Awkward First Romance

Chapter 4: Jack

Why did I say that? Why did I say any of those things? I am the biggest idiot and asshole in the world. How could I have said the most homophobic things in the world and to my best friend that I’M IN LOVE WITH? I know I hurt his feelings. He thinks I can’t tell when he is emotionally upset but I can. He gets quiet, withdrawn and usually his eyes lose their glow. All of those things were present. Alex was so upset with me or the situation.

I just couldn’t help it when it blurted out. It’s the biggest drawback of being an introvert. We are methodical and analytical but the moment we get flustered we say things that make no sense or are even the opposite of what we mean.

As I was falling backwards I was freaking out. Time slowed down but then a strong force pulled me back and I collided with Alex. We went down to the ground and I was on top of him. Our sweaty bodies and thinly covered crotches were rubbing against each other. He held me against his chest firmly and for the briefest of moments I felt supreme happiness at what seemed like a dream coming true. Then reality came crashing and I was forced to see the situation for what it was.

Me a gay boy in love with his best friend in the most sexually stimulating position we could be in. I freaked out and said stupid things and then doubled down on those stupid things. The pain in Alex’s eyes was so obvious to me. I wanted to kiss him on the spot and tell him that I’m in love with him which is why I am acting like an idiot. I couldn’t do it though. I was too scared.

The silent walk back to the house is painful. All I can see is Alex’s beautiful back flexing as he walks. I can’t help but trace every last inch of his body with my eyes. The way his athletic shorts make his butt look so perfect. I am lusting over my friend while he is in pain. I am a horrible person.

We get back inside and Alex goes to the fridge. I assume he is grabbing his coke but he grabs the tea instead. That is a clear sign he is upset. Alex drinks tea as if it was life blood anyway but he also loves coke and he doesn’t pass coke up for anything unless he is upset. He closes the fridge door before I can get my hand in. I don’t think he did it on purpose but I can’t tell at this point.

He pours the tea into a glass and sets the pitcher down on the counter. He walks around to the other side where the bar is and grabs our shirts. He holds onto his and tosses mine down on the chair but misses and lands on the floor. I have to admit this is pissing me off. It’s not like I did anything wrong. I mean yes I yelled at him but still.

“Seriously Alex? Why are you acting like this? I’m sorry I got freaked out about you holding me and I said stuff I shouldn’t have but you don’t need to act like I throat punched you.” I demand. Alex gives me a serene look and smile. “Jack, you’re my best friend. I’m not acting in anyway that’s negative. You know there isn’t a single thing on earth I wouldn’t do for you. I am just not up to the walk into the woods. If you want me to take you back so you can play a game or something, it’s not a big deal.” Alex says.

He is deflecting. Alex is not going to talk about it clearly. I decide to just drop it and ask him to take me back. The drive back is silent. Alex doesn’t say anything the entire time. He drops me off at the house and tells me he has to go somewhere for a little bit. I try to ask him where but he takes off before I can. Luckily I have a key, I’ve had one for a year now. I head inside and grab a drink.

I can’t help but feel guilty over everything. I need to learn to control my body. I just want Alex so badly and that is on me. It isn’t his fault and he doesn’t know how I feel. If he did then some of the blame would be his. I just can’t tell him the truth. As much as it hurts not being with him how I want to, it would be worse to not have him at all.

I pull out my phone and shoot my friend Megan a text and ask her if we can hangout tomorrow. I want her opinion on what to do. It is going to be a big step for me to come out to her but I know Megan is an avid LGBT supporter so I’m not too concerned. I’m more concerned on how she is going to react to me admitting my love for Alex. I want to talk to her now but it is short notice.

I take my drink and a bag of chips and head upstairs to Alex’s room. I start up his PS5 and start to play Final Fantasy VII Remake. It is a wonderful game. Alex’s Dad was an avid gamer in his day and honestly to this day. His Elden Ring character puts ours to shame. He passed on that love of gaming to Alex and because of Alex I love games too. I have a crush on Cloud. He is beautiful. He reminds me of Alex to be honest.

I play the game for a couple of hours and that’s when I notice Alex still isn’t back. I pause the game and call my friend. He answers on the third ring. “What’s up Jack?” Alex asks. He sounds better. “Where are you? It’s been a couple of hours. I’ve been worried. Are you coming back?” I ask.

I can hear laughter in the background. Does he have me on speaker? “Sorry, I’ve been with the guys from the football team. I’ll be back in a little bit.” Jack says. I begin to say bye but I am silenced by a click. He hung up on me. He has never done that before. Is he really that upset? I don’t understand. I want to continue to be angry but I am stopped with a text. Sorry, we’re busy. I’ll be back in an hour or three. An hour or three? What the Hell? All Alex did for weeks was tell me how happy he was for me to move back so we could spend time together and now he is hanging out with his “bros” from the team. I am so pissed.

Hours pass as I play the game. I finally hear the closing of the front door. I pause the game and run downstairs to give Alex a piece of my mind but it is his Dad. “Hey Jack, how was the woods?” He asks me. “Where’s Alex?”

I look away. “I don’t know. We weren’t down there very long and then Alex left me while he went to hangout with the football team.” I word vomit. Why did I say that? “Did he? That’s odd. He texted me how you guys were having a lot of fun today. Especially because I impressed how important it was that you not be alone.” Mike says. Oh shit. I shouldn’t have said that.

“Mr. Le Dumas, please don’t tell him I told you anything. He is already upset with me and I don’t want him to be even more angry.” I say. My new father figure smiles. “Don’t worry, him not being here is kind of all the evidence I need. He won’t know you told me.” Mike says. I am still nervous. We talk a little bit more and asks me what happened. I explain to him about us falling and me saying stupid shit.

“Can I ask you something? I want you to be honest. I love you like a son Jack and there is nothing you can’t ever tell me.” Oh god. Before I can say anything. “Are you in love with Alex?” He asks me. I feel all of the blood in my body drain. I begin to stutter like an idiot and if it wasn’t for Alex coming through the front door I would have been forced to lie or tell the truth and die.

“Hey Dad! Jack. What are you guys doing?” He asks. I can’t help but notice the lack of enthusiasm in how he said my name. “I was just wondering where you’ve been all day. You told me you were with Jack but when I asked where you were, Jack said he hasn’t seen you for a while.” Alex looks at me questioningly. I look away.

“I was hanging out with the guys. They wanted to hangout and Jack really wanted space from me so I gave it to him. I don’t see the problem.” Alex says defensively. “The problem is that Jack has been here 24 hours and you two are already fighting and you’re lying to me about it. Do you want to explain to me why you’re lying?” Mike asks.

“We’re not fighting. We just had a disagreement and I needed space so I didn’t act like anything but the perfect friend and son!” Alex shouts. I’ve never seen him this angry before. I don’t understand why he is so mad. I know I wasn’t nice but I wasn’t that mean either. “Mr. Le Dumas, Alex, it’s not a big deal. I get that he needed some time to relax.”

Mr. Le Dumas drops the issue for now. Alex goes upstairs and I go after him. I walk into the room as soon as he is in. “Alex . . . I’m sorry. I didn’t know you told him we hung out all day. I didn’t mean to-” Alex cuts me off. “It doesn’t matter. I needed to think about our situation and I happened to run into some of the guys. I went and ordered your bed. It will be here tomorrow. I’m going to sleep in the guest room tonight. Once your bed is here then we can set it up so you have your own room. That’s what you want right?” Alex says cooly. It isn’t what I wanted. I wanted Alex. I wanted to be under his touch every night.

“Alex. I don’t understand what’s wrong. We can sleep in the same bed. You’re my best friend.” I say. Alex scoffs. “Listen, you made it clear you don’t like two guys being friendly and affectionate. I didn’t think you were homophobic man. It’s got me upset and I need to cool down for a minute. I love you no matter what but I didn’t think you were that kind of person.” Alex says. Is this real life right now? Is Alex mad at me for homophobia? Oh my god! Why is this my life?

I move closer to Alex. “Wait, please! I’m not! I want to sleep in the bed with you. You’re my best friend. I’m sorry I upset you! Please forgive me.” I grab his hand and pull him into a hug. Alex doesn’t react at first. He eventually returns the hug and holds me tight. He whispers into my ear. “I’m sorry too. I just get too emotional sometimes. I took out my own frustrations on you and you don’t deserve that.” I shudder at his whisper. I can feel myself growing harder below. Alex is holding me so tightly there is no way he isn’t going to notice. Alex won’t let go of me. He is rubbing my back and keeps uttering apologies to me.

“Alex, come on, it’s getting late. Let’s sleep.” I suggest. Alex pulls away. “No. I think you need your space. You said what you said and you obviously meant it. Perhaps it came out wrong but I know you. You meant the main point. I’m going to sleep in the guest room and then tomorrow you’ll have your own room.” I feel my heart cracking. I don’t want this. Completely. I try to reassure him I am ok with it and want to sleep in the same bed with him but Alex insists that we don’t.

He grabs a spare blanket from his closet and one of the pillows. Alex walks out of the room and across the hall. I follow him and watch as he throws the blanket down and strips out of his clothes. He didn’t realize I was watching. Alex turns around to close the door and spots me. “Jack! What are you doing?” He asks.

“Are you still mad? I don’t see why we can’t just sleep in the same bed.” I plead. Alex smiles and walks closer to me. He gives me a hug. “We can’t keep pretending we have a normal friendship. You aren’t wrong about that. I don’t want me hanging on you all the time to prevent you from getting a girlfriend or something.” Boyfriend. You. That’s what I want and need. “Alex, I don’t care about that. I just want you and me to be ok. I can’t live without you.” I say with tears in my eyes.

“You’ll never lose me. We’re going to be roommates in college and you’re going to be living with me here.” Alex pulls away and kisses me on the cheek. I feel electricity shoot through me. He has never done that. He stares at me for a moment and then stretches. “Well . . . I need to sleep. You don’t mind, do you?” I nod, unable to say anything. I walk out and he closes the door.

I go into the bedroom and close the door. While I don’t want to be alone, I take the opportunity afforded to me. I lock the door and strip off all of my clothes and get into Alex’s bed. I soak up the smell of him. I can feel myself already getting hard. I look around and inside his nightstand is some lube. I use it and coat myself. I close my eyes and with my not wet hand put one of Alex’s pillows on my face and sniff as I pleasure myself.