Never Again

You used to be my favorite memory. A moment in time where I usually got lost in, with a coated key full of sadness to open the door. A flood of emotions would drown me every time, anywhere, while doing anything. It robbed me of my senses, consuming my lungs until breathing became painful.

But here I am. At your doorstep. In the middle of July. After years of searching for the ghost you left me with. Are you the same boy who's charm and broken soul lured me in? Do you still wear that haunting smile I couldn't erase out of my mind even if I tried?

You haven't opened the door yet, but I know you're already regretting letting me stay. I know this because I regret asking to begin with.

"Hey," you say warmly, opening that door that's been keeping us apart all this time, and you step out, in the same cowboy boots I always imagined you'd be wearing when this finally happened. I laughed then, covering my mouth immediately, wondering if you knew just how long its been since I laughed this hard. Or laughed at all.

"Yeah, I know. I look ridiculous," you claim, easing the tension with your knowing words and titillating grin. I let myself breath in and out, calming down before I initiated a hug that would no doubt cause another one of our famous catastrophes. You smell like heartbreak on a sundae, topped off with tempting chocolate, and a sprinkle of masochism.

"You gonna let me go now?" you ask me softly in my ear, even though you're not pulling away from me either. We've waited too long for this. And there will be consequences. Your heart was pounding just as violently as mine was because of it. I could hear it from here.

"Sorry. Your house is beautiful," I changed the subject, and pull away from your embrace first, just like I always have, emotionally, physically, with everyone but you. I had to bring some reinforcements. Your storms always left me with nothing in the end. I swore this time would be different.

"Thanks. Come inside and I'll put your bags in the guest room," you offer, taking my luggage along with my lingering gaze on your behind as I watch you walk inside your home. I smirk because there was never much there to grab on to. And now all I want to do is see if it was still true.

You lead me down a hallway full of pictures of your family and I'm instantly somber. We could've had all of this, you know. It could've been me and you up on those walls, in the centerfold of it all. You in your tuxedo, me in a hideous wedding dress. Two miserable people creating happiness out of thin air. It wouldn't have worked out. I know that now. But still, it was nice to have pictured us building something, instead of using everything and everyone in our path to tear it down.

"Are your kids at home?" I asked, only because I'm not sure how much you've told them about me. Do they know who I am? Did you tell them you used to say I love you to someone who wasn't their mother? Do you know I was your first test run and you ran when the words became too heavy with meaning to stay with me? You couldn't stay away. I didn't want you to at the time. Even though the toxic love we created was all that kept me alive. I turned into a masochist for you. And you thought it was love. What a deadly assumption.

"They're off camping with their mother for the weekend. We'll be alone," you explain, and I swear I could hear the smile full of mischief in your voice. Your shoulders are stiff and broad, giving nothing away physically. But it's still there. It always will be.

"Your sister told me about your divorce. I'm sorry to hear about that." I mentioned, and waited for your reaction as you opened the door to your guest room and dragged my luggage inside. Your home is woodsy, like you. With modern touches. Like her. I smirk at this information because I know exactly why you married her now. She was the closest thing to me as you could find. Except she wasn't me. I could've never given you this wholesome and peaceful life. Together, we started fires, we never bothered to put them out.

"And I'm sorry to hear about your husband. How long ago did he pass away?" you inquire, fishing around for the details of my romantic life as I took in every inch of the space I'll be hiding in for the next few days. You'll drag me out of here. Of that, I was certain. You were never comfortable with me settling or wallowing. Especially if it would cause me pain. You left because of that, not knowing a final goodbye from you would be the last nail on the coffin, burying the girl I used to be.

"Two years. He was a pain in the ass, but he was good to me," I admitted honestly. My dead husband gave me back what I lost when I fell in love with you. A better version of myself came out of it and I don't regret any of the time he and I spent together. I was only pissed at him for passing away, and leaving me with all this sadness and nowhere to put it.

"I knew you would find him," you confess, referencing the goodbye letter you wrote to me that tore seventeen-year-old me to pieces. You set us free, because you knew I couldn't. I needed a change, so you pushed me out of the train car full of misery, and forced me into a world without you in it. I hated you for it, taking that choice away from me. Looking into your eyes right now, I realize that letter must've been just as hard to write, as it was to read. And I hate you all over again for it.

"You're an idiot, you know that?" I comment bluntly, the tears burning my eyes, threatening to show him just how pissed I was at him for that stupid letter. We were different people now, circling back to heal old wounds before moving on again. Didn't we make that mistake before?

"You deserved better than a seventeen-year-old boy who did nothing but make you unhappy," you answer, leaning your shoulder up against the door, watching me carefully. You're waiting for permission to come near me, even though my body is shaking with anger, anticipating your old but effective remedy. I won't give it to you. Not until you ask for it.

I put some much needed distance between us as I sit on the edge of the bed and take off my shoes. My feet weren't in any pain but my heart was, and I needed to take a moment to remind myself of why I was here.

"Your sister needs us to make sure the venue is being set up perfectly. We can go after I take a quick shower," I suggested, while placing my curls up in a messy bun and shed my cardigan off my shoulders. Your eyes are still on me, observing, recording every move I make in your memory. You must've seen something you liked because your wolfish grin returns and the bulge straining against the front of your jeans didn't leave much too my imagination.

It was still there. I knew it would be. Tainted chemistry like ours wasn't something that could be swept under the rug. Even after years of being apart, starting new lives, falling in love with different people. The air still remained thick and sensual around us, causing everything below our waist to throb with something primal and fierce. I looked behind me, at the full-sized bed, and knew you were picturing us in it. Preferably naked and writhing. You always could read my mind.

"If you're done undressing, I can show you where you need to go," you respond with no shame and no hesitation behind your suggestive words. Please don't make me kick you. Your handsome face is too much for me as it is. Picturing you without any clothes on wasn't something I planned on doing today but here I was, stuck with that curiosity and temptation.

"I think I can find it, thanks," I replied with a coy smile and reached for the toiletry bag in my suitcase, as I watched you leave with a smirk.

***

Ascending from the steaming shower, I moved on to moisturizing and brushing my teeth. Taking one last look in the mirror before exiting, I grabbed another towel and used it to soak up the excess water from my hair and reached for the doorknob. But I didn't open the door just yet. I could smell your cologne from the other side of the door and I sighed, closing my eyes as I kicked myself for having a cologne fetish. You knew this and I know you're slowly pushing me into a surrender.

Still, I licked my lips and put on my best stern expression as I opened the bathroom door and found you standing in front of me. You swallow hard, as your eyes follow the condensation on my skin, the drops falling from my neck, sliding down into the valley of my breasts. I hear you curse underneath your breath as you run your fingers through your slicked back hair and start to walk away from me. Slumping my shoulders, I rest my shoulder on the door and cross my arms, waiting for your inner turmoil to pass.

"Having second thoughts about me staying here, I see," I say the obvious with as much sarcasm as possible, just to piss you off further. You start walking back towards me and I lean back when you stand so close I could practically feel how fast your heart was beating.

"I thought I could ignore it," you admit begrudgingly, and I laughed as I shook my head at the ridiculous idea. Did you think it would be that easy? To forget everything we drilled into each other? I guess I wasn't the only one who was in denial.

"Like I said, you're an idiot," I reminded him, with my chin up despite my pulse pounding erratically as you reach to caress my cheek. I tried not to give in. I really did. I didn't want to. You were never healthy for me. No one who could make my heart bounce off my chest with both insatiable love and pure anger was safe. You taught me that. I need you to remember that before we walk down the road of old and bad habits.

"And you're even more annoyingly beautiful and sexy than before and if I don't kiss you in the next five seconds, I'll lose my shit," you ramble as you pulled me closer and didn't bother to wait until I gave you permission this time. You tasted like coffee beans and cinnamon, mixed with relief. You held onto me as if I'd slip away at any moment, and kissed me as if you'd just found your favorite hard liquor to drown your sorrows in. The eager sadness on your tongue mirrored my own as we explored each other's lips and bodies. Your hands tugged on the towel wrapped around my damp body, letting it pool at my feet before you picked me up and carried me into the guest bedroom.

My back fell onto the soft cotton sheets and I watched you lift your t-shirt up and over your head, making it hard for me to hold up my wall of resistance towards you. You were a tall and lanky farm boy when we met and while the curves on my body grew into better crevices, the curves on yours defined and toned your biceps and your abs. My mouth watered and I swallowed to hide it.

You took notice anyway and hovered over my naked body. My hands ran up your arms while the scruff on your cheeks blazed a fire on my sensitive skin. You took in my scent while your nose nuzzled against my neck, down my chest and in between my breasts. I gasped as soon as I felt your mouth close over my hardened nipple. Your rugged hand squeezed at the flesh, molding it to your comfort while I squirmed beneath you.

I took the opportunity to reach for your belt and unbutton your jeans. You tugged them down quickly, then resumed to pulling me up further onto the bed until my head hit the pillows. Your hands pried open my legs, and placed them around your waist swiftly, while they squeezed at my thick thighs, then finally stopped at my hips. I used my lips to tease yours, making you chase after them as you positioned your long and thick cock against my stomach. It was ready to pound into me, but you weren't making any kind of effort to speed up the process. You enjoyed the game just as much as I did.

My hands reached for your shaft, and slowly began to stroke. You melted into my palm and captured my mouth in a hungry kiss. Passion wasn't anything new to us. We might've never been physically intimate while we were together, but I'd be damned if I said I hadn't thought about it. In fact, my entire career was based off the sexual frustration between the younger version ourselves and it paid off tremendously.

I think this was a good a time as any to thank you for it.

You felt warm and heavy in my hand as I pumped your cock, your balls jolting in surprise when I started massaging them too.

"Fuck, why did we wait so long?" you ask after you break our heated kiss for more air. I grinned and began to simultaneously rub both your balls and the tip of your member, pulling you underneath my mercy for once. No more words escaped your mouth. You were too busy trying not to come in my hands, making sure I was turned on to the point of madness by letting me tame you. It was something you owed me, and I appreciated you paying your debts.

I took your hand and placed it against my slick opening, letting you feel how wet I was for you with your fingertips. You groaned loudly before you took my hands away from your cock and crouched down before my damp mound. You licked your lips before you let your tongue make me groan so loud, anyone within a mile radius could hear. I bit down on my loose tongue and allowed my body to relax. My eyes closed as I focused on the pleasure pooling at the pit of my stomach, warning me of the waves of orgasm coming my way.

I felt you leave my opening and your body hover over mine once again, your hands at my hips, your cock aiming straight towards my folds. I swear this was what being high felt like. Not being aware of the altitude you were on, not giving a damn about it either way. You were going to make it hard for me to leave you this time. You used to make it so easy for me.

"I need you to see me," you plead against my ear and I smiled, opening my eyes, your gaze holding mine hostage as you drove your cock slowly into me. Inch by inch, I adjusted to your size and my body felt like flowers in the spring time, stretching into greatness as you guided me towards more pleasure. The more we crashed into each other, the more we lost control of who we were in the present. The intensity was too much, the pleasure overwhelming. It wasn't supposed to feel this good, feel so right. But it did. We did. I was afraid of that.

"Faster. Please," I begged, needing to get it over with before I fell apart again. You weren't the type to obey anyone's orders. Especially mine. Never mine. But I didn't stop you. How could I? I wanted this. I wanted this so badly, I could feel it in my bones. I knew it the moment you opened your front door and let me in. I knew it the moment you said yes to hosting me in your home until your sister's wedding weekend was over. I just had no inclination of how badly you wanted it as well.

Your thrusts increased when you were ready to give me more, and once you did, your hands cupped my face and your lips devoured mine as we both began to feel the first waves of mind-blowing orgasms making our bodies convulse with pure pleasure and relief. I didn't realize you were crying until your teardrops ran down my own cheek, putting my bliss on halt, causing me to pull away from your lips.

"I know," I sympathized with his pain. He knew where this would end, his tears were proof enough. We couldn't be together, even if we wanted to. There was too much damage done to our hearts for them to survive what we would put it through. Not again. Never again.