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Rüg~My.visuaL’$

by Cranial Origami 8 months ago in comedy
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Part 3

Rug My Visual’$-3

Swap

A few days later I was in a bad mood even though I had planned this out for the last two weeks. I had a full schedule set with plenty of activities that I felt would be both fun and ridiculous at the same time. My first stop was to a show at the Backdoor. One of my favorite bands (Push Me) was playing queer core and I had no doubts I could sell a bunch stock while there. The reason I’m in a bad mood is the fact that while I’m in line a bear 🐻 and his butch 🧔‍♀️ wrangler we’re talking shit about my choice of dress. Of course I had on my cow suit and cape but I had a tight half cut white neckless t-shirt on. I had wrote [Got Milk] on it with a graffiti mop in pink paint. On my face I had put XO under my left eye and OX under my right eye. I drew a crude dick on my chin with hearts for balls and a 💦 at the tip. I even had gold vampire teeth in my grill as a topper.

🐻 "Jesus check this guy out!"

🧔‍♀️ "There is definitely a story time to that fit!"

They both turn a bit looking me over. At this point I’m having ticks over their attention to me and start doing my routine of opening and closing my fists left to right and tapping one foot while counting out loud too four. Never making it to five before I start again in the opposite order.

🐮 "One,two,three,four."

The bear asks. "Are you good honey?"

"My therapist says it’s reactionary impulse and that if it help’s me stay calm then it’s fine. But I should try and find other ways to deal with stress but fuck her."

Page grabs me from behind and start’s dry humming me and saying. “Ye haw get along little doggie! He’s fine aren’t you Five. You wouldn’t happen to like synthesized smart drugs by chance?"

His wrangler looks at her and ask’s the bear. "What do you think about some Swap, can you synth decent Swap?"

"Oh yes please that would be just perfect tonight."

"Yeah of course I can I just have to get inside first. I can whip up four drams in about five, ten minutes max. That’s plenty for the two of you. If you want more send DMs to whoever and get at me before we get inside. I would rather have a group purchase then have to keep having to synth more.”

I hand her a gif card with a Dapp profile wallet QR code on the back. On the front is Joe Exotic with laser eyes and thought bubbles that say vroom! vroom! and this is an NFT in them. At the bottom it reads Joe Exotic’s fund raiser in memory of Sir DripMeltoe. My plan was to pump & dump the Dapp’s profile coin and at the end of the show rug the fuck out of it. So I tell her and the Bear my plan for the coin and that if they want in I would let them know just before I pull the rug. Like I said I had been planning this for two weeks and this was apart of the fun I set out to have.

We broke up the group after we got inside with an all hands in jump counting to three and saying “let’s make some money” and chanting "Rug,Rug,Rug" I headed towards the restroom because prior to the show I had set my synth equipment in the ceiling of the back stall for arrival at tonight’s event. I tell page to get down on her knees so it looks like she’s giving me head in the stall. Not an uncommon thing at shows like this.

"How long do I need to do this?" Page asks.

I tell her I’m almost done when a guy knocks on the door of the stall and asks.

“There room for one more?"

"Nope private party dog sorry!"

Bleu sends me a message saying she has people waiting and that she is getting tied of working the crowd and to hurry up. Page and I take a few drams of Swap by the time we step out of the restrooms it hits us. We step out doing grab ass or other silly things with each other’s hands that is now controlled by the other person. Swap is hella fun, even though it’s your hand the other person is controlling it so it’s like getting played with from a mannequin maybe! We meet up with the group and I hand off the pac. It’s not even a minute later I’m yoked up by a big ass bouncer who drags me off the floor towards the back.

"Ayo wtf bro!"

"Management wants to have a word with you!" Is all he says back.

I’m brought into a room behind the bar and sat down in front of desk forcefully I might add as the guy in the chair who owns it swivels around on me. He flicks my gif card at me and says.

“So who’s this and who the fuck said you could synth I’m my club?"

"Oh well that’s a dear friend of mine who recently passed in heroic fashion and I’m running a fund me on a Dapp coin in his honor."

He looks me up and drown and starts in with the whole this is my place and you can’t just come in and peddle synth without paying the management bit. Me being me thought this is a golden moment to see if management would be interested in getting in on the pump. I spent thirty minutes trying to explain to this troglodyte the finer points of what I was up to just for him to say.

"Are you going to pay me or am I gonna have to have my man’s there break you’re fucking fingers?" It dawns me that this isn’t actually the manger and I look up at the camera in the corner and say.

"Look the QR code is on my card buy in and we can rug everything at the end of the show. You make a profit I make a profit win win what’s not to understand here."

The camera moves a little and chirps “If you fuck me on this I’ll hunt your ass to no end. Get the fuck out!"

I got back out to the floor and Page is dancing with someone so made my way back to the restroom and cranked out two tabs Rolo in about fifteen minutes my eyes were jogging around like I had rabies. I needed water something terrible. Thank god they put out coolers at both ends of the bar just for this reason. Of course as soon as the need of hydration came over me a line of people pull up in front of the fresh cooler. I’m upset by this and start ranting out loud saying.

"Go ahead stand in line you fucking cows FEED FEED look at us all just little puppets waiting to get a drink like lemmings!"

When the last person in front of me stepped away and the holiness of the cool cool water held inside finally at my grasp I found that there was no cups protruding from the silver sleeve on the right of the cooler. I’m was dumbfounded completely lost as to what I should do about it. I looked around frantically I had spent god knows how long waiting for this and now my dream of it is dying right before me. So I did what I could only do I tilted me head to the side and pressed the button lapping at the flow of liquid that sprang forth like an animal. Everyone is laughing when Page yells.

"There fucking with you Five the cups are upside down!"

Sure enough they were in the sleeve their round paper cones pointing upwards instead of the proper way of down like any normal decent human would of placed them. My mind railing in anger over what was obviously a bartender’s sick idea of a joke began cussing at the spectral of it and with three full cups of water along my arm and one in hand I stepped away fervently exclaiming that if anyone fucking touched me I’d lose my shit.

comedy

About the author

Cranial Origami

poetry short stories NFTS

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