Bullet Crab

A note for all you Wasties out there, just trying to survive. Take this shit seriously. Real seriously. Your life depends on it. Nuff said. Here ya go.

The Bullet Crab is one bad motherfucker. Yeah, I would know. Lost a lot of good friends and a couple enemies to these bad boys. So let me break it down for ya. First, you gotta know what you're looking at.

Alpheus Giganticus. Order-

Stop that. Just stop that shit, okay? Nobody cares about that stupid shit. Stay out of it. Just record, and leave the commentary to me. Got it.

Affirmative.

Alright. Okay. Sorry about that. My assistant can be... a bit intrusive.

Alright. Bullet Crabs look like rocks. I've seen them all kinds of colors. Gray, tan, brown, sand color... whatever sand is around them. They blend in. I don't know if they have some sort of color changing ability or not. I'm not a Tweaker, and I'm no science pro either. I leave that shit to them. I'm just giving it to you straight. They look like the rocks around them. So how can you actually tell the difference between a Bullet Crab and a rock? Well... if you still got all your limbs and head, then it's a rock. HAH!

Okay, seriously though. Bullet crabs have like... twenty legs. Little spindly things, but don't get confused. They aren't soft. The shell is hard as polysteel, and their claws are even harder. So here's some good advice. Any time you see a rock cluster, look at the base of the rocks. If the base of the rock is moving...oh yeah, I forgot to mention this. Bullet Crabs never stop moving. I guess they have so much energy, sitting still just doesn't suit them. But if they jiggle around, then everyone will see what they are.

So, you see a rock cluster, you look at the base, you might see all these little legs swaying back and forth, like there's a breeze or something. I think...you know, they might do this to attract prey. Anyway, they keep those legs moving, but the legs aren't the dangerous part. Like I said, the shell - the part that looks like a freaking rock - is hard. The claws are harder.

Bullet Crabs... they might be dumb as shit, they might be big... oh yeah, the smallest one I've seen is about three foot... the biggest... twenty? Maybe twenty. So, where was I? Oh yeah. Sorry. Freaking wet wire always messes with my cognitive train of thought. Yeah, I'm using that as my excuse. Anyway... Bullet Crabs are FAST and they are SLOW. Lemme explain.

Bullet Crabs don't go chasing down their prey. They lure them in. Once you're within range, they shoot you with their claws. See, somewhere in those cracks, what looks like cracks in the rock, is their claws. They're anywhere between two foot to six or seven foot. Double jointed, nasty, serrated, sharp as hell. Did I mention hard? I saw a guy fire off a high energy tungsten round, and it destroyed the thing. Shredded it like paper. No, no, not the round, the crab. BUT HOLD ON! He was recording the whole thing on his fancy shmancy alumicrystal recorder and we watched it at quarter speed, and then he had to reduce it to one tenth, and even that wasn't slow enough. Fuckin' guy took forever, rewinding too far, speeding past, but when he finally found the spot, we saw what happened.

Right before the round hit, the Bullet Crab snapped one of it's claws out, and split the round right down the middle, tip to tail. Didn't stop it though. Both pieces went high and low, and tore that mother to pieces. God I love tungsten coated rounds... Maybe, if enough people take this shit seriously, I'll be able to afford a couple myself. Whadda ya say? Do a dude a favor? Huh?

Okay, okay, I'm not trying to press you up. Umm, what else can I tell you... Oh! Okay... well, you know what I said about their shells being hard? Well, they are, but it's not like you're going to find a bunch of empty shells all over the Wasteland. The fucking things eat them. Yeah. I saw one munching on half a shell filled with whatever was left of the dead one. I think, well, you know I wouldn't put anything past anyone these days, but I think... if they can't find food, they probably just attack each other and then chow down. Their claws are harder than their shells so... I guess their teeth are too.

Now, if you decide you're stupid enough you wanna go out hunting Bullet Crab for dinner, here's some advice for you. Don't. HA! Okay, but, I know how it is. Food is food. If you see twenty foot of crab a hundred feet away, you're gonna be thinking about filling your stomach for weeks and not too much about surviving. So remember this, and maybe you'll live to taste some of that crab.

1. Bring a team. Ten bodies should do. You might lose a couple so don't worry about not having enough for you and yours, unless you're one of the bodies that gets the loose change. You'll want at least three bodies, and go in groups of three if you can.
2. Approach in a triangle. Three ways. Any of you stupids out there thinking it's wise to fire rounds at a target between yourselves, probably already experienced the joy of being shot by not-so-friendly fire. Didn't your sister ever tell you, "don't point that thing at me!" Same thing, different gun. Come at it from three sides, make sure nobody is in your line of fire, and you'll be fine.
3. Use tungsten coated rounds. Teflon coated rounds will not work. They just bounce. Skip right off the shell. You want sharp tips, you want tungsten coated, or, if you got the connections, you know, an engineer who knows what the fuck he's doing, have him make you some solid steel tungsten coated rounds. Remember. You're gonna be eating this fucking thing. No poison, acid, or depleted whatever. Freaking skippy.
4. You wanna aim, just above the legs for a variety of reasons. First off, any shots that don't penetrate will get deflected down, and shred those little leggies of theirs. Immobilization. It won't be crawling off to hide in a cave or a hidey hole, so you can take your time aiming real good if the legs get shredded. Secondly, this is where a lot of the inner organs are at. Yeah, some of that shit tastes good, but you want the flesh. The fat and the muscle is the real prize. Plus, you gotta kill the fucking thing.
5. The brain is in there somewhere. I don't know that these fucking things have eyes, or a nose, or ears. The mouth is somewhere under the shell. I know that much. Don't over think this shit. Fire a couple armor piercing rounds into the lower half, see if the legs stop twitching. If they do, it the thing goes completely stiff... wait.
6. You'd think something that big, wouldn't need a "defense mechanism"... That's like an auto-turret for all you Wasties who refuse to educate yourself. So, if the legs stop moving, and it goes all stiff on you, it's still alive. I watched some stupids one time, ran right up thinking the crab was dead, and they all lost their heads in a split second. Fucking funny. Looked like one of those rag doll shows where the master just cuts the strings at the end. Anyways, these things aren't dead until they go LIMP. Limp means limp. And even then, wait a couple clicks. Fifteen maybe. Then you can go check it out.

Hey, nice job on those numbers. That was pretty cool.

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Oh, not talking now? Alright, alright. I... I'm sorry about being short with you... earlier.

You know what... Okay. Maybe you got some info these people might wanna hear about. Let's have it then. Go ahead.

The Bullet Crab, better known as Alpheus Giganticus, is a terrestrial Arthropod. A crustacean. Family; Alpheidae.

Okay, get past all that shit. None of that matters. Just give us the good stuff. Anything useful.

The Giant Bullet Crab is the only known land animal, other than human beings and all subsets of such, that can break the speed of sound.

What the fuck are you talking about? Bullet Crabs are slow as fuck. What? If we load one up and shoot it out of a cannon?

The Giant Bullet Crab is hatched from an egg, which looks identical to its carapace, at approximately 30 centimeters long. Once hatched, the crabs grow quickly, consuming microscopic organisms sifted from the sand between rocks and large boulders. Once they attain a size roughly double their hatching size, they molt, losing their soft rubber like shell which is replaced with a harder version with visible plate terminations. The juvenile Giant Bullet Crab is distinguished by a bright blue carapace. After the first molt, the carapace appears dark blue. Once the crab attains a larger state, approximately 120 centimeters, it molts once more and obtains sexual organs through-

Okay, okay, don't tell them about the crab having sex. Jesus fucking crispy. Just... get on with the good stuff.

Affirmative. The Giant Bullet Crab is known for its disproportionately large claws spanning three quarters the width of the crab's carapace. The number of claws can vary from one to six, and can be on any side of the carapace, including the top. Claws retract into grooves in the carapace that appear as cracks in the crabs shell.

I already covered that part.

Unlike most crabs, the Giant Bullet Crab does not have pincers or typical "grasping claws" at the end of it's appendages. Instead, the crab has appendages consisting of a double jointed constant tension system and sword like appendages which are smooth on the backside, mimicking the outer rock or boulder texture, and serrated on the forward side. The double jointed appendage allows the crab to release, and throw forward, the sword like claw at a speed exceeding six hundred meters per second.

Holy shit!

The Giant Bullet crab is thought to have reflexes that border on premoniscience. In recorded experiments, Giant Bullet Crabs became agitated before researchers arrived to conduct the testing. In the experiment, many crabs began their offensive thrusts to attack target decoys, before decoys were launched.

So they're fucking fortune tellers?

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Sorry. Go on.

At full extension, the Giant Bullet Crabs claws break the speed of sound, which can be heard as an audible swish, followed by a loud clap, which may disorientate the prey, allowing the crab to consume the host while it is still alive.

That's... That's fucking balls! What if the crab misses?

They don't miss.

What do you mean, "they don't miss." Everyone misses.

The Giant Bullet Crab does not miss its target. Hitting its target is the only thing that slows the crab's claws enough to prevent catastrophic detachment. In over six thousand certified experiments, at no time was a "miss" or unintentional detachment recorded.

Unintentional? What would be intentional detachment?

In multiple experiments, researchers slowly covered the crab in a variety of adhesives to measure if they could interfere with the crab's speed or accuracy. Those experiments failed, however, when trying to remove the adhesive, the claws and appendages were accidentally removed in the process.

So... they can throw, but they can't catch? No. Sorry that didn't make sense. So... their claws just come off? Easy?

It takes minimal effort to detach a Giant Bullet Crab claw.

How much effort?

Approximately 400 foot pounds.

OH! Only FOUR HUNDRED FOOT POUNDS huh? Wow. Super good info there S20! So glad you told us all about that. Anything else? Or should I just recommend they nuke the damn things?

That would have an adverse aff-

Stop. Just stop. Okay. I'm done talking about Bullet Crabs. What's next? When do we get to Bullbears? Razzies? Jet Indigos?

Now we're talking.

Both of you, stop it. Okay, cut this off. Let's do another real quick before the scorch. Looks like it's gonna be a fucking sizzler. Uggghh. Fucking Crispy. What's our water reserves at?

Half a day.

Yeah, by your standards, which means... three days in my books.

You are already suffering adverse affects of dehydration.

I've always got the shits. Part of living. Don't bother me with that shit. Hey... What... are you still recording? I told you to shut that shit o-