In the stars or in my head?

Since I was able to read I have been obsessed with star signs. And not just mine either, everyone's around me, and those I envied too. My star sign, you ask? Why, it's forceful, reactive, angry Aries of course.

I remember when our class would have an art lesson at primary school. This would mean digging through the pile of donated newspapers in the art room to put on classroom tables to protect from the budding 8 year old artists. Being the 80's this also meant that the topless centrefolds were very common, but while my friends would group around the copious nipples, both fascinated and baffled at why people would want to see these things, I would always find myself drawn to the back side. No, not that (damn fire signs, I see you) but the reverse, because on there were the horoscopes.

Aries was always first. In my pre-pubescent head that meant that Aries had to be the best - yet more Aries behaviour. It was literally about 10 years later that it clicked with me that maybe they were in alphabetical order. Still, I would read them from top to bottom, despite not actually being the horoscopes for that date: these newspapers were months and months old.

It made perfect sense to me - and still does I think - that of course if I came across that specific horoscope on that particular day it was meant for me at that moment. 'The moon moving into Aquarius means a friend will bring you some good news', or some such. And then I would spend all week looking for, and affirming, the vague descriptions of how my life would pan out over the week.

This continued into my teens and, yes of course, puberty. Suddenly these vague predictions took on more earnest importance: what does it mean about girls? Suddenly I looked at the 'new friends' and mentions of 'romance' eagerly, reading true love in every unexpected glance, every nudge or bump from a female.

To doubly enhance my chances of predicting my own future, my uncle Kwong from Hong Kong sent me a book about Chinese Astrology. Now I was a Monkey as well! Believe me when I say that I saw a lot of truth in this ram/monkey hybrid unleashed on the world.

I was to be bold and impulsive; a strong leader, but mischevious and unafraid to go my own way. Selfish, looking after myself and either partying with other Arionkey's or fighting them. I wouldn't care as long as I was enjoying myself. Everything I did would succeed.

Looking back, it was that last reassurance of what the future held for me that was perhaps my undoing. While my life has in no way been an unsuccessful disappointment, I do recognise that I have spent an inordinate amount of time waiting for success and recognition rather than going and getting it myself. It would be simplistic to say that this was down to my slight obsessiveness with horoscopes, but I would also be remiss if I didn't factor its influence into my formative years.

My love life has also suffered. I was so utterly convinced that true love would find me that I lept at the chance of love, time and again. I was crippled by anxiety as a teen, and still am to this day (but I do manage it much better), and this meant talking to girls was nigh on impossible. However those few I did talk to and who showed interest in me were immediately 'the one'. How could they not be? Just as the horoscopes on the back on our art-class porn were meant for me in that moment, so were these female encounters. Unfortunately for my relationships, that also applied to anyone else I met while within these relationships...

At the risk of repeating myself, this is far too much to blame on astrology (however it does also strike me that if astrology is a real thing it shoulders more blame than I'm aware of). But the very existance of astrology created the opportunity for these thoughts, feelings, and unfortunate acts. It's taken various forms of introspection and analysis of patterns in my behaviour to recognise my triggers, but certainly the reinforcing of certain traits and expectations of who I was have been exacerbated by astrology.

Yet....

I am hot headed - Aries

I am comfortable in my own company - Monkey

I am blunt - Aries

I thrive in chaos - Monkey

I am driven - Aries

I am driven in ways that suit me - Monkey

I am better for discovering myself, and my own ways, and not expecting the universe to provide. But still, if you hand me a newspaper I will always look for some guidance.

'Today the full moon in Leo says that financial perks may be on their way to the Aries...'

Well. Imagine that...