Last Entry

The golden chain from the heart-shaped locket bookmarked the last page of the dead man's journal:

Six years have elapsed since the last time I experienced human contact. The intense thoughts that occur during these long periods of solitude are reserved for the fortunate or the rock-solid mad man.

My mind is set to repeat a series of loops that never end, round and round. Always in mid-thought wondering what to do, constantly standing at the metaphorical crossroads of life, not knowing, absent, deep inside myself. Being paralyzed is my new norm, not knowing what to do from minute to minute and the minutes turn to hours, the hours turn to days, the days turn into years. All of it should have been avoided if I had learned to not obsess over so many fears.

Over 6 years ago the cataclysmic, inevitable swing of the pendulum of life occurred and the world went out of balance. What was, is no more. There is no more hustle and bustle. No more people moving across the earth, no commerce, no travel, nothing. Only a few survived when the infinite growth curve outran the finite resource pool. The constant hum of the wind is the only playlist I have left.

This endurance race is more than I can bear. I am too weak to continue any further and I am certain this is my last entry. At this moment I am transported back in thought. A memory of where I first learned about the passion of finding the right place to be, the incessant desire to give what I had to give.

Funny how in these alone times we can look back and pinpoint the moments in time that were instrumental in the very creation of our moral compass.

"Don't stop until you find it". She repeated.

Her thinking made zero sense to me. We were given 8 gallons of milk, we only needed 6 and she wanted to give away the two we didn't need.

"This is stupid, nobody is going to want something so basic from a stranger. Way beyond ridiculous and I won't embarrass myself and be any part of this."

She insisted. I resisted. She kept raising her level of intensity, I kept raising my level of resistance. Finally, after another heated debate over something so seemingly trivial.

I gave in, "Fine you win, let's go."

My indignant attitude was in full effect. I was radiating my negative energy, letting my arrogance and full level of disapproval be known. So, with this, I impatiently drive up to the first house. She was unaffected by my immaturity. She got out, grabbed the two gallons, walked up to the door, and knocked. A middle-aged man opened the door and looked at her like she has lost her mind. He said nothing and slammed the door in her face. My ego smiled. I thought I had won.

She got back in the car, "Ok, let's go to the next one."

"No! You can't be serious. We did this, and he said no, now let's go home and figure out some cool recipe or something." My anger was gone and I wanted a peaceful resolution.

"No", she insisted. "We need to give this away. Somebody needs it, I can't explain it, I am aware I appear out of my mind and how I may come across, but I just don't care."

So, knowing I couldn't win the argument I drove to the second, the third. This insanity repeated 6 times. A few people didn't answer and the others stared at us as if we escaped from the mental institution. Then, the 7th house happened.

When she knocked on the 7th house, her drive was gone, she was starting to feel foolish I could tell, but she was convinced somebody needed our surplus supply. The door opened and a young mom instantly started to cry.

"Oh my! Is this for me?"

"Yes."

"How could you possibly? How did you know? I just sat my kids down to eat a bowl of cereal to find out we only had a splash of milk left. I don't have any way to get to the store, and we don't get paid till tomorrow. This is beyond amazing and right on time," she thanked us both a dozen times, easy.

I cannot express the warmth that came across me, after seeing her efforts pay off. She got in the car beaming and held onto the heart-shaped locket that hung around her neck.

She smiled at me, "My heart knows what it knows and I learned to follow my heart no matter what anybody else has to say."

I learned the lesson of my life that day. Humble pie never tasted so good. When you have something to give, don't give up looking for who needs to receive it.

Now, this is my burden, my internal conflict. I possess this love, this passion, this desire but nobody to give it to. I need to find an outlet or some way to let loose all these thoughts, ideas, energies all of which are raging inside of me. I can't write anymore, my eyes are too heavy. Her words resonate inside of me, trying to push me, 'don't stop until you find it.' and I can't move a muscle.