UNLONELY CLOWN

The boy, Antonio, was known as Lonely Clown.

His Grindr profile reminded me of how mine had been written over the past several months. “Sick of all these trashy, toxic people,” that’s what his said; mine would also add in “flaky” as well.

We instantly clicked over these minor nuances.

He sent me one face picture early on, and never sent me anything naughty. I only had one picture of Mr. Lonely Clown, in the LGBTQ world this is considered a blind date still because I had no clue what he was trying to hide or surprise me with.

I sent him one face picture in return and perhaps some sexual innuendo photos, I love to be a big tease.

I asked him what he was looking for and why he was still single.

At this point in my life, I have hit a barrier where I can’t seem to meet quality boys or men for dating. I can get sex all day, all night - or I can go on monthlong dry spells. So I do my best to address my needs and wants early on, so I know how to proceed, I bring up the big forbidden "R" word very early on - and for good reason too. You miss 100% of the chances you don't take, and in my experience, the right boy would be willing to delete his app for me after just one date, as I would be willing to do the same for the right boy, or girl, if we're talking in terms of preferred pronouns and not actual genitals.

In the LGBTQ world, in mine anyhow, it’s rather hard to find boys who want to date or fall in love, they all want random, unsafe, unprotected sex, sometimes in exchange for money, drugs and just living accommodations. Boys still consider themselves to be straight regardless of the kind of sex they partake in; being straight or gay is a matter of the bravery or cowardice you face if you ask me.

At this point, with Mr. Antonio, aka, the Lonely Clown, we are on a level where we are chatting, talking, advising, and flirting, with a fuckbuddy or friends-with-benefits type of situation at hand, with the option for romance. He told me all about his life. His past. His present.

The more we spoke in the coming days and weeks, the more I found myself longing to be a part of this Lonely Clown's life.

It took him a week or two before being able to finally make it to my apartment under the agreement that we would cuddle, make-out and see where things go, within certain limits. When boys tell me they don't want to do anything anally I tend to trust their judgement. I don't mind some minor 'bleeding' if the passion takes us there anyhow, but I do not like crossing thresholds which were agreed to in advance. It's not my style. Once you tell me that "that" kind of sex is off limits, I toe the line, but respect the boundary.

I knew immediately this boy was going to have me falling for him in no time, and I could sense a bit of wonder in his eyes. Between his sensations and his intimate conversation he made me feel as if my romantic feelings were mutual.

I tried to remain chill. Relaxed. Calm.

I'd scared off enough boys with too much conversation so I tried to keep it brief and focused on the cuddles and kisses.

We made it to the bedroom and mirrored each other until we were naked, cuddled up like a pretzel, under the thick downy blanket.

The way this boy nestled into my arms.

The way this boy kissed me on my lips.

The way this boy paid for his own Lyft to my apartment.

The way this boy talked to me about his future.

The way this boy showed me videos from his past.

The way this boy did everything from the moment he entered my life.

He was supposed to leave 30 minutes ago.

He continues showing me pictures from his phone.

He was supposed to leave 45 minutes ago now.

All we’ve done is cuddle and make out.

I’m gentle because he’s new to my bedroom, and I’m firm because he likes it that way, his body language and moans tell me I must be doing something right.

He crosses one of my boundaries of something I asked him to not cross.

He begged me to cross over into his boundaries, but once I did he quickly changed his mind.

He was supposed to leave 60 minutes ago.

He enjoyed it, but he didn’t enjoy it. Do I keep going? No.

We agreed early on where the lines were drawn.

He wanted me to continue, but he needed me to stop.

He was supposed to leave 90 minutes ago now.

The Lonely Clown tells me about his life, his dreams, his hopes, his ambitions, his life. His abusive father who wants to send him to another country for schooling.

He was supposed to leave 2 hours ago now.

We talk relationships of the past, goals for the future.

He tells me about a younger boy he is in love with, it could be an attempt to make me switch topics, it could be advice he seeks.

He was supposed to leave over 2 hours ago now.

I tell him the best life advice for him. Regardless of how it moves me out of the running - I'd rather have a happy boy in the distance than a boy who throws away all of his own dreams for me. Believe me, I'm not worth it in any way.

His cuddles were amazing and his kisses I could experience for every moment until I take final breath. I wished he could spend the night - and when he left my apartment it felt like he was going to be back. He made the impression that he would be back.

In the following day our conversation about relationships had him growing more distant, it could have been that I scared him off and never should have taken the discussion towards relationships and the future…in which case I could have had one of the cutest boys I’d ever been with cuddling with me more than just once.

Another day or so passes and I apologize again to the Lonely Clown, or reiterate my ability to just be a fuckbuddy or friend-with-benefits.

It’s truly sad, but Antonio then told me he asked another boy to be his boyfriend.

This was a boy we discussed when we were cuddling naked in my bed.

The boy was too young for him, and they weren’t ready to have a relationship.

I guess the timing of my entry into the beautify soul the Lonely Clown helped awaken him in a way that made him decide a relationship, with the one he wanted most, was a better path to go down rather than giving this fat, white, old, Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man a shot.

I don’t know if it was something I messed up with my words, or if I turned him off with my fatness.

I doubt he didn’t like my kisses, but I’m sure he hated how timid I was. I’m sure he wanted me to go way further than I did, but I don’t cross boundaries that were predefined. Even when I’m inebriated I do my best to follow all the rules, laws and boundaries.

I wished him a Merry Christmas.

He ignored me.

Why didn’t he just block me?

Why is he keeping me around at all?

Merry-Fucking-Christmas you Unlonely Sexy Lil Clown!

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