Reconnecting (Part 2)

I collapse next to him on the kitchen floor. We lay there catching our breath for a minute. We were always so good at sex. Maybe we could be friends with benefits or something. I snuggle up next to him and run my hand through his messy hair one more time. Maybe this town wasn't so bad after all.

"I'm sorry I called you unmemorable earlier," I say. "It'll be hard to forget tonight. You were amazing!" He looks over at me with that same look in his eye.

"I love you," he says.

What?!

I freeze. Is he crazy? We haven't seen each other for years! He can't be in love with me after all this time. It's impossible, right? Even if he does love me, I most certainly do not reciprocate. I don't know what to think right now. Am I giving him the wrong impression by lying here next to him on the kitchen floor? I pull my hand out from his hair.

He sits up and looks at me in a panic.

"I didn't mean that," he says quickly. "It's just the sex was so good, and I wasn't thinking, it just sort of slipped out."

I scramble to think of what to say as I scramble to collect my clothes up off the floor.

"Don't worry about it," I say, pulling my clothes on and forcing a laugh. "It happens. I should probably go, though." I gesture towards the door and casually walk towards it. I try to seem like I'm not freaking out, but I'm not sure it's working.

"You don't have to go," says David, emerging from the kitchen. His pants are on but his shirt still lies on the ground behind him. "You could stay for a glass of wine... if you want."

"Thank you," I say, tying my shoes, "but Mary will be back from work soon.

She'll be wondering where I am."

"I'll drive you," David offers.

"No thank you," I say. "I only live a few blocks away and I could use the exercise, you know?" The truth is I just want to get as far away from this awkward situation as I can.

We awkwardly hug goodbye. For some reason I can't quite figure out what to do with my arms. He leans in for a kiss but I turn my head so he plants one on my cheek. I pull back.

"Okay, bye!" I say in a friendly voice that doesn't quite sound like mine. I open the door before he has the chance to do it for me. I walk out the door and start the walk back to me and Mary's place. I don't look back to see if he's watching me.

****

"Unpacking?" asks Mary, when she gets home from her work thing. "I thought you were gonna go to the mall." I have been emptying my last few moving boxes since I got back from David's.

"I did go to the mall," I say, not looking up from my boxes. "Now I'm back."

Mary just looks at me for a minute. She's known me forever so she can tell when something's wrong. She sits down on our cheap old sofa and pats the empty spot next to her, inviting me to sit. I smile and sit down.

"So, what's bothering you?" she asks. Truth be told, I don't really want to talk about it.

"And don't tell me you don't wanna talk about it," she says, reading my mind. "I'm your best friend, you have to tell me everything."

"Okay," I laugh. "So, at the mall today I ran into David."

"Wait, like David your ex?" Mary asks.

"Yeah. He lives here apparently, which was a huge surprise. Anyway, at first he doesn't seem super happy to see me but then he invites me back to his place to feed his dog."

"You mean he invited you back to his place for sex," she teases, raising her eyebrows.

"To feed his dog!" I say defensively.

"So you didn't hook up then?"

"No... we did," I admit with a laugh.

"So was the sex not as good as it used to be? Is that what's bugging you?"

"No, if anything the sex was better than it used to be. The sex was amazing, actually. He's so good-looking and we have this amazing chemistry."

"So what's wrong?"

"He sort of... told me he loved me," I say. I look at Mary, waiting for her jaw to drop in shock... but it doesn't. She simply nods knowingly.

"How are you not freaking out right now?" I ask.

"Well," she says hesitantly. "Running into you probably brought up a bunch of old feelings. Then sleeping together on top of that. I can't say I'm surprised." I just stare at Mary, taken aback by her reaction. "I'm not saying he's in love with you, I'm just saying he was probably overwhelmed. People say stupid things when they're emotional."

"He should have kept his feelings in check," I say defensively. "I didn't feel anything, our relationship was a million years ago. And overwhelmed or not, he shouldn't have said what he said."

"Not everyone's as emotionally constipated as you, Julia," says Mary, a little annoyed. "Other people like to let their feeling out."

"I am not emotionally constipated!"

"You are! There's no way you didn't feel anything with David, you just refuse to admit it," she accuses. "What happened, Julia? You used to be an open book and now I have to fight you just to talk to me. You never share your feelings and you get uncomfortable anytime someone tries to share theirs." Mary is almost always cool and collected but I can tell that she's getting heated right now. "I don't wanna talk about it is, like, your motto lately."

A beat passes in silence.

"Mary," I say quietly. "You're right, I've been emotionally constipated. I'm sorry. I hope you know you can talk to me about anything."

She reaches out, grabs my hand, and smiles. "Thanks," she says. "I know I can. I just hate to see you so emotionally closed off. No one should have to hold their feelings inside."

I pull my legs up onto the couch and sit cross legged facing Mary. "So," I say, "how was your super important work thing?"

"I don't want to bore you," she says with a laugh.

"Come on!" I say, poking her. "I'm your best friend, you have to tell me everything."

****

It's late at night but David's bedroom light is on. It's been two days since I saw David and I've been thinking a lot about what he and Mary said. Mary was right, I just need to go ask him about his feelings and tell him about mine. I'll tell him I'm sorry that I ran out. I'll tell him I understand what he was feeling that day, because I felt it a little bit too. I'll tell him that I missed him when we broke up and I'll tell him that I would like to reconnect after all these years. I'll lay it all out there and he can take me or leave me. This is extremely nerve wracking. I really don't like sharing my feelings. Sometimes I even have trouble admitting them to myself.

Okay, here goes nothing.

I walk up to his front door and knock three times.

This moment before he opens the door feels like a million years and a millisecond all at the same time. Then I see his face, and I look into those deep brown eyes.

"Julia?" he says, surprised. "It's really late, what are you doing here?" He stands there in a hoodie and pyjama pants.

"I... umm..." I fumble over my words. A minute ago I knew I wanted to tell him how I feel, but now I'm not so sure. "I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry for freaking out last time. I know you didn't mean it and I..." I stop. He's waiting for me to tell him what's on my mind. "And I just wanted to tell you..." I just can't bring myself to say the rest. Before I know what I'm doing, I wrap my arms around his neck.

"I want you to kiss me," I say and he does.

He kisses me passionately and pulls me inside, closing the door behind us. Kissing him, I completely forget whatever was on my mind a second ago. There's just us here now, holding each other. His lips caress mine and his tongue explores the inside of my mouth. I slip my hands under his hoodie and explore his toned stomach. He smells amazing. I can't quite put my finger on the scent but it's intoxicating. I start kissing from his jaw down his neck. I pull his hoodie off and kiss his chest, then his abs and then I drop to my knees and start laying kisses right above the waist band of his pyjama pants. I can tell that he's getting hard.

"Julia," he says breathlessly. "I hate to say this, but I have class early tomorrow morning."

I stand up, take his hand, and whisper in his ear as seductively as I can. "Then let's take this to the bedroom. I'll be quick."

A grin spreads across his face. He takes my hand, plants a kiss on it, and leads me to his bedroom. He pulls me towards his bed.

I push him down lightly so he's sitting on the edge of the bed. I lean in and kiss him deeply on the lips. His hands come up to hold my face softly. We kiss for a beat before I pull back. Then I get down on my knees in front of him. He looks at me, waiting to see what I'll do next. I trail my hands up his legs as I look up at him with a naughty smile. I lace my fingers through his waist band then pull his pants down so he's only in his boxers. I take my hand and stroke up and down over his growing erection. His eyes close from pleasure and his breath quickens. I pull his boxers down as well and take his penis in my hands. His eyes widen. I stroke him up and down in my hands.

"Do you like seeing me down here, on my knees?" I ask naughtily, still working my hands on him.

A small moan escapes him.

I place a kiss on the tip of his member. He watches me intently, eyes wild with lust. Maintaining eye contact, I slowly take him all the way into my mouth.

"Shit, Julia!" he moans.

I bring him in and out of my mouth slowly at first and then faster. As I speed up, he laces his fingers through my hair and gently guides my head up and down on him. His penis is so big I almost gag as I take him as deep into my mouth as I can. I can tell he's beginning to lose control. I use my tongue to lick the length of him and I spit on his dick because I know he likes it wet. I can tell he's about to come.

"In my mouth," I say. "Come in my mouth."

He grunts quietly, shaking and runs his fingers through my hair. I feel my mouth fill with liquid and swallow all of it.

We lay down together on his bed facing each other. He kisses my forehead and strokes my cheek.

"Let me return the favour," he says.

"No," I say, smiling. "It's tempting, but you should get some rest before your class tomorrow morning."

He kisses me on the forehead once more and rolls onto his back. I stay there on my side facing him. His eyes close slowly and he yawns. He doesn't toss and turn like he used to, but he shifts his weight a few times. I watch him settle in and then lay still after a few minutes. He must be asleep. He looks so peaceful lying there.

I remember how he used to sneak into my house late at night after my parents were asleep. Most times we wouldn't even hook up, we'd just sleep next to each other. Tonight his arms are at his sides instead of wrapped around me. I feel my heart drop a little bit. Why do I care?! I shouldn't care! But I can't help feeling something as he sleeps next to me.

How long have I been staring at him?

I'm not falling asleep anytime soon so I roll out of bed and look around the room. His room is full of instruments. There's a small keyboard against the wall with an acoustic guitar leaning on it, as well as ukuleles and an electric guitar hung up on hooks. His walls are covered in posters of bands that I've never heard of. There's a desk in the other corner, covered in binders and loose sheet music. It looks like he pencilled the notes in himself. I remember when he used to call me his muse. I miss his musical disposition. He always had a song for me to listen to. We'd spend hours sitting and listening to music.

I've gone so long without thinking about David at all and now I can't go two minutes without remembering something he said or did. I blame Mary. I wasn't thinking like this before she stuck her nose in everything. Now I can't stop feeling things. Stupid feelings, they ruin everything!

I grab a t-shirt out of his dresser and wear it as pyjamas. I crawl back into bed next David and pull the covers over us. He's so cute, asleep next to me. I snuggle up next to him. I could easily fall asleep like this, but I choose to stay awake. I want to hang on to every moment. I try to memorize the way he smells, the way he looks, and the way he feels laying next to me. I don't know if I'll have many more sweet moments with David. After I tell him that I've been having feelings for him, things might change between us. Then again, I could just ignore my feelings and never tell him anything. I let out a sigh. No, I have to tell him. I will tell him... eventually.

Sunshine starts to creep in through the window. He stirs but doesn't wake up. I watch his chest rise and fall slowly with every breath he takes. I could stay here for hours in this quiet moment.

His alarm goes off and I jump.

David reaches over me to turn off his alarm. Then he sits up and looks at me.

"Sleep well?" he asks.

"Yes. Thank you." I lie. I didn't sleep a wink.

He gets dressed and takes me to the kitchen. He offers to cook me eggs but I tell him I should get going. As I'm walking out the door, he stops me for a minute.

"There's this party tomorrow night at my buddy's house. You wanna come?" he asks.

"Sure," I say as casually as I can, trying to keep a big dopey smile from spreading across my face.

****

Mary's waiting for me when I get home. I told her I was going to see David last night.

"I take it as a good sign that you didn't come home last night," she teases.

"I spent the night at David's," I say, showing her the oversized men's t-shirt I'm still wearing.

"Ooooooh!" she says teasingly. "And how did he react when you told him you had feelings for him?"

"I, umm... didn't tell him," I admit hesitantly.

"Oh my god, Julia!" she exclaims, throwing her hands in the air. "I can't believe you!" Annoyed, she starts walking away.

"Okay, you're totally allowed to be annoyed at me right now," I say, grabbing her arm to keep her from storming off. "I said I would tell David how I felt and instead I hooked up with him. But right now I really need your help. I need to find something sexy to wear to this party tomorrow night."

Mary rolls her eyes and then smiles. "I know just the thing."