My Guilty Pleasure

"Ana?"

His voice jolted me back to reality. Sitting at a corner table, I was trying to avoid all human contact while attending that professional meetup. I had run away from everyone and everything. How come someone recognized me?

"Umm. Sorry, do I know you?" I replied, a bit startled.

"Let's find out how good your memory is!" He said and smiled confidently, making me rest my darting gaze on his brown eyes.

He had an attractive face, with a broad forehead and a narrow chin. Indeed, there was something familiar about him, but I couldn't place it.

Suddenly, a wave of nostalgia hit me.

"Oh my God! Ash?" I gasped. He looked even better in person.

A few heads turned towards us. He flashed his wholesome smile again.

"How long has it been, Ana? Five years?"

He was right. About five years ago I had met him online. It was a harmless reply to my tweet about AI programming and so I started following him, intrigued by his knowledge and passion for the subject.

We started having interesting discussions and began to message each other privately. That led to a chain of emails, chats, phone calls and then video calls. We started talking about our lives, our dreams, about nothing and everything.

Then I started to feel it. The anticipation. The urge to check my inbox repeatedly. The excitement when the phone buzzed with his texts. The hurry to be home to attend his calls in private. Conversations flowed naturally. I felt a genuine connection.

"Yes, about five years I guess." I replied, still fondly remembering that faraway carefree summer as I crossed one leg over the other, squirming in my chair a bit.

"I didn't know we had a visiting expert from Australia this evening! What brings you here?" Ash said as he sat down on the empty chair beside me, his shirt stretching around his broad shoulders. He was taller than I had imagined. With sweaty palms, I adjusted my miniskirt instinctively.

"I actually relocated here last month, after receiving an offer from a startup firm. I am in their Research and Development group. And no, I am not an expert! " I said formally.

"C'mon you were always good. I remember you were so passionate about research in AI." He said.

We had an awkward silence.

"So, how are you involved in this group?" I asked, preemptively breaking the pause, hoping to stall any more of his questions about me.

"Oh I don't know what I am doing here. I am not a researcher like you, just a poor engineer. I was kinda forced to be here by my company to be honest!" He said casually.

He then looked around and whispered," Frankly, all this stuff usually goes way over my head."

I wanted to laugh and say "Shut up, Ash!" but I kept mum. However, I couldn't help but crack a smile at his usual dry self deprecating humor which eased my anxiety a bit.

"So! You finally made the move!" Ash said. "This is the place to be. Lots of opportunities here. And they need people like you."

"Yeah I always wanted to be here." I said.

"I remember that." We looked at each other and smiled again.

I relaxed and we caught up a bit further. I found out that he worked for a major multinational firm as a senior manager, his office just two blocks away. And that he was recently married.

"So, how are you guys liking it here? It's not as awesome as Sydney but it's nice. I assume your husband moved here with you?" He asked.

I felt a sharp pang in my belly. Of course he knew I was married. We were still Facebook friends, I remembered.

"Umm ...no."

"Oh OK." Ash was kind enough to not dig any further.

There was another awkward pause.

"Anyway, whose brilliant idea was it to have this meetup on a Friday evening?" He said as he looked around, addressing no one and everyone. "I am ready to get out of here. "

"Oh yes, I am always ready to get away from people." I replied, hinting at our old joke.

"You still hate people don't you?"

"They are the worst!

—----

“Really? Of course I remember Ash! You had such a crush on him.” Yasmin exclaimed. She was my best friend and the only person who knew what had happened to my marriage.

“I did not have a crush on him!”

“You so did! He was all you would talk about that summer. You two were on the phone like all the time.”

“Hmm. But you know the story - it was a long distance thing and I think we were not that serious…so one day we had a discussion and decided to just be friends. ”

“Yeah yeah I remember. But you were so in love with him. Remember, I caught you one time lusting after his photo.”

“Shut up!”

“I am sure you took it to the shower, and then had a sexy time, huh? Don’t lie now!”

“What the fuck are you talking about Yasmin!” I burst out laughing.

“Sure sure sure. Whatever you say Ana! I don’t blame you. Tell me, is he still a hottie?”

“Ummm…”

“Oh My God!,” Yasmin squealed, “you still got the hots for him, huh? Dude you need to get together with him. Wear that backless dress that I bought you and go out for lunch or coffee or something. Show off your long sexy legs.”

“Hold on, tigress, he is married!” I said.

“So what, girl, I am not telling you to go have sex with him. But nothing wrong with being a little flirty. There’s actually research that shows healthy flirting and fantasizing are good for you!”

“I don't know about that, but yeah, it was nice to see a familiar face. Even though I panicked when I first saw him. I always worry about having to explain the mess eventually….”

“Don’t let your past control you, if you do, Nik wins.”

I stayed silent. Nik was, of course, my husband.

“So, has Nik tried to contact you since you left?” Yasmin asked cautiously. We both knew that by “contact” she meant something much more sinister.

“No…I mean… I don’t know, probably not. I have blocked all his numbers and emails. And nothing weird has happened. Yet.”

It was at that moment that it fully dawned on me - I was thousands of miles away from anyone I could call family or friend. I was all alone.

—--

A few weeks later, the universe decided to bless me with a cold.. I called in sick and decided to sleep it off. Temperatures had risen but were in that weird zone where I was too cold outside the covers but too hot under them. So I stripped off my nightgown. I took some sleep aid. After an hour of tossing and turning, I gave up.

It was 10.30am. Ash’s Monday morning team meeting must be over by now, I thought. We had been meeting for lunch often and texting pretty much daily by then. Just as friends. I never got any weird vibes from him so I had slowly become comfortable with him.

So I decided to bother him.

“Yo! That movie was awful!”

“Really? I thought you would like it. Sorry.”

“Lol. Just messing with you. It was good but too violent. Not a good watch for a scaredy little girl like me.”

“You? A scaredy little girl? I don’t believe it. You are a bully!”

“Huh? Me a bully? Whom did I bully?”

“Me. You bully me constantly. About my office window. About my clothes.”

“Whatevs. Ask me how my day is going? Hellloo?? Manners please?”

“Ok. How are you today, my majesty?”

“That’s more like it. I am so miserable!!! Down with flu :( I think. Plus I had some wine last night and made it worse :((“

“Oh no! Did u eat anything this morning? Took any meds?”

“No. Too tired. I took some sleep aid. But couldn’t sleep, so I decided to make some coffee and bother you :).”

“R u crazy? Wine, sleep aid, and coffee? You need to hydrate and eat something. Take some meds and rest. Do you have Advil or Tylenol?”

“Dude, why r u suddenly acting like a responsible adult? “

“Hold on. I will be there soon.”

“Nooo! You don’t have to do that! “

“Ash?“

“??”

I waited for him to reply but got no answer.

What the fuck, I thought, is he really going to come to my apartment? Wasn’t he overreacting?

After several minutes of staring at my phone, I finally jumped off the bed to fix myself up a bit. A sweaty mess greeted me at the bathroom mirror. Tying my hair in a high bun, I splashed some water on my face and brushed my teeth.

“Why is he coming here?” I muttered to myself as I applied some cream and lip gloss. I should have never told him where I lived. It would take him just minutes to be here.

Running into the closet, I grabbed whatever I could find - a pair of gym tights and a dress shirt.

“Hey, how are you feeling? Brought some stuff for you.“ Ash said, looking down at the bag he was handing me, making sure the soup didn't spill.

“Thanks. That was quick! But you really didn’t need to do all that. I am fine, really.” I said as I moved away from the door and walked into the apartment. I placed the bag on the table and turned around.

He looked up. “Oh….I should go…I mean I have to go…umm besides I don’t want to catch your germs anyway.” Ash said, a bit awkwardly, which was unlike him.

He started to walk backwards and said “But please monitor your temperature, take meds and rest up. Do let me know if you need anything at all. Please! ”

Then he put on his sunglasses, turned around, and thundered down the stairs.

That was abrupt, I thought. As I closed the door, I noticed my black lacy bra was clearly visible through my sheer white dress shirt. Was he that shy? I wondered and smiled.

The hot spicy soup soothed my throat and opened up my blocked nose. I took the meds and went back to bed. I tossed and turned as the weird concoction of wine, sleep aid, coffee and Tylenol coursed in my veins.

I fell into a weird daze in which I was not really asleep and not really awake.

I felt like I was being watched. Like there was someone in the apartment. I would try to look into the living room but I was too drowsy to move my body.

I had a nightmare that it was Nik. He was out there sitting on the couch, waiting in the dark, watching me silently. I was terrified. Then I realized it was not Nik but Ash. A sweet warm feeling filled me.

I dreamt that we were in the conference center. Ash was sitting next to me listening to a lecture. I was wearing a very short dress and felt conscious.

He said something funny and I made a face. He apologized. I pretended to be mad. He apologized again. I smiled at him.

I pointed at something on the table. A paper. He bent down to look at it. His cheek came close to me. I instinctively gave it a light peck and smiled.

And then I opened my eyes.

The apartment was dark and still. I removed the covers and found myself naked. My undergarments were thrown to the side. I must have peeled them off in my sleep, I figured. The coolness felt good on my exposed sweaty body.

I thought of the dream. It was weirdly vivid. I had actually felt his stubble on my mouth. My hand went to my lips. I closed my eyes and the image of Ash’s cheek flashed in front of me again. Suddenly, I felt something surge in my body. I could feel every inch of my skin.

I closed my eyes and there was that kiss again. It felt so real. I kept going with it. As if I had no resistance. The next kiss was a bit lower. And then lower still. Further. Then finally I kissed the edge of his mouth. I gasped, twitching down there, as if jolted by electricity. My hands moved to my crotch.

Now I was kissing the edge of his lips, slowly and lightly. One sensual peck at a time. Then I pressed my lips full on his lips, and my excitement jumped another level. I could feel my breath getting heavy and my chest thumping.

Then I looked into his eyes. He looked at me so tenderly that I lost control and started rubbing my clitoris. I imagined us kissing deeply. I could feel my nipples hardening.

I slipped my tongue in his mouth. Our tongues touched. I moaned as I actually felt its warm touch on mine.

I crossed my legs tight and began moving my hips rhythmically. The itch down there was so nasty but so sweet. I twisted and coiled my body, winding it up tighter and tighter as I imagined our tongue swirling around each other. His lips felt so soft, his breath felt shallow and then strong. Soon I came hard. Exploded.

When I came to it, I was gasping. My chest was pounding. I laughed as I finished convulsing. What the fuck did I just do, I thought.

It had been over a year since I had orgasmed.