I'm a Winner

I could hear Lisa from three aisles over. She has the loudest voice I've ever heard. Not because she yells, because of how her throat shoots sound out of her mouth - like a hurricane. She was asking the butcher about the price of some meat. Normally, you wouldn't think twice about overhearing this, but these days Lisa's meat conversations were different. She wasn't discussing the price of regular meat, she was discussing the price of human meat. Human meat, which has been legal for about five months now. And although heavily legislated, like you had to die of natural causes before your meat could be eaten, it was still 100%legal and you could buy it anywhere. I slowly made my way over to Lisa as she was finishing up the interrogation. She picked out three cellophane packages from her cart and presented them to me. "Samoan," she said. "It's supposed to be very soft and sumptuous." I cringed. I couldn't talk about this like she could. She went on about how Samoan meat was different in texture, could take on marinades and how well it would fit into her Super bowl menu. I nodded, but knew when that day came, I wouldn't be eating much. I've tried human meat, on more than one occasion and while I can't say that it's bad, I'm nowhere near the recipe trading stage yet. As we get to the cash, Lisa goes over her menu to me again and is suddenly concerned that the meat was on sale because Samoan meat is actually lower quality meat and not as good as she had heard. She gets a suspicious look on her face and asks me way too loudly, where Samoa is. I have no idea where Samoa is and turn my head up to the sky to think. As I do, my eye catches the cashier. She's looking at Lisa who is now poking the meat and making faces. My guess is that she's offended by Lisa's blatant disrespect for the human that provided this meat. My other guess is that she's Samoan.

The next day, I moved into my new office at work. I was just promoted to producer and given my first job. It's a game show called "I'm a Winner" and it's pretty much the most disgusting thing to ever be on tv. It hasn't officially started, but we've been airing 15 minute spots called "build ups" every week for the last three months to get people acquainted. Build ups are exactly what they sound like, flashy, info packed segments about the show to build up viewer excitement for when we finally air. And so far they've been working. We've surpassed all metrics. Originally we predicted that tweens and teenagers would get on board first, then College students, that sort of thing, but the data didn't reflect that at all. Our demographic is much bigger than originally thought. In fact, it's massive. Ten to seventy five years old is our confirmed audience. Think about that. A child can talk to their grandparent about something in pop culture and that grandparent can respond using the exact same knowledge and information. The unfortunate tragedy of this fun generational bond though, is that it only exists because of a shared desire to see people suffer. And that, again, is why "I'm a Winner" is the most disgusting show to ever be on tv.

"I'm a Winner" was created by one of the two owners of the station I work at. I've never met them, I just know they are brothers and they are old. Apparently the concept for the show was thought up thirty years ago, but nothing was ever done with it until now. The rumour going around, is that the brother based the show on hotdog eating competitions he saw at the country fair as a kid. It amazed him how popular they were and he was fascinated by the idea of eating for recognition. Eventually the businessman in him turned that fascination into eating for profit and he ran with it. He thought that if people were willing to enter a contest to eat as many hotdogs as they could for minimal recognition and little money, then surely then would enter a contest to eat any other food, for guaranteed fame and considerably more money. And he was absolutely right. Because now we have a show where contestants willingly compete to eat as much food as they can, for fame and money. Six weeks away from our first episode.

Before I was given the show, my Boss Lou sat me down to talk about it. He was concerned that I understood the show and how important it was that it succeeded. I didn't understand the show and I had no idea how it would work. "Who would we even get to participate in this?" I asked him. I questioned everything: format, execution, legalities. Finally, he just said "Look, contestants come on this show to eat more food and gain more weight than their competitors. Whoever puts on the most weight by the end of 6 weeks, wins. Eat, get fat, win. That's the show. Can you do it or not?" I said "yes, of course I can do it", but I didn't understand why he was so worked up for me to get on board. We've worked on hundreds of shows together and he's never acted like this. The only thing I could think of was that he was gambling again. Lou like horses and had gotten himself into trouble before. My guess was that he owed money and needed this show to put him back on top. It's success would translate into a hefty bonus. Lou didn't know I knew about the gambling and and so I assured him again that I had this and went to get my team assembled.

One of the earlier things I never had to think about for this show, was selecting the contestants. In a strange plot twist, the brother who created the show - who's name I now know is Leland - handpicked each one. Thousands of applications and he dwindled it down to 16. And he keeps in touch with all 16 of his choices, once a week, just to see how they're doing. Much like he keeps himself involved in everything else on this show. It's ridiculous. Leland is here everyday. He's in every meeting, apart of every major decision and requests copies of all communications. It's confusing at best and suspicious at worst - he's a zillionaire who looks like he's at death's door. Lou insists that he's just happy to be apart of a show at his age and loves being involved. We pretend to believe him, but nobody really understands what's going on.

Last night I forgot my phone at the office and had to go back to get it. It was around 10 o'clock and with the exception of a skeleton crew in the studio, nobody was around. As I checked my texts while walking, I heard some voices down the hallway. I walked over toward the boardroom, but missed whoever was in there. I still heard voices in the distance, but then the Exit door opened and shut and they were gone. Who was here? I opened the boardroom door and went in. I walked around the table and saw something sitting on one of the chairs. It was a small notebook, a black one. I ha-ha'd a little, thinking immediately it was Leland's, because who besides old people carries notebooks anymore?! And I was right, his name was written inside the cover. I flipped through the pages, saw nothing but notes on the show, more notes on the show and then a name written down that was familiar to me. It was Johnny Cartaya, one of our contestants. And scribbled beside his name, was "accepted payment, signed contract, April 24th. Why was Johnny paid money? He doesn't get money unless he wins. And why is this written in Leland's personal notebook? I looked through the rest of it. Nothing more about Johnny, just more comments on the show and some directions to a property out of town. I put the notebook back and left for the studio hotel. Contestants weren't allowed to leave the property at this point. Johnny would be there.

Ten minutes later, I was knocking on Johnny's door. I introduced myself when he answered and asked to come in. As soon as we were seated, I asked about the money. Over the next two hours, Johnny told me everything; his life, his family, his struggles, everything. Two years ago he was an amateur weight lifter, winning competitions all of the country. He was naturally blessed with large muscles. But then his parents both got sick and he was forced to quit lifting and get a job to help out. He wanted to win "I'm a Winner" to pay for their medical bills. Then one night last week, he came back to his hotel room and found a bag of money sitting on the bed. There was $20, 000 inside. Soon after, Leland paid him a visit. He said the money was a gift and that he could keep it, no questions asked, if he left the show to come live on his private property. There, he would live well and be taken care of, before eventually offering his life so his meat could be eaten by Leland. Leland was sick and needed his help. He said that humans possess a protein that couldn't be found in animals and that Johnny's muscles, could keep help keep him alive. The body stops producing this protein after a certain age and so buying meat legally wouldn't be of any help. Johnny's proteins could keep him alive for a whole year, but in order to stay alive forever, he would still need to pick and pay a new contestant every season. As Johnny told me more, I realized why the show had to succeed, I also realized why Lou had been so nervous; he was taking hush money to manage the optics of it all. The plan for Johnny, was that next week he would fake a heart attack during rehearsal. Leland's personal doctor would tell everyone he had died and was cremated. The $20, 000 would be delivered anonymously to his parents and another contestant would replace him. He would then go to Leland's private property, where he would live for the next six months, before Leland started eating him.

I looked at Johnny and asked if this was what he wanted. He didn't, but Leland told him this was the only way he could save his parents. He was right. Johnny was poor and his parents were poor. Leland had taken advantage of this. I didn't know what to do until I realized I knew something that no-one else knew - where Leland's private property was. The directions were written in the black notebook. I thought for a minute before it all became crystal clear. "Hold on Johnny," I said. "I think I have a plan..."