The Accident

I called Lara that night after I'd put the kids to bed. "Hey, girlfriend!" she exclaimed. "How the heck have you been? It's been ages, hasn't it?"

"Ages and ages," I agreed. "How's it going with Cole?"

"It's going great with Cole!" She giggled. "I slept with him for the first time just a couple of weeks ago."

"Oh, did you?" No wonder I hadn't heard from her in so long! I felt a surge of envy course through me.

"He'd taken me to dinner and a movie, and when we got back to my place, I invited him in for a couple of drinks," she told me. "We were sitting on the sofa listening to a Boyz II Men CD and making out. One thing led to another, and before I knew it, all our clothes were off and we were in my bed."

"You did use protection, didn't you?"

"Of course we did, silly! What do you think?" She giggled. "So, how are things going with Alexei?"

"All right. He went hunting with my Dad and Aidan last weekend. Aidan killed a deer, and my Mom cooked it for dinner. He took me ice skating this morning."

"So have you...you know..."

"Not yet. We want to wait until the time is just right." A vision of Olivia mouthing the word 'yes' to me in the hospital cafeteria sprang to mind, and I desperately tried to squash it.

"Well, don't wait too long. You don't want to lose him."

"He's the one who keeps putting it off. He got burned the last time, so he's scared."

"Are you sure that isn't just an excuse?" she asked softly.

I thought of Alexei's idea about double dating with her and Cole but decided that I wasn't in the mood for it now. She'd planted some serious doubts in my mind, doubts that I couldn't just casually dismiss.

I had to work the following day. I'd been on shift for less than an hour when a critically injured young man was brought into the emergency room. He couldn't have been older than twenty-five at the very most. I was still quite shaken about it when I met Alexei for lunch that day. He could tell right away that I was upset about something.

"What's wrong, Addison?" he asked anxiously.

"They brought in this guy with a broken neck this morning," I told him. "He probably won't make it, but if he does, he'll be paralyzed from the neck down for the rest of his life. One of the emergency room techs knows him. He said the guy was supposed to get married in just three days."

Alexei frowned. "Gosh, that's awfully sad."

"His fiancee must be devastated," I remarked.

"I'm sure she is." Alexei looked thoughtful. "My grandparents were married for sixty years," he told me. "Sixty years. That's a long time. My grandfather died in bed at home. He asked my grandmother to fetch a glass of water for him, and when she came back, he was gone."

"So they didn't really get to say good-bye."

"They both knew it was the end. They'd already said everything they needed to say to each other, so there was no unfinished business."

We ate in silence for awhile. "It would be wonderful to have a love that lasted a lifetime like that," I finally said.

"You never talk about him," Alexei remarked.

"About whom?"

"Your husband who died."

"I never talk about him because it's just too painful a subject for me. Things were good for maybe about six months. Then I started finding empty beer cans everywhere, in the car, in the trash. I confronted him about it, and he told me it was none of my damn business how much he drank."

"Then came the night I had to work late because another one of the nurses called in sick. He accused me of being with another man and pulled my hair and slapped me across the face."

"My God, Addison! Why didn't you leave him?"

"The next day, after he'd sobered up, he cried and told me how sorry he was and promised me that it would never happen again, and I believed him."

"And did it ever happen again?"

I nodded.

Alexei cupped my face in his hands and gazed earnestly into my eyes. "I swear to you, Addison, I would never lay a finger on you."

On the next day we had off together, I never heard from him. I tried calling him and got his answering machine. I debated whether or not to leave a message but didn't want to seem desperate. I spent the day with the kids and forgot about it until he called me later that evening.

"Did you call earlier?" he asked.

"Yeah," I admitted, deciding after a moment's hesitation not to lie about it.

"Is everything OK?"

"Everything's fine. I just wanted to ask you...um, I was just thinking that maybe we could do something together, or something."

"Oh, um, well, I spent the day hanging out with Aidan and Liam and Topher. I just now got in and saw that I had a message."

So he'd decided he'd rather spend the day with my brother and his friends than with me. Anger flared up inside me, but I swallowed it. "Well, did you have a nice time?"

"Yeah, it was great to see them all again. We did some target practice, and later on we played pool. Did you have a nice day?"

"Yeah, it was all right. I just hung out with the kids." We missed you, I wanted to add.

"That's nice," he told me. "Well, I'll see you Thanksgiving. I'll pick you and the kids up at around eleven, okay?"

"That's fine," I said.

"Bye, Addison. I love you."

I didn't feel like saying it back to him.

On Thanksgiving he arrived at five after eleven to pick me and the kids up and take us to my parents' house. Montana and Nevada were thrilled to see him again, as always.

While we were eating dinner, Alexei regaled my family with stories about growing up in Russia, about all the things he and his father had done together when he was a child.

"It sounds like you were very close to your father," Mom observed.

"I still am," he told her. "We write to each other all the time."

"I used to have a Daddy, but he died," Montana put in. "Are you gonna be my new Daddy, Alexei?"

"Montana!" I exclaimed. What if he'd just blown my chances with Alexei?

"Maybe." Alexei grinned. "You never know what might happen in the future."

After dinner, I got both kids settled for a nap, and then Alexei asked me if I wanted to take a walk. "I'm sorry about Montana," I told him.

"What do you mean?"

"You know. What he asked you."

He laughed. "That's all right! He's just a little boy." He turned serious. "I didn't want to say anything in front of your parents right away," he told me. "But the Bolshoi Ballet is performing in New York next month, and I'd love it if you'd go with me."

"Wow!" My eyes widened in delight. "I'd love to!"

"Great. We fly out of here the evening before, spend the night in a motel, then have the whole day to see the sights in New York before the first performance. It lasts twelve days, and we fly home the morning after the last show."

I was so happy that I jumped up and down and squealed.

"Um...you don't think there will be a problem with your parents being willing to babysit, do you?" His question brought me right back down to reality. In the year since Jeff's death, I'd never asked my parents to keep my kids for me to go out of town with a man. What would they say? Would Mom condemn me for having loose morals?

Hey, that's right...if Alexei and I spent two weeks in New York together, that would mean staying in a motel room with him every night. Did his invitation imply that he was finally ready to take our relationship to a physical level? I hoped so!

"I hope not," I told him. I knew I'd have to choose just the right time to ask them.

"We could ask them together, if you think that would be better," he offered.

"Let's ask them right now," I suggested. Hand in hand, we returned to my parents' home.

"Mom, Dad," I began when I saw them. "I have kind of a big favor to ask of you."

They sat silently, waiting for me to continue. "Alexei has invited me to go to New York to watch the Bolshoi Ballet perform. The show lasts two weeks. We were wondering if you'd be able to watch the kids while we're gone."

To my immense relief, Mom didn't seem horrified or outraged. "Are you sure you really want to do this?" she asked.

"I really want to go, Mom. I haven't done anything like this since Jeff died. I'll give you some money to help with the kids' expenses, if you want."

"I'm not worried about that, but Nevada's so little. Do you think she'll be all right, being away from you for that long?"

"She loves you and Dad, Mom. I wouldn't leave her at all if I didn't know she was gonna be left in good hands."

"You take good care of my daughter," Dad said gruffly to Alexei. "Don't you dare let anything happen to her. Ya hear?"

"I promise you, I will protect her with my life," Alexei swore.

We stayed at my parents' house until late like we usually did, and then Alexei drove us home. "Goodbye, Addison," he said, squeezing my hand. "I'll see you real soon."

I was surprised to hear from Lara several days later. "Hey, girl!" she exclaimed. "Cole's Alma mater has a basketball game this Friday night, and we were wondering whether you and Alexei would like to come along."

"Sounds great!" I replied. "I've been thinking the four of us should all do something together for a long time now. I'll ask Alexei if he's off that night."

Right after I got off the telephone with Lara, I called Alexei and got his machine. "Hey, I just wanted to let you know that Cole and Lara have invited us to go to a basketball game with them Friday night, if you're off then. Please let me know if you are."

The next day, I was on my way to the cafeteria when I felt Alexei hug me before I saw him. "Hey, babe!" he exclaimed. "I'd love to go to that basketball game with you."

"So you're off that night?"

"I sure am!"

I got my parents to watch Montana and Nevada, and Alexei and I waited together at my place for Cole and Lara to pick us up. Little did I know at the time how often I'd look back on that night in regret.

I opened my eyes and didn't know where I was at first, until the antiseptic smell told me that I was in the hospital. But why would I be lying flat on my back in a bed here? The last thing I remembered was getting into Cole's car with Alexei.

I glanced to the side, where I saw that my mother was sitting beside my bed. She came alive when she saw that I was looking at her. "Darling! You're awake!"

"What...what happened, Mom?"

"You were in an accident," she told me. "A semi pulled out in front of the car, and Cole didn't have time to stop. You're going to be all right, dear. They told me that they couldn't find any brain damage or serious internal injuries."

"Oh my God! What about Alexei? Is he all right?"

"He's fine, sweetie, and so are the others. They all just got some bruises and scratches. Nobody else got knocked unconscious."

"Is that all that's wrong with me? I just got knocked unconscious?"

"Like I told you, Addison, they haven't found any serious damage. Now that you're awake, I'm sure they'll let you go home soon." Mom looked as if she might cry. "Oh, sweetheart, I was so worried about you!"

"Where are Montana and Nevada?"

"They're with Matt and Patty."

My co-worker, Josie, arrived a few minutes later. "Oh, good! You're awake!" she said with a smile. "How do you feel?"

"Like I've just been run over by a train," I answered truthfully. I felt as if all the energy had been zapped right out of me.

"Aw, I'm sorry!" Josie did something to my IV and then produced a thermometer, which she stuck in my mouth. "Well, at least your temperature's normal," she announced a moment later. "When did Addison wake up?" she asked Mom.

"About fifteen minutes ago," Mom replied.

"Well, welcome back to the land of the living, Addison," Josie said cheerfully.

I scowled. "How much longer do I have to stay here?"

"Just until the doctor says you can go home." She patted my foot. "Don't worry. It won't be that long."

That's funny, I thought. I saw her pat my foot, but I didn't feel anything at all. I tried to move first one foot, then the other, and discovered to my horror that I wasn't able to move either leg at all.

"Your spinal cord has been compressed," Dr. Bailey, the neurologist, told me. "The swelling is pressing on the nerves that control the lower half of your body. It's too soon to tell whether or not the paralysis will be permanent. You may eventually make a partial or even complete recovery. Right now, the important thing is to make the most of the abilities you still have and learn to compensate for those you've lost."

I was absolutely devastated. I'd always prided myself on my independence, my ability to care for myself and my children on my own, and now that had been taken away from me in the blink of an eye.

"But what about nursing?" Near tears, I could hear the panic in my voice. "I worked hard to get where I am now!"

"You may well recover sufficiently to eventually resume your occupational duties," Dr. Bailey replied. "But if not, there are agencies that help you train for a new one."

"But I don't want to do another job! I want to be a nurse!" I began to sob. "What about Montana and Nevada?"

"With support, you should have no problem caring for your children as before. Many paraplegics are successful, happy parents."

Paraplegics. I'd cared for them many times, changing their catheters, bandaging their bed sores, giving them sponge baths. I'd always had deep pity for them, considering them to be amongst the world's most unfortunate souls. Never in my wildest dreams had I ever suspected that I might one day be one of them myself, and yet now I was.

After Dr. Bailey had left, I cried myself to sleep. When I awakened, the memory of what the physician had told me slammed into me once again, sending me spiraling into a deep depression.

"Can I get you anything, honey?" Mom asked.

"Maybe just a drink of water," I replied. She handed me a Styrofoam cup of ice water, and I eagerly gulped it down.

"Alexei's been asking to see you ever since you woke up," she told me. "Can I tell him he can come in?"

Alexei. What would he think of me now? Surely he wouldn't want to be with a cripple, would he? Should I give him his freedom so that he could find someone else who was still healthy and whole? I couldn't bear the thought of losing him, but neither could I bear the thought of him staying with me out of duty or obligation and becoming bitter and resentful down the road.

"Send him in," I said. Might as well get it over with now, I told myself.

I'll never forget the look on Alexei's face for as long as I live. Never before had I ever seen anyone looking so woebegone. It reminded me of the way Jeff's mother had looked at his funeral.

"Addison," he said at last. "I'm so sorry."

"So am I," I said.

"I wish it had been me instead."

"No, you don't."

"I love you, Addison. Don't you believe me?"

"Maybe you love me now, but what if I never get any better? What if I'm paralyzed from the waist down for the rest of my life?"

"I'll always love you, Addison. No matter what."

"Do you really think you'll be happy with a cripple? We could never go skating, horseback or bicycle riding, or dancing together again. Everywhere we went, you'd have to push me in my wheelchair. It wouldn't be fair to you, Alexei, and eventually you'd resent me."

"I could never resent you, Addison. It's gonna be all right. Please believe me. No matter what happens, we'll work something out. You and me. Together."

He came to me and held me for the first time since the accident. His arms around me felt so comforting, so reassuring. For the first time since discovering that I couldn't move my legs, I felt that I actually had hope.

Just then I thought of something. Would Alexei and I ever make love now? What would sex as a paraplegic be like? I wouldn't be able to move or to feel anything at all. Alexei would have to do everything himself while I lay motionless and unresponsive beneath him. How could either of us derive any satisfaction at all from that? How could it possibly bring us closer?

Lara and Cole came to visit later, stayed for a few minutes of awkward conversation, and left. Aidan came by and brought me a teddy bear. "Now you won't be lonesome at night," he told me.

"Thank you," I said.

Later, I spent a mostly sleepless night cuddling my teddy bear and thinking about Alexei, wondering whether I could ever be the woman he deserved.

"Time for physical therapy." I just stared at the wheelchair that had been brought to my bedside. Nobody had told me this was going to happen.

"Somebody's gonna have to help me into that." I eyed the wheelchair suspiciously. "I can't get into it on my own."

"You can and you will." The physical therapist's voice was pleasant but firm. "Learning to get into a wheelchair on your own is your first step toward independence."

"But I'll fall!" Although the wheelchair was right beside the bed and the side rails were down, to me it seemed miles away.

"No you won't," the physical therapist assured me. "I'm right here. If you start to fall, I'll catch you."

I could tell that there was no point in arguing, but I was still afraid. To raise your butt into the air with your hands without being able to feel it is very scary. I took a few seconds to gather my courage, then slowly lifted myself and scooted onto the wheelchair.

"You did it!" the physical therapist praised me. "See! That wasn't so bad, was it?"

I scowled, irritated by his condescending tone. He rolled me down the hall for a morning's worth of grueling shoulder and upper arm exercises. I was totally exhausted by the time we were finished.

When I returned to my hospital room, I was so tired that I fell asleep and slept for most of the day. When I awakened, I saw that Alexei was sitting beside my bed, smiling and holding a bouquet of flowers. "I'm so glad to see you!" I exclaimed.

His smile widened as he held the flowers out to me. "These are for you."

"They're lovely! Thank you!" Mom helped me find a vase for the flowers.

"So, how has your day been?" asked Alexei.

"Hard! They have me doing all these grueling exercises to build up my arm muscles. My arms feel like they're about to fall right off!"

"Aw..." He pulled a fake frown.

"How was your day?" I asked him.

"Boring! I couldn't wait to get off work so that I could come see you."

The next couple of weeks were filled with examinations, more highly intense physical therapy sessions, and visits from family and friends. Alexei came to see me faithfully every single day, staying for several hours at a time and filling me in on events in his personal life as well as the general goings-on at the hospital.

"I told my family back in Russia about you," he told me one day. "They all send you their best." They sent presents as well, beautiful postcards with scenes of snow-covered ancient architectural structures with magnificent onion-shaped spires, colorful scarves and shawls, quaint objects such as thimbles, key chains, can openers, writing utensils, and tiny dolls.

"This is really beginning to look like an international room," an elderly nurse whom I didn't know very well commented.

At last the day came that the neurologists and physical therapists finally decided that I was ready to go home. Mom came to stay with me for a couple of weeks to help me get used to being on my own in a wheelchair and, joy of joys, Matt and Patty were bringing Montana and Nevada home to stay as well.

My home still looked much the same as it had the last time I'd seen it, which now seemed like a million years ago, except that of course my parents had rearranged some things to make them more accessible to me now. In my wheelchair I moved from room to room, getting used to maneuvering around with my new limitations. Alexei took the day off work so that he could help as much as possible. I heard the doorbell ring and knew that my children were home.

"Montana! Nevada!" I gathered them both into my arms and hugged them fiercely. "I haven't seen you guys in so long!"

"Why are you in this chair, Mommy?" asked Montana.

"My legs don't work right now, so I have to use the chair to get around," I told my son.

"Why don't your legs work?"

"My back got hurt in the car crash, and that damaged the nerves that control my legs. That's why they don't work anymore."

"Are they ever gonna work again, Mommy?"

"I don't know, sweetie." For the first time since I'd awakened in the hospital, I burst into tears.

With lots of help from my parents, I adjusted to being back at home quickly. Alexei still either came by in person or called every day. "I suppose the trip to New York will have to be postponed now," he said softly one day.

The Bolshoi Ballet! With everything that had happened, I'd completely forgotten about it. "When were we supposed to leave?"

"In two more days."

"I was so looking forward to that!" I exclaimed.

"So was I." He sighed. "I wonder if there's a way we could still go, after all," he said thoughtfully a moment later.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, if you can make it around your home and neighborhood all right, why not New York City? I know you'd need some assistance, but I'm sure I'll be able to handle things just fine."

I gasped. "But Alexei, that will be so much trouble for you!"

"I don't mind. You're worth it."

"Oh, Alexei..." I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. "You'd really do that...for me?"

"Of course I would! I'd do anything for you, Addison. I love you!"

Alexei spent the next couple of days getting more familiar with what it would be like to be with me 24/7, and after making arrangements for the children to stay with my parents, we packed our bags and left for the airport. We went through customs and then boarded the airplane.

Sitting in a regular airplane seat beside the man I loved, I felt normal for the first time since my accident. I held his hand as we soared into the air.

"Two whole weeks with the woman I love," he murmured. "You'll never know how long I've looked forward to this."

"So have I," I told him. "I've felt like a patient for so long. It'll be nice to feel like a woman again."

He gave me a quick hug. "After everything you've been through, you deserve nothing but the best, and I intend to give it to you."

At last the airplane landed, and I was in New York City for the very first time in my life. I gazed about in awe at the skyscrapers, the busy streets, the crowds. I felt as if I were in a whole new world.

It took Alexei awhile to find a taxi service that was wheelchair accessible, but he finally did, and we and our luggage were off to the motel.

Our room was modest but very nice. By the time we were settled, it was lunchtime. "So, where would you like to go?" Alexei asked me.

"Gosh, I don't know!" I replied. "There's just so much to choose from..."

He took me to a deli, where we ate Reuben sandwiches and drank something called a Manhattan Special, which was like a carbonated coffee. "It's delicious!" I exclaimed.

"So, do you like New York City so far?" he asked me.

"I love it!"

I saw that his eyes were twinkling. "This is just the beginning," he told me.

After lunch we took a taxi to Central Park, where Alexei pushed me down a broad walkway lined by trees with overhanging branches that were laced together. On a large, vibrantly green lawn, we saw people relaxing on quilts spread on the ground. How I longed to join them! Beyond the trees, we could see the tops of the tall buildings in the distance. He took me to the zoo, to Strawberry Fields, and to the Swedish Cottage Marionette Theater, and by the time we'd seen all of that, it was time to go back to the motel to get ready for the first night of the Bolshoi Ballet.

I'd never been inside an arena as vast as that of the Lincoln Center For The Performing Arts. Row upon row of seats lined the interior, all facing the curtains. A large orb hung from the top of the ceiling. Alexei found our seats, and we waited for the program to start.

At last the curtains opened, and the performance began. I watched, mesmerized, as the ballerinas in their white tutus swept gracefully across the stage, moving together as one. Later, a man dressed in red picked one dancer up and lifted her high into the air, to the delight of the audience. Watching the dancers, I found myself transported into another world. All too soon it was over, and time to return to the motel for the night.

Suddenly jarred back to reality, I realized that I was alone in a motel room with Alexei at night for the very first time. Everything was perfectly quiet as we looked at one another, knowing that the most awkward moment of our vacation was now upon us.

At last Alexei sighed and rolled me to the bathroom, where he began to run the bath. I was able to remove my shirt and bra by myself, of course, but Alexei had to help me with my pants and panties. He blushed furiously as he did so, trying desperately not to look at my bare breasts.

When I was completely naked, he gently lowered me into the bathtub, then handed me a washcloth and a bar of soap. "Call me when you're finished," he mumbled.

He dashed quickly out of the bathroom, trying but failing to keep me from seeing the bulge in the front of his pants. I felt so bad about that that I began to cry softly as soon as he'd left, and the water was already tepid by the time I was calm enough to start bathing.

I was about halfway finished when I heard Alexei knock on the door. "Addison? Are you all right in there?"

"I'm f-fine," I stammered. "Just give me a few more minutes."

"Oh, I'm sorry!" He sounded embarrassed. "I didn't mean to rush you!"

"That's OK," I said.

When I was finished, he lifted me from the tub and helped me to towel off and put on clean panties and a nightgown. It wasn't quite as awkward as the first time he'd seen me naked, but we were both still far from comfortable with the situation.

As soon as I was fully dressed and back in my wheelchair, Alexei finally took a good look at my face and frowned in concern. "Addison! Have you been crying?"

"N-no," I lied. "I'm just...really tired, that's all."

"Of course. It's been a long day, hasn't it?" He rolled me to the double bed we'd be sharing and helped me into it, then headed for the bathroom himself.

I heard the water running as he took his shower, and a few minutes later, he entered the bedroom in his pajamas. "Um...are you all right?" he asked awkwardly.

"Yeah, I guess so. Are you?"

"Yeah. Ready for lights out, then?"

"I suppose so."

He turned the lamp off and joined me in bed. A moment later, I felt his arms cradling me, pulling me close. I stiffened for just a moment, then gradually relaxed into his embrace.

He placed a soft kiss on my forehead. "Good night, Addison," he whispered. "I love you."

"I love you too. Good night." I lay wide awake in the dark, thinking of what needed to be said and wondering how best to word it. "Actually, I'm not all right," I mumbled after a few minutes.

Instantly Alexei was alarmed. "What's wrong, Addison?"

"Well..before my accident, I was really hoping that...well, that perhaps we'd have the chance to make love for the first time here in New York."

He was quiet for a long time.

"Alexei?" I asked after awhile, afraid that I'd just said the wrong thing.

"Yeah," he mumbled sheepishly. "To be honest, I'd kind of hoped the same thing as well, but that's all right. We're here together, and that's all that matters."

"But what about when we go back home? What if I never get any better? What if I'm like this for the rest of my life?"

"We'll just take it as it comes, sweetie, one day at a time. However it goes, I'm sure there are ways around it. People with all kinds of disabilities still have sex lives. We'll just have to learn how, that's all."

Something else occurred to me, something that I tried desperately to push to the back of my mind but couldn't. "You can still feel sexual pleasure," I told Alexei. "Would you like for me to...you know..."

"That's up to you," he replied. "I wouldn't object to it, but it would have to be completely your choice. I'd certainly never pressure you to."

"But would you be disappointed if I didn't?"

"Of course not! What kind of man would that make me? Tracy, I don't want you to feel like you 'owe' me anything just because I'm spending a lot of money on our vacation. I brought you to New York because I wanted to have a nice vacation with you, not because I wanted something in return. You understand that, don't you?"

"Thank you so much, Alexei. You don't know how much it means to me to hear you say that."

"Aw, you don't have to thank me for that!" He squeezed me tight and kissed the top of my head. "Go to sleep now. We have a big day ahead of us tomorrow."