Lebensraum

Come in, come in. Yes, sit. Hello! Sit over there – anywhere. Just… just toss that aside. Hello! Hello, how do you do? Welcome!

Would you like something to drink? I can offer you cookies, a coffee – what would you like, hm?

I’m assuming you’re just going to ask me questions, I suppose? Happy to, happy to. Do you want a coffee? I can get the, uh… I can get the girl to bring in… Evie? How does this thing work. Evie, hello?

You know what, forget the coffee. So what did you want to ask me? Hah! What did you want to ask me, he says. This place is a hoot, let me tell you. It’s a fucking hoot.

You know what they always said, right? “If you had a time machine”? I’m telling you, people have been dreaming of this for so long, and they didn’t even know that it could be possible. I mean, forget the time machine idea – forget it. This is now. This is… this is the future.

Look, I know… I know exactly what you’re thinking. It’s horrible! Of course it’s horrible. Of course it’s horrible, but the point is… Ah – Evie! Yes, two coffees. You like coffee, yes? How do you… you know what, forget the coffee. Evie, sweetheart, just some cookies for Mr… It was Macarthur, right? Like the grant? Just some cookies, if you please. Thanks, Evie.

So what was I saying. You know what, I’ll put it like this. The history. The history of the thing.

Everyone always said it. “If I had a time machine, I’d go back and I'd kill him”. Truly. They always said that.

I mean, everybody wanted to go back and kill that little shit. Everybody always spoke about it. And why shouldn't they, right? But here's the thing: why go back in time if you can just clone the little bugger? I mean, the technology was staring us right in the face! And that’s where we came in – I mean, this was a brilliant, really a brilliant idea. But it flopped, right? You couldn’t predict it, but it totally flopped.

Turns out that the bits that go into making us what we are – I don’t know, I’m not a science guy – but they’re more somehow than the genes that we’re made of. Yeah? We’re like, genes and also these other things that we have, whatever they're called, which tell those genes how to unlock. Whatever that means. It doesn’t matter. The point is, nobody was going to enjoy killing it. Truth be told, I probably wouldn’t have enjoyed killing it. It was just… I mean, it was just some guy, right? Boring.

So then my grandfather – and I don’t know if you want to put this bit in – but my grandfather was the one who originally had the idea. I mean, everybody credited that Phillips woman, but it was my grandfather who thought of the thing. And it’s obvious, really, once you’ve thought of it. Why not train it? You know what they can do with these things now… Just advanced train the little bastard.

Put it in isolation or something. Smack it around, I don’t know. I mean it’s different now: we have systems that can do it for us quickly, but back in those days they had to do it themselves. Make it really unlikeable. Teach it the right language, of course – you don’t want it begging you with a British accent! Hah! Get it dressed the right way, the right little moustache and everything. “Grooming”, they call it. And you know what? Killing it was… It was really...

Excellent! Thank you, my dear. You have to try one of these, they’re spectacular. Have one. And you know what, Evie – I will have that coffee. Would you like a coffee? Are you sure? You know what, two coffees. You’re going to want a coffee. Trust me.

Mm. So here’s the thing. The public? They went wild. Absolutely bonkers. It raised all the usual blah blah of course, and BioLogic funded that massive ethical investigation, which was only fair, only fair, but it’s not like killing a real person, is it? And it’s like… it’s like a sport, really. And of course they agreed. I mean, half that ethical board were doing it in their spare time, I can tell you. Hah! I have their names – those priests, or whatever. They used to hunt them on Saturday mornings, I'm told, and then be all peace and love on Sundays.

You know, maybe don’t print that bit, come to think of it. I mean, I know this was a while ago, but you know how the church gets with these things. And hey, why mess with a good thing, am I right?

So I came on, what… twelve years ago? I mean, I can smell a money-maker, and it’s not like I didn’t grow up around this stuff. I mean, I remember all the dinner table chat – it was very exciting, I just knew. It was all great fun, but it had a lot of potential for growth. I mean, real aggressive, vigorous growth. After all, they were only growing a few of these little things at a time, and charging a fortune to knock them off, right? But why charge big money to a handful of high flyers when you can bill every... single... person? I mean… everyone.

That’s my theory. Lower the cost, but expand the client base. Let everybody have a go, am I right?

This, uh… This was… It was about a mile from here. The Farm. We were hatching maybe thirty or forty of the little critters daily. That was a lot back then, a lot of money to get that done. Then from there, we transferred them to the refinery where they were “groomed”, or what you call it. I can take you there this afternoon if you like, you can speak to Willis and Loewy – they’ll run you through it if you think that sort of thing’s interesting. I mean, you know what it’s like now: what took five years back when my old man was working there is not even six months today. Rapid Phenotype Enhancement. Pretty fancy, huh?

I mean, we were pulling them out of the refinery virtually every day: babbling fluently and ready to be dispatched - and by the truckload. And we had queues. Like really, queues. This place was totally backlogged: you couldn’t get in without a four month booking, and then you waited sometimes two hours to get a turn. And it was strictly one bugger at a time. Which is fair, because there’s a limit to how many we can hatch in one go, right? Obviously, it is much, much bigger now, but in those days…

Look, I don’t want a return to the days of fewer customers and a higher fee. I really don’t. It’s a larger profit margin in the long term, but that’s not me. I’m a people person. You can put that in if you like. I wanted to give people the opportunity of a lifetime.

And anyway, one at a time was fine for most people. It really was. You want to savour it, you know what I'm saying? Especially if you’ve never done it before. You’ve done it, I'm assuming? I can get you in if you want a quick go of it later this week, if you like? If you want to write about the experience? I can… Here, look at these. Ahh, where is… This is – look at this.

You should see these things. Amazing, huh? People send me letters and photos like these all the time. Read it! Hah! "Experience of a lifetime," he says. Brought his girlfriend along too, she had a real hoot. “Extremely satisfying”. And why shouldn’t it be? I mean, if you think about it, it's not like these things are people. You can tell, really, when you look at them. They're quite... I don't know. I mean, frankly, they're a bit disgusting. We're probably doing them a favour.

Here, look at this kid. What a sweetie. Sent in a photo of her little locket. Look at it, it's like a little heart. Put a lock of his hair in it, she told me. A lock of his hair! Hah! This isn't going back in time, like everybody imagined, my friend. This is the future. This is now.

In any case, I'm guessing what you really want to focus on is our expansion. I mean, if you think this place was big before… Like I said: aggressive, vigorous growth. And these days, it's not like we don't have the space for it, is it? Most of our compound is on land that they thought would be uninhabitable, of course, but it's perfectly safe. Perfectly safe.

And so. Maybe in a year, if we’re on schedule, maybe a year-and-a-half, we’re going to have… I guess you’d probably call it a theme park. We’re…

Yes! Yes, thank you, thank you so much. Here, this one's for you. Thank you, Evie. Mm.

You know, I spend a lot of time just thinking about possibilities. There are lots of possibilities, I don’t need to tell you. Not everybody wanted things quite the way we’d set it out, of course. Go in, get your thirty minutes, walk out again… That’s fine as far as it goes, but let’s get creative! This is a place of dreams. There’s something… it’s like paradise.

So, this theme park idea. This is going to be the biggest thing of the century. Truly. Because… I mean, why just one at a time, right? That’s what I always asked myself. Why just one? Let me tell you, the customer is never wrong. People have been clamouring for this. Get a whole bunch of them together! We have them already: varied ages, stages of development. But they're still all him, you see. Kind of, versions of him.

We've built this township - like a model village, basically. We call it the Dorf. And for a fee – nothing too extravagant – for a fee, you can go in solo or with your buddies and just... You know.

And you can get kitted out for it too, of course. We have some beautiful uniforms. All with special lining to protect from any traces of radiation, but that's just a legal thing. Our scientists have verified that it is perfectly safe - and we have thousands of these bastards out there already, showing no signs of sickness. That's certified.

Now, I can’t show you the plans, of course. Trade secrets and all that, but it's quite lovely. Really, quite lovely. And you'll be able to go in there and just... just roust them out. Do what you like. I mean really, a dozen at a time if that's what you're into. Some of the suggestions we’ve been getting, they’re just… Well, they’re pretty creative, I can tell you. And that’s just for starters.

We have a little place from here, maybe forty minutes by train? I don’t want to give too much away, but let’s just say that the opportunity will exist to do away with two hundred of these things at a time. If that’s your thing.

And that’s science.