Leap of Faith

It was New Year's Eve she sat in her chair and thought about him. After knowing him for years their feelings had grown into a burning desire of love. She felt he was the one for her. She had never felt the way she did with him safe, loved, protected and most of all wanted. Over the last 3 months they had begun talking more than the casual greetings and communications. Over the years of seeing him once every four weeks for his hair cut and hair removal, they had developed a strong friendship. She knew he didn’t know her whole story of her past and present relationships and was very uncertain if he would even want anything to do with her if and when he found out. You see she had really been in a bad place in her life and had married for the wrong reasons almost like a punishment to herself for her bad decisions in her past. She had been down and out, homeless and done things she wasn’t proud of during that time. He of course had no idea of any of this but knew he enjoyed seeing her over the years and felt a very special sense of connection to her. He himself had not been such an angel and had been in relationships that he really didn’t want to be in but really had no better option.

He sat there on New Year’s Eve evening in a house with 5 people in it and yet never felt more alone in his life. His thoughts were of her and her smile, her eyes and the way she looked at him when he saw her. He knew the hurt he felt in his chest was unlike anything he had ever experienced before. He had talk to, dated, seen plenty of women in his days but absolutely no one had ever made him feel like this. When he knew, he was going to see her he got butterflies and very anxious. He would question himself asking “what the hell is wrong with you?” He struggled with why she had this effect on him every day. He thought about all the years he had gone to see her and evaluated all the conversations they had over the years. He knew the way he was drawn to her was so unique and different, so raw and emotion filled that I scared him a little. See he had a military back ground and had served in combat situations, had been in extreme duress with enemy fire. He had a shield of toughness and a strong mental disconnect he had been forced to develop over the years. Somehow, she had ripped right thru all of the layers of toughness and disconnect and exposed he just needed to be shown true love.

As he sat there he reflected on his life over the last year and how messed up things were. His former girlfriend had left him and the kids granted the kids were almost adults but she just up and left. He did a lot of self-evaluations during the summer after she left. The one thing he knew was that this new yet not new person in his life was someone totally different and he had to explore where this could go. He knew that talking to her the last few months seemed very comfortable and almost like they had known each other since they were kids. He knew she was married but nothing more about it and wasn’t sure this could even be a possibility. Would she really be talking to him if she were happy? Was there more to her story he needed to know? He struggled with all the what if’s and it can’t be's that his mind could imagine. But he knew he wanted to explore every possibility he could with her.

She sat there that night and worried about what he might say if he knew about her past and her present. She knew he was aware she was married. But she knew that she wanted to take a chance on what they could become and that meant a chance on him not rejecting her but she had to be honest with him if it was going to work. She looked across the room and down the hall where she could see her husband. She had no desire to be married to him and really never did have a desire but it was herself torture for the poor choices she had made. She now regretted it more than ever because of the man she could see herself with for all time. So how would she word everything? Would he even answer if she sent him something so bold and honest? She wasn’t sure but knew she had to find out.

She wondered what he was doing, would he be home on New Year's Eve? She struggled with the thought of sending him a message. She felt being this particular night it might be too intrusive. She had to know, was there someone else? Was he feeling the same way? Would he even answer her if she was so bold as to be honest and lay all her cards on the table? She had been working on trying to tell him for some time now but had never been able to. A few weeks ago, she had the courage and had asked him to stop by she was prepared to lay it all out there. He was not available when she was ready. She had begun to type out a long-detailed message that would tell him everything he would need to know about her, it would totally expose her and the choices and struggles as well as the demons in her past. The abuse she had been subject to was well beyond what most would even begin to imagine possible.

He was about to make some popcorn and settle in to watch a movie before the ball drop when his phone went off with a message. He figured it was one of his buddies trying to get him to come out to the bar. He finished making his food and got a drink then got the movie all set to watch and decided to check his message. His heart raced and his eyes lit up when he saw it was her that had sent the message. He opened it with great enthusiasm. The message was simple and short it read “Hope you're having a happy New Year's Eve and being safe.” He paused and thought, what do I answer? Is she out with friends or her hubby? Is she home and doing nothing? So many thoughts raced through his mind of where she was and what she was doing. He decided the best reply was just tell her the truth. He wrote a message back that said “I am safe staying home going to watch a movie, hope you are safe and have a happy new year as well.” He waited for any type of response to come from her. He turned the movie off and waited patiently in hope she would answer.

Her phone went off and she got excited she read it and replied right away. Over the next couple of hours, they messaged back and forth making idle chit chat. Talking about current events and such. The conversation stayed fairly light until he complemented her on an outfit she had worn. She knew then that he was interested most guys would have paid no attention to that outfit, it wasn’t super sexy it was decently flattering to her figure but nothing special. She then realized he was looking for a reason to complement her and had been noticing her. She had feelings for him for a very long time but never acted on them or brought them up but now he was showing her he had the same feeling too. She thought long and hard about it and decided to ask him this question “can I share something personal with you?” He saw the message and responded quickly with “of course you can you may share anything you want to." She decided she needed to send the message and lay it all out. She copied and pasted the messaged she had spent to long typing up, it detailed out the abuse, the low self-esteem, the poor choices and the self-torture she had endured. Her nerves where raging and she hit send.

His phone went off again and when he opened it and began to read it, he was flooded with such emotion. He read it several time to make sure he fully understood it. He began to type with such a flurry and when he was done, he read it twice to ensure his words were perfect. When he was satisfied, he hit send and waited. Her phone when off she opened it and began to see his words which said ….............