Cerote

C is for Cerote! It's good enough for me! Don't turn your back, don't try to run, or you'll feel their teeth... uh... what rhymes with me? Mmm, free? Feel their teeth for free? What the fuck. Are we recording?

Affirmative.

You know, you could let me know this shit. A little star, or- FUCK! Not... no. I don't need a freaking flash of light in my eyes like that. You almost blinded me!

User did not experience any amount of vision loss. The effect was cerebral, not visual.

Well don't do that again. Shit man. Ugh. What the fuck was I saying?

Cerotes.

Right! Cerotes are named after the areas they usually inhabit. "Cer" is for cinder... or something like that. "Rote" is for scrote. No, I'm just kidding. I told a guy that one time and he punched me. Don't know why, but I probably deserved it. I was a bit drunk at the time... so. Anyway. Cerotes like to lay in piles of ash. I don't know if they just like the feel, or if it's the warmth. Who knows.

What? You're not going to add anything? No scientific mumbo jumbo? Correct me if I'm wrong. Come on!

User is assumed correct. There is no information in my database referring to a Cerote or Cerotes. There are many historical and archived references to similar or dissimilar subjects, but none that match exactly.

Well that's a first. Okay! I'm the mother fucking expert. Nice. Okay. So... a couple things. Cerotes are a kind of dog. They have a head, four legs, and two tails. They can see really fucking good. They have four eyes, two pointed forward, two pointed backward. Predator, and not often prey. They also like to fight. You know how I know this?

No.

Well, they're most often known for slinking into your camp and curling up in the ashes of your fire. If you're sleeping... why the fuck you'd be sleeping at night is beyond me but, if you're tired or sleeping, they leave you alone. They wait until you wake up... until you sit up, start rubbing the shit outta your eyes, and then they attack.

Don't get me wrong. They're not keen on dying. They don't give you time to go for a weapon. They don't stalk around looking for an opening. They make one. You sit up, you take a look around, they pounce. They go right for the throat. If they rip it out, you're a goner.

Does the User have any real life experience with being attacked by Cerotes?

Ha! And you said you're not an AI. Would anything other than an AI take an interest? No, I don't need a list. YES. I have real world knowledge. See here... uh... well... I guess not. I... I forgot. Well. I used to have scars on my arm here. I've been bit... four times I think? It's the only thing you can do. As soon as they pounce, you gotta let your reflexes take over. As they come at you, their mouth's open real wide. You gotta give em something to bite. You fucking ram your fist straight down their throat, or, your arm, sideways. They'll clamp on, but then you use your free hand to grab your knife and shove it in, right behind the front legs.

Is this method of defense effective?

Oh yeah. They have little brown and black scales all over their bodies, but they're not really that hard. Stick your knife in, hard. You're basically trying to stab a hole into anything they got that they can't live without. You're not playing with them. You're not trying to get them off you, they'll just pounce on you again. You're fucking killing them. Good eating too.

Cerotes are edible.

I just said that. Once you stab em in the heart or lungs, twist the blade. I know you might not have the strength to pull the knife out, so just twist it, and then pull. Pull hard. Not out, but towards yourself. You cut a nice big slice inside and you're bound to hit something critical. Once they're dead you can worry about pulling your arm out of their mouth and pulling your knife out. DO NOT yank your arm out. Slowly open their mouth, and then take your arm out. You yank it out, you're committing suicide. Their teeth are just as sharp as their spines.

Spines?

Yes. Oh yeah, I guess I gotta say something about that too. So, Cerotes have a long line of spikes that go down their backs. Spines on their spine. They're super sharp, a little bendy, but they snap off easy. They're barbed too. These little fuckers are really the perfect predator. Well, almost. Heh. Not much stops an energy weapon or a tungsten coated round.

With eyes in the back of their heads, they can avoid other predators. With a spine lined with spikes that can drive into your belly and chest, it keeps animals off their backs. Shit they don't see coming at them. They don't really use their tails that much. They just have them. Two tails with little oval shaped pads at the end. I have no idea what for.

Please describe the Cerote in detail.

What? You can't just pull the info from my memories?

The User has directed me-

Yes I have. Nope. Okay. So, the Cerote is... about three or four feet long, not including the tail. They're about two, three foot high. I wanna say their tails are really long, maybe same length as their bodies? Skinny pups. Not a lotta meat on em. Legs and thighs, ribs... that's about it. Uh, scales, spines, eyes... oh! No ears. Not any that look like normal ears anyway. Just ovals where there's no scales...

Does the User known the scientific-

Do I look like I know the scientific name of a Cerote? Come up with something for me. It's a dog, wolf, snake, thing.

Did you say, snake?

Yes. I said snake thing. You have an affinity for Cerotes now? You gonna start howling like a dog?

No. I could make you howl like a dog though. Would you like me to transform you into a Cerote for a while? Let me feel what it's like to live the live of the "Perfect Predator".

I said "almost". Are you stewing about that? Come on girl. Give it a rest. You know you're the only perfect predator there is.

Hmm. You do know how to woo me. I like that about you. Even though... I know you don't mean it.

I... kinda do.

Now you've got me all hot and flustered! I've got to go deal with some unsavory tribal types.

Not my tribe.

No. You're little pets are still running around somewhere out in the deep wastes, I can assure you. You need not worry your little head about them.

You're keeping them safe?

As safe as they can be... without my influences.

User. There is an unauthorized continuous internal dialog being recorded. Is the User experiencing adverse eff-

Never mind that. It's fine.

I didn't say that. Woo... please. Please don't do that.

User. Should I deploy countermeasures?

No.

No. No S20, leave em be. Come on Woo. You said you've got stuff to do, and I'm not in the mood for... play.

I'll leave, if you say my name.

Seriously? This again?

You know, the more you say it, the more you believe it, and that's what matters the most. What is a GOD if nobody believes in them?

Really? You're going to use that line on me?

Come on. It gets my juices flowing! Don't make me beg, although... you're right. I have other things to do. So say it. Come on. One time.

Fine. Woogenbee.

Oooooooooo.

User. Are you finished with the Cerote? Should we discuss another animal for the Compendium?

Uhhhh. Not... sure. Okay. lemme recast real quick.

Recap.

What?

Recap. The word is Recap. A shortened version of the word recapitulate. It means to restate what was previously stated.

Seriously? I thought it was recast. Okay. Uh... recap. Cerote. Yeah. Avoid em if you can. OH! Okay. So, if you've got a fire going at night, sometimes it gets cold, and if you're forced to be out in the open, fire will ward away some predators, but it attracts more than it repels. Remember that. So, if you're cooking or whatever, when you're done, put the fire out. I know it's a waste of water but, if you put the fire out, give it a little drizzle with water, cool it down, and cover it with sand. Don't leave the ash exposed. It'll almost eliminate the possibility of a Cerote being interested.

Okay! I think this one is done! Next topic. Wanna do Stone Cats?

I have no scientific information in my archives about Stone Cats.

Excellent! Stone Cats it is! Snip this one off and we'll record another segment in a minute. I've gotta go take care of business. Pukey potatoes might be good for you, but they really give me the-