The Last Glass Of Merlot

The dim light coming from the small nightstand glittered throughout the sleeper berth of Katrielle's eighteen-wheeler. She felt like she had been treading the edges of scalpel blades for weeks driving over highways packed with ice and snow. Earlier in the evening, Jonathan had called and Katrielle had forced herself not to answer. But later that same evening, her mint, green eyes lingered over the time-stamp of the missed call and she wondered if she should call him back. Snap! The sound hit her like whiplash. It felt like an angry woman snapping her fingers.

"Nope. I wouldn't do that if I were you," called a familiar voice from somewhere in the void.

The lights glimmered, slowly bringing everything back into focus, but Katrielle was no longer in the sleeper berth of her semi-truck. As the room became more defined, Katrielle realized that she recognized this room. However, she wasn't sure how anyone else would know of its existence.

"What? Where am I?" Katrielle searched the room. Pretending, for the sake of the stranger, that she had no idea where she was sitting.

"I think you already know," postulated the woman mixing drinks, at the grey mini bar, with her back turned to Katrielle. Katrielle knew the voice, but for some reason she couldn't place it. She stared at the woman's back searching for clues. She wore a chic, black, body-conforming dress. And, even from behind, her stature and poise made her look as though she was meant to be in this room - a feeling Katrielle yearned to know. Of course, Katrielle knew this room. When she was sad - in what she swore would be her first and last marriage - she designed a room precisely like the one she was sitting in at that very moment. It was going to be her safe space. It was a modern grey and black living room with tiny splashes of Lilac - a soothing color.

"But this room isn't real," Katrielle argued.

"Well neither am I. However, here we are ...," and with that - the vivacious woman pivoted on her heels presenting Katrielle with her favorite drink - a Dark And Stormy. Katrielle jumped back. What she saw before her eyes was unfathomable.

"Whoa! Wait! Have I...Have I lost my...Yep! I have lost my mind! Clearly, I am insane because I am in a fake room staring at some alternate version of...myself?" eyes widened Katrielle absent-mindedly ran her fingers through her hair as she took in the mirror-image of herself. Though, this woman was clearly getting more sun, using a better moisturizer, sleeping the recommended amount of time each evening, and working out way more than Katrielle imagined herself ever being able to workout.

"Or, you've found your mind!" the strangely more beautiful and confident version of Katrielle countered.

"What's going on?" Katrielle managed to croak.

Her dopplerganger sat down on one of the two lounge chairs in front of them, motioning for Katrielle to join her, to which Katrielle sat opposite of her on the big, comfy Love Sac couch. This was her favorite couch - and except for knowing this was a facade - it felt extremely real and extremely soft.

The dopplerganger started, "I am your alter-ego. I am everything you want to be and everything you can be if you truly work on yourself. When you thought about calling your ex, our ex - Jonathan, your mind created me as a way to protect you from yourself. You see, if you continue living the same way you have always lived, the outcome will continue to be the same, and you will continue being unhappy with your situation. Therefore, I am here with you until start advocating for yourself and becoming the person you have always wanted to be."

Katrielle took a drink of her Dark And Stormy. Drinking it all in. Now, she knew this wasn't reality. Knew she was hiding in some quiet nook or cranny created by her mind's eye, for the cool beverage was mixed to the exact ginger beer and rum ratio Katrielle preferred. No bartender had ever made it this well.

"And this," she pointed to the catalog-inspired room, "Will I keep getting sucked back into this world randomly?"

"Not at all. I will only call you to this safe space when it is important, and I will never do it when you are driving or doing anything dangerous, " the woman with Katrielle's face peered back at her with utmost sincerity. And for a moment Katrielle thought to herself, "Well, If I can't trust myself, who can I trust?"

"And what should I call you?" Katrielle asked.

The woman shot her a knowing glance, "In your heart of hearts, you already know me and why you made me. So, let's hear it."

Katrielle started, "Your name is Darling and I named you and me this name, so that I would always have to say something kind to myself. I have thought about changing my name to Darling legally as well.”

Darling nodded, "Great! That's a great start. And since we know, your ex boyfriend, Jonathan, didn't always say kind things to you. Let's end tonight on a high note."

Darling motioned for Katrielle to hand over her cellphone. At first, Katrielle hesitated. The modern day cell-phone was such a personal item. After letting it roll around in her mind, she immediately turned the phone over when she remembered that she was only handing the phone over to herself.

"Thank you," Darling said.

After a few moments, Katrielle had the phone back in her hand as Darling explained to her that she had blocked Jonathan on all of their devices. Explaining that this was for Katrielle's own mental health - own mental and physical healing. And, that unblocking those phone numbers, emails, and social media pages would send Katrielle flying back to her safe space. And as Sex in the City inspired as the room was - she wasn't sure making extra visits was very healthy either.

"Lastly, you have some homework" Darling explained," Soon, you will be taking us out on a date. Your first date with yourself. So, get your nails done, get your hair and make up done, and take us out. Take us somewhere you have always wanted to go."

And with that, Katrielle found herself back in the sleeper berth of her semi-truck. Staring at the "Unblock" button next to Jonathan's number. Not wanting to upset her alter-ego - also wanting to rest and heal - Katrielle closed her phone book - leaving Jonathan's number blocked.

A few days later, Katrielle watched as the dark garnet liquid slowly dripped from the glass Rube Goldberg Machine into the goblet. As the server had explained, it was a device to aerate the wine. Though she acted impressed with this fact, Katrielle was already all too familiar with this process as Jonathan had sworn Merlot was his favorite wine and considered himself a connoisseur of fine wines. Katrielle found it funny that Jonathan presented himself this way because they always bought two bottles of wine - Merlot and Moscato - and the wine they never finished was the Merlot. Jonathan often remarked afterwards that it was too bitter to drink Merlot after drinking such a sweet dessert wine. Then again, he never suggested they lead with the Merlot.

"Is anyone joining you, madam?" asked the waiter.

Katrielle smiled, genuinely, in response to his question as she answered, "No, it will only be me tonight and that is enough."

He paused only for a moment, and gave a slight look of sadness motioning to say something, but stopping himself as though he suddenly thought better of it. Then, he briefly excused himself to bring the thirty something woman a menu. She knew the look. It was one of pity. Maybe he saw the nice black, sequined dress she was wearing and felt it was a waste. Though, she didn't pretend to know what anyone was thinking anymore , and she no longer cared to inquire. This night wasn't about anyone else. As her alter-ego, Darling, had pointed out - this night was only about her. It was Katrielle’s first date with herself.

"It's okay, Darling," Katrielle reassured herself, "This is not the first time you've had to start over. and it won't be the last. However, it is the last time anyone will ever talk to you in that manner or put their hands on you again."

Biting her bottom lip as the last word left her mouth, Katrielle realized the waiter was returning with the menu. She stopped him before he could place the menu on the table and glanced at his name tag before his eyes made contact with hers, "Robert, I have just come from the opera. It was on my bucket list and it was ever so lovely, so what on your menu would compliment an evening as exquisite as the opera?"

To this question, Robert suggested the Rosemary Mint Quail over steamed yellow potatoes with seasoned vegetables and steamed figs a la mode for dessert. She dined. She ate. She drank her water, but Katrielle didn't finish her wine. It sat there reminding her of her lack of boundaries, failure to assert herself, and the failure to leave her relationship before the red flags began singing Ring Around The Rosie to her in perfect harmony. To say Katrielle felt plagued would have been an understatement. Katrielle had moved to a swanky chair in front of the restaurant’s fireplace and was holding the glass of wine in her hand staring at her Platinum gel nail polish and how it sparkled like her diamond birthstone. Katrielle let the anger fester for a minute only to let it dissolve into sadness and self pity. And then, she heard it again. Snap!

“Hello Darling,” she winced.

“Hello Darling,” Darling returned to her sweetly.

And as Katrielle cried on the soft couch of some dream she thought she had let go of sometime ago, Darling held her, they held each other, which just meant she was holding herself. Loving herself. Talking to herself sweetly and reassuring herself that it was all going to be okay. Once the two had regained their composure Darling looked at Katrielle from across the light grey, wooden coffee table with the beloved hand-carved etchings and said, “Damn the Merlot!”

“What?” asked Katrielle with surprise.

“You ordered it as a farewell jester to Jonathan, correct?” asked Darling with the corner of her lip turning up mischievously.

“I did.” she confirmed.

“Well, it’s time to say goodbye!” said Darling.

Instantaneously, Katrielle felt herself slipping back into the Michelin Star restaurant. Felt her wrist flicker out of anger, rebellion, revolt. And, almost simultaneously, she felt a joyous angst push out of her as she realized what Darling - what she - had done. Afterwards, she had felt Darling and herself smile watching the remainder of the wine sizzle and squelch out on flames as the empty glass still sat in Katrielle’s hand. This was more than fine with Katrielle because she had always hated the taste of Merlot and only drank it to pacify Jonathan's insecurity of drinking alone. Turning her head at what seemed like the most perfect moment, Katrielle caught the waiter standing back in the corner with his mouth agape in horror, and she let the inner laughter replace the interior yawp of moroseness she had become so accustomed to feeling. Let the smile creep over her face. And then - making a silent vow to herself and Darling to never drink Merlot again - she ordered a glass of Moscato.

From that day forward, Katrielle drank in the marrow of life and all that it could give her, and it was a beautiful journey, indeed. And while she made many a Moscato Toast in her lifetime, Katrielle Darling never drank another glass of Merlot for as long as she lived.