When meeting a guy they like, many girls will choose to throw in the towel and try to become what he likes, but the results are often the opposite. Where exactly did this go wrong?
Sometimes, it's not that you're not good enough, it's that you don't use strategies to attract the attention of the opposite sex step by step. After all, the blatant liking, although sincere, but also in the beginning of this emotional game lost the bottom of the card, the disadvantage.
The attraction between the opposite sex is only the final drop point, in many cases, is to each other other other traits, so that your "needs" and "purpose" of ta "alienated" into attraction.
This can also explain from many angles that some people who are identified as unattractive are always surrounded by the opposite sex, while some very attractive people are never satisfied with their relationships.
I would like to share an interesting case first, this is the real experience of a buddy of mine, he already had a girlfriend in the premise, was a high level of green tea seduction, and later completely in love with that green tea, after the green tea was ruthlessly played with and abandoned. The whole thing happened because of a word that the green tea said to him.
One day high level green tea to my buddy bought a bottle of water, handed to my buddy when, buddy said: "No, my girlfriend bought me a coke.
You guess that high level green tea, is how the next sentence to let my buddy completely trapped?
Here first sell a shut, the article will tell you later, so to speak, very shameless, yet very effective, I hope you can take a warning after reading, do not be so easily fooled.
The main references in this article are the theories of Alfred Adler and Abraham Maslow, two titans of psychology. The purpose is not to make you snare the opposite sex, but to make you avoid being snared, so that you know your human weaknesses, understand your emotions, and finally achieve self-restraint and become spiritually strong.
Now, let's start with the underlying logic of psychology and dissect what the nature of attraction is, and then talk about strategies.
First an important question: What is love? What is desire?
Let's first face the reality that the feeling that you love someone is based on an illusion. The "true love" before marriage is really just an illusion.
Remember, what is the feeling that you supposedly love someone? You feel that he (she) is the most special person in the world, you feel that he will not marry or she will not marry, you feel that you can not meet again to give you this strong impulse of people - I believe that this is the feeling of most people.
In fact, if you think about it, this feeling itself is a fallacy from all aspects, rationally speaking, how can he (she) must be the most special person? How can you be sure you won't meet a better and more suitable one in the future? Of course, you are overwhelmed by love, your IQ is reduced to nearly negative, so you can not do rational thinking, you can only follow the strong emotional intuition.
The so-called "true love" is just an illusion, or illusion, is the brain after some chemical reactions produced irrational state.
The key is, how to create such an illusion for the opposite sex? Or, how is the opposite sex's affection for you stimulated?
What is desire? There is a simple and brutal phrase straight to its essence - "what you can't get is always stirring".
The essence of desire is that you want to fill yourself, want to possess what you have not yet possessed, want to climb to the heights you have not yet reached, and constantly expand your boundaries.
Therefore, the object of desire can only be the things you have not yet obtained.
And according to Adler's theory of purpose, all mental suffering is due to your purpose, which is to get what you want but can't get.
The essence of the feeling of liking someone is the pain of wanting to get but not getting, and you have to desire the person who can make you "get" in order to get rid of this pain.
We can call the painful state of not getting "negative dopamine state", and the satisfaction of getting "dopamine state".
Dopamine is the essence of positive emotions such as pleasure and joy that individuals feel in a biological sense. The essence of an event that makes you happy is because your brain secretes dopamine when it happens - whether it is winning a prize, passing an exam, getting love, getting a promotion or a raise, getting a massage or a good meal, or anything else that makes you feel happy, pleasure or comfortable, the essence is that the occurrence of that event makes your brain secrete dopamine. The essence of your pursuit of sex is also the pursuit of dopamine.
Then the essence of the feeling of "like" or "love" is actually your desire to return to the dopamine state after being in the negative dopamine state, and if this process is related to someone, then this desire will be projected onto that person
-- it is no exaggeration to say that all the love affairs in the world are born because of this.
Returning to Adler's purpose theory, the reason why this theory is one of the cornerstones of modern psychology is that it is so widely applicable that it can be used to explain the causes of most human conscious behavior.
Once a purpose, people will pay for it, and if the return does not meet expectations, or the return is not proportional to the payment, people will instinctively continue to pay for it, and will fall into a vicious circle, and eventually can not extricate themselves from the deeper they fall.
Take a simple example, the glory of the king. Why are so many people fascinated by this game? It's because the game mechanics use the matchmaking mechanism to keep your win rate within 50%, so that after you win a few games, the system will set you up with a bad teammate.
The essence of your fascination with this game is that you set yourself the purpose of "to win the game" from the beginning, and act for it, once the purpose is achieved, you will enter the dopamine state, and if the purpose is not achieved, you will fall into the negative dopamine state.
In fact, if you think about it, even if you win ten in a row, what can you get? Besides wasting a lot of time, will your savings increase as a result? No, but you can't stop yourself from repeating it.
-- This is the power of Adler's purpose theory. Once a person sets up a purpose, he or she instinctively tries to get rid of the painful feeling when the purpose is not achieved, and is then caught in a vicious circle of constantly serving the purpose, which itself does not need to have any substantial meaning.
For example, I wonder if you have ever had such an experience when shopping online: you look at a commodity, in fact, you are not too eager to buy it, and you will even hesitate, will be torn whether to buy it. Then you finally decided to buy it, so you went to pay for it, at this time you have begun to fantasize about the feeling of getting it in your hands, but the store told you that this thing is too popular has been sold out, out of stock.
How do you feel at this time? Do you find that you need this product more? You want it more urgently than before, so you go to other stores to find it, even if the price is more expensive, but also willing to buy.
Why is that? It's because you set a purpose for yourself, and the moment you decide to order it, you already start to serve the purpose and start to imagine how to use it, so now you are in a dopamine state. But when you think you can get it, you find that it is not available, and the scenario you fantasize about will not happen, so you enter the negative dopamine state, and in order to get rid of it, you want it more urgently.
At the same time, the "tension" brought by the process of negative dopamine state to dopamine state is also the key to "addiction". We know that "addiction" is due to a negative dopamine state when a state is not reached, so you have to crave for a state. But there is another kind of addiction that is directed at the process of moving from a negative dopamine state to a dopamine state itself. It is like having a bottle of cold Coke on a hot day when you are extremely thirsty, the pleasure you get is far from what you would get from drinking Coke in a normal state.
For example, in the above mentioned King's Glory, the switch from a negative dopamine state to a dopamine state between winning and losing brings great tension, and this is the reason why people who play King's Glory become addicted, making them repeat the process over and over again.
Understanding this, you will know that those couples that seem very irrational are actually very much in line with this principle.
I'll give you an example, this example is the plot of the movie "To Our Last Youth", don't think that the movie as an example will be out of touch with reality, in fact, the movie comes from reality, it can be said that the director understands the mind of the girls, after all, the director is a woman, and the director also said that this is the thing that she really experienced. So I highly recommend that you go see the film again, there will be a lot of inspiration.
The movie has a plot like this: Zheng Wei (Yang Zishan) and Chen Xiaozheng (Zhao Yuting) was a near-unbreakable enemy relationship, and Zheng Wei in order to make Chen Xiaozheng embarrassed, he beat the rice to find a reason to dump, was Chen Xiaozheng severely reprimanded, Zheng Wei found himself in love with each other, and confessed his love to each other.
Many people think that this plot is not too abrupt, originally Zheng Wei is hated Chen Xiaozheng, how suddenly like it? In fact, such an example, you recall the high school or college years, there must have encountered, for example, a girl how with a frequent bullying her punk good? The original rivalry between the two people how to suddenly become flirting? In fact, the arrangement of this plot, just highlights the director or screenwriter is well versed in psychology, we deconstruct the whole process, you will understand: how they started a feud at the beginning of the feud.
In the beginning, they were feuding because Chen Xiaozheng pushed Zheng Wei down in order to defend his model, and Zheng Wei was furious and kept asking Chen Xiaozheng to apologize, which Chen Xiaozheng refused to do.
Later on the campus road Zheng Wei bumped into Chen Xiaozheng again and asked for an apology but was still refused.
In fact, here, Zheng Wei has produced "purpose", because she feels that she was hurt by the other side, which is a kind of pay, so want to apologize to the other side, which is seeking feedback, but not yet to like, or to say that here Zheng Wei does not feel that this is the feeling of like. However, Chen Xiaozheng still refuses to apologize, that is, still no feedback.
This makes Zheng Wei more anxious, the need for feedback more intense, so how does she solve it? Choosing to make a move that hurts the other person, with the intention that this would gain psychological balance, she poured out Chen Xiaozheng's rice. This was thought to be psychologically balanced, however, Chen Xiaozheng's response sent her into an even greater state of negative dopamine.
Chen Xiaozheng said this to Zheng Wei: "I apologize to you, count you win, please don't appear in front of me again, I don't know what you want to do, you want to play, many people like to play with you, but don't bother me, I don't have as much boring time and energy as you do, and I'm not in a position to just waste a bowl of rice like you do, you're really annoying like that.
Chen Xiaozheng's words were extremely damaging to Zheng Wei, first denying her character and directly pointing out her cynical state, the phrase "nor do I have the conditions to waste a bowl of rice casually like you do" put himself on the moral high ground, leaving Zheng Wei trapped in guilt, and then the phrase "please don't appear in front of me again" directly cut off the hope of feedback.
This paragraph, successfully put Zheng Wei into a greater negative dopamine state, so much so that once the roommate mentions the name Chen Xiaozheng, she will be furious.
However, after the rage, she walked alone on campus, but called the radio station to complain and admitted that she was in love with Chen Xiaozheng.
Zheng Wei said, "Sister Zijuan, I want to know, if I think about someone every day, I obviously hate him, but I want to see him, when I see him, my whole body is tense, but if I hear him and see him with other girls, I can't tell how hard it is to feel.
The whole process above is a textbook interpretation of Stockholm syndrome being triggered. To summarize, Zheng Wei was upset, resentful, and upset because of Chen Xiaozheng's reprimand, and also because Zheng Wei had set up a "purpose" for herself at the beginning, which was to make Chen Xiaozheng apologize and make up for her, and this purpose was never achieved, so she fell into a great negative dopamine state. The only way to get rid of this state is to find Chen Xiaozheng, so there is a strong sense of need for Chen Xiaozheng, and this sense of need will eventually "alienate" towards sexual desire, so there is a strong sexual urge for Chen Xiaozheng.
This time someone will be foolish to say, then I do not just hurt her, you can get her heart?
If you hurt someone randomly, the other person will just think you are a psychopath and avoid you.
The key is that combined with Adlerian purpose theory, the starting point of the entire strategy revolves around first getting the other person to generate their own purpose. As mentioned earlier, the purpose itself does not need to have any substantive meaning, it may be due to the other person's curiosity, or the other person's attention, as long as the other person generates the purpose himself, and takes the first step for this purpose, then the whole theory begins to take effect.
How does the other person generate the "purpose" on his or her own initiative?