I feel like we’re at the threshold of a new sex age. “Bare ass” with me just a second, and I’ll explain.
When you buy a car, do you get the bare minimum? If you’re buying new, you want wifi, satellite radio, rear camera, A/C, all kinds of safety features, and then, you customize your car further by buying seat covers, window tinting, spinners.
Wait, do people still buy spinners? I haven’t seen spinners since, like, 2005, but lemme’ get back to sex.
Lots of people have sex, but why would they settle for the bare minimum? Sure, sex is awesome all on its own, but it’s sooo much better with sex furniture; wedges, chaises, swings, and absolutely mind numbing with toys; magic wands, butt plugs, nipple clamps.
Here’s the deal. Those of us who have sex can have better sex, and introducing tools to improve sex is just aces. Everyone can benefit from a little starter kit; fluffy cuffs, feathery masks, leather whips. Sex is about fun; it’s about feeling good. It’s about making your partner feel good.
You want to make your partner feel good, right? Hell, you want to make yourself feel good, right?
So, yeah, we’re almost in an age where it’s completely acceptable to own sex toys and talk about our sex toys. I even read a mini Maxim article about someone who carried their newly purchased parts doll onto a train, no bag or nothin'!
Too bad we're not quite there yet. Sure, we all know most ladies enjoy a cute little rabbit, and we know everyone loves getting down on a magic wand, but you walk into a house party and start talking about cock rings, and everyone thinks your cray-cray. Am I right?
Okay, you probably shouldn’t discuss cock rings with strangers, but my point is that just about everyone either has a sex toy or has at the very least browsed for sex toys.
To that “rear end,” I want to showcase sex toys from around the world!
You might remember my last article about the history of sex toys. I gingerly touched many countries and cultures in my search for truth. All I wanted to do was provide a timeline for the creation and development of sex toys, but things didn’t work out quite the way I had planned. This time, I’ll just be showing you various toys from numerous countries and cultures, but don’t get too excited.
I still can’t get over the fact that sex toys are illegal in India, but anyway…
Bronze penises were common in ancient Greece. Next door, in Rome, they got crafty and made double ended dongs. Homosexuality of any kind wasn’t labeled back then; you banged whomever you wanted to bang, male or female, so long as they were consenting.
Okay, maybe they weren't all consenting, and pedophilia was prevalent back then, but c’mon, I don’t want to discuss that.
Anyway, both the Greeks and Romans liked cock rings, too. Back then, it wasn’t weird to want to do whatever was necessary to please a woman. Men didn’t seem to be egotistical morons who got their butt holes hurt over having a smaller dick than their girl’s last partner; they just learned what she liked and went to town. Insofar as pleasing a man goes, I gotta’ say it’s pretty easy.
Today, European sex toys come from pretty much the world over, so Greeks and Italians have turned their attention to awesome food. Hey, you can play with food while you boff. That’s fun!
Pretty sure everyone knows Asian porn is the best porn. Japan also has hentai. I love hentai; I mean, anything goes. If you watch Japanese porn, you should be familiar with hentai.
Now, I talked about onaholes once; they’re basically Japan’s answer to the Fleshlight, a masturbator for men designed to feel like a vagina, butt hole, or mouth, but have you ever heard of a Tenga Flex?
Look at this thing. It’s like it’s from another world. In trying to figure out just what the Hell it is, I learned that it’s a masturbator, but somehow, due to quantum-loop theory, it spins around the dong while a dude is stroking, and that just sounds awesome.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to order one and use it, so the next the paragraph might be a little sticky. I’m kidding of course!
At the other end of the spectrum we have kegel balls, because what’s a woman who can’t squeeze her special muscles, am I right? Sorry, ladies, I know how that sounds, but if us guys go way out to learn how to suck your clit while curling our fingers inside you to massage that special spot, the least you can do is a couple of kegel exercises.
Yeah, I’m being honest; if you want your man to want you, to crave you, then learn a few tricks, and you can easily learn a few tricks with kegel balls. I’ve never seen a Tenga Flex or kegel balls on an American sex toy website, so hands up to the Japanese. Cocks up the Japanese!
I got real curious about sex toys in Africa. It’s the continent that gave us women who burn their breasts with hot stones to make them flat like pancakes and mothers who tug on their daughters’ pussy lips to make them long, and I learned that most African countries have outlawed sex toys.
What the what?
That was a shocker, but South Africa hasn’t outlawed sex toys. Unfortunately, I didn’t find anything odd from South African sex toy shops, and there’s a limited history regarding sex toys, as I’ve noted before.
I guess everything is kind of repressed down there…
Contemporary Americans have ever been influenced by Europe, so they probably brought some dildos and butt plugs along on the Mayflower, but before Europeans set foot on our land, there were natives, and I’m sure they did more with spears than we think. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to learn much about Native American sex toys.
If they had any actual toys, they likely came from China. Oh yeah, there’s plenty of evidence that the Chinese sailed to the Americas long before Columbus and Vespucci arrived.
Quick segue, men on ships didn’t automatically go gay. Many of them used Dutch wives—sex dolls—which I’ve mentioned in numerous articles.
On the other hand, the Natives used damiana, guarana, and savory as aphrodisiacs.
That is one horrifying berry.
Did you know that Aztec is an American term? They called themselves Mexica, a Nahuatl term; they were… Mexicans, pronounced Meshicans.
The Aztecs might have had stone dildos and butt plugs, but who knows? The items in question could just have easily been pestles that some dumb, repressed idiot concluded were dildos because he secretly wanted one up his bum.
I didn’t find any sex toys from Mexico, but they sure did use a ton of devil’s claw. It’s an aphrodisiac!
Aphrodisiacs are another thing I’ve never understood. Is there an opposite of an aphrodisiac? That’s what I need…
Let’s head down south and wrap it up. Sex pun!
Whelp, some South American countries have outlawed sex toys. I really can’t understand this.
It’s no wonder some guys resort to banging melons, and some women resort to cucumbers. I mean, what’s so wrong about wanting to give yourself a good orgasm? Why is it illegal? What if you have some kind of problem with your hand, wrist, or fingers?
On the other hand, the Incan empire seemed to really love butt sex. Seriously, there's a ton of existing artwork focused on anal sex.
Chinese toys have been around longer than Japanese toys since the Japanese culture is really the result of Korean, Chinese, and Ainu influence all coming together after the Edo period. Before then, the Ainu inhabited a greater portion of Japan—a little history.
Yes, I’m a smart man. I have a huge brain, and it’s super sexy.
Anyway, the conception of Chinese sex toys may have begun with goat eyelids. I’m not sure if this is true, but supposedly, Chinese men would harvest the eyelid of a goat, dry it out, oil it up, and use it as a cock ring.
I gotta’ say, I’m not convinced; it seems like tying a leather strap around the dong would be a whole Hell of a lot easier, but there are some who claim the goat eyelid was the origin of the cock ring.
Apart from the cock ring, the Chinese have designed this G-spot vibrator.
I can't begin to imagine how to use this thing. I mean, it looks like it could rub up and down a clit, but the G-spot is inside, so... I don’t know, whatever, I’d sure like to see the result of using this vibrator.
Oddly enough, I saw this set of jumper of cables!
Oh, they’re not jumper cables. Are the Chinese all hot about electrical stimulation?
You gotta’ admit that whomever sat there after the discovery of electricity and thought: I’m going to find a way to cum from this had to have been off their rocker.
At the beginning of this article, I said that we’re at the threshold of a new sex age, but it seems that only applies to America. Many of the Asian countries are way ahead of us. Many other countries are waaay behind us.
Like with my loose history of sex toys article, what I wanted to accomplish was an introduction of sex toys from around the world, but a great deal of the world wants to keep sex toys out of your hands. I hope that changes; sex is really important.
People enter into relationships so that they can have sex with a trusted partner. Yeah, there are numerous other reasons for marriage or dating or whatever, but let’s be honest, we stay with someone who has sex, and good sex, because sex feels good; it’s the physical manifestation of our innermost feelings, but sometimes—and I mean always—sex can be improved with tools; you wouldn’t pound a nail into a board with your hand, would you? You wouldn't use a rock when you can buy a hammer, right?
Sex is a necessity; without sex, there’d be no more people on earth, so why not make something necessary as fun and enjoyable as possible?
If you’re in a country that allows sex toys, buy some. If you’re not… then, I don’t know, log onto Amazon and look for “personal massagers.” They’re not as good as real sex toys, but in a pinch, they’ll do, and with that, I’ll say thanks for reading, a scrunchie can double as a cock ring in pinch, and disinfect that cucumber before insertion.
You can find more goofy sex articles like this one on my NSFW tab. There, you can also find a list of trusted online sex shops.