Before you judge, hear me out.
I am a new mom of a beautiful one-year-old girl. I have a lovely husband, whom I love dearly and I work at my dream job supporting young people who deal with mental health concern and addictions. I can honestly say I love my life.
I am highly involved in community initiatives for the disadvantaged. I am an advocate for social justice; some people might say that I am an activist. I do not necessarily like this term because I feel I am just doing the right thing. I am also a visual artist. My art can be described as political but I just like to think of it as a voice for the struggles and success our communities face.
My family and friends respect me and what I do.
I work really hard to live a normal life and to work on my wellness on a daily basis. In my somewhat short life, I have endured many traumas. Maybe in the future, I will write about those. Maybe by knowing some of my background, you will understand me a little better.
I am a believer that your past can truly shape who you become. No matter how hard you try to heal, your past traumas have a huge impact on your brain. They change the healthy patterns, making it extremely difficult for people like me to change the pattern created by the childhood traumas. This is what I tell myself at least... deep inside I know that for some reason, I enjoy the dark alleys in my brain. I live a fulfilling life, but there is a dark side of me that has been hiding underneath for too long and it is eager to come out.
When I think of myself, I think of the Yin-Yang symbol. The difference is that that I am either really good, or really bad, with no in between.
A few months ago I found myself daydreaming again. My daydreams consist of me doing some kind of sexual act or erotic play with complete strangers. I could picture myself taking total control of someone's mind and the thought of them being aroused by me, arouses me.
I was also on maternal leave this past year. After a few months of only receiving government funds, my bank account started to suffer. I had to dip into my savings account; it was brutal.
That evening as I put my baby down for a nap, I grabbed my laptop, opened a private browser, and searched up "how to become a webcam girl." I told myself, "enough daydreaming. Let's search it up!"
Many entries popped up, mostly to porn pages. As I worked my way down, I stumbled upon a link which stated that it was an easy and safe process to become a webcam girl. I clicked on it and to my surprise, it had no nudity and it looked professional. It made me feel safe and less dirty.
As I continued to read, I started to get excited. I thought I could finally do the one bad thing I always wanted to do. I got a thrill from thinking that this could be something I could do, nobody would ever know, and I could make extra cash doing it.
Inside, I felt a little remorse. I thought about what would happened if I ever got caught. You would think the consequences would stop me from signing up, but instead, I proceeded to provide an old hotmail address, the one I no longer use, the one I created in my teens, the one that ends with 69.
The process of signing up was not hard. The website required proof of who you are, by providing government documentation.
As my baby woke up from her nap, I quickly closed my laptop after exiting the private window.
I put a smile on my face as I picked her up.
That night, I went to bed thinking about what I had done earlier. I thought about the money I was about to make.
I also felt my inner ego surface with no remorse, the ego that for many years I worked so hard to put away. Tonight, that ego had a name. Its name was Princess Jazmine.