Growing Up Gay

Growing up, I always knew that I was different than the other boys in my grade. I was never into football or any sports for that matter regardless of how many I participated in, and I always preferred befriending the girls in my grade. My masculinity was always questioned especially in my middle school years when sexuality became a prominent topic and my differences started to shine through. Self-discovery is one of the hardest things someone has to go through in their college years, but being a gay teenager, that process had to come way earlier for me.

Being gay was a foreign term to me until around my sixth or seventh-grade year and the only form the word took to me was an insult. Society has given the word “gay” an inferior undertone, and we have normalized the use of the word to slander others. When I realized that being gay was not normal and not socially accepted, I came to the conclusion that hiding who I really was would be more beneficial for me. Suppressing my feelings and not living my life being true to myself was ultimately more detrimental to my mental health than I could ever imagine. I had to hide any signs of femininity and mask myself as a straight male because I was afraid of being different. Going through middle school and hearing the words “faggot” and “queer” passed around like normal insults made me oppress my feelings even more. Society has normalized youthful homophobia and this has been destructive to LGBTQ youth including myself. This can make growing up as an LGBTQ teen very difficult because of what other kids say. Living with this oppression matured me at a much younger age because I had more issues to deal with than other kids.

One of the most horrifying thoughts I had for the longest time was coming out. Being raised in the south, I had no idea how the people I loved would react. Would my parents still support me? Would my friends leave my side? These are thoughts that constantly lingered in the back of my mind through middle school and into the beginning of my high school career. Although I didn’t know it then, not being myself and restricting my feelings harmfully impacted my education because I was focused on masking my true identity. After finally coming out, I thought that was the end of my oppression, but the journey was still far from over. It took me a long time to finally be comfortable with who I am and even hearing the word “gay” gave me a bad feeling in my chest. Even when I was out, I didn’t want to admit I was gay. Going through an identity crisis took a lot away from my childhood, and I spent more time trying to find out what was wrong with me instead of trying to see the good side. Nevertheless, I had absolutely no pride in my sexuality.

I am now happier than I have ever been, and I finally see being gay as a positive attribute. No matter what anyone says, I carry myself with confidence and dignity. I would have never thought in my middle school years that I would have grown up to be such a worry-free and confident person because of how scared I was to show the real me. Coming to terms with and loving myself was life-changing. Although it may seem scary at first, we all need to realize that our unique qualities make us amazing. In the great words of Rupaul Andre Charles, “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?”