Love Triangle: Part One

Once upon a time, I was a scared virgin; It seemed as though I was destined to always be, because I only wanted guys who had absolutely no interest in me. The less they cared about me, the more I wanted them. At first, it was older men - teachers in high school, and then once I got out into the world it became straight guys - but not just any straight guys, it had to be straight guys that were nice to me and seemed to be walking the fine line between straight and questioning. I'm not sure if I loved the thrill of the chase or if I felt safer in my feelings because I knew deep down that my feelings weren't reciprocated, so I wasn't really risking anything at the end of the day.

The last time I was interested in an older man, he wanted absolutely nothing to do with me, but I was too naive to see that; I convinced myself that he was just hesitant to start anything after his partner of seventeen years had left him for another man. It was during this time that my cousin Megan introduced me to her friend, James. She thought we would get along because we both had a naughty sense of humor; he was dating another CNA at the nursing him they all worked at, so Megan was hoping that he could be a good friend to me. Looking on his Facebook, I was relieved to see that James - or Seamus as Megan called him - was not my type at all. While not obese, he was thicker than I'd have preferred and seeing pictures of him with his boyfriend, John, I was confident that there wouldn't be any issues.

We chatted a little on Facebook; James knew the guy I was interested in - Jim - and while sympathetic to my feelings, he also encouraged me to go out and meet new guys, to stop feeling sorry for myself and saving all of my love and affection - and desire - on someone who wasn't readily available.

James - and John - and I met for the first time at the Soaring Eagle casino when I dragged my aunt Julie to go see Kathy Griffin - my favorite comedienne. We interacted briefly prior to the show, but I wasn't sure what to say or how to behave; I was still a complete freak when it came to social interaction. I must have made an impact, though, because James proposed we hang out soon after that and, with nothing better to do on a day off, I agreed.

At that point, I'd had a few friends over to my grandma's house - my manager at work, a few friends from high school, and my newer friend, Bree, but I'd never had a gay guy around my grandma; James wasn't overly effeminate and could definitely pass for straight - unless you had an actual conversation with him. My grandma and I had not had any kind of conversation about my sexual proclivities, which suited me just fine. I figured since nothing sexual was going to happen, it wasn't a big deal; James may as well have been a female as far as I was concerned.

James was kind enough to fix an issue with the toilet in the hallway - I figured that would help endear him to my grandma - before we went in my room. I sat on the bed, nervous, though I wasn't sure why. He walked around my room, looking at the action figures I had proudly displayed on my dresser and bookshelf. It wasn't until he opened my closet and started snooping around that I said something.

"Sorry, I'm nosy," he said unabashedly. It wasn't a trait that I was impressed with, but I did have to admire his honesty and lack of caring.

I wasn't sure what exactly we were going to do, especially since my room was tiny, with a twin sized bed. I did have a wooden chair that I'd painted dark blue to match my walls, that could be pulled over by the bed so that we could both watch TV, but I didn't want to seem like a prude. When James just climbed into the bed beside me, I couldn't help but tense up. It was a tight fit - we were snug enough that I could smell his aftershave, deodorant, and the cigarette smoke on his breath. I didn't want to seem like a freak and insist one of us sit in the chair, but I also wasn't comfortable being that close to a guy who also liked guys, even if he did have a boyfriend.

I proposed we watch Titanic - one of my favorite movies, but as James looked down at my DVD collection, he spotted a movie called The Hole. "What's this?" he asked, intrigued.

"It's a gay porn parody of The Ring," I replied, embarrassed. Even though I knew that masturbation was a normal, healthy human habit, I didn't feel comfortable discussing it.

"Seriously?"

"Yeah. You watch the tape, you get a call saying 'you're gay' and then in seven days' time, you're gay."

"Let's watch it," James said, standing up to pop the disk out of its case and into the DVD player.

"I haven't watched all of it," I confessed, "but the nudity is kind of edited out."

"What do you mean?"

"Apparently, Amazon doesn't actually sell porn, so it's like an edited cut," I explained. Honestly, I didn't think it was a good idea to watch guys having sex when we were two gay guys crammed into a tiny bed, but I wasn't sure how to deter James.

We watched the first fifteen minutes or so - and commented on the editing done on the initial sex scene - before I started to feel my eyelids get heavy. We decided to pause the movie; I woke up some time later snuggled into James's chest. "I'm sorry," I said, moving as far away as I could on the twin mattress.

"It's fine," James replied with a sly smile. "What do you want to do now?"

"I don't know."

James suddenly reached over and cupped my dick in his hand. For a second, I tensed up, before I felt myself relax. He looked at me, his eyes glowing mischievously. To prove I wasn't a prude, I reached over and cupped his dick. Before I knew it, James grabbed me and rolled me so that I was straddling him. He gazed up at me lasciviously, which seemed to make all of my logic fly out of the proverbial window. What the hell was I doing? I knew that James had a boyfriend; I didn't want to break them up, and I certainly didn't want to be the other woman - or guy.

James's hands started moving on me and any reservations I had melted away. "What are we doing?" I asked, my voice husky. "Hand jobs?" I figured hand jobs didn't technically count as cheating, or, at least, didn't rate as high on the cheating scale; I had to be able to live with myself afterward. He mumbled something that I couldn't hear. "What?" I asked, giggling as I leaned into his face, trying to hear him better.

"I'm not doing anything to you. I have a boyfriend," James sneered.

Instantaneously, I was filled with rage. I rolled off of him and crossed my arms over my chest. "You're a fucking asshole," I said, clenching my jaw in anger. How could he do that to me? How could he lead me on and then shut me down, making it look like I was the one who had started this? I felt naked, stripped bare and exposed. Even though it was just James and I in the room, I felt like the world was judging me, that for all my talk of being "good" I was as flawed as everyone else. I had been so willing to throw away my morals because a guy - that I wasn't even into - had touched my dick.

"Oh, come on," he said, laughing. "It's not a big deal."

"It is a big deal," I snapped, rolling my eyes. I was mortified. I wanted to disappear, to go back in time and undo the last five minutes; certainly to go back and insist that one of us stayed in the chair. Was I naive for thinking that this had all been an innocent hangout? Was it possible for two men who liked men to be together without it becoming sexual?

James sat up; I was instantly filled with relief. I thought he was going to get up and say that he should head home, but instead, he said, "I need a cigarette."

I followed him outside. My grandma didn't know that I'd recently started smoking; she'd have killed me if she'd known. I led us behind the big willow tree so that if my she did happen to come out - or look out - she wouldn't be able to see that I was smoking. I didn't care if she was James smoking; he had gone outside to be respectful - that was all she would care about.

"I can't believe that happened," I muttered, looking anywhere but at James.

"It's not a big deal. Don't beat yourself up about it," he exhaled in a cloud of cigarette smoke.

I wanted to scream at him that it was a big deal! I had always prided myself on my strong moral compass; how could I say that now that I'd participated in cheating? I hadn't even put up that much of a fight; was I fraud? Had my so-called morals only been in place because the opportunity to act immorally just hadn't presented itself yet?

After we finished our respective cigarettes, we went back inside. I threw myself down on the bed, still beating myself up about my actions. James watched me for a second before he crawled on top of me and started kissing my ear. I was still angry, but I felt it simmering as he sucked my ear into his mouth and tongued the shell. When I squirmed, he pulled away. "Did you like that?" he asked softly, his voice suddenly deeper and more primal.

"Uh, I don't know. It was...different," I said, trying to get my chaotic mind to form any kind of cohesive thought. This was bad. I needed to tell him to leave and then block his number. Nothing good was going to come from being around James. Even if we didn't have sex, we were still cheating, or at least he was. Why couldn't I muster up the strength and courage to tell him no? It wasn't even like I was attracted to him!

I felt his hand move down the front of my shorts and start stroking my erection. "It seems like you liked it." I wanted to say something, to protest, but I couldn't. The proof was in the pudding. I wanted to tell him to stop, but, as much as I hated to admit it, his hand on my crotch felt good. James waited a few seconds before he pulled my dick out; I glared down at the traitorous appendage but gasped in surprise -and delight - when he slipped it into his mouth.

James moved up and down slowly, the thinning spot on the top of his head rising and falling in my line of vision. Is this what head feels like? I wondered, confused. Sure, James's mouth was warm and wet, but other than that, I didn't feel much of anything at all - except guilt.

After a few minutes, his phone rang. James lifted his head and then popped my dick out of his mouth. "It's John," he said, answering it.

"Don't answer it!" I hissed, covering up my dick as if John would be able to see it through the phone.

"Where are you!?" I could hear John's shrill voice from my position on the bed.

"I'm still at Gabe's house. We're watching Titanic." As James lied to his boyfriend, he laconically stroked my cock. "Yeah, it's almost over. We've got...maybe forty-five minutes left?"

"Well, I want to see you!" John shrieked.

As I lay there listening, the guilt crept up even higher. Sure, John sounded annoying and clingy, but really, he had a right to be; his boyfriend was hanging out with another gay guy - alone. I couldn't even be offended that he didn't trust me because, obviously, he shouldn't.

James quickly ended the call and then went back to sucking my dick. It still didn't feel great, but it wasn't bad by any means. Just cum so that this can be over! I told myself, trying to force my orgasm. Through the silence - except for the sloppy suction noises that James was making - I could hear my grandma's footsteps in the hallway outside my door. Shit! Suddenly, I felt myself getting close, but I couldn't say anything - in case my grandma heard it - so I tapped the bald spot on top of James's head. He continued sucking until I blew my load into his mouth.

James lifted his head, an annoyed look on his face. "You could have given me some warning!" he snapped, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

"My grandma was walking down the hall; she would have heard. I tapped your head, what did you think that meant? I saying 'good job!'" I hissed, annoyed.

James stood up and stretched. "Well, I should get going," he said, grabbing his keys. Relief washed over me - I wouldn't be expected to reciprocate.

"Yeah." I quickly pulled my pants up, and, once again not looking at James, led the way outside.

"We'll talk soon," he said, pulling me into a hug.

Grudgingly, I returned the hug. "Yeah," I muttered. I didn't really want to see him again, not after what had just happened between us.

As James got into his car and drove way, I couldn't help but feel like I had just started something that was going to haunt my life for quite a while.