Autism; The Adult Industry, Morality, and Love

Have I met a single person that I haven't shocked in one way or another? I'd doubt it. To any degree, the shock factor has not been lost. I was helping someone with school recently, and he could not believe my job titles. A solar certified electrician working towards a non-profit company, still pursuing a Microbiologist goal, writing a memoir and animated series, while producing homemade amateur content. Sounds like a lot, but I'd have it no other way! He did say something that intrigued me... "If you aren't making money while you are sleeping, you won't get anywhere," but that had been as much my reason for exposing myself and posting on any medium. To help people and make money. The more money I can make, the more good I can do.

I've met so many souls on both sides of the stereotypical tracks. Studying those who think emotionally and not logically has helped along my journey. Usually I get, "You don't look Autistic," but we'll skip past those formalities because at the end of the day, that was quite the point. To learn control and not have meltdowns. I'd been second highest on the honour roll, so if the adults weren't going to be helpful, I'd just figure it out on my own. By first impressions, most also wouldn't assume that I smoke the Devil's Lettuce either... Hindsight is 20-20 at best.

What makes a Pornstar? That 'star' part had always thrown me off. Over a decade ago, a sims style game came out called 'Playboy Mansion'. A visibly nerdy boy started sporting a T-shirt that had the logo on it. I'd been trying to get a three-some, figuring I wouldn't get bullied anymore if I did. The T-shirt gave a weird boy with low self-esteem quite the boost. We'd all laugh at the idea that I could ever be in Porn, or that anyone would even want to watch me perform.

I wouldn't find myself attractive till 26. These negative connotations of myself shifted as slowly as tectonic plates. But as they finally had, I considered the adult industry. Simply for the morality I'd always had around sex. Not to show up my bullies, or as an easy way to bang lots of women. Other peoples verbal validation often went a long way. If I got the job, I must have been decent looking.

At 27, I came across a job offering looking for unknown male performers from an up and coming company, and the only requirement was essentially confidence. I reasoned the pay would suck if they offered to pay me at all, but I wasn't interested in the money aspect at the time. Looking for confidence and a way to have sex that didn't involve committing or being like every other guy.

While I wouldn't get my official diagnosis till 28, I'd still studied myself enough. I was worried about what I'd be able to handle. I was perfectly okay with the other performer, we were both there to have a good time, make money, and leave the rest at the door. I didn't care if people watched a video of me performing, but was instantly uncomfortable with the idea of a full production crew, all the eyes and equipment. Someone 'directing' me on how to perform my art. Camera men out of frame but up close and personal. Microphones in the air. A reminder of a video I saw once where he kept falling asleep and hitting the models in the head with the microphone. Rightfully, she finally lost it. A production crew, director, and retakes.

Pretty much everything unnatural about something that came quite naturally to me. While I'd started to mediate a long time in the past, I still worried about the possibility of becoming overstimulated and making a completely different type of scene no one wanted, while ruining other nerdy boys chances of joining the industry. Once I'd obtained the resources to seek out an official diagnosis, I'd only gained another reason to join though. Catch-22's.

I'd been that stereotypical nerd you see in the movies. Wide eyed. I started my first business in Grade 2 and was reading dictionaries and encyclopedia's the same year. You ladies? You'd been my girls-next-door. The Mothers I'd Like to Formally get to know, were equally a confidence booster. I'd never forget the mom I had the hots for, who told me I was the cutest boy ever, gave me a kiss, and told me to never change. That was our little secret. But if you're in Grade 7, getting kisses from attractive single mothers, you have to wonder what the possibilities really are. Over the years, my movie-like brain constructed many different scenes from the angle of "the nerdy boy who shouldn't, but did get lucky".

I'd worked hard throughout all of life's adversities, but something had shifted over the horizon in the two years since I'd really started to consider this; homemade porn. The pieces just started to fit in place among a bigger picture that formed. I already had all this equipment and knowledge from 10 years in the YT game. Could I eliminate all the people I'd have to pay, and run this porn idea myself? Could I make some money, doing something I love, and take the money to fund something else I love?

At that very instance, someone asked me if I knew any autistic [albeit female] Pornstars. While there had been speculation around one individual, there was nothing concrete. And while I'd definitely love to show her a good time, I have a long way to go for that to become possible. While I understood the many reasons for the lack of representation, I also figured there was no time for change like now.

I never fit those stereotypical models of Autism. Back in the 90s, it was widely accepted and believed that people with Autism weren't capable of love. That was always going to be my biggest weapon in the bedroom; how much I cared and respected the ladies and what we'd do together. The best lays I've had, felt more like intellectual chess matches. Except both of us were winning by the end.

After the first couple of homemade productions, a friend piped up and said I was a Pornstar now. I didn't feel like one... Had it simply been the act of recording and posting that made me one, or do I need to be employed by a legal enterprise to gain the title? Am I simply a new breed in this new world? A homemade Pornstar? Or was the unofficial right of passage awaiting my discovery in the form of subs, views, rank, or wealth?

"And you know the first thing that voice said to me when I got off the ship? This is the new world... and in the new world... you can be whoever the fuck you want," Maeve from Westworld.

I'd always wondered how we'd gone from the days of Roman sex orgy parties, to seemingly watching our proclivities through television media that often seems like soft-softcore porn. Is Porn the sexual equivalent to music's Nickleback? A census to dislike something while it's clear that someone's buying it. But it was another friend who piped up with a question around morality.

I'd already contended with that. The long story short was that my adult sex life sucked for a long while. I did something few Millennials my age do, fewer males none-the-less. I fell in love before I gave a girl my Coffee Card, and nothing about anything made logical sense after. I'd first been convinced there was no difference between 'Making Love', and 'Having Sex'. I'd ran the scenario in my brain before.

I'd invited a girl over to 'Make Coffee'. Low and behold, it tasted like coffee. I redid the experiment, but this time we agreed we were 'Making Love' instead. They tasted the same! So I was in for a wild ride having also fallen for something I didn't even know had a term till recently; a Princess by day, slut by night.

I never thought of her as a slut though, but worshipped the ground she walked on. I wanted to get on my knees and do naughty things to her, but what I wanted to do, seemed a little abstract for high school. Since I moved out at 16, that also opened the door for a very adult-like relationship. I didn't know what a 'treasure trail' was, let alone when a taller girl was dominating me with her hands. With her ability to slow down time, while me also being overstimulated, it led to a very Penelope Cruz-like sex life [Watch sex scene from Blow for context].

I went through life trying to recreate something that had happened naturally. There was no synthetic bio-chemical reaction that could be recreated in the lab as such. While I'd grown past it, it will always been a stain of disappointment to a weird who'd really just wanted a fairytale kind of love. The reality that in this world, I'd been as close to it as I might have ever been. And with a Princess that was as unconventional as I was.

Yet the journey of life has led me here. I missed out on a lot being morally conflicted, but that's okay. I'm just going to have some fun for awhile now. I made sure my Princess still smiled in her adult life. I've come to find a lot. One key thing, was there being a point when trying too hard became counterproductive. In all aspects of life. Content creation, working hard for the man, or even sex.

Will I find a love that strong again? Honestly, I doubt it for so many reasons. I had to become an Alpha for one, and a lot of the things that once made the girls in my life extremely special to a beta male, no longer pertain. That Low, arguably No-income Knight in Dusty Armor no longer needs protection. A girl slowed down time the moment I saw her, and I've never known how to top that. I've never known how long to commit before saying "I don't think the slowing down thing is going to happen..." while simultaneously wondering if it ever would again. I hope to love that strong and be naked in more forms than just sexually. I hope I just haven't met her yet. I hope someone challenges my opinions. I'm simply just a realist. But I also know I've met far more potential having not tried so hard to find it again.

I came to the realization in the end that the adult industry just contained far less morality for myself, than I'd ever found in a prude society. Here we were upfront. Consent. Boundaries. A willingness to be open about sexuality. To not feel terrible for wanting to lead a safe and active sex life. I'd never wanted to be the "steal yo girl" guy, even though it worked. I hated going to the bar because I grew to wake up "like every other guy". My reality was that I'd dreamed of monogamy, while having come across divorce stats young. I'd simply reasoned I needed to become a Greek God in bed for whoever I offered the rest of my future to. They seemed to have a common trend in one form or another; sex. Infidelity, not enough, ect. An overall lack of honesty and openness. But like most things, it wouldn't be a surprise in the end. I'd come to find I knew more about the moms in my life, especially their past, than their own husbands.

The adult industry has left a lot of those pressures and expectations out of it for myself. Sex had lost all of it's fun and meaning with that expectation to be everything but what I wanted to. There's no leading people on here. This is no less a business endeavor for myself than anything I do. I figured the industry could use some equal representation. Those who're neurodiverse will know that they both have the option to be, or not be, in the Adult Industry. And to prove the point that anyone with autism can fuck just as good, if not better than someone without. That's not to say we all enjoy fucking though for one reason or another. Some didn't make it across the esoteric third person boundary. The self awareness of how weird an act they're performing was. I did, and the more animalistic the sex, the better.

Sex had never been the way to my heart, and that was always lost in context. I wanted to marry my best friend, not my best lay. Both had just happened to come hand in hand at one point in life. If lightning struck once, I have to imagine it's bound to strike again. Did you know you have better odds of being struck by lighting TWICE in your life, than winning the lottery? So ya' know... I think I will bet on those odds after all...