Complete Owner's* Manual for a Cancer Woman

If you've found yourself partnered with a cancer woman, well then congratulations! You found yourself a dedicated worker, friend or lover for life. Allow me to shed some light on the mystery you face when trying to figure out the quirks that come with them.

Working:

We cancer folks honestly want to be good workers..and we are. However sometimes we are just prone to being a bit lazy. Kicking back after a bout of exertion is just our way of patting ourselves on the back for a partial job well done. Some constructive criticism is welcome, but you better be prepared to give us some praise in approximately a 2:1 ratio or you may find us contributing to a hostile work environment. We are slaves to no one but ourselves, so get in line. On the flip side, we also contribute positivity on our up days but bask in the glow when you can because moodiness may set in and we will take our sunshine back into our shells and hoard it. Our best bet for work is to not have an aggressive boss, as those can force us into a devious state of mind that might give rise to minor plotting of your demise. We like things fair and equal for everyone, so playing favorites will only hasten said demise.

Love:

If you appreciate devotion then cancer is a sure bet for you. It really doesn't take much to make us happy. I can't figure out why more people don't grasp this. We may be slightly higher maintenance when it comes to caring for us emotionally (you better be prepared to let us know on a regular basis that we are the ONLY one in your eyes), but the material things really don't phase us. For example, I don't get cards/flowers/candy on any Hallmark holiday. COOL, most of us think Hallmark holidays are for the disingenuous. But I do recall one night after climbing into bed exhausted with freezing cold feet, my husband of 20 years noticed the ice cubes attached to the bottoms of my legs. Not only did he get out of bed and go to my sock drawer, but he actually found the thickest socks in there and put them on my feet. What maniac does something like that? A man after a cancer's heart, that's who. It's why, even after more than five years, I won't ever forget that simple but loving gesture. It's all about the little things, and they totally add up like deposits in the bank. Take THAT Hellmark!

Parenting:

Hell hath no fury like a cancer whose child has been wronged in any way. Pray for mercy if you are caught in their crosshairs (although it's probably your own fault since we are a pretty fair bunch). Slowly back up while apologizing and we may let you live with all of your faculties intact. Crabs are far more scary than mamma bears with their cubs. Once, when my boy cub was the tender age of 6, a nasty neighbor did push the giant uh-oh button. I was at the kitchen sink watching my son play very nicely by himself in our back yard. He stopped for a moment and just looked at the neighbors dogs. I may have questioned it if I hadn't witnessed it for myself. The neighbor yelled at my son and told him to leave his dogs alone. Oof. I just about ripped the back screen door off trying to get out of the house to confront the loser in a timely fashion. A string of obscenities flowed out of my mouth like the Hoover Damn just busted loose. All I remember is something about " you fu*&%ing moron" at the end of my impromptu speech. As requested, he never spoke to my son again.

Friends:

Cancer friends should be pretty laid back and low maintenance. My best friends are the ones I can call after five years of no contact and just pick up where we left off like no time has passed. Our friends understand that even though we may not call them on a weekly basis, we still love them dearly. Lack of communication to our real friends does not equal ghosting from a cancer. Once you are a friend to us, you are pretty much up there with family (the ones we like anyway). Never ever betray the trust. We won't come back from that. We might reach a space where imaginary daggers don't shoot out of our eyes when we see you, but we won't trust you again. Just cut your losses and move on. We have already. OK, at least on the outside anyway so just pretend you think we have.

Which brings me to some overall pointers in dealing with cancers:

-Cancers are pretty private with their most inner thoughts. You have to be in our very tight circle of loved ones to get even close to our tiniest secrets.

-We prefer to operate out of the spotlight. Never ever put us on the spot. It is soul crushing for us.

-We are quietly passionate. If we weren't afraid to be ourselves in public we would probably have lots more admirers. We are shy so it's just awkwardness and bumble all around.

-We are actually very nurturing, and if you are lucky enough to catch the heart of a cancer then you will have a devoted love that strives to make you happy.

-Give and take is everything to us, we prefer balance in all areas of life. Extremes make us cringe.

-Just try to take our tiny little outbursts seriously (pretending is fine) and we'll simmer down, apologize and thank you for your patience and understanding. Later of course, but we will.

-Don't even try to lie to us. Intuition is our superpower and you'll just make an ass of yourself. And possibly end up with bruises to boot.

-A late night stroll under the full moon would be the perfect date night for us, lucky you!

Overall, simple is best when tending to us. We are so easy to please and the biggest mistake most people make is complicating things far more than necessary. Cancers are a little bit wild, a little bit traditional and a little bit (OK, a lot) sensitive.

I hope you've enjoyed your tour of this marvelous zodiac sign. May it bring you a little more understanding of your seemingly moody moon goddess. Oh, and one last little pointer before I part; we really aren't violent whatsoever, we just want you to think we're tougher than we actually are. Crabs...am I right?

If you're still with me and reading this to the end, then you're ahead of the game. Trying to understand what makes a cancer woman tick shows just the level of effort we really appreciate in a partner, friend or coworker. Best of luck with your cancer woman. She is truly everything you never even knew you needed.