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Loss of an Heirloom

by Dan Seminara about a year ago in comedy
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A World of Traffic

Hey deadbeat,

You haven’t paid your rent in five months, so I came into the apartment I own and took that stupid heart-shaped locket you’re always wearing! Come to my home and pay your rent before 5:30pm today, or I’ll melt it down into heart-shaped goo!

Yours truly,

Jeff

That heart-shaped locket was given to me by my grandmother on her deathbed, and it was given to her by her grandmother on her deathbed, handed down to every other generation in my family for eons. Now, I did manage to get that rent money by pawning all the clothes I don’t need for work, which means I’ve been condemned to a life of wearing business casual 24/7, but I can’t lose that locket!

Now, getting from work to my landlord’s home in the half hour between when I finish work and the time when I need to pay the rent by wouldn’t have been a problem a few years ago, but the world has taken a turn for the tyrannical since then. You see, construction workers, sick of being disrespected on the road (you know, cut off constantly and all that because no one wants to be stuck behind a slow moving vehicle when they’re going somewhere) decided to take some revenge on the world. Now, there’s a dump truck driving 10 miles an hour down every road at all times. Sure, the government tried to intervene and put a stop to this, but a couple of bribes, sorry, I mean “cases of lobbying” (same difference) later, the government passed a massive stimulus bill to pay for the dump trucks’ gas and dole out capital punishment to any driver who tries to pass the dump trucks.

Come on! It’s 5:27 already! I can see the turn pretty far down the block, but it is in sight! If only the stupid dump truck driver was sick today, maybe I could save the locket. Maybe I still can. I’m right behind the truck! Keep moving, keep moving. Crap, he stopped, and like two feet from the turn to my landlord’s home! I can barely see the driver in the mirror, and you’ve gotta be KIDDING ME! He stopped the truck so he can watch a video on his phone. That’s it, I’m boned.

Hey, look, my phone is ringing with a video call. May as well answer it, I’m not going anywhere. Let’s see what Mike has to say.

“Countdown to meltdown!” He says, holding my locket above the flame of a blue-hot blowtorch. “Ten, nine, eight…” he counts moving the locket ever closer to the flame.

“Stooooooppp!!!!!!!” I yell so loud he can probably hear me without the phone. “I have your money, and I’m right around the block!”

“No extensions! Seven, six, five…”

I grab the money and open the door of my car to run to his home.

“Bad idea.” He replies. “If that car gets stolen, where are you gonna sleep tonight? I’ve already changed the locks on the apartment. Your key is attached to the locket. Get here or they’re both gone! Four…”

The dump truck starts moving, and with it, so do I. I turn down the block so fast I leave tire marks on the pavement!

“Three…”

I can see this block’s dump truck, but it’s past my landlord’s house! I’m gonna make it!

“Two…”

I jump out of my car, and make a mad dash for the house, but a pickup truck barrel asses down the block, and I can’t finish my dash across the street without becoming it’s new grill ornament.

“One…”

I start running as soon as the pickup truck passes, but it’s too late…

“Woosh…”

My millennia old locket, as well as the key to my having as home meet the blowtorch’s flames and are quickly liquefied.

“Go find a new place to live, loser!” Jeff says, hanging up.

This can’t be! Well, now I have nothing to lose. I’m gonna make that construction union pay! I will save this world!

I get back in my new home and drive over to the Construction Corp. offices. I can see the big meeting room on the second floor. Hmm... That flower bed in front looks awfully ramp shaped… Let’s do this! Make these slow driving bastards pay!

I rev my engine and drive as quickly as I can toward the flower bed. Driving is pretty cool with no slow moving vehicles in front of you. My car hits the ramp at 70 mph, and flies at the meeting room window. I can see the executives all having as meeting in there. Their last!

My car comes in contact with the glass, and… Gets remodeled into the shape of an accordion before plummeting down to Earth. Crap! The window must’ve been made of that super laminated glass I heard about on the news that one time. Well, look on the bright side. Can’t be homeless if you’re dead.

comedy

About the author

Dan Seminara

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