Illusions

“Girl I’m so sick of him and all his shit!” “Whatever! You and that nigga will be loving and slurping each other up later on.” “No ma’am! That is over with. I’m fed up. Like seriously. All this walking around feeling like I’m a damn fool is over with. That shit is hurtful.” “You’re saying that now. You two will be on the gram later on.”

This was always the conversation between me and my best friend. See, I’m currently in a situation; I would call this a relationship, but I’m not so sure about that at this point. Don’t get me wrong, I love him. I really do; however, it’s only so much I can take. Like I’m going all out of my way to make sure this man is straight and making sure he never wants or hurts for anything. I try to give out some bomb ass sex when I can. I try to relax his mind with a massage every now and then and conversations. Overall, I try my best to show him I care and I’m down for him. Still somehow, I just feel like it’s not enough. I feel like he is hard to please. He says he’s not, I beg to differ.

There’s been several instances that have made me question his love and loyalty to me. I try not to jump to conclusions, because sometimes things aren’t always what they seem. In this case, I’m not so sure that’s true. I’m starting to see that with him, everything is exactly what it seems. I try to talk myself out of overthinking. I’ll say something like “Naw, he wouldn’t do that to you.” or “He cares about you too much to disrespect you like that.” Every time, I end up eating my words. In the ultimate end I always end up feeling like an ass. I really have no one to blame except for myself. I try to give everyone and every situation the benefit of the doubt. I often say this character flaw will be the death of me one day. I know, it’s a harsh thing to say; however, I have no other way to put it.

Then there is the mother of his kids. Now I’ve never been the type to come between a man and his relationship with his kids or the mother for that matter. In this situation, it is too much to bear. It’s like she’s holding on to hope that they will work it out and they will be this big happy family. While that’s not a bad hope to have, he validates this mess. This wouldn’t be an issue if he put her in her place and let her know my position in his life. Somehow, I think she feels as if he doesn’t take me seriously and I’m just something to do. Unfortunately, I often feel this way as well. It’s like he does nothing to correct her behavior. He acts as if this is the way it has to be in order for him to be in his kids lives. I’ve told him several times she has way too much emotional control over him. He claims she doesn’t; however, everyone but him observes this. I try to steer clear; however, jumping in my inbox on Facebook makes it very difficult to maintain this.

Funny thing is, I’ve never said anything disrespectful to her. She takes upon herself to reach out to me on Facebook. She’d say things like “I’ve taken him from previous girls so tread carefully.” or “My baby daddy has a smooth talk game and is always lying.” At first I was like this bitch really doesn’t know who she fucking with. Every dude I’ve dealt with falls head over hills for me. They almost always regret when they fuck up. I’m thinking I got this nigga on lock and he’s not going anywhere. Boy was I silly for thinking this. While I have no proof he’s had sexual relations with her while we’re together, I can’t shake my intuition. Another annoying character flaw. Steve Harvey often says women have intuition for a reason and we should follow it. I happen to ignore mine until I have physical proof. I chalk mine up to overthinking or jumping to conclusions. Crazy right? Yes, I know. Anyway, I digress. I just feel like he puts her role before mine and I honestly feel like a fucking idiot.

Every time we get into an argument, his body language becomes so aggressive. It’s annoying! It's so much I want to say, but I refrain. I let it be. It may seem like I’m not standing up for myself, but trust me, that is the furthest thing from the truth. It’s really hard to argue with someone who sees absolutely nothing wrong with what they are doing. It’s the equivalent of talking to yourself in the mirror. Majority of the time, it’s like why bother. What I don’t understand is, I let this nigga do what he needs to do and I don’t trip. The minute I go do something for myself or treat myself, I get funny looks. The tone of conversations switch tremendously.

“Good evening ma’am, how may I help you today?” I heard a voice say behind me. I turned around and was almost taken aback. This beautiful specimen of a man that stood before my eyes had to be an illusion. This brother was about 6’1, smooth dark skin, slightly high cheekbones that accentuated his dimples, pretty white teeth and a smile bright enough to light this whole room. First off let me just say this, I am not the cheating type. I’ve been on the receiving end of that twice. It’s not a pretty feeling. I don’t condone anyone who does cheat and I do not find it humorous when someone is on the receiving end of it.

I stood there gazing into this man’s eyes and the thoughts that ran through my head at that moment told me I needed to hurry up and get out of there. “I’m fine, I’m trying to find batteries. Do you know what aisle you keep them on?” I finally replied. I studied his face for a few more seconds and realized this man hadn’t heard a thing I just said. He was too busy getting an eye full of my body. He looked me up and down and smirked. That told me the feeling was mutual. I tensed up. I could feel the rush of heat flow through my body. I snapped my fingers three times and motioned for his eyes to redirect themselves on my face. I let out a small cough and said, “Excuse me, sir. The batteries? What aisle do you keep them on?” “Oh I’m sorry ma’am, I got blown away by your beauty. May I ask if you’re single?” Lord, I was not ready for that question.

It seemed so easy right then to just lie. Considering all of the bullshit my current boyfriend was putting me through, a part of me would have felt very justified. Sadly, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. “No, I’m not single. I have a boyfriend.” I finally replied. I detected a bit of disappointment in his demeanor. I felt a bit of stupidity run through me. I mean all these feelings I’m having of my man cheating on me and I turn down a potential good man. This man could be my knight in shining armour and here I am trying to be the good girl. I often ask myself why. Like why do I feel the need to remain faithful to a person who can’t even respect. He smirked at me again before asking, “Can we be friends?” Before I could catch myself, I quickly replied, “Sure, I’d like that.”

A few moments later, I found myself sitting in my car smiling from ear to ear. We’d exchanged numbers before I paid for my items and I have been blushing ever since. The eagerness in me wanted to text him right away. I had to stop myself. I had to pull myself together. I know some will say this is the start of cheating. I’d like to think of it as something refreshing. As long as we kept it platonic, I didn’t see the harm. I decided I’d let him text me first. Since I’m the one in the relationship, I had to play things cool and not make myself seem so “available”. In the midst of my drifting deeper into my thoughts, my phone buzzed. I instantly became irritated at the name that popped up. It was my boyfriend. I rolled my eyes and let out a heavy sigh. “What the fuck do you want now?” I said as I grabbed my phone out of the cupholder. I scrolled my screen up to read the message. My irritation surpassed any other. This nigga was always asking me to do dumb shit. This fool wants me to meet his mother in Lake City to get some paperwork for him. I didn’t even bother to reply. I set my phone back down in my cup holder and pretended like I didn’t even see it.

Still frustrated from that stupid text I just received, I decided going home was not the best option for me. I thought about texting the guy I’d just met to ask if he wanted to meet up for drinks. I decided against it. I was going to treat this like some me time. To be completely honest, I’m just not in the mood for male company right now. At that very moment all males were annoying. I couldn’t wait to get to the restaurant and have a few drinks. I pulled up to Boston’s. This place never let me down when it comes to drinks. I could come in here, have a few trash cans (that’s the name of the drink) and laugh at people doing karaoke. Ultimately, this would be the highlight of my night.

The next morning, I opened my eyes and instantly panicked. I had no idea where I was, I just knew I wasn’t home. None of my surroundings looked familiar. I looked down and noticed I was still completely dressed. I breathed a sigh of relief. I quickly jumped up, grabbed my shoes and bolted for the door. I was stopped dead in my tracks by a familiar voice. “Where are you rushing off to?” he asked. I turned around and to my surprise this man did not have a shirt on. I couldn’t help but stare at his chest. If definition was a chest, he’d have won the trophy. This man’s chest was so perfectly ripped, it was a sin.

His smooth dark skin continued. I couldn’t help but make way down to the perfectly shaped V that was forming over his gym shorts. I swallowed hard. “How did I get here?” I stammered. He looked at me peculiarly. I returned the stare. “So you really don’t remember last night?” he retorted. I stared at him, confused by his question. He let out a dry laugh. I still stared at him, my confusion turning to frustration. “Ma, you called me to come get you. You said you were too drunk to drive and asked if I could come and take you home. I came when I got off work. I brought you here because by the time I pulled out of the parking lot, you were asleep. I picked you up, brought you in the house and put you on the sofa. I checked on you periodically to see if you’d wake up, but you didn’t. I let you sleep.” he explained.

I felt like a total fool. I had gotten that drunk that I didn’t remember anything. I felt more foolish for thinking the horrible things that had crossed my mind. “I’m so sorry. I’ve never been that drunk. I think the stresses of everything I’ve been dealing with came to a head last night. I guess I was trying to numb it all.” I explained. “Ma, it’s fine. You don’t have to explain anything to me. I completely understand.” he replied. We both smiled at each other. For a minute, things felt strange. It’s almost as if we knew each other’s deepest passions. We gazed into each other so heavily. He came closer and stood over me. The scent of his cologne or lotion was so refreshing. I looked up into his eyes and he kissed me. As bad as I wanted to stop him, I couldn’t. I let him continue. A few seconds passed and he finally released my lips. Before I could catch my breath, he leaned in and kissed me harder. Next thing I know, I’m being lifted off my feet and my legs wrapped around his waist.

He held on to me via my thighs and we made our way over to the couch. He gently placed me down and kneeled down in front of me. His kisses moved all over my body. His hands roamed my body and made their way down to my vagina. If pussy pleaser was a sport, this man could easily come in first place. His fingers swirled around my clit and I went crazy. I opened my eyes and noticed he was staring at me. I stared back. Trying to hold my moans in, I bit my bottom lip. He sensed what I was doing and inserted what felt like two fingers inside of me. I couldn’t help myself. I was gushing everywhere. The sensation going through my body was too hard to handle. Then he did what I was hoping he wouldn’t. He put his tongue on my clit and it didn’t take long for me to wet up his couch. I grabbed his head and started thrusting my vagina into his mouth until I felt myself about to climax. He put his hands on my waist and held me down. He slurped up all of me. I had cum so hard, I was drained. I tried to regain my composure, but it was of no use. This man had me under a spell that I wasn’t ready to be released from.

After a few more climaxes, he finally released me. He stood up and I couldn’t help but notice the bulge in his shorts. Let me just say, this man was about to give me something I wasn’t ready for. I tried to get up, but my body was not having it. This man had given me the best head of my life. I wasn’t sure how to take that. I sat there for a few more seconds, before I went to go clean up. I asked if I could use his shower and he pointed me in the direction to do so. I also asked if I could wash my clothes at his house and he obliged. He gave me one of his T-shirts to walk around in until my clothes were finished.

While preparing the shower to the right temperature, he walked in. I don’t know why I did this, but I quickly pulled the shirt down covering my body. He laughed. After realizing what I had just done, I laughed as well. “It’s not like I haven’t already seen, felt and tasted what you had to offer.” he said. I laughed. I seductively started to tease him. I inched my shirt up slowly until my bare ass was exposed. He stood there licking his lips. I proceeded to continue until my breasts were exposed. Before I could finish, he was on his knees, kissing both of my ass cheeks. I smirked. He had his hands around my waist as he placed small kisses all over my ass cheeks. He turned me around and placed both my breasts in his mouth. His fingers made their way back to my vagina. Having flashbacks of what occurred a few moments ago on his couch, my vagina got all gushy again. I tried to push his hand away, but he pinned both my hands on the side of my body. I couldn’t do anything but take it. I climaxed so hard, my body went limp on his shoulder.

He put his arms around me and slowly got up. We both got in the shower. He finally put me down and I felt the heat from the water invade my body. He pulled me closer to him and I felt his dick on my back. I turned around and started stroking him gently. I watched as his body relaxed and his head tilted backwards. I dropped to my knees and put him in my mouth. He tasted so good. I started sucking harder and faster. I put my hand around him to enhance the sensation. I could tell he was about to cum, because he quickly moved me out of the way. I jumped up a little annoyed by his actions. I wanted to taste all of him. Instead I had to watch it go down the drain. He pulled me by my hair and nibbled on my neck. I’m not sure what this man was made of, but I felt his dick pointing on my back again. He bent me over and entered me from behind. I climaxed so fast, I was almost embarrassed. I tried to hold my moans in. That made him go harder. I knew then, that we were in for a long morning.

I pulled into my driveway and breathed a sigh of relief. My boyfriend was not home. After the 37 missed calls and 42 text messages I had received, I’m pretty sure I was the last person he wanted to see. To be quite frank, I really didn’t care. After the morning I just endured, nothing or no one was going to ruin this. I was relaxed and feeling good. I sat for a minute, trying to muster up the energy to go into this house. With everything in me, I gathered my belongings and pried myself out of the car. I turned to close my door and instantly got annoyed. I had to prepare myself to walk up these stairs. I know you’ll call me lazy for complaining about going up three measly stairs. If you had a man to put it on you the way that man did, you’d definitely understand.

When I finally entered my house, a dreadful feeling invaded my aura. I looked around and felt something off in my atmosphere. I thought it may have been my imagination, so I carefully looked around my space. I noticed my boyfriend’s clothes were still here, so that wasn’t the issue. Nothing seemed out of place, yet I still had this feeling. It was as if someone was watching me. It was almost like they were closer than I thought. I put all my stuff down on the bed and went back to the front window. His car wasn’t in the driveway, so I didn’t think he was home. I doubt if he let anyone use it. Between me and you, his phone and car is his life support system. He wouldn’t be caught dead without either one.

I walked around the house, peering in every room, every closet, every space that could be a potential hiding spot. Surprisingly, no one was here but me. I shrugged the feeling off and went back to my room. Thankfully, I had taken a shower at his house, so there was no need for me to do that. One benefit to that is if he was here, it would kill the suspicion. I saw the massive mess on the bed and became overwhelmed. My first mind was to push all this mess to the other side and just say to hell with it. Unfortunately, I knew I’d never be able to sleep comfortably, so I proceeded to clean it up. When I finally saw the bed cleared off, sleep jumped on me like a ninja. It was like I couldn’t get my clothes off fast enough. I knew this sleep was about to be epic. I was still a little hungover, so this would be exactly what I needed to get rid of this lingering headache.

A few hours later, I rolled over to find my boyfriend asleep in bed next to me. Just as I was switching positions to go back to sleep, he threw his arm around me and pulled me closer to him. Suddenly, I was no longer sleepy. Don’t get me wrong, this is in fact one of the best feelings in the world. The problem is, I no longer desired this from him anymore. When I wanted him to do all of these things in the beginning, he complained about it. He argued at me, told me I was being dramatic and overreacting. You may think it’s because I’ve had sex with my new fling. Honestly, it’s not that. I’ve been trying to force myself to fall back in love with my boyfriend. Lately it’s been seeming like a moot point.

It seems now the only thing we have in common is sex. I absolutely love sex with my boyfriend. The only problem is I don’t get enough of it. I try lingerie, massages, dancing around seductively, videos, photos, anything sexy, I’ve tried. Sometimes it yields the results I want, most of the time, it yields nothing. Normally I’ll end with “Baby I’ll make it up to you tomorrow. I’m tired.” or “I’ll be out late tonight, so don’t wait up for me.” Many nights, I fall asleep alone or letting my toy help me out. Don’t get me wrong, the toy does what it needs to, but it does not replace a real man’s touch. I crave that. I desire that. I need that.

I laid back down and stared at the television. I honestly had no idea what was on there as I really wasn’t paying attention. My mind was in a thousand places at one time. I was really trying to figure out this clusterfuck I had gotten myself into. Here I am laying next to one man and heavily desiring another one. The crazy part is, the other man I’m desiring, I want no emotional connection with. For me, it’s strictly sex. A part of me is concealing my emotions in hopes that I fall back in with my boyfriend. While I don’t feel the same way I once did for my boyfriend, I don’t hate him either. I think that is what makes it so hard for me to leave. If I hated or despised him, it would be easy for me to walk away.

I guess I must have been heavily lost in my thoughts because a few seconds later, my boyfriend was yelling at me, “So you don’t hear me talking to you? Hello? Earth to Tara!” I turned over and glared at him. “What is wrong with you and why are you yelling at me?” I snapped. He sat there for a minute with a confused look on his face. I returned the stare. Finally he says, “So you didn’t hear anything I just asked you?” “No, Andre, what did you ask me?” I replied. He sucked his teeth and got out of the bed. I quickly sat up. “Where are you going?” I asked. “Oh now you want to pay me some attention? I’ve been sitting here talking to you and you’ve been ignoring me.” he snapped. I rolled my eyes and laid back down. I just didn’t have the energy for this argument. I already knew where this was going.

“So you still don’t have anything to say?” he asked again, this time his frustration becoming more prevalent. “Say about what?” I replied, this time heavily annoyed. He rushed over to my side of the bed and stood over me. I sensed the tension between us boiling over so I backed down. I didn’t even bother to try and sit up. “You better watch your mouth talking to me.” he hissed. I still didn’t look in his direction. I lay there glancing at the television. Before I could reach for the remote, I felt his hands around my throat. I tried desperately to pry his hands from around my throat as I felt the air being choked from me. All I could see was him on top of me and his eyes bulging out of the socket. I still didn’t reply. When he finally got off of me, I turned over and pulled the covers over my head. I could still feel his presence in the room, so I lay there motionless. I remained still until I no longer felt his presence.

My boyfriend has a complex. He has a thing about feeling disrespected. I’ve tried to tell him several times, being violent towards me will not yield the results you want. He’s done that so many times, it’s like now, I’m immune to it. The first time I cried because I was honestly confused by his actions. I had no idea what made him turn that way. Sadly, most of our arguments end that way.

When I was sure he was gone, I threw the covers off of me and grabbed my phone. To my surprise, my new fling had called me three times and sent me seven text messages. All of them telling me how he wanted me to come back and spend more time with him. My mood instantly perked up. I hurried out of the bed and hoped in the shower. I packed an overnight bag just in case I was in for a long night again. I glanced around the house to make sure I hadn’t forgotten anything and to ensure all lights were off. Once I was finished, I made a beeline for the door. I couldn’t wait to relax my nerves in his hot tub.

Just as I cranked my car up to leave, my boyfriend was pulling back into the driveway. I felt a rush of heat jolt through my body and my stomach tensed up. I wasn’t sure how to feel, I was just hoping he didn’t see the bag. I watched as he made his way over to my car. I cracked the window to see what he wanted. “Can you come into the house so we can talk?” he asked. “No Andre. I don’t want to talk right now. Let me out.” I retorted. “Look, I’m sorry about putting my hands on you. I had no business doing that.” he explained. I rolled my eyes and let out a heavy sigh. This was not the first time I had heard this from him. I was not moved. “Where are you going?” he asked. “I’m going out for a few.” I replied reluctantly. “Who are you going with?” he asked. I instantly became annoyed. Why was he so concerned with where I was going? I never get in his business, I just want the same courtesy. “I’m going out with a few friends. We’re going to have a few drinks.” I stated. He glared at me. “The last time you went out for drinks, you didn’t come home.” he stated. “And your point? It’s plenty of nights you don’t come home. What’s the problem?” I snapped. Without hesitation, he calmly backed away from my car and walked back to his. I rolled up my window and cut my radio up. As he backed his car out of the driveway, I drove out. At that very moment, he was the furthest thing from my mind. I couldn’t wait to get to relaxation and zen.

“Ma you smell good. What do you have on?” was all I heard as the steam invaded my pores. “Well, I had on citrus melon before I got in this tub with you.” I replied. He chuckled lightly. I snuggled deep into his chest and let the hot water relax me even more. Nothing in the world could replace this feeling I had right now. This was a feeling beyond cloud nine. A few seconds passed before he motioned for me to sit up. I eased up a bit. I turned to see what he was doing and noticed he was getting out of the tub. Confused, I asked, “Where are you going?” “Ma, I’ll be right back.” he replied. I sat back in the tub and watched as he exited the bathroom. It was a beautiful sight indeed. This man’s body was so mesmerizing, all I could do was think of him inside of me. I envisioned every way I wanted this man to fuck me. Some were off the wall, some were just remixed. All I know is I wanted this man all to myself.

A few moments later, he came back into the bathroom. The problem is he wasn’t alone. A female emerged from behind him. I instantly sat up. “Trey who is that?” I asked. “This is a friend of mine. I asked her to come over and join us.” he explained. I looked at him strange. I wasn’t sure what this man’s angle was, but I wasn’t going for it. “Join us for what?” I asked. I guess he sensed my apprehension because his demeanor changed. “I wasn’t trying to disrespect you or anything. I like having threesomes and she’s into it as well. I probably should have asked you first. I didn’t think you’d have a problem with it.” he replied. I glared at him. A threesome! Really! What is with guys these days? Why on earth do they think every woman they come across is into shit like this. For those who are, more power to you; however, that is not my cup of tea. I prefer to have my man all to myself. I am not sharing a dick.

I grabbed the towel off the rack and carefully exited the tub. “Yea, I’m not with this shit. You two can do this, I’m out.” I replied. I grabbed my bag and went to his room. I dried off so fast, a few parts of my body were still damp. I didn’t care. I threw my clothes on so fast, I’m sure something was on backwards. I grabbed my bag and dashed out the door. Before I could get to the front door, he grabbed me. “Ma I’m sorry. I didn’t know you’d feel this way. Most of the chics I run into are into it and don’t have a problem. I didn’t mean to disrespect you.” he explained frantically. I wasn’t trying to hear any of that. “The problem with men is that you don’t take the time to actually get to know the woman you’re dealing with. You all assume we’re all the same and we like the same things. I’m here to tell you that is the furthest thing from the truth. I mistook you for someone you’re not and for that I apologize.” I retorted. He stood in front of me blocking the door. I calmly asked him to move. He refused. “I’m not letting you leave.” he stated. “Trey, like seriously move out of my way!” I demanded. “No Tara! I’m not letting you leave! Look, I apologize for the way things went down a few minutes ago. I should have asked you first. That was my fault. I will never disrespect you again. I promise.” he pleaded. Under normal circumstances, this would be a no brainer. I would leave with no hesitation. For some reason though, with him, it was different. I no longer had a desire to want to leave.

“Oh my God! I’m about to cum!” was the only thing echoing through his apartment. After that fiasco that went down in the bathroom moments earlier, I wasn’t sure how to feel. I told myself that this would be nothing more than physical. This would only be sex and I would not get my feelings wrapped up into him. The way he puts it down every time we are in the bedroom makes me second guess that decision. It’s like I don’t want anyone but me to get this good dick. Just the thought of another woman bouncing up and down on him makes my skin crawl. I guess my thoughts were starting to affect this sex session because I felt my pussy tightening up. He slowly eased out of me and started planting gentle kisses all over me. He nibbled on my neck for a few seconds before making his way to my ears. “You had enough?” he whispered oh so seductively. “Baby I can take as much as you want to give me.” I replied. He glanced down at me and smirked. He continued planting kisses all over my body until he made his way between my legs. Whatever I was thinking about prior to this portion of the sex session had just gone away. My body tenses up and his tongue made circles around my clit. I gripped the pillow so tight I almost broke my nail. I then proceeded to caress his head while his tongue made my body squirm. I felt the climax coming on so strong, I throw the pillow over my face. He snatched it back. I tried to sit up and escape his grip, it was no use. A few seconds later, my pussy was squirting so hard, even he had to sit up a bit. “Damn babe! You were holding that one in huh?” he asked, jokingly. Embarrassed, I felt my body warming up. He sensed this and came up to kiss my forehead. “Ma, it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. That shit sexy as hell.” he stated. I appreciated his attempt to console me. The problem was actually deeper than he thinks.

Sitting home alone in my bed had me feeling some type of way. Here it is a week before Valentine’s Day, and my boyfriend is making no effort to show me any attention. I haven’t talked to Trey since the last time we had sex. That’s been almost two weeks. I had to distance myself from him. I found myself lusting after him way too much. I found myself wanting to be next to him everyday, every hour, every second. I know it was just the sex having my mind going like that. I felt the only way to get rid of these feelings was to take a break. So, I did that. I figured I’d focus my attention on trying to fix my relationship with my current boyfriend. His constant absence is making it real hard to do.

I called his phone to find out where he was and what time he was coming home. It went straight to voicemail. I called again, this time it rang twice and went straight to voicemail. At this point, I feel like he’s ignoring me. I call once more, just to make sure I’m not overplaying anything. This time it rings all the way through until the voicemail picks up. I sent him a text: “I know you see me calling you! Quit ignoring me and answer your phone!” I toss my phone in front of me and wait for a reply. A few moments passed and my phone buzzed. I quickly picked it up thinking it was him. To my surprise, it was Trey. He was begging me to speak to him. While I was trying to avoid doing that, my boyfriend’s actions were making it much harder to control it. I closed out the message without replying. I tossed my phone back on the bed. Just as I got up to go use the restroom, my phone rang. I rushed to the bed and grabbed it. Without even looking at the screen I answered, “So you don’t see me calling you!” “I was about to ask you the same thing. What’s up, why are you ignoring me?” Trey said. I sat quiet for a few minutes. I was not expecting him to be on the other end of this call. Now I have to play this off. “Trey, what are you doing?” I asked. “Trying to see what’s up with you. I’ve been calling you and texting. I’m getting no reply or being sent to voicemail.” he replied. “I’m sorry, things on my end have become so hectic, I needed to find my focus.” I explained. “Ma, I understand that. You don’t have to ignore me though. I want to see where me and you can go.” he stated. I was taken aback by his response. “See where me and him can go?” I really didn’t know how to respond to that.

The conversation between me and Trey had my head spinning. I really wasn’t expecting him to catch feelings. I thought the feeling was mutual when I decided not to pursue this any further than what it was. I’ve never been the type to play with anyone’s feelings and I wasn’t about to start now. I told him that I needed some time and space. This was too much for me to deal with right now. He respected my decision and told me that when I was ready, he’d be there when I was. I thought that gesture was sweet’; however, I wasn’t about to bank on that. I’ve heard that several times over, and it always ended up with the same outcome. We’ll lose contact with each other, or it just doesn’t work out. Either way, I wasn’t getting my hopes up.

A few moments later, Andre finally came waltzing through the door. As soon as he got in the doorway, I gave him a look so mean it could have pierced his heart. “What’s wrong with you?” he asked. “So you didn’t see me calling and texting you? You've been ignoring me all night! What is up with you?” I retorted. “Man you trippin! You ain’t called or text me. My phone hasn’t buzzed once.” he replied. I swear some times, if murder didn’t carry such a harsh sentence, I would commit the act right now. Who did he think he was fooling? Seriously, he really believes I’m stupid. “You know what Andre, you’re right. I am tripping. I am tripping for ever believing you ever gave a fuck about me.” I replied. He let out a sarcastic laugh, threw his hands up and walked off. “See what I mean. You foul as fuck dawg. Like straight up, I am not dealing with this shit anymore. I’m sick of you disrespecting me. Fuck you and this relationship. I’m out.” I yelled. Out of nowhere, he kissed me. This really caught me by surprise. Normally I would get a hand around my throat, or him yelling back. Not this time. He kissed me so hard and long, we backed into a wall. I was so confused, yet turned on at the same time. I didn’t say anything to ruin the mood. I let it play out.

“Baby I love you!” I shouted as he was pounding me from behind. “I love you too girl!” he replied in between thrust. I will not lie, this is some of the best sex he has given me in a long time. I was reaching for everything in front of me. With every thrust, my pussy was gushing all over him. I was trying to hold it in, but it was no use. He had me so weak. “Whose pussy is this?” he asked. “It’s yours daddy! It’s yours!” I shouted. He grabbed my hair and pulled so hard, I felt like my neck was coming off. I did not care. This feeling was so euphoric. “Oh my God! I’m about to cum!” I shouted. He started thrusting harder and harder. I felt my body go limp as I climaxed so hard. He planted gentle kisses all over my back and neck. “Where did you say you were going?” he whispered. “Nowhere. I’m sorry daddy!” I replied. I could still feel his dick throbbing inside of me. He slowly started thrusting in and out of me. “You’re what now?” he asked. “I’m sorry daddy!” I moaned. “Yea, that’s right! You ain’t going nowhere. The fuck you thought!” he replied.

This was the only thing I hated about our sex. He knew I meant every word of it. I feel like he plays on it. It’s almost as if he does this mess on purpose. He gets me to the point where I’m ready to ditch his ass, then out of nowhere, he fucks the shit out of me. I hate it and love it. I know it sounds crazy, however, I have no other way to explain it. After a few more minutes of him beating my back in, he turned me around and laid me down on the bed. He climbed on top of me and gazed into my eyes. At that moment, I felt lost inside of him. I felt myself drifting into the danger zone with him. “I love you girl! Don’t ever forget that!” he stated. I shook my head to acknowledge his statement. He planted kisses all over my body until he reached my center. His tongue flickered back and forth on my clit. I was squirming around so much in the bed, I tore the sheets off. I tried to ease away from him. He grabbed my hands and pinned me down to the bed. I knew I was in trouble. I didn’t even try to hold it in. I let it go. I climaxed so hard, I felt it dripping down my ass. He kept licking me until he licked it all up. I sat up from him and positioned myself comfortably on my knees. He stood in front of me, dick erect right in my face. I did not hesitate to put it all in my mouth. I glanced up at him and noticed his eyes going in the back of his head. I knew I was doing my job correctly, so I kept going. Just as I felt him about to nut, I added my hand motion to speed it up. He quickly pushed me away. I got right back in front of him, just in time to catch his nut in my mouth. I waited until he regained his composure until I got off the bed. “Baby are you alright?” I asked. He looked at me and didn’t say a word. He kissed my face and forehead and left the room.

After we both cleaned up, we laid down next to each other, cuddled up. “Look ma, I’m sorry for acting like a jerk. I know I’ve been neglecting you and not really spending much time with you. I’m sorry. I promise I will do better.” he pleaded. My heart fluttered. Honestly, this is what I’ve been wanting from him the whole time. I wanted him to be my teddy bear. This is the side of him I adore the most. The other side I can definitely do without. “Baby can you promise me you’ll work on your temper? Try to hear me out sometimes and look at things from my perspective.” I pleaded. “Yes ma. I will. I promise.” he replied. He pulled my face towards his and kissed my lips. A few moments later, we both drifted off to sleep.

The next morning, I woke up to find his side of the bed empty. I rolled over and rubbed my hand against his pillow. Normally I’d be a little upset when I wake up and see that he’s gone; however, after last night, I couldn’t be mad if I wanted to. I don’t know what had gotten into him or what he was feeling, all I know is I wanted more. I wanted more of the teddy bear I knew him to be. Last night was just what I needed from him. I needed to feel loved, cared for, wanted, desired, needed and everything else in between. I know it may seem like I’m blindsided to the bigger scheme of things, however, I can assure you that is not the case. I see so many red flags being waved in my face, yet my love for him will not let me leave. I just don’t see how some people can just walk away from relationships so easy. It’s not that simple for me. Once I’m in love with you, it’s just that. It’s hard for me to leave. It’s almost as if you become my possession. You’re mine and I don’t want anyone else to have you. The only way I let go is if you force my hand. Some will say by then it’s too late and the damage is too grave to repair. While that may be true, it’s in my nature to fight for what I want.

I finally pulled myself out of the bed and made my way to the bathroom. I grabbed my robe off the door and put on my flip flops. Just as I was tightening the belt on my robe, I heard Andre’s voice behind me, “Good morning gorgeous.” I smiled wide. I swiftly turned around and ran to him. “Good morning babes.” I replied. He kissed my lips then planted kisses on my forehead. I felt a wave of heat run through my body. Shortly after, my vagina started throbbing. It was so hard for me to contain myself around him. His smooth dark skin always made my vagina jump. I scaled him up and down. I seductively licked my lips as he walked away from me. I loosened my robe belt. It fell perfectly. It opened right down the center, so that both of my breasts were covered. The only thing exposed was my stomach and my vagina. I seductively made my way over to the couch where he was sitting. I straddled him and kissed him passionately. He wrapped his hands around me and started caressing my back. I scooted up to make the tip of his dick meet the opening of my vagina. He picked me up and laid me down on the couch. His kiss moved from my mouth to my neck, my chest, each breast, my stomach and finally landing on my clit. I squirmed while caressing the back of his head. He put his hands around my waist and held me in place. I felt myself about to climax and desperately tried to escape his grip. He gripped my waist harder. I felt my vagina contracting so hard, I couldn’t take it. I climaxed so hard, I caught a cramp in my pinky toe. I shook it off and sat up from him. He stood up in front of me and proceeded to disrobe. He looked me in my eyes while removing every article of clothing he had on. I got up to help him, instead he pushed me back down on the couch. Confused, I sat there and watched him get completely naked. When his thick, smooth, dark chocolate penis was exposed, my mouth watered. I rushed over to put it in my mouth, he pushed me away. I got up and sat on the couch. He kneeled down in front of me and started gently placing kisses all over my stomach and thighs.I wasn’t sure where this sex session was going, but I was enjoying every minute of it. He was in full control and I was not going to intervene.

Later that day, I decided to meet up with my home girl, Asia. I needed someone to talk to about this fiasco I’ve created for myself. She was the perfect candidate. She always knew what to say to get me right. We’ve known each other since high school. She’s been like a sister to me and I wouldn’t trade her for the world. I often get mad with myself for not hitting her up more often. She never trips on me though, she’s always down for a good gossip and smoke session.

As I was leaving my house, my phone buzzed. I dug in my purse until I finally was able to put my hand on it. I double tapped on my screen so that I could see who was texting me. It was Trey. A feeling of dread instantly traveled through my body. I had been ignoring him because I was trying to work on my relationship with Andre. If we were going to be solid again, I didn’t want any outside interference. I cringed at the thought of reading his text. Against my better judgement, I opened it. “Hey, I’m just checking on you. I haven’t heard from you. I miss you. I really would love to see you if at all possible. Please get back to me. Whatever I did to upset you, I apologize. I will never do it again. Please call me or reply back to me.” I cleared the message off my screen and put my phone back in my purse. I wasn’t about to reply. I already knew the consequences behind that. I figured I’d save myself the headache.

Don’t get me wrong, I missed Trey. I truly did; however, I had to be honest with myself. It was honestly just sex between us, at least on my part it was. I thought in previous conversations, we both understood that. He knew about Andre, that was no secret. He claimed to be single, but stated he was looking for friends with benefits. That was fine with me, considering me and Andre weren’t fucking each other at the time. In fact, during that time, we barely saw each other. I figured we were on the verge, if not already, breaking up. I took that as a means to do what I wanted to with whom I wanted to. I suspected he was doing the same thing, so I figured why not. As I stated before, I do not condone cheating; however, in this case I felt justified. I know it sounds like I was using Trey as a get back. While a part of that may be true, the other part not so much. I honestly was just looking for a friend; someone new, fresh and neutral. Trey gave me that. It was refreshing to be in his presence. I took a break from Trey to see where me and Andre were going. I honestly was not expecting him to get his act together and make an attempt to save this relationship. I expected me and Trey would be getting more cozy with each other. Clearly, that did not happen. Rather than to have Trey catching feelings for me, in the event Andre wanted to save the relationship, I figured I’d distance myself. This would give me time to get my feelings in order and Trey time to himself. If I’d had known he was going to get his feelings involved, I would have stopped after the first night, or at least tried to. I’m no going to lie that man has a dick so thick and a sex game so good, trying to leave him alone after the first one would have been hard to do.

Finally, after sitting in traffic for almost an hour and a half, I finally arrived at La Nopalera. This was a Mexican joint that had some of the best margaritas. Asia always knew how to pick the best places for an awesome drink. Before I could get out of my car, Asia approached my door. “Damn girl, it took you long enough!” she shouted. Asia was always full of life. I applauded this girl for how she handled situations. She’s been through so much. From the death of her son, right through the divorce from her husband; she lives life so freely. I always tell her I need her charisma. I don’t know how she handles it all, but she does it well. “Girl it is fucking 5:30 in the damn evening. You expected me to get from the westside over here to the damn airport in .5 seconds? I’m not sure what kind of weed you been smoking on, but cut it the fuck out ma’am!” I replied. She laughed really loud. I chuckled lightly as I rolled my eyes at the same time. She backed up a bit for me to get out of the car and fix my skirt. It twisted a bit when I got in the car initially and the drive had been quite miserable because of it. It was a relief to be able to let my stomach breath a bit.

As I was using the car window as a mirror, Asia playfully slapped my ass. I quickly smacked her hand away. She knows I hated that shit. “Girl all that ass back there, you most definitely have enough for two men.” she joked. I cringed. I was already self conscious about my body. I hated body jokes. Most women would say I had the perfect shape, I heavily disagreed. I was on the curvy side. You know fat ass, nice size breast, small waist with a little pudge, thick thighs, the whole spiel. I hated my stomach and my breast. I wished my stomach would just disappear. Like I just want to wake up one morning and my stomach is gone. I wished my breast were smaller because most tops didn’t look right on me. In addition to that, my bras are not cheap. I have to go in lingerie stores tailored to women with big breasts. I can’t get my bras from Walmart or Victoria Secrets. Once upon a time I could. That time has long passed. I turned to her and let out a heavy sigh. “Asia I wish you wouldn’t say stuff like that.” I pleaded. “Oh girl hush! You know I’m just messing with you. You know I’d kiss your ass any day.” she replied. I rolled my eyes and shook my head. If you implied that she’s attracted to me, you’d be correct. Asia has always had a sexual attraction to me. I’ve never entertained them. I’m not into women and I never have been. She knows that. She also knows that her sexual advances are annoying. The only reason she gets away with it is because she’s my best friend.

As we were sitting at our table, Asia noticed the guy behind me flirting with her. “Girl this man behind you has been smiling and waving at me since we’ve been here.” she whispered. Asia was a fair-skinned woman with light green eyes. She was Phillipino and Black. Her Phillipino features stood out more. She had curly red hair and she was on the petite side. Asia was a fitness trainer and had a body to die for. Her breasts were small and perky and sat perfectly on her chest. She had a flat stomach, which gave her ass more definition. She had full lips that were perfect. I tried to turn around discreetly to see what the gentleman looked like. To my surprise, he was handsome. “I hope you’re flirting back.” I replied. She glared at me. I swallowed my drink and laughed. Her stare became more serious. “Oh girl lighten up. He is cute. What’s wrong with you?” I asked. “Shaina, I swear, sometimes I often wonder do you ever stop thinking with your pussy!” she retorted. I returned her glare. “Thinking with my pussy? What do you mean by that?” I asked. “You know exactly what I mean. You see a cute guy and the first thing you want to do is bone him!” she explained. I laughed so hard and loud, that I noticed a few of the patrons looked over in our direction. I quickly straightened up. “Asia what the hell do you think men do to us? They take one look at your ass and instantly think of ways to bend you over, slide inside you, smack it and watch it bounce of their dick. So yea, when I meet a guy the first thing I think of is what size is his cock and how can I choke on it.” I replied. She picked up on my sarcasm and laughed so hard. “So you’re using terms like “cock” now?” she retorted. We both laughed.

After a few hours and six margaritas later, we both decided to call it quits. I tried to stand up, but was instantly humbled. The effects of the alcohol were starting to set in. “Bitch when was the last time you had a drink?” she asked. I looked up at Asia and saw three of her. “Girl it’s been a minute. Look in my phone and call Andre please.” I replied. She smacked her teeth real loud. “I’m not calling him. I’ll take you home.” she rebutted. I didn’t object. I was too drunk to do so. Asia helped me to my feet and we wobbled out to her car. I’d catch an Uber in the morning to come back and get my car. Once I was settled in the car, I threw my head back on the head rest and closed my eyes. “Asia where is the water?” I asked just as she was strapping her seat belt on. She reached in her back seat and handed me a bottle of water. It was room temperature, just like I liked it. I gulped the whole bottle in less than two seconds. I put the empty bottle in my purse and made a mental note to throw it away when I got home. I threw my head back on the head rest and closed my eyes. They were so heavy, it was getting difficult to keep them open. As soon as I felt the car moving, I fell asleep.

A few moments later, I felt the car stop. I popped open my eyes and looked around. The surroundings were familiar, but I instantly knew it wasn’t my house. “Asia I thought you were taking me home.” I stated. “Bitch do you know where you live? I am not driving all the way over there. You are not the only one buzzed little lady.” she retorted. I completely understand her standpoint. From my house to the restaurant was a 30 minute drive. I don’t blame her in this instance. I watched as Asia got out of the car and made her way over to my side. She opened the door and helped me out of the car. I leaned on her, and we made our way to her front door. Once in, I flopped down on the couch. It was so comfortable, I felt myself sinking deeper into the couch. “Asia can I get a blanket please?” I asked groggily. I kicked off my shoes and laid down. A few moments later, she emerged from her room with a blanket. She spread it over me and walked away. I drifted off to sleep.

A few hours later, I felt kisses on my legs. I smiled. “Andre what are you doing?” I asked sleepily. He didn’t reply, but I felt the kisses getting closer to my middle. I turned on my back and adjusted my body. I felt hands caressing my clit. I opened my legs wider. I was trying to open my eyes, but they were still too heavy. After a while, I felt wetness on my clit. I was finally able to open my eyes. To my surprise, it was Asia. I quickly sat up. “Asia what the hell are you doing?” I shouted. “Shania, stop acting like you don’t want this.” she replied. “Asia I told you I am not attracted to you in that light.” I said calmly. She looked down at the wet spot on her couch. “I think your vagina says otherwise.” she stated seductively. “Asia come on, you know that wouldn’t have happened had I known you weren’t Andre.” I explained. She smacked her teeth and threw up her hands. “Andre this, Andre that. What is it with you and that nigga! He doesn’t love you! He uses you. The fact that you don’t see that is baffling. Like what do I have to do to get you to see you deserve better.” she shouted. I wasn’t sure what to think of her at that moment. Although part of what she was saying was true, the angle she was taking had me confused. “Asia, I appreciate your concern for my heart, however, licking my clit isn’t going to make me want to be with you.” I replied. “Why not? We’re perfect together. We know everything about each other, even the most intimate details.” she pleaded. “I’m not attracted to women. I never have been. It’s nothing against you, I just don’t swing that way.” I explained. She looked at me and shook her head. I got up off the couch and reached for my phone. I requested an Uber to come pick me up and take me to my car. I didn’t feel comfortable staying here tonight. After what transpired, I needed some space. I never thought I’d need space from my best friend, but I do. I hate this because our relationship is so solid, just not in that way. I wasn’t sure how she was feeling since I rejected her advances, but I did not want to add insult to injury. I figured it was best for both of us if I left. This was not how I expected this night to end. More feelings, more problems.

The next morning, I woke up still in disbelief. I really couldn’t believe Asia did that. Don’t get me wrong, I love her, I really do, just not that way. I’m honestly not sure what I was doing to make her think it was alright for her to put her face between my legs. I’m not going to lie though, she’s talented. If I hadn't woken up when I did, it was going to be a tsunami on her couch. I’m sure she wouldn't mind it, not one bit.

I got out of the bed and found Andre in the kitchen cooking. “Dang babes, what are you cooking? It smells good in here!” “Good morning love bug. I’m cooking pancakes, eggs, sausage and toast.” he replied. I guess he noticed the disgusted look on my face, because he instantly cleaned it up by saying, “Chicken sausage for you my love.” I smirked. He knows I do not like pork sausage. Something about the smell of it just makes my stomach hurt. “Aww, you do think about me.” I teased. “Ha ha, very funny. I always think about you.” he replied, sarcastically. I sat down in the high chair at the bar. It was just something about watching this man cook, always intrigued me.

Andre has always had a knack for cooking. When we first met, all he talked about was being a chef. I always encouraged him to pursue that passion. Of course, he had other “plans” he needed to attend to first. I knew it was just a code word for he’s not ready to be a boss yet. He still wants to rip and run the streets to have something to prove. For the most part we would go out to eat, and then ever so often, he’d get in the mood to simply cook. He’d cook these big ass meals too. I’m talking baked chicken, a whole one now, baked chicken, macaroni and cheese, rice and gravy, green beans, blueberry muffins and a big pitcher of kool-aid. I’d be so confused, because it was just the two of us. If you didn’t know him, you’d think he was cooking for a big family. Nope, just us. I asked him several times why he cooks so much food at once. His reply, “Ma I don’t know. Once I get in the mood for cooking, I can’t half step. I have to go all out.” I left it at that. You can’t get mad at a guy who perfects his craft and takes pride in it. I never complained, because that just meant I didn’t have to cook for at least a week. We’d have so much food left, I sometimes took plates to the homeless people and fed them. Sometimes I’d drag him along to help me. He would always say, “That’s less food for the animals and more food for the people who deserve it.” He always had a funny way of putting things, but you couldn’t argue with his logic.

A few moments later, the doorbell rang. Me and Andre both looked at each other. “Babes you expecting company?” I asked. “No ma, are you?” he replied. I thought long and hard before I answered. When I couldn’t think of anything, I replied, “No, not today. I rescheduled all of my patients for next week. I’m off, so no one should be coming for me.” I’m a mental health counselor who practices at home. Andre also kept my schedule on his phone, so he’d know when someone was coming and for how long. He helps me run my practice. Pretty cool right? It is sometimes and then sometimes it’s not. It’s hard to put on a smile and be biased towards certain situations, when your significant other has royally pissed you off prior to the start of work. It makes me think all men are crude evil bastards with a manipulating tool that was sent here to test us. As much as that may ring true for some women, as a counselor, I have to lose that mentality and think of every man as an equal opportunist. You may think that’s the wrong term, and it may very well be, however, today, that’s what we’re going to call them.

After a few minutes of us sitting there, I finally decided to get up and see who was at the door. I peaked through the peephole first before opening the door. It was Asia. I turned to Andre to warn him. He and Asia never got along. They were like oil and water. They hated each other. Andre, more so than Asia. He always felt like she was always trying to break us up so she could have me. I would not dare tell him what transpired last night. I felt my heart sink to my stomach and the thought of that. “Babes, Asia is at the door.” I stated. I heard him let out a heavy sigh. “I’m going in the room. I’ll let you two have it.” he said. I nodded in acknowledgement and waited for him to disappear in the room before opening the door.

As soon as I cracked the door, Asia pushed the door open. “Damn girl, what is wrong with you?” I yelled. “Oh so you couldn’t let me know your ass made it home? I’ve been calling you since you left my house.” she snapped. “Well, clearly I’m home. What do you want?” I replied. “Don’t get sarcastic with me bitch. You know why I’m here.” she hissed. “Girl what do you want? I’m here trying to enjoy breakfast with my man.” I retorted. “Really Shaina! So you’re going to act like last night didn’t happen?” she yelled. I jerked her arm hard and yanked her outside. “You keep your voice down! Andre is here!” I stated in a whisper. “I don’t care. You need to leave him and come be with me, or at least find you a man that will treat you better.” she pleaded. Now she knew damn well I was not about to leave my man for her. She’d have a better chance of flying unicorns before I did that. I smacked my teeth real hard. “Girl you know I am not about to do that.” I replied. She looked away trying to hide the disappointment on her face. I hated when she did that. She knew on any other occasion I would cave into her when she did this. She also knew that on this topic, that tactic didn’t work. “Asia, look, I’m fine where I am. I appreciate you coming here trying to save my feelings, I truly do; however, this is a battle I have to fight on my own.” I explained. “Whatever Shaina. Save that bullshit ok. Andre will always be Andre. When you figure that out, don’t come crying on my couch again!” she snapped. Before I could say another word, she stormed off. I watched speechless as she got in her car and drove away.

As soon as I stepped back in the house, I was greeted by Andre. “What’s wrong baby? Where are you going?” I asked. “Nothing wrong ma, I’m waiting on my dawg Trey to get here so we can go run a few errands.” He replied. They were going to run errands alright. That meant he was about to be gone all day and I’d have to find me something to do. Normally I would go to Asia’s house and sit over there. Considering previous events between me and her, I didn’t think that was a good idea. I thought about meeting up with Trey, but decided against that. I didn’t want to go back down that road, not right now. I let out a heavy sigh and replied, “So you’re going to be gone all day?” “No I won’t be gone long.” he assured me. At first, I used to fall for this. That is until he would be gone all day. Now I take it at face value. I gave him a side eye and nodded in acknowledgement. “C’mon boo, don’t be like that. You know daddy won’t neglect his princess.” he teased. I beamed at the sound of that. He planted kisses all over my face and neck. This then turned into us horse wrestling.

A few moments into us horse wrestling, the doorbell rang. “You better go get that.” I stated in between breaths. I had his hands locked behind his back so he couldn’t move. “I will as soon as you let me go!” he replied in between grunts. I released my grip, and of course he had to get his lick back. I let it slide this time, but I made sure he knew there’d be war next time. I went and sat down on the sofa to catch my breath. Andre went to open the door. I could hear him still breathing hard. “You better get that under control before your friend know you got your ass whipped!” I shouted playfully. “Oh girl please! It’s just because I was full you got the best of me.” he replied. I let out a loud sarcastic laugh. “Boy please! You got beat, and that’s on that!” I shouted back. He finally opened the door and I could hear the other man’s voice. My body tensed up. The voice at the door sounded way too familiar. I sat still as I waited to see who appeared around the corner. I was hoping my worst nightmare had not come true. It had. To my surprise, Trey was standing right in front of me. I tried to hide my uncomfortable body language. Andre was very talented at reading body language. “Aye yo Trey, I want you to meet my girl Shaina.” he stated as he introduced us both. “Hi, how are you doing? Nice to meet you.” I replied. He returned the same introduction. I frantically grabbed my food and made a beeline for the bedroom. I’m not sure what Trey or Andre was up to, but I knew in my heart, that this was not a coincidence.