I cannot believe I let her drag me here. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for people being free to love who they love, but I cannot believe I'm in a lesbian bar. I have this one friend, we've been friends since we met in college and since I love her so much I agreed to come to a lesbian bar with her. I feel awkward here. I'm not dressed like anyone else here. Most of the women here are dressed as one might describe as "lesbian". I have no idea what that means but apparently it means that compared to what they are wearing I scream "straight" or so says my friend. “Well that seems fitting” I tell her back, she just laughs and drags me further into the bar.
As we wait for the bartender I take more time to look around. There are women dancing with women, women flirting with women, women kissing women, it's different for sure. As I sit on my stool I realize that I'm nearly invisible to these women. A very strange occurrence. Now I'm not conceited, though most people assume I am, but I can state truthfully that often when I walk into a room I get looks from most of the men in that room, some subtle and some obvious. I think it's my blue eyes and blond hair men apparently love that. But here in this bar, nothing. It's weird. Maybe lesbians don't love blond hair and blue eyes like men do. My friend Melanie tells me it's because they take one look at me and know I'm straight. I tell her that's ridiculous that one cannot tell that a woman is straight just based on a look. She asks me to look at myself from their perspective, so I do.
I'm wearing my glasses, my blond hair is down. My black cotton blouse is buttoned to an appropriate level, not too constricting to me but certainly not too low to give anyone a show. I'm tucked into my dark blue jeans which are belted with a simple black leather and silver buckled belt. Perhaps it's my shoes. I refuse to deny it, my passion is for shoes. Today I chose a beautiful pair of classic Louboutin's, black with a striking red sole. It must be that because I realize there are not many if any at all, heels in the crowd. That's it, now I know what she's talking about, my heels give me away.
"Tara, it's a shame you're so damn smart but sometimes you're so clueless," Melanie responds. "Yeah the shoes don't help your case, but it's everything. You're a GIRL, head to toe. Your hands are as manicured and perfect as a gay man's, there isn't a thing out of place on you." I frown at her, somehow, for whatever reason, feeling inadequate as a lesbian, well a fake lesbian, or whatever. "It's not a bad thing Tara, it's just the reason why it's such a different experience here for you than in a normal bar. Think of it as a kJ safe haven for you. And bonus for me, I don't actually have to protect you since no one seems to be hitting on you."
"Gee, thanks," I respond. "Women who love women don't love me." Suddenly, and stupidly I feel like not being attractive to women makes me less of a woman. Clearly I need a drink, I've begun to be concerned that I'm not getting hit on by lesbians even though if I were, it wouldn't actually be reciprocating back.
"Tara, shut up and drink this" Melanie says as she hands me a shot. The vodka slides down my throat and leaves a slow burn all the way down to my stomach.
"Thanks," I say but I've already lost Melanie, she sees a woman across the bar and she is transfixed. "Melanie? Melanie! Oh forget it." I turn to the bar and ask the bartender for a vodka on the rocks with a lime.
Melanie turns to me, "Tina, you'll be alright right? I mean you're not getting bugged, think you can handle your own while I go buy that hottie down the way a drink?"
I roll my eyes, "Of course I'll be fine, aren't I always?"
"You're the best!" And with that Melanie hops off her bar stool and is off.
The bartender hands me my drink and I turn to watch the dance floor. I love to watch people, I could do it all day long, which is perfect for Melanie tonight. She can do her thing with the ladies and I'll watch the room move.
I've only been watching for a few minutes when I think I see someone familiar in the sea of bodies. It was too quick a glance and the sea is constantly moving and my view has been obstructed by moving bodies. But then there she is again. I can see her profile and I'll be damned if the profile doesn't look at hell of a lot like Maria who is a good friend from the office. My office wife everyone always says. There's no way it's her. What would she be doing in a lesbian bar? No. it must be someone with a similar build and hair cut. I mean Maria is straight. She dates men. Right? But as the doppelgänger’s dance partner spins her so they are front to back, she's spun my direction and I get a clear view of her front and her face. It IS Maria. I had no idea she was gay!
For a brief moment, I consider maybe she's not and she's HER friend's straight friend but before I'm even fully able to consider that idea her dance partner moves her hair off her neck and takes a long lick from her shoulder to her ear. I hold my breath. Definitely not straight. Her hands are now holding Maria’s hips and whether it's the dancer or Maria I don't know but Maria is clearly pushing herself back into the woman. I look away. I shouldn't be seeing this. I glance back, the woman's hand is on Maria’s stomach underneath her shirt. I REALLY shouldn't be seeing this. They're one step away from having sex on the dance floor.
I feel wrong. Maria's personal life is personal and she is living it and I should not be apart of it. If she wanted me to know this part of her she would have told me she was a lesbian. And I'm most certain that if she didn't want me knowing she is a lesbian she surely doesn't want me watching her. But try as I might, I can't not watch. There's no question about my sexuality, I'm straight, but as I watch them move I can't stop my heart from beating faster and heavier. I can't help but feel warmer all over. And I certainly can't stop the throbbing that has begun between my legs. This must be what it's like for a man watching lesbian porn. Straight or not, what's happening on the dance floor is hot, I'd dare anyone to watch them and not get a little tingly.
Maira has now turned back to her dance partner and they are now a tangle of limbs. I can see Maria’s leg trapped between the other woman's. I watch entranced as they grind down on each other's legs. Maria now has her head thrown back and the other woman is now slowly licking from the hollow of her neck up until she reaches her chin. Maria looks back down at her and their mouths fuse. Unconsciously I lick my lips. My mouth has gone dry. I reach for my drink and take a sip. I look away for a millisecond to place it back on the bar and when I look back Maria has her back to her partner again. Her partner has again is licking her neck. I watch as she bares her teeth and bites down on Maria’s neck. When she does I swear I see her hand creep up underneath Maria’s shirt to grab her breast. Maria's head falls back and her chest pushes outward. The woman drops her hand away from her chest and settles it on the top of her jeans. I see her thumb hook into Maria’s jeans and she dangles her hand there. I watch as her fingers drop to Maria’s jeans and push. I think about where her fingers must fall and feel my own legs and stomach clench. Maria responds by moving her hips forward toward the fingers and then back into the woman's center. I can feel myself getting wetter than I ever would have imagined just from watching two women dance. Maria turns back around to face her partner again this time when she turns she looks up and for half a second our eyes lock. Oh shit, I think as I try to make it look as though it was a complete coincidence that our eyes met. Maybe I can make it seem as though I was scanning the crowd just as she looked my way.
Oh shit, I think as I try to make it look as though it was a complete coincidence that our eyes met. Maybe I can make it seem as though I was scanning the crowd just as she looked my way. I look anywhere but where I've been staring for the past however long. When I finally think it's safe to look back, just to make sure she didn't see me of course, I see her once again fused to her dance partner, mouths locked. I decide, Melanie is on her own, I have to get out of here before we make eye contact again and I won't be able to call it a scan of the crowd. I turn back to the bar and begin looking for Melanie. I don't see her where she and the other woman were before. Crap, I think, now I actually DO have to scan the crowd. I begin skimming the crowd again this time hoping I find Melanie and not Maria. I finally see Mel. I down the rest of my drink, drop some bills on the counter and hop off my stool. I wind my way through the sea of dancers and finally reach Melanie. Thank God.
"Melanie. Melanie!" I grab her arm to get her attention. She looks at me, "Hey Tara, here to dance?"
"No Melanie..." she instantly cuts me off. "Dance Tara!"
"What? No, Melanie, I have to go!"
"What? Why? Come on T, just one dance out here!" Melanie grabs my arm and forces me into a triangle with the woman from the bar and herself. I lean in to her and yell in her ear, it's so damn loud so I need her to hear me.
"Melanie I have to go home! Like now!"
"Oh fuck!" Melanie yells. She raises one finger in my direction and leans into the girl she's dancing with. She says a few things, the girl nods and continues dancing.
Melanie grabs my arm and drags me back to the bar. I'm trying to explain to her I have to go but even as we reach the bar she's still not actually speaking to me but rather dragging me. She steps up to the bar and orders three shots of vodka. I roll my eyes. I just need to leave and really wish she would let go of my hand. Three shots are set on the bar in front of her, she grabs one and hands it to me. "Drink it" she states. I sigh and take the shot hoping this will appease her and she'll let go of my hand so I can leave. I hand the empty glass back to her and she hands me another full one.
"What? No. Mel..."
"Drink it." You'd think she was mad at me the way she was looking at me. It's her own fault, if she'd just said goodbye to me earlier on the dance floor she'd could be out there dancing with her hottie instead of glaring at me. Which she is still doing.
"Fine," I huff, and take the shot and down it quickly. "May I go now?" My annoyance is beginning to show.
"No." She looks me right in the eyes, takes the third shot and downs it herself. She sets the drink down and looks back at me. She locks eyes and leans in. "Tara I love you, I think you're wonderful and you know that."
What the hell? I think. She wants to have a heart to heart now. She continues.
"Tara I refuse to let you leave here without at least having a little bit of fun."
"I did have fun, I love people watching." Especially tonight I think to myself.
"That does not count as fun.That counts as being a wall flower," she scolds. "What happened to the Tara who would go out with me in college? I know we didn't go out a lot but at least when we did you had fun. Tara, you're in the perfect place to just enjoy the night. No one is going to try to take you home and if they do, well you always have me to protect you. Come on, it's been too long since I've seen you move to the beat." She gives me her patent smile, the one that I can never say no to. Especially now that she's plowed me with alcohol and I'm starting to feel less constricted.
"Come on, Tara, how long's it been since you just let go and had fun? Besides you leave now and that buzz will go to waste at home alone." She knows she's got me. Or least that she got the alcohol to get me. She's right though, when was the last time I just had fun? And who's going to tell? No one knows I'm here... Crap. Maria.
"No I..." She doesn't know why I need to leave. If she knew she probably wouldn't care, she'd probably still be dragging me to the dance floor like she is currently. She's such a jerk, I think to myself not really seriously. And then next thing I know, I'm standing there with her looking me in the eyes, hands on my hips forcing them to sway with the music. I briefly glance around, I don't see Maria anywhere, she probably left. Lord knows I would have if I were her.
The combination of the alcohol, Melanie's smile and forced movements make me give in. "Oh hell," I say and start moving with the music. As I start to lose myself to the music I can feel my insecurity dropping away. I hate when she's right, but she is, she knew I'd start to enjoy myself if I just let go of whatever it is that keeps me on the sidelines.
Melanie is dancing partially with me and partially with her lady from the bar. A young woman dances up next to me. Clearly picking up a dancing partner in a lesbian bar is the same as in a straight bar. I turn towards her and start dancing. She’s a nice enough dancer, respectful enough. I look over at Melanie, she's definitely enjoying her dancing partner. I smile at her and return to my dance partner. After a short while she drifts out and someone else drifts in. For a little while I just enjoy dancing with my revolving partners. I'm definitely loose now and really enjoying myself but I definitely need a break. I tell Melanie I'm going to get a drink at the bar. I excuse myself from my dance partner and head to the bar. I'm tipsy. I love being tipsy, it allows me a freedom I don't usually give myself but doesn't leave me incapacitated. I lean over the bar knowing full well that if I were in a straight bar I'd have men ogling me, but tonight I don't care because the only person I'm leaving with tonight is Melanie. I order my vodka on the rocks and dig in my pocket for some cash. I don't even realize I'm doing it but while I dig for cash with one hand I unbutton two buttons on my blouse with the other. What? It's hot.
I turn back to the bar and finish my drink before asking for another. When I look back up the bartender had set my drink in front of me.
She stops me as I try to give her my cash. "It's been paid for," she says.
"Well give them back their money and take mine, I'm not having some one think they can just buy me drinks and..." I'm cut off.
"Then you can owe me one next time we do drinks after work," I hear.
I swing around, "Maria."
"I thought that was you Tara."
I can't help it, I blush, I'm hoping she can't distinguish it from the fact that I'm a bit colored from the heat of the bar and dancing and alcohol. The bartender walks away assuming the bought drink is okay since we seem to know each other.
"Hi," I say, not knowing what I should say.
"Never thought I'd run into you here," Maria says as she reaches around me to grab my drink off the bar. It must be the alcohol because my heart just fluttered a little. She hands me the drink and raises her glass, "Cheers." I tap my glass against hers and take a deep gulp.
"I'm here with my friend Melanie," I say motioning to the dance floor. "I'm surprised to see you here too," I say. Images of Maria and her dance partner flood back to my mind and I blush again and stare at my glass before I take a sip.
"Uhh, yeah," Maria clears her throat, "I come here every once in a while when I want to just dance and y'know enjoy a night out."
"Hmm." That's all I can say. She's looking at me so intently, I feel a bit awkward. I break eye contact with her because I can't take it anymore. Instead I find something interesting to look at towards my right. I only look for a few seconds, sure that my few second break is enough time to break Maria’s watchful stare. When I look back she's definitely not looking at my face anymore. I feel a drop of sweat moving it's way down my neck and realize her eyes are focused on that instead of my face. I watch her as she watches the droplet slowly crawl down my neck. When it reaches my collarbone I assume it will just get stuck there. I'm wrong and as it moves further down my chest I see Maria’s tongue slowly wet her lips. My core and stomach clench like before. I can feel my breathing become shallow. I feel the drop move further down my chest. It reaches the swell of my breast and suddenly I'm wishing it were Maria’s tongue making that path and not the sweat. I watch her as she watches it disappear, soaked up by the fabric of my bra. It's now that I realize that I had unconsciously undone some of the buttons on my blouse. Part of me wants to button them back up, the rest of me sees Maria’s stare ed, breathing heavy and my eyes are probably navy with lust.
This is insane, I think. I'm straight. But oh god I'm so turned on. I know I can't lie to myself about my currently state. Instead I shove that to the side for later and just stare back at Maria. I'd say something but I have no words right now. I don't know if I'd even be able to talk.
Maria breaks our silence, "Um, want to dance?" I practically moan hearing her lust-laden voice. I'm unable to speak so I just nod, never breaking eye contact, she places her drink on the bar, takes my drink from my hand and places it on the bar next to hers. She grabs my right hand with hers. Her hand is so warm and so soft a brief flash of what it would feel like elsewhere comes to mind. I force my brain to focus on walking with her. Still never breaking eye contact she is backing up onto the dance floor, holding my gaze and my hand.
We reach the dance floor. She places her hands on my hips and pulls me forward towards her. We are so close to touching, but we're not except for her hands on my hips. She starts to move and so do I, moving my hips back and forth to the music. I don't know what to do with my hands, I want to touch her but I'm not sure where so I let them move at my sides. Maria moves her hands off my hips. I instantly miss the contact. She places them under my arms and moves my arms to her shoulders. Once she's sure they'll stay there she slides her hands to my shoulders leaving goosebumps in their wake. She reaches my shoulders and slides her hands around my back and slides then down my back down to my hips. My breath catches in my throat feeling her hands slide down to my hips. They stay there for a moment before her left hand reaches around and settles on the small of my back. She uses her hand to pull me closer and I think I might pass out when my abdomen touches hers. Even though we're clothed the sensation of having Maria that close is euphoric. I'm so caught up with her closeness that I don't realize she has insinuated her thigh between mine until I feel it rub against me.
"Oh fuck," I say as I feel her thigh push against me. She uses her hand to pull me closer and my leg makes contact with her center.
"Jesus," I hear her say. Before I can push my leg against her again she's spun me again. Her hands have returned to my hips and she's pulling me back against her. I push into her and grind myself against her. I can feel her pulling me harder against her as she moves behind me. She's pressed against me fully and I feel her hot breath against my neck.
She lifts her head and whispers into my ear, "Tara, please." Her breath on my ear makes me moan out loud. I don't know how much longer I can last. My hands have reached up of their own accord and are stretching over my head weaving through her silky hair.
I tilt my head back and whisper back, "Yes. God yes." I don't even know what I'm saying yes to but if it involves Maria then right now, that's my only answer. She spins me back around and pulls my hips back to her roughly shoving one leg between mine and up to my center. I swear I see stars. My head drops to her shoulder. I'm not sure I've ever been this turned on before. It's Maria, she's a woman, and yet I can't bring myself to care. I push my leg up into her and I can feel her heat on my leg. It's intoxicating. I raise my head from her shoulder and look at her. Her eyes are black, she's flushed and staring at me. She breaks eye contact and stares at my lips. I see her lick her lips at the same time she presses her leg into me and pulls me down onto it and I swear I might come, right here on the dance floor.
She looks back into my eyes, "Tell me no now Tara, or else...." She doesn't have to finish, I know she means this is my chance, if I don't stop her now I won't be able to later.
I couldn't tell her no if my life depended on it. Instead I repeat myself from earlier. "Yes, God yes." And with that, permission granted she captures my lips with her own. It's a sweet kiss, despite what our bodies are doing her kiss is tender. She captures my lower lip between hers and I feel her tongue dart out to taste. I groan at the sensation and my jaw drops just a little. Maria takes advantage and slides her tongue into my mouth. I feel like I've just entered heaven. I can taste her drink from earlier. Her tongue wrestles with my own until I just can't keep up and give in to her. She runs the tip of her tongue against the roof of my mouth. We finally separate when oxygen is necessary.
I lean my forehead against hers. We're both breathing heavy. "Oh my God," I say. "Maria," I say as I raise my head. I look into her eyes. "Take me home." I feel more than hear her groan and her eyes close for just a second. She opens them and looks at me. I didn't think her eyes could get any darker but somehow they have.
"Get your stuff," she growls.