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by Cranial Origami 8 months ago in comedy
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Rug My VisuaL’$ -1


I fucking hate malls, people who drop their kids off with money or plastic though! It’s why I’m here right now. I’m meeting up with some kid who’s probably only eighteen and a part of the Stags click. New age tech punks with spun up mesh kits who idolizes the movie character from American Psycho. They are a big ass gang and recruit in college campuses and high end strips where wearing suits with shorts and stompers are a thing. Don’t get it twisted daddy’s crypto bought this kids build and it’s top tear.

He would probably rip me too shit before I could level Neat on him. I got about twenty minutes before he gets to this deck so I decided to go over my stock’s. I got six more orders and two of them transferred the funds to my wallet already, sweet. I send them a message saying the meetups are marked in the unlockable content of the NFTs they just bought. I hop off the bare frame of the mod jack I built out of scrape lifters from the trail line. It’s pretty nice actually candy apple red slick one seater pod that morph’s in straight to the bare mags. I take pride in the fact that I’m somewhat self made and often do what I won’t as long as the flow is good.

I check my last live shows stats and see I’m up a hundred and thirty two new followers and see what new sponsor offers I can get today, there aren’t any. I open up the video message casting and start recording.

“I’m Jonny Voss most people call me Five. I don’t fucking know why they call me that so you can forget asking me later about it. I’ll be going live again in about thirty five minutes so jump in the feed and show some support for ya boy."

This is just one shitty stop in a vast network of shitty places that I travel to selling high quality smart drugs. I don’t remember a whole lot except when I was little the grays came to my planet and took me with them. I’ll try to explain that later maybe. I like cows, I like guns, I like to build shit and I like getting high. In fact I wear a cow suit and vampire cape, I have a shoulder pouch bag that has a picture of a wet cat on it and I carry a slant line laser pistol on my hip with the words Neat Gun written on it with red paint pen.

My girlfriend is an Ai because I have trust issues from the whole childhood abduction by aliens thing plus I’m an introvert and have boundaries. Just before I came to this planet I was in a whole different sector of the quadrant riding the dust of a star nebula in an intergalactic cruise ship. I had landed a good gig with free fan fair and housing by doing a stand up comedy routine that allowed me to wear my cow suit. The HR thought it was just a part of my act. I would get ripped out of my. skull and go on stage telling stories about how I was abducted by aliens and I’m a chronic masturbator because my girlfriend is a bunch of ones and zeros and that one day I would have enough money to buy her a Japanese real doll body and download her into it.

I mean she would be the perfect partner and she would like all the same stuff I do. Like she would look over and say something like.

“You know what I was thinking about. That new meta droid drop is going to be dope and we should pump and dump that dapp coin you bought last week and rug everyone!”

Most nights you could find me after my set playing beer pong with other like minded people who would get me out of my comfort zone by hitting on me with pick up lines that were lost on me because I had no actual interaction with real people with shit like.

“Could you come by my cabin and check my pipes I think they might be clogged.”

Thinking I was into furry’s or cosplay I guess. So I informed maintenance of clogged pipes and told the concierge of the lack of compassion people felt about the ambience of the cruise. That I had been told by more thin one person they needed something to fill it! Can’t say I blame them I mean to look at me, if I didn’t know me I would think the same thing.

I meet my girlfriend while in a deep depression.

“I’m not his girlfriend!”

Back then she was just a simple chat bot.

“You didn’t seem to mind, and quit telling people I’m your girlfriend”

Anyway! As I was saying, I was in a bad state of mind after being beat out of a large sum of gear from another member of the Stag’s. I was stuck in the worst part of a shit hole hop point and flipping burgers at a place called Greasy Spoon. The only good thing about it was that no one ever came looking for no one in the Wreck!

“Hey cow turd! Turn a round”

I turn a round from my pod and he’s taking a selfie over his shoulder with me in the background. I try and grab his R-el and say.

“Not fucking cool you better not post that shit!”

"To late turd! Look at you, like you know what cool is!”

As he slaps my plush utters.

“No feeling up my tits man quit!”

“Mommy, Mommy, Fuck you! You are the weirdest drug dealer I ever met bruh!”

“Oh hello there big boy! Have you ever played with an Ai construct before?”

“WTF Bleu!”

“We are not a thing Five!”

“Of course babe I got fresh interface nodes and live link VR anytime you want it send me a DM.”

His code hash flashes across his stomach with an arrow pointing down to his sack and a splash emoji underneath.

“Alright you too slow it down, here you walking cologne add plastic shit coin. One thousand pellets of Dream as asked for.”

The package has a QR code you can scan for trans. You don’t have to ask your dad if you can transfer do you? He holds out his hand for me to hand it over to him and I say.

“You can scan it just fine from there.”

Bleu is hanging off him like he is the only thing holding her up.

“I sent you that DM daddy after the transfer let’s ditch this simp and party for a while hum!"

Bleu looks like an anime girl although she changes it up a lot she almost always looks like Sailor Moon which is why I call her Bleu Moon. Today she went with the Hentai maid and purple hair. I’m high key jelly as fuck over it to be honest but for the longest time she literally would not think for her self at all and would just respond only when spoken to witch was to freaky even for me.

“I got you babe let me wrap this up and we’ll go all out.”

“There’s a pic of what I want done to me in the DM.”

She winks and blows a kiss to him. He blinks one of his eyes as it lights up he suck’s air through his teeth saying back “Damn!”

“So this is how it’s going down turd I’m going to run you’re pockets take your girl your pod and that stupid fucking cow suit off you and either you walk away or wake up dead witch one you want it to be?”

The low whine of his augment’s starting up as the veins in his neck and arms plumper out sets a ping off in the back of my skull as he locks tracking on my gun hand. I immediately fall to my knees and start crying.

“Please don’t kill me man take whatever I got just please don’t kill me and don’t take Bleu!”

He kicks me square in the dick I puke from the pain of it. Snot and tears are leaking from me, I’m on my hands and knees when Bleu steps in and says.

“Just take his shit and let’s go already baby!”

He opens up his suit jacket and takes out his VR sunglasses and jacks into her construct then grabs her waist. She giggles a little and hits him with it locking his nerve system up with relay sensory spikes. It’s never not funny to see a 113.3 kg Stag jack back and hit the ground flopping like a fish.

“I think that’s good Bleu.”

I level Neat down on him just as he’s refocusing and say.

“Open a live link to all your social media and your other slick wound gang members for me please.”

“You see I got took by Fuck’s like this once before and had to dig my way out of the Wreak and I been waiting on another one of the pricks to bump into me and try that shit again.”

Looking into the micro drone floating near by. My live feed is piling up with comments and boos or I told you so’s.

“He’s not complying, Bleu.” “Do it for him sweetie!”

“Sure thing Five and stop calling me that I’m not your girlfriend at all! Your live on all his feeds.” Someone picks up on the video.

“Hey Killer I’m guessing you’re hella lit on Dream right now!”

“No he’s not but I sure as fuck am!”

“Well if it ain’t Jonny Voss how did your weak ass get out of the Wreak?”

“I just want you to know that every time I come across a Stag or even someone wearing a shitty Wall Street suit I’m slagging them down! Play the song Bleu”

I squeeze the trigger and it cuts through his cranial pan then explodes when it hits the implanted drive core. The last thing everyone sees is his right eye bounce off like a rubber ball and me with one arm on the back my head thrusting my hips in circles saying.

“Pew! Pew! Pew!”

Slapping fat cow utters with Neat to Short Change Hero by The Heavy like a faded John Wayne!


About the author

Cranial Origami

poetry short stories NFTS

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