Presidential Speech

Ivan Bucks Junior stood firm against the podium. He thought of his father, Ivan Bucks Senior, and how proud he would be if he was in the audience. His heart sank, it was only natural to be nervous before the big speeches, but he wished his father would be there in person. Perhaps some comedy would distract the world from his shaky hands. "Good evening, everybody. Before I start my speech I just want to say thank you all for coming to my rally. You're all beautiful and I've seen so many smoking hot women in one stadium: it's nice. Don't worry gentlemen, y'all smartened up great too. Your wifeys are safe!" He showed his wedding ring to prove it. "Ivan Bucks III is due anytime now."

He embraced the cameras with a dashing smile. "You like my teeth?" He made his face the centre of attention. "They were a present from Daddy. Only three thousand dollars."

The crowd got talking. Three grand for a pair for teeth was ludicrous. When you're from a rich family, anything goes. At least it kept their minds off the orgies in Las Vegas. As fun as it was, he couldn't risk damaging his election campaign. He would continue to deny it until hell freezes over.

"There has been gossip about me; orgies in las vegas, drug parties in Florida, and apparently I'm father to all these contestants on Game of Mass Destruction. I'm pretty sure I'm not Lavender's father; the dates don't add up. I can't be Christian's father if I don't know the mother. I'm not Aron's father - just because he's black doesn't make the father. Most importantly, I did not sleep with my cousin, Harumi. And I am not Yuzuko's father. We need no DNA test. I mean Yuzuko looks nothing like me. Now the Democrats are hiring doppelgangers of me and saying I have orgies in Las Vegas." He twiddled his fingers then waved them in the air. "Oh no, that is not my style. That is not me. I've been with my boo for a long time, and I would never cheat on her. Come on man! All this fake news is getting old!"

He wondered how much the audience was paid to laugh at everything he said as if it was stand up comedy. He didn't even consider any of his jokes funny. It had to be his face. "A black man walks into a bar and everyone starts laughing..."

The laughing intensified.

"My point exactly. What a time to be black. When I am president, I will do everything in my power to cancel Game of Mass Destruction. In fact, I will ban all reality TV shows: CAUSE THEY SUCK! We'll go back to the good old days when MTV was about MUSIC. I'll cancel all wars. And unlike the other presidents that promised you guys that they would cancel the show and bring free health care into this country, I am actually going to do it.

I'm not like other politicians: I tell the truth. Now, this is what I don't get. The government is always moaning that they no money to fund our public health services. I know why they got no money: they spent it on my aunt's show. The world sends trillions of money a week to my aunt, and she doesn't need it. You wanna know why she's so rich, she gets other people to pay. It's about time she pays for her own Game Show. WITHOUT THE USA, SIA BUCKS IS NOTHING! All that money we send should come back to us! We'll make our own national health service! We'll purge of the world of evil."

Ivan pulled a bottle of beer from his waist pocket. "And best of all: free beer for everybody!"

If free beer couldn't convince people to vote for him, Ivan didn't know what would.

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