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How to Ethically Have an Affair

The subtle nuance of truth and lies

By MonalisaSmiled Published 3 years ago 4 min read
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How to Ethically Have an Affair
Photo by Tingey Injury Law Firm on Unsplash

There are good ways to cheat and bad ways to cheat. I’ve done both. Most adulterers have. We aren’t exactly paragons of humanity, let’s face it.

Ethically have an affair? Sounds insane, right? And not to mention, impossible. There are ways to make it happen.

The Right Way:

  • Tell your partner what your true motives are. “I’m just here for the sex.” “I want my fantasies fulfilled.” “You are a temporary diversion from my depressing life.” “I want out.” Or, any permutation of your choosing.
  • Have enough time for your affair partner. The infamous “I’ll make time for you” and no time is available. “I’m swamped. I’ll get back to you, I promise.” Promise and then deliver.
  • Settle on terms. You both want the same things from the affair. This is hitting the jackpot. “We’re so lucky to have found each other.” Does this actually happen? For some, yes. Going legit is the next step. I haven’t been so lucky.
  • Decide how to stay in touch. Agree on how many times to text or call or email or send messages by carrier pigeon. Establish time frames for communicating. You both find the Goldilocks amount. The perfect balance between clingy and too blasé.
  • Determine the frequency of sex. Every week? Every month? Whenever you can? If an opportunity arises? As much as humanly possible with spouses and families in the background. Ah, lust. A beautiful thing.
  • Set up alternate ways of communicating if the unthinkable happens. You get caught, he gets caught. How do you know what’s happening? Decide on a backup generic throwaway email with code words.
  • Determine how careful you will both be with OPSEC (operational security or the house of lies on which this affair is built). Agree on a messaging app and time frames for texting or calling. “Hubby nearby” or “Not alone” are the bane of adultery.
  • How much risk are you both willing to take? Being seen in public? Have unplanned excursions? Real dates? Discuss this upfront to prevent future meltdowns.
  • Birth control and STD talks. Make sure you are both protected. This isn’t a game. Life has real consequences.
  • Monogamy in affairs? Are we going to be “faithful” to one another? I’m not faithful to anyone. Let alone an affair partner.
  • Talk about the end of the affair. I know you don’t want to think about it. Put fingers in your ears, la la la. Yet, it’s inevitable. Be a grown-up. Discuss whether you will try to stay friends or separate for good.
  • End with honor and compassion. No blowing up his life or your own. Do NOT call the spouse. Do NOT try to “reach out” if you have decided on the “no contact” route. Move on gracefully. Or, in my case crying unattractively in the bathroom (while hiding from your family).

The Wrong Way:

  • Lie about your true motives. “I am seeking a long-term friend with benefits.” Let’s dissect this. Long term? Most affairs aren’t. They last mere months. Friends? Also, a misnomer. In a purely transactional relationship, friendship doesn’t exist. Benefits? Hot sex, I hope. If not, you are truly screwed.
  • Time for fun. Better work on viable excuses to be out of the house. “I am looking for someone to spoil with attention.” Yeah, right. Something is rotten in this affair, I guarantee you.
  • Same page with cheating. “I’m looking for a lover and confidante.” You both want to reveal deep things to each other. Be aware of possible fallout. Blackmail, anyone?
  • Figure out how often to text and talk. Avoid the dreaded “?!” "where are you" texts. Duck and cover apply to combat, not affairing. We hope.
  • Frequency of visits? “I’m dying to see you” leads to “You don’t have time for me.” The physical connection must be nurtured and maintained. “Is this it?” is the beginning of the end. I assure you.
    • No backup emails in case the bomb drops. Use Facebook or Social Messaging and their spies. Nothing will stay private for long. A “friend” request is the beginning. You want to keep that Venn diagram overlap to a minimum. Trust me.
  • “I don’t want to change my situation or yours.” This requires serious effort, people. Thought, planning, tactics. Lie. Terribly. Be such a bad liar that you are questioned. Hesitate. Look at your feet. “Ummm…” Not a good answer, believe me.
  • Birth control and STDs aren’t the places to fuck around if you are fucking around. Got it?
  • And speaking of fucking around…”Don’t ask, don’t tell” is the lowest of the low. Sleep with other partners and lie! How novel. That hasn’t happened before.
  • Endings suck. They are miserable. But don’t ghost. Don’t disappear. Try to be an adult.
  • Don't get even. “You are going to regret this buddy boy” is NOT the answer. “If I can’t have you, no one will!” Disaster awaits. Like the sinking of the Titanic. You’ll probably go down with the ship.
  • Risk vs. reward? How much do you want this? The amazing sex? Enough to be doing all the above. Better polish up those excuses and lying skills 101.

    These are some ways to ethically have an affair. It’s difficult. It takes planning and openness. And vulnerability and dialogue. Not key items in a relationship built on secrets and lies. But it is possible to have one. Affairs can be as rewarding as you make them or as hellish.

    Is the risk worth the reward? In my case, absolutely.

    I won’t stop.

    taboo
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    About the Creator

    MonalisaSmiled

    Middle-aged adulteress on The Medium with 400 articles and over 300,000 views. Writing about dead bedrooms, relationships, and cheating.

    Adultery 101. The Scarlett Letter. We are terrible and human. So are you.

    ko-fi.com/monalisasmiled

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