On Antarctica

Dan and Carol Oakes discussed safe words on their sofa after dinner one Friday evening.

“Wahoo, or Cadbury?” Carol asked.

Just two hours prior, Dan, rife with grief and butterflies in his belly, struggled to find the words to tell his wife that he’d RSVP’d them for a swinger’s event tomorrow evening. The soiree was being held in two parts: dinner at a fancy seafood restaurant tucked away two neighborhoods over off the G. The second, after dinner drinks, followed by an open invitation to the host’s place, for anyone that wanted. Excited, but also terrified, Dan Oakes gulped down two margaritas and a round of appetizers before he worked up the nerve to share how he got them involved. Perspiring under the candle light, and nervously rearranging his thinning hair, the words fell out of his mouth about as unartfully as he imagined they would.

“I signed us up for this swinger’s party tomorrow”

She dropped her fork onto her plate. “Are you serious?”

This came as a surprise as their infrequent sex and scarce intimacy would normally not produce Saturday plans like these. Carol, in fact, harbored a lot of resentment over this, as she was beginning to doubt her own sexual appeal. Ironically however, despite being older by a few years than Dan, Carol appeared as if she aged in reverse. At 40, she maintained healthy eating habits, and exercised each morning before leading executive coaching sessions for clients. She had taken her husband’s recent shortcomings in stride, as Dan, a school teacher, began to let himself go. Now heavier than when she first married him, he sagged in areas that gave him the appearance of a melting ice cream cone wearing a baggy suit in the sun. He ate poorly, drank too much, and was generally on edge about his appearance at all times, as the hair on the back of his head was losing the battle to bad genes and aging. Noticeably so, that his eighth-graders even took bets on which country the bald spot most resembled; a fact somehow, he and Carol were painfully aware of. Carol thought it looked more like Antarctica.

“You know I’ve just been insecure about us, and how I look. Plus, I just thought we could change things up a bit.” He said to his wife as she angrily gestured for the bill.

On the car ride home, they said nothing. Carol thought about work, the last time she felt sexy in front of a mirror, and how frustrated she was with Dan; more annoyed than anything. She had suggested something like this in the past, but he was too uncomfortable with the thought of bringing other people into their bedroom. So why the sudden change she wondered? Truth was, Dan had been slowly but surely building up his self-confidence by sexting strangers. He started small with anonymous comments, then subscription sites, and finally profiles using his picture. As they reached their apartment, Carol finally broke the silence:

“I don't know how, or why you did this, but I’m letting you know now, I’m not doing anything I'm not comfortable with.”

“100%, I just--”

She cut him off:

“It’s uncool and unfair to spring this on me, but if we set ground rules, it can’t be that bad.“

In great detail, over a bottle of wine, they went over their plan for Saturday, covering everything from what they should wear, to basic rules of engagement.

“I don't think either of us should have sex with anyone. Full stop.” she proposed.

“Sure, it’s more to meet people really.“

“I don't want either of us to do things we’ll regret later”.

“Sure,” he said.

Carol knew his limp answer was a sign that he’d waiver on this.

“But,” he continued. “If we do decide to and one of us is uncomfortable, we should agree on a safe word, right?”

Jokingly she said, “How about Vamos?”

“No.”

“Cadbury?

“Maybe.”

“Linebacker?”

”No!” He yelled.

“How about Wahoo?”

He shrugged.

“Wahoo or Cadbury?”

“I like Wahoo”.

“Deal.”

--

The next night at 8 pm they arrived at the restaurant, Cohn’s. Dan wore a Hawaiian shirt and sports jacket. He gelled his hair so that the comb over would hold. He looked better than usual. Carol wore her favorite linen pantsuit she sometimes wore for meetings and let her hair down. She looked beautiful. The pair were practically glowing as they walked up to their table to find three other couples, and a few singles, in a large booth at the back of the restaurant.

“Hi, we’re Carol and Dan Oakes,” she said to the table, putting out her hand to greet everyone.

Sitting in the booth were Robert and Elma Burke, real estate developers, the hosts; Tanya and Carey Chris, a designer, and yogi ; Curtis Townsend and Clay Vera, a lawyer, and an accountant; Two younger women, grad school students, Mimi Blair and Vanessa Chao; and Rick Speed, a sports writer. They were all attractive, well dressed, and, more importantly, inviting, immediately putting the Oakes at ease.

“Welcome!” Robert said.

“Just in time. We put in drinks!” said Mimi and Vanessa.

“Let’s do this,” Elma suggested as she got up. “Let's mix up everyone’s seats so that we can get to know each other”.

In the shuffle, Dan got seated next to Vanessa, and Carol next to Robert.

“So, what do you do?” asked Robert.

“I'm an executive coach. I teach CEOs.”

Gobsmacked, Robert yelled, “Honey! She’s a CEO coach. Exactly what we need!”

Carol blushed. She couldn’t tell if he was joking, but continued the conversation in earnest.

“What are you the CEO of?”

“Oh, we invest in properties all over. We just don’t know how to run the company. Her dad owned it and gave it to us for our wedding. It’s all dumb luck really.“

Taken aback, Carol wondered if she got stuck next to an insufferable braggart.

“Don’t get me wrong, I'm grateful, I’d just prefer to be traveling, rather than running a company like this. It’s exhausting.”

“Well, I don't blame you.” said Clay, who interrupted. “Curtis and I haven’t been on vacation in years”

The entire table now joined in, comparing sob stories over the last great trip they all took. Except for Vanessa and Dan, who looked deep in a private conversation. Really, Vanessa couldn’t get a word in edgewise, as Dan went on about his passion for teaching, assuming she was at all interested. Almost running his hands through his hair, but remembering the gel, he fantasized about what it would be like with her, while the rest traded travel anecdotes.

“Visit any nude beaches?” Rick asked Tanya.

“Of course! Both Carey and I came back with zero tan lines, and lots of good photos. Want to see?” Tanya said boldly.

Everyone laughed. More than was necessary, as it was the first time their conversation made an oblique reference to why they were all together.

“For Elma’s 40th, we flew to Australia, Mile High Club, of course, for a helicopter tour of the Northern Territory’s wild bulls. Absolutely stunning.” Said Robert.

Unimpressed, Rick asked, “Why not Pamplona, instead?”

“Too macho,” Robert responded. “Too cruel.”

For some reason, this appealed to Carol. She liked that Rick was unafraid to talk about money but was honest about it. He was interesting, worldly, and confident. Unlike Dan, who looked like he was boring that poor girl to death. When dinner arrived, the conversation naturally calmed down as they ate, while Rick and Elma explained the next part of the evening. “After we finish here, and figure out paying, there’s a secret bar behind this restaurant, the Hole. It’s great.”

When it came time for the bill, all of the men, except for Dan, put their cards down. “No, no, no, I’ll get it,” they all said. Unbeknownst to everyone however, Carol already settled the bill. “Actually, I slipped off to the women’s room and paid, because I knew you all would do this.”

“Class act,” Robert said. He meant it.

The Hole was big enough to seat 20 or so. It was tiny, intimate, and dark. At four separate tables now, the party rearranged their seating again. Elma cozied up with Carey and Tanya, while Curtis and Clay made platonic friends with Mimi. Vanessa, however, could not escape Dan, as he clung to her like she had the last ticket out of town. Robert and Carol sat in a tight booth just behind everyone, discussing the outdoors, while Rick got drinks.

“Ever been stung by a bee?” Carol asked.

“I’m absolutely terrified by the prospect of it.”

“Sexy.”

“Excuse me, Mrs. Oakes, are you flirting with me?”

“I don't believe so. But maybe?”

Robert squeezed her hand under the table. When he did so, he bit his lip, a look she was not ready for as it was the first time in quite a while where she felt such a sensation pulse through her body. Curtis, Clay, and Mimi meanwhile comically observed how punishing Dan was with Vanessa. When she had free moments, she looked over to them, pleading for a life preserver to no avail. After about 10 minutes of this, she finally made a break for it.

“Gotta run to the restroom. BRB.”

As she passed the other tables, she motioned to Mimi.

“Nachos! Nachos! Nachos!” Said Vanessa.

“Fine. I hate that you used that as your safe word. I love nachos!”

“We can get them on the way home. I need to get away from him.”

The pair left without saying goodbye, or getting their first drink, setting off the slow exit of everyone else. Tanya and Carey said their goodbyes soon after, followed by Clay and Curtis. With that, Dan and Rick moved to Elma’s table.

“So, Dan, Carol said you used to teach college? Why’d you stop?“ Rick asked while staring at Elma.

“The kids were awful.” He said without hesitation “They were relentless, so I switched to Eighth grade and -- “

“Isn’t Elma such a goddess?” Rick interjected, abruptly switching topics.

“Oh, sure!”

Dan misinterpreted the question. He thought Rick was trying to invite him to have a threesome with Elma. So, when Rick started to kiss Elma, Dan grabbed hold of her thigh.

“No!,” she yelled. “Robert, Alaska!”

Robert and Carol could be heard laughing, as they had not been paying attention at all. They didn't even realize the others left.

“You know, you’re remarkable Carol. Can I call you, not for work?”

“Robert! ALASKA!” Elma yelled louder, getting the entire bar’s attention.

Robert and Carol, both in a daze, and smiling, popped their heads over the booth. The sight of the two, set something off in Dan. He touched his bald spot, again, thinking they had been laughing at him. He kept hearing Alaska in his head over and over. He thought of the college students that used to call him Ohio State, because of the spot. Then he thought of his 8th graders who called him the Great Wall behind his back and in the hallways. Drunk and feeling rejected, an intense rage came over him, so much so that he lunged across the booth accidentally hitting Rick and Elma in an attempt to get Robert. Security, the bartender, and Rick had to separate them. When Dan got up, his shirt was torn, and his hair disheveled, revealing his massive bald spot that shined against the light from the bar. Everyone tried to hold in their laughter at the sight of it, thinking it looked familiar, like a place on the map.

Now outside after being ejected by the bar, Carol tucked her husband into a yellow cab. Just as she was about to get in, Robert surprised her and grabbed her hand. He asked if he could kiss her goodnight.

“Make haste,” she said.

When he did, he held her close, and told her to look him up soon. She said goodbye, regrettably, and off they went back home.