Five Eyeroll Inducing DMs on Fetlife

As an AFAB woman (Assigned Female at Birth), the dating scene is a frustrating, and even potentially dangerous place. Dating in the kink scene makes it about a thousand times more complicated and honestly, more cringe-worthy.

The bar has been set very low for dating interactions due to that vanilla DMs are often full of dick pics and "Hey, send nudes!". DMs in the kink community come with their own thirsty problems, and some are hard to ignore. Here is a list of the Five Eyeroll Inducing DMs you encounter on Fetlife that need to reevaluate their interactions.

1. "Thirsty"

This is the most common Eyeroll that slides into DMs, and nearly always ends with the block button. They're in your face, right off the bat, not even a proper "Hello, how are you?". Some may argue that because it's a kink site that it's ok to start off with your desires. The answer to that is yes and no. While, it's great to acknowledge you might be interested in the same kinks, going gung-ho with your "erotic feelings" in the first message is really in poor taste. People want to be treated like they're people, and not just product at the "meat market" (unless that's specifically you're thing, in that case - shine bright you odd diamond).

Playing in the kink community takes trust, most of the time it takes a lot more trust than a vanilla relationship does. Even for "random hookups" a certain level of trust is required. If you haven't earned that trust yet, you really need to take it down a few notches and roll through the pleasantries first.

2. "I Can Change"

While the whole idea of "I can change him!" is a nice thought, it's an over-romanticized trope that just does not work. You cannot build a relationship with someone expecting them to change their core values. Resentment will build up over time, or they will simply continue promising change with little to zero results.

This particular "I can change!" is the most common one I personally receive. I'm severely allergic to marijuana/hemp/CBD oil/THC, etc, so 420 enthusiasts are a big deal breaker for me. And of course, I know from personal experience, it's not something they can or will change. It's totally ok to have that as your lifestyle, but it's not an ok thing to promise you can change it.

Pursuing someone when you know you have a major incompatibility (regardless of which side is doing the pursuing) is a recipe for failure. If that red flag has been identified, it's best to move on. Sometimes, the block button is required to ensure they move on.

3. "I Know This is Totally Not On Your Kink List, But I'm Going to Try Anyway"

While it's great to have some differences with a potential partner in order to keep things interesting, you need to have some sort of common ground in order for a relationship to work. And in the kink community, if your list starts off with "None of the Above" in common, you're really going to have a tough time connecting.

For some reason, these Eyerolls will still try anyway. They're the opposite of "I Can Change!" and instead expect you to change. It's a tall and ridiculous order, and you're better off cutting your losses and saying "goodbye" or hitting the old reliable block button. You shouldn't have to change your core lifestyle values in order to be with someone, and they shouldn't expect you to either.

One of the biggest offenders of this are thirsty subs who think they can change a sub to be a Dom or a Switch. You can't expect a tiger to change its stripes, and a sub isn't going to magically become a Dom just because you want them to. That's just not how this works.

4. "The Ghost"

Ghosting is common no matter if you're vanilla or kink. And it's annoying at every stage of interaction. They suddenly disappear from your DMs, they stand you up for a date, or the relationship progresses and then one day you just never hear from them again.

It has been argued that many people feel more "comfortable" ghosting, rather than going through the confrontation of saying you're no longer interested. There are some cases where that is appropriate (you feel unsafe), but in most cases of ghosting it's just lazy and emotionally immature. There's no sense in pursuing a ghost, and honestly, it's best not to waste your time. Hit that block button and move on. Ghosts that suddenly resurrect into zombies are just as bad as real zombies. They reel you back in, and then ghost you again. Do yourself a favor, and kick them to the curb the first time they ghost you. Once a ghost, always a ghost.

5. "The Stalker"

What's worse than someone being creepy and demanding in your DMs? Someone finding your email address and continuing to harass you after you've blocked them onsite. Absolutely do not be this person. No means no, and "Leave me alone!" absolutely means cease and desist all communication. Yet, there are some who still don't seem to understand the concept.

"The Stalker" is what gives the kink community a bad name. They're the creepy antagonist in tv shows who calls twenty times a day to breathe heavily into the phone, and send letters with weird desires and demands.

If "The Stalker" pops up in your DMs, or even worse, your emails, keep all records (don't delete!) and file a police report if they continue to harass you. Stalking can turn into a physical encounter, which can be incredibly dangerous. Keep your eyes open for red flags and stay safe out there!

Bonus Round: "The Kink Farmer"

Similar to the "I Know This is Totally Not On Your Kink List, But I'm Going to Try Anyway", these can also include the things you are actually into. What makes this Eyeroll annoying is that it's clear they're just looking for a "playdate" or a body just to do their list of kinks to, not an actual partner they want to have a real interaction with, or have a relationship with. Which, if that's what you're into and find a willing participant, yay you. But for many people, this is annoying and disrespectful.

"Kink Farming" or "Kink Mining" has been covered in articles before, but the gist is - someone who is looking to satisfy their kink, regardless of if the target is a willing participant or not (aka "forcing" a sales person to satisfy your humiliation kink in a lingerie store). The same goes for DMs - some completely ignore the profile and/or responses of the target and simply lay out what they want and steamroll ahead until they get what they want. These are best added to the block list. They absolutely do not understand "No" and have no concept of boundaries or respect.

Of course, there are so many other common Eyerolls that plague our DMs, but that would be a list of massive proportion. The common theme seems to be that people often hide behind their keyboard, and forget that they're interacting with a real human being with feelings who deserves respect. If you find yourself offended at this list, chances are, you're one of the 5 Eyerolls, and if you are - you should seriously reevaluate how you interact with people online (and probably in person). #sorrynotsorry