Bullbear

Okay. Okay, got it. We recording? Okay, never mind. Okay. Hey all you Wasties! Ready for another informational packaged whatchamajig? Well, here it is. Take it from me, I know. Why? How? The previous is not as important as the most recent! Gotcha confused yet? WHAM! That's how it happens! DEATH. Just sneaks up on you. So listen up! I mean... read? Can they listen to this?

Would you prefer an audio recording?

How was the last one done? Just text? Why didn't you tell me you could do an audio recording at the same time! Jesus fucking crispy! Okay, never mind. We... we'll just stick with the text. Fucking machines. No! no. Never mind that. Sorry. Just... let's get on with it, okay?

Affirmative.

What did I tell you about all this affirmative shit?

Yes.

Okay. Yeah. That's better. Okay. What's the fuckin' topic for this one? I really wanna do Bullbears. No! Scrap that! Didn't come out right. Hey-zeus fuck. I'm never gonna live that down. Can we start over? Just... erase the first part. Let's start fresh.

Would you like to begin?

Yeah. Now. Let's go. Bullbears.

Okay.

Alright. Bullbears.

Scientific Classification; Maximus Ursus Taurus Hybrid

Oh, here we fucking go again! Fine! Let's get all the scientific shit outta the way so I can tell them what the fuck to do to survive one of these bitches!

A byproduct of genetic testing and research to find a more hardy cattle animal, the Bullbear rose to prominence during the long hibernation period following the recent global conflict event,

The War.

Yes. Although the word "war" does not accurately describe the multi-faceted causality that led to the extinct-

We're not extinct. Am I standing here? Taking to you?

You are not your forefathers and foremothers. You are a descendent of an extinct-

We are not extinct. Fuck man! Is anyone gonna read this shit if you keep telling them they're fucking extinct? We're not extinct. We're still top of the food chain.

No you're not.

You... sh- shush... please.

Hmm.

I said please.

Go on.

Can we cut the crap about being extinct? We came back. We went into hardened underground bunkers. I told you about the subs. Do you want me to explain it all again? Oh shit. We could... we could do a little thing about that, I guess. But not now. We're talking Bullbears. Could you continue with what you were... the information?

Yes. The Bullbear is most often identified by it's large spiral forward pointing horns, which can vary in size-

They're fucking huge.

-from a few centimeters, to multiple feet in length and width. The Bullbears horns are symmetrical, which is essential, due to their size. Bullbears which lose or break a horn for whatever reason, usually perish quickly.

From being lopsided?

An uneven weight distribution of that magnitude puts undue stress on the animals spine.

How... How would you know any of this? If these things came to "prominence" while we were all taking our... our...

Vacation?

What's a vacation?

An absence of work.

Wha-... okay. Sure. Vaccination, Vacation, whatever.

Those are not the same.

GOB DAMN IT! I told you to stop doing that! Jesus F-... I don't need a complete fucking historical download on vacations! You're... you're wasting my brain space! I thought I told you not to hook up to that damn thing!

The information is not a download. I simply connected you to the pertinent-

Shut it! Just stop. Answer the question. How do you know this stuff about Bullbears?

Some initial studies and observations were recorded by numerous scientific teams upon reemergence.

So some of the subs came up and first thing they wanted to do was record shit about a Bullbear?

---

You don't know. Okay. Okay, that's all you had to say. "I don't know." It's that easy. Just say it.

Would you like to switch to recording audio?

No! Okay, just continue with the info.

Most adult Bullbears weigh approximately 2000 kilograms, or over 4000 pounds. Two tons.

Enough conversions. They don't know that shit. They're as big as an ALT.

The ALT, also known as the Heavy Armor Levitating Tank is-

We're talking about Bullbears gob damn it! Stay on track or I'm gonna shut you off.

User would perish.

Well... then I'll leave you on. But come on... you're really making this too much for me to handle. I feel like scrapping the whole project now.

Let's cover snakes, and then you can be done.

No. No... not right now. We're doing Bullbears. Bullbears, and then a couple other things. We'll get to snakes... later. S20, please... for the love of gob... continue with the Bullbear info.

Male Bullbears are smaller than females, although, the data supporting this information is very limited. I question its accuracy.

Okay. Keep going.

Average lifespan is unknown.

Typical. I hate this shit. Nobody knows when they're gonna kick the bucket.

I know.

Stop that. Come on.

Average shoulder height of a fully grown adult Bullbear is approximately 1000 cm.

Okay. I'm taking over. Fuck me.

Mmm. I love a strong man.

Can we just... can you both just let me finish?

User. There is an unauthorized code link attempting to gain access to-

Stop it! God damnit! Stop it.

What? I'm just having a little fun! A little tickle is all.

Stop it. It's my brain. Not a toy.

Everything is a toy.

We discussed this. Not my brain. Understand?

Of course. You don't have to patronize me.

I'm not patronizing you. I... you know how hard you're making this?

Of course I do.

And you're just loving it, aren't you?

I'm beside myself. Oh look! There I am.

Okay, I'm going back to snakes. No. Not snakes. I mean snakes. Snakes. SNAKES. God damnit! Stop fucking around. Snakes.... Snakes... Mother fucker. You are a mother fucker.

I have, on the occasion, had the company of a woman who had previously given birth to one of you scraggly human types.

Could you please change that back?

You're quite the whiner where you're not eviscerating some hulking behemoth with my little sticker.

Thhhank you for that. Again.

I'll make sure to mention it again, soon.

Okay. Back-to-Bullbears. Aaaaaah. Thank you.

It's the little things.

Yes. Okay. Bullbears. Bullbears are the apex pred-

Ahem?

What I meant was, Bullbears are "one of" the apex predators?

Good enough.

One of, the apex predators in the Wasteland. They're huge. Huge hulking beasts, a mix between one of those little cattle cowies you find in settlements, and the little brown furballs we see up in the northern reaches along the radiation belt. Take a cow, and a furball, combine them, blow them up like... a hundred times, and you've got a Bullbear.

Bullbears have horns. Huge motherfucking horns. Bigger than a human. Some have multiple sets. A smaller medium size set in between the huge ones, and I've even seen one with a third set starting to grow out in between those. Bullbear horns are one of the most prized things in the Wasteland, for no reason.

The tip of a Bullbear's horn is so sharp, scientists think it cuts on an atomic scale.

Okay. I did not know that. Good info.

A Bullbear's horns can penetrate all known substances. A sheering effect causes the middle of the horn to cut through the previous forward penetrating layers, enlarging any point of penetration to provide additional deeper penetration.

That's... a lot of penetration. Okay. Next topic.

The Bullbear's hide is made of interlocking plates of iron rich polymetal created trough an unknown process involving symbiotic bacteria that live on the Bullbear's skin, and in it's digestive tract.

What?

The Bullbear attains it's deep red and black mottled hide from these microscopic plates which are predominantly abundant on the upper and outer skin surfaces. It is thought that the bacteria use a form of photosynthesis to power an electrochemical ion exchange in raw materials found in the Wasteland, from dirt and sand, to dust and microscopic particulate.

Soooo... the reason they're hide is so tough, is because it's basically armor plating.

Yes. On a much more-

Okay. Got it. Tell em about the teeth.

Bullbears have multiple layers of teeth, thought to originate from the hybrid genetic modification process.

No they don't! They have super sharp teeth like fucking daggers! I have a couple in my sack. Just-

Bullbears genetic diversity consists of approximately 32% Bovine Tarus base genes, 26% base Ursus Horriblis, 10% C. Carcharius, 3% C. Squamiferum, and the remaining genetic diversity is unknown.

Again. All that shit makes no sense, and NO! I do not want access to that information. I don't need to know it. Wasties do not need to know it. Nobody needs to know that. What they need to know is how to survive.

Bullbears are mean, they're ornery, and they're... well. Deadly. Deadly was the word I was looking for. They eat whatever they can fit in their mouth, which is almost everything else in the wasteland. A couple other things real quick. They can't see for shit. They're not that fast, but they're massive so... they're fast. Armored. Dagger teeth. Super fucking sharp horns. Am I missing anything?

Would you like to mention Dantwan the Bullbutcher?

No.

Awww. Dantwan was such a nice boy. Everyone talks about him. He's almost as popular as Moi. Are you sure you don't want to mention him?

Do I have to?

No. But it would be nice to know you did it for me.

Fine. Dantwan the Bullbutcher was an Indo-

A filthy tribal.

Why do you have to do that?

What?

Talk about them that way.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Uh-huh. Don't forget, if it wasn't for them, I'd be dead. And you... well, you'd still be you. You just wouldn't be with me.

I know. I just love turning the knife.

Could you please stop? Just stop. Let me finish up.

Oh, alright. Go ahead. Talk about your dirty filthy little...

They aren't... never mind. I'm not getting into that with you. Dantwan the Bullbutcher was an Indo who was with his tribe, and something happened, and his tribe got trapped. Basically, trapped between a rock and a harppace.

User. The term is "Rock and hard place".

What? No! No. Never mind. I'll take your word for it. Okay. Well... what the fuck is a harppace?

According to historical records, Harry Herbert Pace was an American music publisher and insurance executive. He was the founder of Black Swan Records and-

Fuck! Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. What historical record are you accessing?

A technological innovation, the precursor to the USOTA Hard Base Information System. The closest reference I can find is a Googol, meaning the number 1, followed by one hundred zeroes.

So it's a hundred archives?

No. It is a Google. Ten-duotrigintillion search engine and information archive. Before written books were phased out, and the catastrophic event that wiped out-

Yes, yes, go on.

Google contained all the information on the planet.

So it's like you. A know it all.

---

Yeah. Okay. Dantwan! Dantwan the Bullbutcher. So this motherfucker was so bad ass, he went out by himself, no weapons, and he killed not just one Bullbear, but six. Anyway, that's the story. I don't believe it, unless he found some high explosive sniper rifle, or an antimaterial repeater... something. Nobody can kill six-

I was there. He killed six bullbears, all by himself.

What? I mean... how? How is that even possible?

Oh, you want to talk about snakes now?

Does this have to do with Dantwan?

Uh-huh.

No. Leave it for the snakes topic. We can include it then.

You're such a spoiler!

Yeah, okay. So... that's it then.

You haven't told them how to survive a Bullbear fight. How to hunt one. How to mate with one.

I'm not telling them how to mate with a Bullbear.

But you know, ...don't you.

NO! No I do not. Stop ruining my product! People are gonna pay hard earned credit for this shit! But you're right. I haven't told them everything, you're right. Okay.

How to survive a Bullbear encounter. There ain't no fighting when it comes to a Bullbear. Okay. So... say you're walking along, or riding a skiff, a buggy, caravan, rotor... no. Rotor's fly. Whatever. You come upon a Bullbear. If it hasn't spotted you, no biggie. Stand still. Don't move. Like I said, they have shit for eyesight. Eventually they'll turn around and then you just back on out.

If there are multiple Bullbears... don't move. Basically, be prepared to be a fucking stone, for a long time. Wait until they leave. All of them. Once they leave, then you can move. One Bullbear all by itself will usually leave you alone, even if it notices you, unless it's really fucking hungry. Multiple Bullbears, they act like they got something to prove. Fuckers will charge at you for no fucking reason. And then, it's all about hiding.

If you find yourself being charged by a Bullbear, you run and hide. If you can't run, you hide. Fucking fall to the ground and slap as much bullshit on you as you can. Sand, dust, rock, debris, anything, everything. You got a pack full of shit, rip it out, throw it around and cover up. If you got something that stinks, like Esseffone, toss that shit as far out as you can, and hope the fucking Bullbear goes after it. You can always go back and grab your shit once the Bullbear leaves. It's not a fucking tech patrol or a team of Mercs. Fucking bastards.

Okay. So we covered running, hiding, running and hiding. Oh. If you run and hide, pick a cave or a crevasse that's got some depth to it. Bullbears like to ram a horn into the crack and root around trying to pry you out like that last bit of pickled meat shit from Tarrytons. You know. Tarry-Tarry-Tarry tons! You eat at Tarry's you'll weigh a ton! Ha! Uh... well, that's just a little tune I made up. Not uh... not their official... forget I said that. Tarrytons pickled meat is great, and don't anyone say I said otherwise.

Should I say I'm sorry? Nah. They know I'm just fucking around. Okay. What else?

Come on. How to mate with-

No! But now that you mention it.

I knew it.

No. No, not what I'm going to say. But... they do need to know about the rut.

I'm listening.

Ugh. Okay. So... a couple months out of the year, Bullbears go on this cosmic quest to find other Bullbears, and... you know. Mate. Indo's call it rutting. Basically, it's a freaking orgy. They go up north, somewhere by the mountains or some shit, and they just go at it. Night and day. They don't eat. They don't sleep. Just... non-stop.

Sounds like my kinda fun.

Well... okay, so... if anyone, or anything, tries to interfere, they go completely Crapple-shit.

Ape-shit.

What is an Ape? Never mind. No. I know, I... I was making up my own word. Crapples, they smell like shit, right? So... that why I said it. Crapple-shit.

---

I believe you.

So... if you find a huge herd of Bullbears... I don't know why you'd go searching them out... but if you find them, and they look like they're... you know... doing it... get the hell outta there. Just run. Run, and run, and never go back. It's a death sentence for sure.

What about hunting them? Tell them how to hunt them.

You don't hunt them.

You did.

Once. One time. And that was crazy. I... I still don't know how I fucking survived.

Hmm?

Well, it was because of you, clearly, but... I still can't believe it.

If I had a credit for every time someone said that.

You'd have a lot of credits?

Yes. Ten-duotrigintillion credits.

Yeah. But... I mean... if I had to... I guess... Okay. Let's think this through.

First, you want to have a bunch of decoys. Just in case you get charged at. Second, you bring armor piercing rounds or... you think a plasma edge would work?

Takes too long.

Affirmative.

You need something that can penetrate. Teflon or Titanium rounds.

Neither has been proven to work. Neither is effective.

Really?

Due to the thickness of the Bullbear's hide, and the underlying elasticity, when impacted, the hide works like a non-neutonian fluid. The microscopic plates interlock and form incongruent angles, shredding projectiles and rendering them ineffective.

Holy fuck. So how did my spear get through?

Spear?

He killed a Bullbear with a spear.

It was old and weak.

It was not! It was in it's prime! It had just finished the rutting season and had just feasted on no less than three other villagers. User boy here-

You know I hate it when you call me that.

Should I call you Den-Abru?

Don't you fucking dare.

Okay! Okay... touchy. Well... I may have provided a bit of assistance with the takedown. Can we talk about snakes now?

Gob damnit. Fine. Briefly. Very briefly. I mean it.

Let me fill them in. There is nothing more insidious, heart breaking, or deadly, than the tiniest of snakes. The "Cradle Thief" is a small four foot orange beauty that loves to sneak into tents and cuddle up next to babies that don't get the constant attention they deserve. The snake begins by-

Stop. Nope. Uh-uh. Pick a different one. Jesus fucking crispy. Come on Woo.

Oh! Oh... okay. Well... let's switch to the heart breaker. A bright red princess of a snake. It stays hidden in brambles and bushes, and loves the little flowery types on mountain sides and rock slides. When little ladies come to pick flowers, it strikes, injecting a flesh eating bacteria that literally liquefies-

God Damn! Switch to the Jet Indigo! That's what you've been hankering on this entire time. I know it. Stop beating around the scrub bush!

Oh, you really know how to work a gal over, don't you?

You're no woman.

I'm a GOD. I can be whatever I want to be. Today... I'm a lady with manners. Otherwise, I'd make you pay for cutting me off... twice now.

Can we just... you know what? Fine. Recording is done. Shut it down. Pack this one up. We'll do a different segment on snakes later.

No! Wait! I... I'll behave. I promise. Let me tell them about the Jet. I'll be quick. I promise.

We still recording?

Affirmative. Yes.

Okay. Hurry up.

Okay. The Jet indigo. Oxyuranus Indigus Bellanus. It has many names. Eternal Night. Darkest Night. Death. It inhabits the deep sands of the Wasteland, and... other places. It consumes everything, but a favorite snack is one of the most toxic substances known as Indigo Nightshade, a plant that grows from a seed, blooms and produces fruit, all in one day... or should I say, night.

Indo's harvest the berries at night before they decay on the plant at dawn. One of the many reasons why Indos know the snake so well. The berry produces a startling vibrant blue ink which cannot be removed from the skin my any means. Crushing a berry between the fingers is instantly fatal, which is why Indos wear two pairs of gloves to harvest them.

The ink is so potent that a single berry can contaminate fifty gallons of purified water, and turn it so dark, it looks like the midnight sky itself. Rituals use the diluted ink to create permanent tatoo's on the skin, and induce a deep hallucinogenic state where, sometimes, the recipient never awakens.

Get back to the snake. You said this was going to be quick.

Okay, okay. So... the snake loves to eat the berries. It eats the entire plant actually. The Jet Indigo is immune to the toxin in the berries, and the toxin is so incredibly potent, it permeates every part of the snake.

Know the Jet Indigo by it's midnight kiss, lips and tongue as black as darkness. The scales glitter on the edges, but only slightly. Other than that, the snake appears as a streak of pure darkness. Black teeth, black eyes, the darkest blackest soul... A bite from the Jet Indigo is so deadly, nothing survives. A single scratch from the tip of a tooth is enough to kill a full grown Bullbear... Hmm. I wonder if that's what happened. Did you scratch it my dear?

I'm not talking until your finished.

The Jet Indigo is only spoken about by those who have witnessed it's unmerciful touch. It is said... even touching the snake can spell death. You've never touched one, have you?

Are you done?

Yes. I think I've said enough.

Alright. We're done with Bullbears. End this segment and label it Bullbears... and tag it as a rough draft. I'm gonna need to redo this one.

Affirmative.

Okay. I'm so fucking tired. Where's the water? Oh... there it is. Okay.

*drinking sounds*

Ahhhh. Okay. So... lets pick another topic. Something not about snakes. What other animals should we cover?

Do you wish to make a list?

Yeah. Okay. Uhhhh, so, we've got Ceroties, Solar Eagles, Sand Boars, Sand Snarks, Chalhuek. Razzies, Shit tons of lizards. Iguanas, skinks, geckos, dragos. We've got insects. Tiny Biters, those fucking purple hornets. Super Potato hornets. Nah. I don't know what to call them. No, don't tell me. I'll figure it out on my own. Mmm. Greasers... Yellow Worm. Should I include Esseffone? Yeah. I have to. Which means I should include blood thorn and- oh, shit. Sand Slugs. You know... hold on.

You're still fucking recording! I thought I sa-