The Lesbian Factor

I will be using the term "straight men" as I write this piece, so before I get any backlash, let me just say, I know—hashtag not all straight men. And technically, I probably shouldn't just be saying "straight men." I should be clarifying that I'm referring more generally to cisgender straight men, or more specifically, probably those who would identify as allocishet.

All of this really isn't that important because lesbians (and probably bisexual women) will recognize exactly which straight men I'm talking about as soon as I get to the meat of the matter. I'm talking, of course, about the men who absolutely cannot keep their shit together once they find out you have sex with other women.

I would imagine any woman who has ever had sex with another woman—even if it was just that one drunken sorority weekend experience, will get the same reaction if she reveals that fact to this variety of straight guys.

He may seem completely normal. Funny. Charming, even. You could be having a pleasant and interesting conversation. But as soon as that switch is flipped...

Him: So, do you have a boyfriend?

You: No, I'm a lesbian.

... All bets are off and the slow slide to Skeezeville begins. All semblance of cool vacates his persona. He tries to couch his pervy queries as flirtation, but it's disturbingly obvious that you're now simply providing fodder for his spank bank.

You try to steer the conversation in other directions, but he persistently grabs the wheel and re-directs all talk back to you and your sexual history. When did you "turn" gay? When was the first time you... you know... with another woman? Do you like to be the man or the woman? And let's not forget the self-invitation to perhaps be allowed to watch sometime.

All totally natural, non-intrusive things anyone would feel comfortable saying to a near perfect stranger.

For the life of me, I can't figure these guys out or what makes them behave this way. I can't imagine them sidling up to a heterosexual couple at a bar and suggesting that they be allowed to watch them have sex. Are these the same kinds of questions they'd ask straight women on first dates? I'm guessing they'd probably try to show a little restraint, if only for appearance sake.

So what is it that gives them the mental green light to grill lesbians in such a manner? The only explanation I can come up with is porn. Since girl-on-girl porn is made for male pleasure, they must make some neurological connection that real lesbians also exist for their entertainment. As though we're not real people, we're simply actresses in-between takes who are happy to provide them with boner material.

If you're reading this and thinking you're not one of the straight men I'm referring to, ask yourself this: have you ever said any of these things to a lesbian?

• Can I watch?
• I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body.
• You just haven't had the right man.
• You're too pretty to be a lesbian.
• I can eat pussy better than a woman.
• Are you sure?
• Why do you hate men?
• When did you decide to be gay?

If the answer is "yes," then you're one of those guys. You're creepy. Do you want to be creepy? Then stop being creepy! If a woman tells you she's a lesbian, or bisexual, or kissed another girl at summer camp, simply say, "Oh." Or "That's nice." Or "I had no idea." The best rule of thumb is, don't ask her anything that you wouldn't ask your mother. And if you wouldn't ask mom about her pussy-eating habits, then, please, don't ask me, either.