Highly controlling parents, broken children

How easy is it to destroy a child? The answer is: "control him".

Many parents, in the process of educating their children, are accustomed to controlling their children's bodies and minds in the name of "love" or forcing them with their parental authority, and even putting all their unfulfilled wishes and regrets on their children.

When parents impose their desires on their children, they make the children feel "invaded" and out of their instincts, they either rebel and run away from their parents and fight against them in everything.

Either the child "wraps and closes" the inner self with a shell, becoming submissive and lacking the vitality of life.

A son trapped in his mother's "time cage

This is a unit drama that is more horrifying than a horror movie. The Taiwanese drama "Mom's Remote Control" tells the story of bad family education.

A boy, Xiao Wei, secretly changes his report card to get a chance to travel with his friends.

He thought his mom didn't find out, however, the weird and scary thing is that his days keep repeating on the same day, doing the same things, meeting the same people, saying the same words, but only he knows these have happened before ......

It turns out that the mother somehow got a remote control that can turn back the clock and remote control the life of her son Xiaowei.

As long as the part that makes the mother unsatisfied, she can make everything start over or even loop through this remote control, over and over again, until her son does what she wants.

Xiao Wei fell into the abyss of pain, not wanting to be at the mercy of his mother, he had to repeat the same day over and over again, and after a dozen times, finally could not stand the torture and gave in to his mother.

The mother intensified her efforts to force him to eat bitter melon every day, forced her son to wear the shirt of her choice, used the remote control to control the time rewind, and made her son take a lesson over and over again until he mastered all the solutions, and he had to be forced to accept all his mother's demands.

After discovering Xiao Wei's "early love", his mother fiercely threatened him to break up with the girl and paranoidly pressed the rewind button even after his son said, "I will hate you for the rest of my life".

The mother still chose to press the "rewind button" over and over again to bring him back to the day he was alive. ......

The son, who could not live, could not die, became his mother's "puppet" and became an "obedient" "understanding" "good" child in his mother's eyes, living forever in his mother's shadow.

This drama makes people's spine chill, such love, is depressing, and suffocating. Unfortunately, the mother keeps controlling the child in her own way, ignoring the child's inner needs and even trying to control the child for life.

A body can only bear a soul, the mother who holds the remote control of her son's life, when her "for your own good" becomes obsessed with allowing the child to complete their obsessions, it is the same as "killing" the child one at a time in the spirit.

This drama reveals the common problem in parenting education, the extreme practice of mothers controlling their sons' lives is abhorrent.

The reality is that countless parents are holding such a life remote control. The name is "control".

Many parents unknowingly use words and actions to bring a huge shadow on their children's lives, and many children are complaining about their parents' desire to control them.

Why do many parents like to control their children?

(1) Unclear boundaries

Parents want their children to be better than they are, thinking that they have mastered the code of life as a person who has been there and that their initial intention is to make their children fewer detours, avoid the pitfalls they have fallen through, and be better and more successful.

Some parents are motivated to have children because they want to achieve their unfulfilled ideals through their children.

They do not realize that the child is an independent individual, so they transfer their own needs and anxieties to the child, binding themselves to the child, advancing and retreating together, and sharing their sorrows and joys.

If the child succeeds, he or she succeeds;

The child's failure is his or her failure.

If the child is not willing to comply with their expectations and ideas, in the eyes of the controlling parents, I am afraid it will be directly equivalent to "cause me to fail", as a kind of "aggressive behavior" on their own, so that their own life is worse than death.

(2) Anxiety and worry

As parents must have anxiety and worry about their children's future, they feel that if they do not care, things will get out of hand, and the results are terrible, they are very anxious, so they will unconsciously ask their children to do according to the parents' ideas, and even though moral kidnapping to conduct.

Parents with perfectionist personalities, in particular, have difficulty tolerating "imperfect" or "uncertain" situations, and cannot tolerate the loss of control, so they avoid, at all costs, putting their children in what they perceive as "dangerous "possibilities.

But this is a confusion of roles, and breaking out of one's role to invade others will not relieve anxiety.

(3) Inability to distinguish between love and control

Many parents also grow up with a parenting style that is full of discipline and control, often in the name of "love".

"I'm doing this because I love you, I'd leave you alone if you weren't my child," and over time, they internalize this perception and equate care with control.

There may be love, even deep love, in this model, or there may be a lack of love or no love. But it has become difficult for parents to separate pure love from discipline and control.

Often, amid the educational process and love life, parents and even partners are unable to distinguish between love and control.

(4) Pathological narcissism

Pathologically narcissistic parents are too appreciative of their own words, actions, and ways of doing things, and care only about their thoughts and feelings in an extraordinary way. They are arrogant, controlling, lacking in empathy, deprived and empty inside, emotionally impoverished, and simply ignore their children.

They want their children to achieve accomplishments that they can brag about, but they cannot tolerate their children having their ideas ......

They rarely put themselves in the child's shoes to truly respect, understand and identify with the child's feelings.

They are so busy and worried or self-righteous that they think that if they accompany, care for, and educate their children according to their ideas, then their children will be raised better than other people's children.

If a child achieves something, it is because he or she has been "well taught" and "well controlled".

Then if the process is not right and the result is not satisfactory, it must be the child's problem!

(5) Psychological defense mechanism: self-protection

Since many parents themselves grew up in an environment where they were suppressed and ridiculed, they can be very repulsed by their weak, incompetent selves.

Each person has a psychological defense mechanism, and as they grow up, they may subconsciously avoid their trauma and gain a sense of power by controlling others to protect themselves.

(6) Gaining a sense of power and value

The nature of control is to gain a sense of worth.

Many parents control their children in the hope that they will achieve something and give the parents a boost to their faces.

In turn, savoring this reason reflects that the parent is a failure and needs to become a success with the help of the child.

Some parents have failed marriages and are powerless in the face of life and marriage, but cannot accept this fact and want to use their children as a tool to turn their lives around.

Some parents, unable to gain a sense of control at work or in their social status, or believing themselves to be failures in life, have to turn their attention to the weakest, but also the best to control - their children - and make them responsible for their own lives.

Mom's Remote Control

Your child is not your "child"

Parents who dictate their children's lives with a "remote control" need to understand that their children are not your "children".

As Kahlil Gibran says in his poem: Your children are not your children, they are the children of life, the desire of life itself. They come into the world through you, but not because of you; they are beside you, but they do not belong to you.

The meaning of love is not to "raise children for old age" or to let them help us fulfill our wishes, but to provide for their journey.

Each child is unique, with his or her mission in life, developmental characteristics, and processes.

Parents need to respect the child, respect his or her mastery over his or her life, and let the child, live as the child itself.