I Have A New Lover

I have a new lover.

Well, by the end of the night I intend for him to be my lover.

Do you remember the last time you had a new lover? Perhaps you can keep me company while I wait for him. Perhaps talking to you will calm my nerves. I spend too much time talking to myself.

We are not strangers, but this is our first official date. It is a beginning for us, and the beginning of a relationship is such an exciting time. Everything is new. Everything is unexplored. Everything is a surprise. It is so with us.

Just thinking about our coming time together, both tonight and beyond, ignites all my senses and blocks out the rest of the world. At the same time, it makes everything brighter, clearer and more beautiful. Have you ever felt that?

My mind is full of questions and anticipation.

Questions fuel my need for him. My need to connect to him. What do we have in common? What are our differences? How will they intersect? How will they counter each other? And my anticipation…. Anticipation is such a powerful aphrodisiac, and I am in this state constantly. My heart pounds. I can actively feel my breath. My skin buzzes. My nerves wait for his touch. Any touch. Like the time when he put his hand on the small of your back. I can feel every part of my body. That is how sensually charged I am.

I want to know all of him.

What does he smell like? You already know. You have closed your eyes and inhaled every time he has walked past you. But what will he smell like when I get close enough to really inhale his scent? Not his soap or his cologne. I want to smell his skin. What will his passion smell like? His patience? His ecstasy? Oh god!

What does he sound like? You know this, too. No. What do his whispers sound like? He has whispered to you before. When he told you he wanted to be with you…Yes. What will his voice sound like when we are alone? When we are so close that the softest of whispers will reach my ears? What will he say to me when we are that close? Will I be capable of responding with words, or will my body simply take over?

I am unsure of everything.

Can I just reach out and touch him? Is that allowed or should I ask permission? Like the time when he asked if he could kiss you. No one had ever asked me that before. That simple act, that simple question, made all the difference. Yes. It was a quick kiss. A simple kiss. A sweet kiss. A kiss of beginnings.

Does he have different kisses? What will his other kisses feel like? Taste like? There are kisses and then there are kisses. There are kisses that occur in the light, and there are kisses that happen in the dark. Kisses that lead to… Oh please let his kisses lead to…

Will he like my kisses? My insecurity just reared its head. Again.

I pace around my room, my home, looking for something to do, but there is nothing left to do except wait. I uncork a bottle of wine and let it breathe. I was in a daze when I bought it. I can’t even remember what it is. I look at the label. Merlot. I hope he will like it. Wine. A social nicety. A gesture to make my desire seem less blatant. Something for our hands and mouths to do before we let them do what we really want.

I sit. I stand. I cannot be still. I rearrange unimportant things. I look at my hands as I do this and wonder what his hands will feel like. You have felt his hands. No, not like that. What will they feel like on my skin? Soft or firm? Smooth or rough? Cool or warm? Light or heavy? Gentle or demanding? Shy or certain? What will his skin feel like under my hands? Ohhhhh…

I move back across the room. You are going to wear holes in your carpet. I know!

I pause before my mirror. Be careful. What will he see when he looks at me? What will it feel like to have his eyes upon me? Will he like my body? Do I like my body? Put that thought away! How vulnerable will I feel when I am exposed before him? I want him to see me. Just thinking about his new eyes on me makes me blush and tingle and smile. I want to show him. I want these things.

What will he look like when his body is bare before me? What intimate details have his clothes hidden? Whatever they are, whatever he looks like, will be perfect.

I turn away from the mirror, and then…

Knock knock.

Time for you to go. He is here…