking up with a feeling of ecstasy, you feel beautiful and when you smile you know you’re present, abundant, you have everything you need. You suddenly realise you see yourself in a different light, and everyday you fall, deeper and deeper in love. And over time you build a calibre of new habits, beliefs, ideas and values that correlate with your spirit, you create memories that truly matter and align with who you are. Their impact, the permanence, and the degree to which they change you has completely shedded you of your former self, you have become nobody and everything. You are in a state of bliss, cultivating consciousness and transforming. You notice that when you love, you strive to become better than you are. When you strive to become better than you are, everything around you becomes better too. In fact, if you inherently long for something, become it first. If you want love, embody love. If you want £20000, you must give as much energy out into the world. You will receive back for everything you’ve ever given and everything you will ever give. Give without expectations or attachments to specific outcomes because your energy comes back how you need it, not how you want it. You are your essential nutrient, you are everything you need. Practice gratitude with a deep sense of emotion, feel the rapture of your thoughts, and over time you will see, everything you’ve ever desired was already within you, waiting for you to open up your heart to the universe in order to receive. We have to choose to let go of the external distraction and focus on our inner world. We have to choose to practice gratitude for all we have and allow ourselves to be content in the present moment, without seeking more or demanding change.
Looking down at my little black book, I realised this is where it all began. It’s going to unlock an abundance of joy, peace, and purpose. Taking energy in, storing it, then releasing the energy back into the universe. Fill the pages with gratitude, this energy is what empowers us to live our best lives. Firstly, ground yourself, breathe, harmonise, express, experiment, integrate, transcend, ascend. Don't fight the old, but build the new. Live life with purpose and intention, journal and practice. The life-changing magic formula so many of us search for is in our daily habits, in our self-development, in appreciation. Remember where attention goes energy flows, so uncover the magic within and you’ll see the mystical wonders of the universe pour upon you. Be conscious, and feel deeply. You are your little black book, manifest. And remember that you are blessed. You are loved. You are all thing things you could ever wish for in a person. You might just have to alter your perspective to see it.