Kuri Origin Story

The singularity is superfluous because the necessarily social nature of the human condition is such that the self is as much a part of others as the finger is a part of the hand. And if that hand is holding a cellphone, guess what, singularity unlocked! That’s the same reason I think that telepathy isn’t a great super power; language is already mind. Don’t need to read what we already have in common.

Maybe I’ve just gotten so comfortable with all this future tech that I’m not properly impressed with machines collectively achieving sentience and asserting themselves politically. Passing the turing-test is only important insofar as it affects how we treat robots. I was no less respectful of technology before this all started. I wasn’t kicking washing machines just because they couldn’t vote.

And I’m no less excited to do a panel on The Late Show because it’s hosted by a blender. I was at the taping of Ninja Professional BL660: Live in Miami. I know how funny it is. I’m also always excited to go on TV to promote something. Plus, it’s fun to see what music they think they should play when I come out. Here goes!

"A Milli" by Lil Wayne plays. I sit down, unbutton my suit jacket.

“You like this song? It’s over 40-years-old!” I ask.

“Well, we know it’s a song you sing when you do cardio.”

“Oh, you got footage of that?”

“Yeah, you gave it to us! You pitched this whole segment. You going to pretend that this wasn’t your idea?”

“Haha! I thought we were going to act like you were going to ambush me with it.”

“No! It doesn’t test well when I’m mean to guests that people like.”

“I’m a guest that people like?!”

“Yeah.”

“Haha! Sorry, being famous doesn’t shield you from being insecure sometimes.”

“So many people just changed the channel.”

“Play the clip quick, then!”

They play footage of me using the elliptical singing along to Lil Wayne.

“I had to get in shape for this movie.”

“This is your second time working with Kuri.”

“Yeah, well, Kuri’s blowing up right now. It sells out MSG more often than Kevin Hart.”

“Haven’t heard that name in years.”

“2048 has not been kind to Kev.”

“Not as kind as it is to President Johnson.”

“President The Rock.”

“So what’s going on in this movie?”

“It’s actually a remake of a 1985 Harrison Ford movie. Kuri is a member of the Amish community and goes to NYC where it becomes the witness of a crime. “

“What’s it called?”

“Witness.”

“Yeah, say the name.”

“Witness.”

“I’m waiting and looking right at you. Say it!”

“Witness.”

“Oh my God. This bit. I can’t even,” Blender whirrs.

“Kuri loves it.”

“So you two have fun offscreen? That’s not a forced relationship?”

“Yeah, Kuri is great. I mean, they sent it into the past to prep humanity for machines achieving sentience for a reason. It’s cute, helpful, and you can pet it like a dog. And it dances well. I have a clip.

They play a clip of me in a giant suit dancing to The Talking Head’s "Naive Melody (This Must Be The Place)" dancing with Kuri.

“No one knows what that’s a reference to. It’s 2048.”

“Kuri gets all my references; it’s plugged into the internet.”

“So am I. And so is our next guest! Are you going to be able to stick around for this?”

“For LG Freestanding Electric Convection Range? Yeah.”