Marriage Interview, February 2024

I’ve been married for 4 years and 7 months, and today I was visited by a younger version of myself. She has, of course, managed to travel forward in time to find me and is astonished at the wedding ring on my finger. I don’t blame her, especially since she is asking me the questions I never got answers to. (How DOES that work?) We sat down with drinks, hot coffee for me, cool lemonade for her, and I let her ask. She was anxious and didn’t know how to ask, but since I am she, I could interpret. (Try not to think about it too much.)

HER: “Why did you get married?” she wants to know.

Actually, she demands to know. I remember being her. I had just decided--so decisively as to have entered the decision in my journal--that I would never, could never, get married. It was a wildly dangerous decision. You couldn't know anything for sure, so why risk it?

ME: I asked marriage veterans that when we were engaged. They didn’t know I’d been asking for years, trying to understand why people took such a monumental risk. I never heard a good reason. So, why did I get married? Because I came to believe that blessing each other could add such goodness to the world as to be a risk worth taking. Because what we could be together was totally unique to our identity apart.

HER: “Do you, you know, still love being together?”

ME: It's funny. I know now that when I asked that question, people thought I was asking about euphoria--you know, passion.

HER: Ew.

ME: But I was asking if they still loved being friends; if they had made each other’s lives better. I was asking if proximity had given them the joy that the flowers and music at their wedding promised.

HER: Yes, THAT! That's what I mean!

ME: “So do I still love being with him?” Yes--in ways no one prepared me for. He is my only Lover, full of heat and delight--I didn't know I could be delighted like that. My fingertips and eyes adore caressing him and being caressed in return.

HER: That may be more than I needed to know...

ME: Just so you can remember it later. But you need to know that he is also my peaceful euphoria. Waking up warmly together, talking companionably, and finishing a task successfully together is...well, it's euphoric in a quiet way. Safety in disagreement is a kind of euphoria. It is so safe to disagree with this man.

HER: “So why him?”

ME: ...because I wanted a front-row seat for his gentle approach to this broken world and its problems. There are so many angry people in the world. He isn't. He wasn’t chasing a relationship achievement badge and loved me for my existence; not what I could give him.

HER: "So... is marriage worth it?”

ME: I know I am terribly glad I married this man. I cannot speak for marriage in general. I know that you must have the same conversations many times, as context changes. You must be willing to learn and change. You WILL change, even without knowing it.

And then she had to go, because that's how time travel works. I half-expected myself to grow a third arm, but I haven't, and maybe that's because everything I told her I discovered on my own anyway...and she just learned it from me...who is she...anyway. And maybe our interview will help you, too.