Love Triangle: Part Three

I was furious with Seamus for using me, but more than that, I was mad and disappointed in myself for falling for his games so easily; all he had had to do was give me one non-consensual kiss and flirt a little and I'd completely thrown all logic out of the window. What did I have to show for it except a wounded ego and a newfound cynicism?

I got over it quickly, after all, it had only been a crush; it wasn't like I had been in love with Seamus. As my feelings returned to normal and I looked back at the situation, it became clear to me that Seamus taking John back made perfect sense: they already had history - as messed up as it was. I understood that it would be easier and safer for Seamus to stick with a relationship - however toxic - that he was already familiar with in favor of branching out into unknown territory. Who was I to judge when I was exactly the same kind of person; I wasn't going to look for a new job or a new place to live just because I wasn't completely happy - the comfort of the familiar cannot be underestimated.

Fall turned to winter and then winter to spring. I've always loved the beauty of spring, especially after a miserably long and cold winter: the snow melts, everything comes back to life, the sun is shining and inviting. I could feel my cynicism melt away along with the snow, leaving me reborn and with a renewed sense of optimism toward men and dating in general. There had been a cute guy around my age that I'd matched with on one of the dating apps; his name was Parker and he was a nerd, much like I was. We exchanged numbers, but it seemed like I was always the one to initiate conversation. One spring day, I was sitting out by the burn pile smoking a cigarette, when I texted Parker to ask what he was up to that day. He responded, saying that he was planning on going to the mall; I had the day off and wanted to go to the mall myself, so I asked him if he wanted to meet up there so we could finally see each other in the flesh. His response was less than desirable: Please let me go to the mall. I was confused, since I hadn't said anything about him not going to the mall, but I understood that he was basically asking me to leave him alone - that hurt a little.

By the following winter, I was still single. I had talked to a few guys here and there, but nothing had come of it. I had a crush on a kid I worked with named Cody that I'd gotten really close with, but he had a girlfriend and swore that he was straight. My feelings for him only grew stronger the more we hung out, but I kept my options open.

I was on Grindr by that point, so instead of wallowing in Cody's rejection, I decided to go on the prowl for a new guy - or two. I was still young - and relatively thin - I figured I'd have no problem finding cute guys to flirt with. I was surprised when I opened Grindr and saw both Seamus and John on the grid; they weren't next to each other, meaning either one was at work and the other at home, or one was at his parents' house. I couldn't help but wonder if they had decided to move past the cheating ordeal - realistically, Seamus had cheated, too, and couldn't be mad at John for it - by opening up their relationship. While the idea of an open relationship immediately filled me with anger, discomfort, and jealousy, I knew that it was becoming a more common relationship type, especially among the gays. While it wasn't for me, who was I to judge what worked for other people? After all, like Carrie Bradshaw said in Sex and the City 2, "there are all kinds of relationships."

My cousin Megan and I had one of our late-night phone conversations shortly after that - the kind where I'd sneak outside and chain smoke while we talked until three or four in the morning. I was mostly whining about how Cody was giving me all of the signs that he wanted me but wouldn't man up and act on them. I mentioned to her that I had seen both Seamus and John on Grindr; what she told me almost made me drop my cigarette.

After Seamus and John had gotten back together, things had gone well for a little bit. One night very recently, they'd gone toa bar, where John got drunk and started hitting on a random guy. The guy told John that he was HIV+, but John hadn't cared. They had taken the guy home, where Seamus had sat in the living room while John took the guy with HIV into the bedroom and let the guy bareback him. After the guy left, Seamus had gone into the bedroom and also barebacked John. The next day, jealousy had boiled over and they had broken up.

I listened in shock, lighting a fresh cigarette every time I finished one. How could Seamus have been so stupid!? He had allowed John to cheat on him, but then was mad that John had done it? Not to mention to HIV part of the equation! I was never more grateful to be single with not a single prospect in sight. Being cheated on was one of my greatest fears - and obstacles - in regard to being in a relationship; there was absolutely no way I'd take my partner back after he'd cheated on me, let alone allow him to pick up a guy at the bar right in front of me. Did Seamus feel so lowly of himself that he was willing to put up with it - to a degree - for the sake of not having to be single for a while? Did they both have HIV now?

Megan was fully trying to scare me away from both Seamus and John - she is far smarter than anyone gives her credit for; she knew that with both of them single and only so many gay guys in the area, chances are that one - or both - of them would try to get with me. She told me that John had repeatedly cheated on Seamus, that he had gotten syphilis not once, but twice - the second time they'd had to fly in a special dosage of penicillin because it had been antibacterial resistant. I couldn't help but feel bad for John; I didn't know him well enough to get a good read on him but could only imagine how mortifying it must be to have already gotten and STD twice in your early twenties, on top of this new HIV scare. I knew from health class that John's chances of contracting HIV were greater than Seamus's as the bottom, but I knew that it was still possible for Seamus as well.

As fate would have it, within a few days, both Seamus and John reached out to me on Grindr. Seamus was openly flirtatious, seeming like he was happy to have the opportunity to talk to me again, while John was more low-key; he invited me to come over to his apartment to use the pool. I was tempted, since we didn't have AC at my grandma's, but I also didn't want to put myself in a situation where John could try to get sexual with me in person. I was okay with exchanging nudes on Grindr, but I had no plans to do anything in person. Neither knew that I was fully aware of the situation, and I intended to keep it that while. While Megan was a nurse, she wasn't sworn to secrecy by HIPAA since Seamus was her friend and had told her on a personal level; she'd only told me to keep me from getting involved with either one of them.

Seamus wanted to hookup, but I was only open to the possibility of giving him a hand job. Even without the HIV situation, I was still a virgin and had not given a blow job yet - I wasn't looking to change that with Seamus. He suggested driving out to my grandma's house, but I told him he couldn't come inside; my uncle, his girlfriend, and their two young kids had moved back in with us - I knew my uncle would lose his mind if I brought a guy into my room. Seamus's solution was for us to do it in his car - in the driveway. I wasn't comfortable with that; I knew that the chances of us getting busted were high - my uncle's girlfriend smoked and she was always looking to get me in trouble. I knew that my grandma wouldn't care that I was doing something sexual, but it would still make everyone involved uncomfortable. The following week, I suggested we go to a movie together and do it there, but Seamus was condescending. He said that if I'd been too afraid to do it in his car in my driveway at night, I certainly wouldn't be brave enough to pull his dick out in a dark movie theater and jerk him off; I was definitely brave enough, but he couldn't be convinced.

I was completely surprised - and uncomfortable - when Seamus asked me out again. I didn't want to tell him no - and crush his heart - but knowing what I knew, I wasn't about to get involved with him while there was still the possibility of an HIV infection. Truth be told, any romantic feelings for Seamus had dissolved after he'd hurt me the last time, but I was still open to a friends with benefits situation. Seamus talked about taking me on a walk, holding my hand, picking flowers for me - romantic stuff that immediately made my stomach turn sour. I couldn't tell him that I knew about the HIV, but I also thought it was really shitty of him to even try to start something up with me without telling me about all that.

When he finally told me, I acted like I had no clue - I didn't want to betray Megan's trust or ruin their friendship. I found myself growing increasingly annoyed as Seamus told the story and started to vilify John. He complained about how John had cheated on him and exposed him to HIV; he said that he could have HIV and it would all be John's fault, that he couldn't believe John would do that to him. I lost any cool I had and was brutally honest with him; I told him that while what John had done was wrong, it was his own fault for knowing what had happened and still playing his part in the drama. No one had made him have sex with John without a condom especially after knowing John had just been fucked by a guy with HIV - without a condom. Seamus had no one but himself to blame.

He took my criticism better than I thought he would - given his victim mentality - and started complaining to me about how hard it would be for him to find someone if he did test positive for HIV. I pointed out that there were plenty of HIV+ guys that he could date, which made Seamus angry. As he rudely - and condescendingly - 'explained' to me that an HIV+ diagnosis didn't mean that the carrier could pass it on, I grew more and more annoyed. He had gotten himself into this jam by being dumb, and now he was talking down to me like I was an idiot because I'd pointed out the flaw in his plan to make John the big bad?

Seamus wanted to get back at John, so he tagged me on Facebook as being in a relationship with him - he even went so far as to have his mom like it and comment about how much she liked me and how cute we were together. I wasn't out at that point and wasn't comfortable with the fact that John and I were friends on Facebook, knowing he'd see that and think I had just waited on the sidelines to claim Seamus. The guilt grew overwhelming; I reached out to John and confessed that I was not dating Seamus, that he had wanted to go for a walk with me, and all the sappy, romantic things he'd said that had made me want to barf. John went behind my back and told Seamus everything I'd said, which made him angry and we once again stopped speaking.

I learned from Megan that both Seamus and John ended up testing negative for HIV. While I was relieved for both of them, I knew that my actions had once again alienated Seamus and I. I was mature enough to know that I had acted out of spite, that if Seamus had proposed all of that before he'd hurt me, I'd have gushed about how ridiculously romantic he was. Still, the damage was done; I had wanted to dance, so I'd had to pay the fiddler.

As summer waned into fall, I started talking to John more. Knowing about his recurring syphilis exposure was a turn-off, but he reminded me of Niall Horan from One Direction - if I squinted. We talked on the phone most nights, and although I wasn't really looking to date him, I did find that he didn't seem all that bad once I got to know him. He acknowledged his wild past but assured me that he was ready to settle down into a real, monogamous relationship. I knew that Seamus had been his first boyfriend, that he'd been in the closet until they had started messing around; it was natural that he had gone through a 'hoe' phase. I didn't see the side of him that Seamus had told Megan about: the wild, insane, potentially violent side; he seemed sweet. I was grateful that even though he was aware that Seamus had cheated on him with me, he wasn't mad at me - he had every right to be. Seamus's infidelity with me hadn't been his first; maybe I was giving myself too much credit, but I felt that I had been the catalyst that had let to both of them being unfaithful.

Back then, I had every other Sunday off; I'd meet my friend Bree and her friends from work for dinner at the Applebee's in Bay City. One particular Sunday, I invited John; I hadn't thought that he would show - he'd said something about going to church with his parents - but I'd been pleasantly surprised when he walked in. I was still rebounding from Cody, who had moved up to the UP for college, so I was really only looking for fun and light commitment.

As John sat in the booth next to me, my hand slid over his thigh to the front of his dress pants. I watched in amusement as his eyes widened and his eyebrows shot up in surprise. I continued to rub his cock through his pants; drunk on the quiet moans he let out and the way he grew rock hard under my hand.

After dinner, we moved my car over the empty Kmart parking lot and started touching each other. I pulled his dick out and jerked it, eager to make him cum so that I could feel something - anything. While John grew hard and definitely liked what I was doing, after about ten minutes, he said, "I don't think I can cum. I'm too scared that someone is going to see us and we're going to get caught." I understood, and we sat there in silence for a few minutes before John asked if he could kiss me. I nervously confessed that I still hadn't had a proper first kiss before - I didn't bring up the non-consensual peck that Seamus had given me when I was drunk. John leaned in and, although I didn't want him to be my first kiss, I figured I might as well go for it. We made out for a few minutes before John had to leave so that he could get to bed at a decent time; he assured me that I was a really good kisser.

Bree and I planned a little celebration at Applebee's for my birthday that year. John wanted to come and offered to let me stay the night at his house; while I wasn't looking to have sex with him, the idea of getting drunk and snuggling all night didn't seem too bad. The night of the party, though, John stood me up. I called him and texted but didn't hear from him until the next day when he told me that he had started seeing someone. Once again, I was furious that I had been duped, but I reminded myself that I had never wanted anything more with John than hand jobs and maybe blow jobs.

In the end, Seamus ended up meeting a nice - and cute - guy named Zack. They got married and are happy - as far as I've heard. John is still single; we've messed around a few times, but I would never be stupid enough to let myself get vulnerable with him. If I had been able to see into the future back when Megan first mentioned Seamus, I'd have avoided both he and John like the plague. I'm not denying my own hand in the chaos, but my level of messiness was minimal compared to their shit tornadoes. In hindsight, I'm glad that it didn't work out with either of them; who knows what crazy paths my life would have taken?

Now, at almost thirty-six, I'm still single, still never had a relationship. These days, my vision of what a relationship would look like has drastically altered from what it was back then. Gone is the ridiculously romantic fantasy; I know that people are flawed, that I am flawed. I know that the perfect fairytale love does not exist. I know that with my lifestyle, finding a relationship would be hard; who would want to date an agoraphobic hermit with six cats who works six days a week and spends all of his money on designer clothes, books, movies, and action figures? It isn't fair to expect someone to only be around when I want him around; existing like an object of pleasure I only have use of when I'm in the mood.

It may be too late for me; one thing I know for certain is that while the vision of what love looks for me will alter as I continue to live and age, I will never give up hope that somewhere out in this big, crazy world, there is a freak who feels the same I do, who is just waiting to meet a guy who is equally as weird. Wouldn't that be a cool story?