A Change in Sexuality

I want to start this out by stating that I have never been good at writing about myself and my experiences; last year around the same time, I wrote about my catfish story which I didn’t even proofread. It was a hot mess so I’m sorry if you stumbled upon it! In that story I touch base on my sexuality and how crystal clear I was about it and my experiences with it. However, I've found that it's important to let it out somehow and as a writing student I think I've found the best way. I hope this story makes sense and I hope someone out there finds it useful in some way!

My sexuality has never been up for debate (as said above). I knew from the age of 12 that I was NOT straight. I most definitely had romantic feelings for girls and boys (and for the most part, sexual feelings too). I remember being out with a group of my friends and talking about relationships, boys, and all that other stuff—sex was on the agenda too as we all had a sex-ed class that week and because girls and boys had to be separated during the talk about each sex's reproductive organs and puberty talk; we had to gather together and talk about it. I still don’t understand why schools do this. I think it’s just as important for boys to learn about periods as it is for girls. I think it’s easier for them to then understand what girls may go through and they can stop throwing the “she’s probably on her period” statement when a girl is angry. So, my girl pals and I had to play both nurse and teacher and explain what happened during our session and vice versa (of course the boys found it much more fascinating that we did). So whilst on the topic of relationships I told my friends that I had feelings for both boys and girls and that I would see myself dating both boys and girls, about which they didn’t really care much—they were my friends and I suppose they just wanted to see me happy. I did have one friend that agreed with me and said she wouldn’t be opposed to it, but after trying it herself said she wasn’t really into it and she’s quite straight (has a baby now). Regardless, I was excited about my newfound freedom in speaking about who I like and such, so that night I came out to my mother as bisexual and she, being the hardcore Christian that she was, said I was not bisexual and that it was just a phase, the old “hormones racing” statement that I’m sure you’ve all had came out. I don’t know what I’m talking about, my feelings will change... Okay, it hurt, but I moved on, got over it, and kept my feelings for both sexes to myself. So I kept the fact that I was, in fact, bisexual to myself and away from my parents for a very long time. But my friends still knew and again, it didn’t bother them.

I still remember talking to my very first bisexual girl and being overly excited and wanting to know more about it and get information on how she was feeling about it; however, she was less interested in talking to me than I was to her and she wasn’t very nice about it all. I got the hint and just left it at that. I eventually got my first same-sex relationship when I was 18 with a really cute girl. I was so excited when I had my first kiss with another girl and I think it all went to my head as I fell hopelessly for her and she wasn’t really feeling our relationship, so she broke it off and got herself a boyfriend. It hurt a lot more for some reason. I’ve been left by boys for other girls but there was something different about getting left by a girl for a boy.

I felt like being bisexual hurt and was mentally exhausting because I felt at competition with everyone; what does that guy have that I don’t? What does that girl have that I don’t? It was all a bit much but again, I got over it and I always ended up okay. I came out to my mother again when I was 18 and she was more understanding but still didn't fully accept it, which is fine... Whatever. I'm 20 now (21 in literally two days) and my sexuality has changed completely. I believe that I am asexual.

Asexual: a person who has no sexual feelings or desires.

I no longer have sexual feelings for anyone regardless of sex/gender. I am not a sex-repulsed asexual; however, I don't want to have sex, I don't get turned on by the idea of having sex or anything like that. I don't look at people and feel a sexual attraction anymore. It's more of an aesthetic type thing—I find people aesthetically pleasing to look at, but my human instinct to want to reproduce is, well, gone. And in all honesty, as confusing as it is... I'm happy with it. I no longer see myself as competition anymore, I no longer feel the need to constantly impress anyone in order to gain access into anyone's pants or anyone's heart. I feel free, I feel that I can live a life I want and not have to worry about if I do this one thing then my girlfriend/boyfriend won’t like me anymore. I no longer care about if I pick up or lose a bit of weight and if my partner is going to notice. I’m starting to do things for me and it feels right.

However, a downside is that I’m still very confused and mentally exhausted; a part of me is screaming “be you, be happy, fuck everyone else (but not literally),” and another part of me is screaming, “it’s just a phase, it’ll pass!" I feel like my left brain and right brain are actually fighting each other and I need to lay down in a dark room sometimes. My mom is in the sex industry and I swear every time she makes a sex joke or just comments about it I get uncomfortable, I just can’t deal with it. I need to take time to figure out, but I know for a fact I am now an asexual butterfly.

I have not come out as asexual to anyone yet, but I am going on holiday and I might come out for the third time to my mom and sister. I'll be coming out to my best friend in September when I go back to university. I think it’s going to be a lot more complicated because people might not understand and I’m honestly terrified of being told that it’s a phase. Wish me luck, I guess!

I hope all that have taken the time to read this. Follow me on my asexual adventure as more updates will follow & I hope someone out there has found this helpful.

Until next time!!