Education of a Scoundrel

It was a summer day in Santa Monica and I had three hours before my next class because one was cancelled, so I decided to take a walk around the neighbourhood. I was several blocks from the campus, reading the newest LA Weekly as I strolled past the neat little houses in the area. I was minding my own business and not really paying much attention to the world. As I passed 26th Street, there were two elderly ladies (I’ll call them Gladys and Maude for no particular reason) walking their dogs headed my direction and no one else within sight. Then a couple emerged from a small, pink house, the two of them cursing a blue streak. The man was in jeans and a greasy wife-beater, the woman had on a pink bathrobe. They looked like a typical married couple having a normal marital spat, so I didn’t take much notice.

I don’t like drama and do my best to stay out of other people’s business so I just kept reading my newspaper, but they were yelling at the top of their respective lungs so it was hard to not get the gist of their argument. “You ungrateful, filthy [expletive deleted] whore, how dare you [expletive deleted] my [expletive deleted]brother!” the man was hollering, to which the woman replied “[expletive deleted] you, you limp little [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted]! At least your [expletive deleted] brother could get his [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] hard.” He retorted “Hey, it’s a [expletive deleted] war-wound, you dirty [expletive deleted]! Let’s see how wet you get after a bayonet goes through your [expletive deleted] crotch! What the [expletive deleted] happened to ‘for better or worse, in sickness and in health’, you stupid [expletive deleted]?!” She screamed back “That doesn’t [expletive deleted] include impotence you [expletive deleted]rubber dicked [expletive deleted]!” I paused for a moment to check my watch and heard something that made me prick up my ears.

“You [expletive deleted] can’t tell me who to [expletive deleted]. I’ll [expletive deleted] anyone I [expletive deleted] want! I’ll [expletive deleted] the next [expletive deleted] guy I see walking down the [expletive deleted] street if I [expletive deleted] want to!” I paused and considered volunteering but dismissed the idea and kept walking. Then I heard the woman scream “Hey mister! Want to [expletive deleted] me right now?” I looked around like I thought she was talking to someone else then looked over at her. She opened the bathrobe she was wearing, letting it fall to the ground at her feet, leaving her completely naked. She looked at me and hollered across the street “Yeah, you, with the hat, let’s [expletive deleted] right now!” The two old ladies walking by me stopped and looked at me then her. The one I like to call Gladys was flabbergasted, just staring at the naked dame across the street with her mouth hanging open, but the one I’ve dubbed Maude just nodded her head to the side toward the girl and shrugged as if to say “Well? Are you going to shtupp her or not?”

I folded my newspaper and walked across the street. The man was fuming and stepped toward me to start a fight but the woman slapped him and told me “He ain’t going to [expletive deleted] do [expletive deleted], get the [expletive deleted] inside.” I walked past him into the house and heard him get in his truck and peel out of the drive way. I followed her to her boudoir and she yanked down my pants and started sucking my [expletive deleted]. After a few minutes she said “Get your fat [expletive deleted] in the [expletive deleted] bed you filthy [expletive deleted].” She quickly straddled me and squeezed me tight between the walls of her [expletive deleted] while digging her nails into my shoulders. She cursed like a sailor, calling me every obscene name she could think of and beat on my chest like I was her own personal set of bongos. I would have been incredibly offended by being called a [expletive deleted] over and over but I was too busy [expletive deleted] her to thinking about it at that moment.

She bit, scratched, and beat on me while grinding her hips in ways I had not thought possible. When she started to orgasm she said “Hit me! [expletive deleted] hit me!” I rolled on top of her and smacked her ass hard. That wasn’t enough for her, she wanted it rough. She screamed at me “[expletive deleted]punch me you [expletive deleted]!” I slapped her across the face hard. “Harder you [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted]!” she screamed then pulled my hair and raked her nails across my chest. Okay, she was psycho, but she had a really tight [expletive deleted] so I hauled off and punched her dead in the face, giving her a bloody nose. She loved it. She had a bucking fit of orgasms, biting my shoulder hard and squeezing the life out of my [expletive deleted] with her [expletive deleted]. She would have thrown me off the bed with her bucking but her limbs were wrapped around me so tight I had trouble breathing. We collapsed on the bed sweaty and bloodied with big silly grins on our faces.

After she rested a bit she grabbed me by the hair to drag me up out of bed and said “Okay, enough [expletive deleted]fun, get your [expletive deleted] clothes the fuck on and get the [expletive deleted] out of my [expletive deleted] house. Oh, and give me your [expletive deleted] phone number you [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted]...” I got dressed, wrote my number on a piece of paper for her and said “Nice to meet you, my name’s Sam.” To which she replied “My name’s Leeza, now get the [expletive deleted] out you [expletive deleted]-sucking [expletive deleted] son of a [expletive deleted]...” and patted me on the ass as I stepped outside. I limped down the street sore and bleeding from various parts of my body thinking “Wow, what a friendly, sociable girl...”

A few days later she called me. “Sam, getting your [expletive deleted] little [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] dick over here and [expletive deleted] stick it in my [expletive deleted] ass right the [expletive deleted] now!” she hollered over the phone. “Yes ma’am.” I replied and went to her house. She was lubricated and ready to go, her ass in the air in bed when I arrived. I stripped and mounted her, grabbed her hair and started slam [expletive deleted] her hard. This time I was the biter, sinking my teeth into her shoulder till I tasted blood. She moaned and bucked as I did a reach around and rubbed her clit with one hand and twisted a nipple with the other till it bruised. She bucked and moaned and swore at me. It felt like I was having sex with a mountain lion. When I thought she was about to come I slammed her face-first into the wall. She chipped a tooth and got another bloody nose. She collapsed in a sweaty heap while I pulled out and sprayed my juice on her tanned, muscular ass.

Yeah, sex with Leeza was like an hour in the ring with Hulk Hogan only more violent. We’d punch, kick, scratch, bite, throw each other off the bed, knock one another against the wall, and roll around the floor tearing out each other’s hair, but in the end my balls were completely empty, drained of every last drop of semen. I walked away from her house battered, bruised, sore, and exhausted with cauliflower ears, black eyes, and split lips, but I always had a big smile on my face. Once I got stopped by a cop who thought I had been in a fight and wanted to file a domestic abuse report on Leeza but I explained to him that being in her [expletive deleted] was totally worth the bruises.

We hooked up about half a dozen times to [expletive deleted] like rabid dogs before her company transferred her back to Arkansas. I never saw her after that but it was fun while it lasted. The lesson I learned was simple, but it was one many berks fail to comprehend: when a woman throws herself at you, catch her! Too many people let opportunities slip away because of propriety, morals, or just plain fear of the unknown. It is always better to regret what you did than to regret not doing it. Also, a tight pussy is worth a few bruises; don’t be afraid to get rough so long as everything is consensual.