You Don't Hate Me

When you grow up with a well-off family and no ambition, you find yourself behind a screen most days, but when you find someone that just gets you, it’s easy to make them your everything. The problem with that is. They can be taken away. You never think that’s going to happen until it does. We were young and felt like the world was built for us and all of our dumb antics. There’s not much I could say about my upbringing other than that shit was draining, but still, I went on like nothing ever happened until that night.

It was the summer before my senior year and I wanted to spend it with the only friend I’ve ever had, a classic ebony beauty named Kari. cocoa butter-covered chestnut skin, long black curly hair, super smart, ambitious, and really into anime, she was the total package. Most people would think I would be jealous but I wasn’t, it was the exact opposite. I didn’t know back then and it’s too late now, but I'll always have the memories.

The summer before my senior year I had gotten a new car for my eventual graduation, my dad was too excited to wait but my mom was a little upset, but knowing that he and I would be happy the only thing she said was,

“ Don’t be reckless, and let us know where you’re going to be and when you expect to be back.” she smiled but I could see the slight fear in her eyes when she handed me the key. It always seems to be tough when parents have to accept that their kids aren’t kids anymore but I didn't give a shit about that, I GOT A NEW RIDE, BITCHES!

When I got out on that open road, I only had one destination in mind, Kari’s house. She was better off than my family so it was about a half-hour drive there. Most days her driver would pick us up but I have a sneaking suspicion that her driver is just her older brother because They have the same eyes. When get there I ring the bell at the gate,

“ Kimmy! You bitch, tell me you didn't get a car before me!” she laughs

“Let me in so I can rub it in your face!” I bit my lip in excitement when she hit the buzzer to let me in. When I pulled up to the front she came running out to congratulate me.

“ OH MY GOD, you got a Lambo?! YAS BITCH!”

I hastily got out of the car, forgetting to park properly. The car starts rolling down the driveway and I rush to stop it, nearly hitting the driver.

“ God, I am so sorry! I just got excited and I forgot-”

He remains stoic as he raises a hand calmly to speak,

“ It's alright young lady, I am unharmed but I appreciate your concern.” he lowers his hand as he walks toward the front door, greeting Kari as he passes, shutting the door gently behind himself. Kari looked at me with a shocked face and began to laugh,

“ Oh my god, girl. Are you trying to take out my ride so I’d have to ride with you?” still chuckling as she approaches the car to get a look at the inside.

“ shh, I’ll never tell you my motives.” I joked looking back to the windshield, “ Hey, does he always go through the front door like that? Aren’t employees supposed to enter from the side?”

Kari, not even paying attention says, “Yeah but my family has known him forever so they’re cool with him doing just about whatever. He’s kinda like my uncle.” She hops in the driver’s seat and starts pretending to drive, making car sounds and everything.

It was like, every little thing she did, made me smile back then. I miss her.

Chapter 2- It was just a party

A few months went by, and Kari and I would always hang out after school but she could never stay as long as she wanted to, her dad would always blow up her phone.

“ Why won’t he just leave me alone? I can’t wait for graduation, I’m going to leave and never come back.`` She leans back in the passenger seat as I drive her back home. I took a moment to look at her, that moment turned into a minute. Her long ebony legs rested on my dashboard, the passing street lights kissing her skin as if they were all saying good night. I whipped my head back when she started to sit up just in time to notice I was driving on the other side of the road.

“ HEY, DON’T KILL US! Not yet at least,” she shouts jokingly.

“ Sorry, I'm just tired.” I laugh, “ Maybe it’s a good thing your dad doesn’t let you stay out all night, right?” I waited for her to laugh or to say some quippy thing but she didn’t. She looked out the window and the rest of the ride while I spiraled, thinking I’d upset her. When I dropped her off she didn’t even look at me when she got out of the car,

“ Goodnight!” I shout as she continues to walk towards the house. She stopped right before the first step when her mother ran out of the house, screaming,

“ You son of a bitch! I can’t believe you’d accuse me of something like that!” She was so angry that she walked past her daughter without even looking at her. “ I’m leaving!” I didn’t know what to do so I pulled off slowly hoping no one could notice.

“ Have a goodnight, everyone,” I whispered awkwardly to myself, still feeling the need to be proper despite everything happening. I was about halfway home when my music cut off from an incoming call from Kari, I pulled over to answer. You know me, always the responsible one.

“ Hey K, you okay?”

Kari was sobbing, I could hardly understand what she was trying to say but what I did hear was,

“ Kimmy, I need you.” I didn’t give it a second thought, I turned around to go get her. All the thoughts in my head were racing, and replaying over and over, when I got to the gate Kari was already waiting outside with a backpack, which I assumed was filled with clothes. She hops in and shoves the backpack into the back seat, it brushes against my arm and my thought was, there was no way she had clothes in there.

“ What the hell is in that book bag?”

It took her a second to answer as she put her seatbelt on, sighing as she looked over at me and said,

“ We’re going to a party. Don’t worry, I know the guy throwing it and It’s BYOB so I stole some booze from my dad’s drawing room. Hurry up, before my dad notices I left.”

I waited until we got further down the road to ask what happened, she hesitated then looked out of the window,

“ My dad thinks our driver is my real dad. He thinks my mom was planning to run off with him or something, it's stupid really.”

I could tell I wasn’t ‘nothing’, but I let it go to avoid making the mood worse than it was.

“ Hang a left at the next stop sign.” she wipes her face before facing forward, excitement grew on her face as we pulled off to a street filled with fancy cars from other teens whose parents had way too much money.

“ How do you know this guy? You never talk about people you’ve met like that.” I try to find an open place to park that isn't someone’s yard.

“ What? I talk about him all the time, he’s like that captain of one of the sports teams or something. I don’t listen to him when he talks but he’s cute to look at.” she laughs. I also laugh but only to avoid discussing it anymore.

“ Gosh, there’s like nowhere to park.” I was hoping she’d change her mind and just ditch the party and stay the night at my place like we used to but she was going through something.

“ Just drive down, there’s like this crazy cliff no one goes to cause I think 5 people died there.”

“ Why do you wanna park there then?”

“ It’s secluded so no one will trash the car if they’re too drunk and It's empty so when you get pooped out from the crowd like you usually do you can come and chill here.” I smiled and a warmness filled my chest and my face. It happened from time to time but this felt so different. Just knowing that she thought of me like that made me feel seen.

“ Would you stay with me then?” I wanted to see how much she cared, a part of me knew that I was expecting too much though.

“ Yeah, if I get tired of the scene in there or if a guy keeps shooting his shots.” I parked and we took a second to look at the cliff. I didn’t find it that scary, though, it was kind of pretty. The lights below resembled the night sky but with more visible stars. Kari walked right up to the edge and took a peek down, her foot slipped and she fell forward. She screamed as I lunged to catch her but she still fell over the side, I had her by the arm using all my strength to pull her back up and she rested on my chest,

“ Wow, your heart is beating so fast.” she huffed, clearly trying to hide the fact that she was scared.

“ You could’ve died, of course, my heart is racing. I love- I love being your friend, I’d have no one if you died.” she sits up and smiles at me,

“ You were gonna say you loved me, weren’t you?” it was a good thing she wasn’t laying on my chest anymore because it felt like my heart was about to burst right out of my chest.

“ Let’s just go to this stupid party already, get drunk, and go home.” I pushed her off me, very gently and we started heading towards the house of drunken delinquents with no parental supervision.

Chapter 3- Too much to drink

We rang the doorbell, drinks in hand, waiting for someone to greet us but it wasn’t anything like that. Kari just opened the door to see tons of teens standing in unorganized groups talking and a few “pick me” girls dancing for the approval of the boy in attendance.

“ Well, this is nothing like the movies. The music is loud but the scene is dead.” I said while looking around at the preoccupied minors staging TikToks and taking Instagram selfies just to disengage from the crowd altogether. Kari didn’t mind though, she could make do with any situation.

“ Go find a comfortable corner and watch this,” she says, speaking right into my ear sending tingles down my spine. I know she just wanted to be heard over the music but after the cliff, I was a bit more on edge. I watched as she disappeared into the hoard of body spray abusers. It didn’t take long for the music to cut off, everyone looked up from their blue screens to see what happened to their ambiance. The sound of a microphone being tugged around filled the house and people were getting more confused,

“ Where the hell are the jams?” shouted one of the “pick me” girls, understandably eager to drown out those pubescent insecurities with extra bass and a catchy hook.

“ Okay.” Kari starts to speak on the mic, having finally gotten out of the hands of some nerd, “ This party is kinda dead, let’s spice it up some, huh?” some of the guys started to get excited, wondering what she was up to.

“ Alright, we’re gonna play a little game called ‘ get the fuck down, here’s how you play: everyone who wants to play stand in front of the DJ set up so I can see you, when the music starts you dance and when it stops you stop but if you’re still moving then you’re out-”

“ Yo! That’s just musical chairs without the chairs.” a guy nagged from the shadows of the crowds.

“ Well, you dick. I wasn’t finished, when you get out you have to strip and lay on the floor.

The crowd started to get more excited, boys started to lay under the pressure to see their lady friends join the game and girls egged on their guy friends, insinuating that they were afraid of being “too small”. It didn’t take long for a sizable group of pressured peers and fragile egos to join the game.

“ ALL RIGHT YOU FUCKERS, LET’S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!” The crowd cheered as on-lookers pulled out their phones to capture this moment of voyeurism and CP, they were kids and most of them weren’t going to college anyways, so what’s a sex offender charge? I’m joking, of course, they shouldn’t have been filming but it was too late to stop it, Kari already started the music.

“ I better not see any of you half-assing any dance moves, if you don’t try to dance you’re out! KYLE! I SEE YOU, BITCH! GET RID OF THOSE CLOTHES, BABY!” she pointed to a guy in a polo shirt and khaki pants with awful loafers that looked like he stole them from a homeless man that used to run a hedge fund. He looked a little apprehensive and made a fuss,

“ Come on man! We just started and you just came up with that rule.” The crowd looked at Kari wanting to know if she’d accept his complaint. She didn’t even hesitate when she respond,

“ NOPE! STRIP ‘EM BOYS!” a group of ‘chads’ all cheered while grabbing this poor sucker, so we can add sexual assault to the many laws this party broke. While everyone was getting into this game, I went to the kitchen to get myself a drink. I needed something to numb my beating heart from the anxiety but what would you know, Mr. Captain was also there talking with a group of girls about something- I didn’t quite catch the conversation due to all the commotion Kari had started.

“ TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF, LOSER!” I hear her shout from the other room, followed by guys cheering “TITS!” over and over again.

“ I guess some chick got out.” I chuckled to myself as I picked up a red solo cup and a bottle of wine, “ Wine? That’s kinda high brow for a high school party, don’t you think.” I say a bit louder not realizing I caught the eye of Mr. Capitan.

“ Yeah, my friend Jordan brought that. His family owns a vineyard out in the country, and one of the bottles they produce.” he slowly walks up to me, speaking sweetly but loudly. I thought maybe he’d be more aggressive but I hadn’t been able to find a red flag yet- to be fair, it's been about 5 seconds since he spoke to me.

“ So, I don’t think I’ve seen you around before. Are you like a party crasher or did I just not see you in the halls at school.” I take a sip of my cup forgetting that I never poured the wine into it, “ If you’d like I could pour you the wine, or do you just like the taste of air?” He says jokingly, flashing a charming smile. I was getting a little frustrated because I started to know why Kari liked him. He’s nice, witty, and handsome- I hate it.

“ Could I ask you something?” I just needed to find a flaw with this guy, what I was about to do was a little under the belt but I needed to see how he would react, “ What’s your body count?”

He looked stunned but smiled and leaned in to say it into my ear, “ About three or four, if you count repeated encounters, why?” I thought my heart would stop, I didn’t think he’d be honest or this forward. I didn’t know how to respond so I said,

“ My friend thinks you’re hot. I wanted to see what the fuss was.” still gripping that empty cup, I panicked internally. I didn’t have a buffer or a distraction.

“ I SEE YOU CHARLES! YOU CAN’T RUN FROM ME, BOYS GET HIS ASS!” Kari shouted from the other room, just then a kid ran through the kitchen with the group of “chads” pursuing him. Mr.Capitan sits up straight, popping open that bottle of wine. He looks at me offering to pour me a cup, desperate to lose my senses I nod, extending my cup.

“ Do you want to find a quiet place to chat?” he asked, speaking into my ear a second time. I didn’t get that gross feeling as I would with most guys who’d ask that plus I just couldn’t stand the thought of that guy running back through the kitchen naked. So I nodded and followed his lead, he took me to the drawing room- locking the door behind him.

“ You can sit, and make yourself comfortable.” He struts over to a cabinet that has more alcohol, pulls out a bottle of scotch, pours himself a glass then plops down in the seat across from me.

“ So, what’s your name?” swirling his drink, his voice changed to a more seductive tone.

“ Uh, Kimberly but friends call me Kimmy.”

“ Could I call you Kimmy? Or maybe Kim.”

I didn’t know how to react so I just said, “ Kim is fine, I guess.” taking a sip of my wine. The air filled with painful silence.

“ Well, aren’t you gonna ask for my name?” he laughs.

“ Oh, right. So what is your name?” my sip turned into a gulp, I was getting worried about where this conversation might lead.

“ You don’t have to be nervous, you know.” He saw right through me like I was purified glass, I just froze, “ My name is Damion but most people call me ‘D’ you can also call me that. Just so you know, I wouldn’t do anything without your consent.”

“ What do you mean?” setting my cup in my lap, taking the time to trace the rim with my finger, I just needed something to focus on besides this guy's pretty face.

“ S-so, Kari says you’re the captain of some sports team or something.”

“ sports? No, robotics.” he smiles proudly.

“ That’s kinda nerdy, you don’t look like-”

“ Like I’m smart? Yeah, people never think that, I work out for the fun of it and most girls only hear the word, ‘Capitan’ so It's hard to have a real conversation but you get used to it.`` The first time he looked down at his cup to take a sip, he was more affected by it than he was letting on but I didn’t want to say anything.

“ Wow, you’re not what I thought you were. So is there anyone you like? Cause you know, my friend said she liked you.”

He smiled at me, regaining that confidence.

“ Your friend. She’s the girl yelling at all my guests right now, right?”

I nearly choked on my drink when I laughed,

“ uh, yeah. She’s always been the life of the party and I love her for it.” I stare off into the distance, D took notice and smiled,

“ So is she just your friend or is there something deeper than that?”

“ what? No, we’re just friends. I’ve known her forever and we’re just super close is all.” I smiled, playing with my cup again, D smiled as though he knew something before I did.

“ Well, I don’t have a crush on anyone at the moment but I would like a friend that can have intelligent conversations, you know other than the people on the robotics team.” We both chuckled while looking at each other. I was worried he’d be trouble but he seemed cool. Meanwhile, Kari had to wrap things up because a few toxic criminals were getting out of hand. Of course, our school is full of assholes but the girls were getting scared. Kari came looking for me, asking around and one guy told her where I was. D and I were still talking about life and other things when we heard a bang on the door, he goes to unlock the door and Kari walks in,

“ Hey, you look cozy.” she never even stopped to look at D. She came right to me- right to me! “

Chapter 4- A little too curious

Are you ready to go yet or are you still having fun?”

“ O-oh um, if you wanna go we can go. We were just talking.” I look over at D and he smiles sheepishly at Kari,

“ Oh HEY! Mr. Capitan! Great party, man.”

“ Mr.Capitan?” he tilts his head in confusion.

“ Sorry, I forgot your names and I know you are the Captain of a team, so, you know. Mr.Capitan.” she overly explained, I think she was just drunk.

“ Well, Kim and I were just talking-”

She stuck her hand out, cutting him off, “ Kim? How long did you guys talk? Took me about a year before I could call her Kimmy, what kind of sorcery have you done, sir? Tell me to know, and I will tell the church!” we shared a laugh,

“ All I did was ask. So, Kari, I heard you found me handsome. Is that true.” he starts to walk toward her almost seductively, awaiting her answer.

“ Well, you are a looker.” she smiles. At that moment I started to feel knots in my stomach.

“ I think I drank too much, maybe we should just go,” I complain, hoping that I’d feel better when the dynamic is just Kari and me again.

“ Okay, um… should we call a cab or something? I’ve been drinking quite a bit myself.”

“ How about I drive you guys home? I only had a few sips so I’m pretty sober.” D and Kari smiled at each other and then at me thinking it was a perfect plan until I said,

“ Guys, I can’t leave my car here. Also if you drove my car then how would you get back? I don’t live in this neighborhood.” they look back at one another with understanding and a hint of disappointment.

Kari gets an idea and starts hopping in excitement, “ what if he drives up to my place since it's practically around the corner and you just text your mom and tell her we’re having a sleepover!” making an impressed face, she folds her arms feeling as though she solved the world’s hardest problem.

“ isn’t your place the reason we’re at this party? Plus, your dad might not want me to stay if he’s upset.”

“ Damnit. Oh wait, what if we stay here tonight?” she turns to D making a face that was just an indirect question, “ we tell your mom you are mine, and I tell my dad nothing and we’re all off the hook in the morning and it’s a Saturday so it’s not like we have school. Wait, you don’t go to church or anything do you?” she points at D, already convinced herself that he was okay with her plan.

“ Um, no but I don’t know how this would go over if people found out you both slept over plus I don’t know anywhere that isn’t my bedroom you could sleep without the risk of running into my parents.” scratching the back of his head, he walked over to the cabinet with the scotch and put the bottle back into it.

“ Okay, then we'll sleep in your room. Who cares if people think we slept with you, you’ve porked almost every girl here, right?” He looked up confused and I was curled into myself knowing that those were just rumors.

“ Well, let’s just hope no one tries to ruin your rep over this. Aside from that, I’m fine with you guys staying in my room. I’ll stay in the guest room or the living room if it’s not too dirty-

“ Why not stay in the room? Wait, is your room small or something?” Kari said, her words slurring together like, a backwoods hillbilly with no teeth and a jug of moonshine.

“ Kari, sit down. You’re too drunk right now.” I said, catching second-hand embarrassment. She walks over to me and sits on my lap, flopping her arms around my neck and leaning her head right beneath my chin. My heart started racing again and other parts of me were reacting in less than modest ways. I wanted to excuse myself but she was on top of me and I didn’t know how to act.

“ Okay, so I’ll give you guys the bed and I’ll just sleep on the floor then?” D proposed, but Kari had passed out in my lap.

“ Yeah, that might work but could you get her off me and point me to the nearest restroom?” I asked, squeezing my legs shut in an attempt to make the throbbing go away but it just wasn’t working.

“ Yeah, the closest bathroom is across from the kitchen, near the laundry room.” he comes over, taking Kari off my lap and I quickly rush to the restroom. There were still some people partying but most of everyone there was just making out or looking for a place to bone. I found someone getting ready to do that when I reached the laundry room,

“ Hey! Can’t you see we’re in the middle of something?” a girl shouts with her legs in the air.

“ Oh. My god-” I shut my eyes hoping that the bathroom had bleach, “ I just need to use the bathroom.”

“ I think it’s that door right behind us.” the guy says with his johnson peeking through the zipper of his jeans. What was in the booze? I thought to myself, peeking just enough to see where I was going and the second I turned my back they went right back to it- groping and loudly making out. Closing the door behind myself I walk over to the mirror, turn on the faucet, and slashing water into my face,

“ Okay, calm down. This isn’t the first time she’s sat on your lap, the hell is wrong with you?” Walking away wasn’t working, that feeling just kept growing and I felt the overwhelming desire to do something unspeakable,

“ I don’t wanna do this.” I slowly walked to the toilet and contemplated masturbating at a high school party in a bathroom.

“ I can’t do this.” I sighed. I went to open the door when Kari burst in, wrapping her arms around my neck and giving me a limp hug,

“ Hey, I woke up in some guy's arms and I came looking for you.” she lays her head on my chest and goes limp once more having fallen asleep.

“ Okay- whoops!” I fell onto the floor stuck under my passed-out friend, “ Kari, why’d you drink so much, god damnit.” I tried pushing her off me but a limp body is a lot heavier than you’d think. “ Kari! Wake up, I need you to get off me, I can’t breathe!” I gave her gentle slaps on the face, trying to get her to move or something. “ KARI PLEASE!” I tried wiggling my way from under her but I only made things worse. Now, she was laying right on my crotch,

“ Hmmm. What’s going on?” confused and tired, “ Was I laying on your crouch? Why did you wake me?”

“ I did, I even slapped you.” she looked at me like I’d gone crazy, “ anyway could you just get off me, please.” Kari started to get up but suddenly paused,

“ You know, I can see the way you look at Kimmy.” she looked at me in a way I’d never seen. I didn’t know what was gonna happen.

“ I-I don’t know what you mean.”

“ Don’t play dumb, Kim’. Do you think you can fool me? Being alone with that guy, you’ve never been interested in anybody. No one but me.”

My heart felt like it completely stopped, “ w-what do you mean?” my breaths were so shallow I felt like I died in that second. Kari started creeping her way to my face,

“ K, what are you doing?” I couldn’t take my eyes off her lips, I wanted to move-I but she was so close.

“ Kim, I just want to see something for a second.” At that point, her nose was touching mine and my breath was so sallow it was like I had stopped breathing together. I was shocked my eyes were still open.

“ Kim-”

“ Stop calling me that, please. It’s weird.” my voice quivered a little, Kari didn’t even react. She just looked into my eyes- her lips slightly parted. We sat in silence for what felt like hours or even minutes but before I knew it, she kissed me. Her lips were so warm and the taste of beer filled my mouth that I felt even more intoxicated. I wanted to stop but my body didn't, I put my hands around her lower back completely enthralled by her. I wanted more. Kari pulled back and whispered into my ear,

“ Kimmy, I want you.” she nibbled my ear, sitting up on my lap, and grabbing my cheeks. She looked deeply into my eyes and my heart felt pain for a second. I knew she was only doing this out of drunken curiosity but we’ve gone too far for me to properly think about it, all I want to do is ravish her.

“ Come on.” getting up, pulling me by my hand.

“ Kari…I don’t think we should do this, you’re drunk and-” she pushes me up against a wall leans in, and kisses me,

“ I want you, Kimmy. I always have, don’t chicken out on me. I know you want this too.” she stands up can continues to lead me down the hallway, we pass D and it seemed like he already knew what was going down and pointed us to his bedroom,

“ Just take a left at the end of the hall.”

“ Thanks, captain, I’ll put a sock on the door.”

“ Oh, uh..” he was so confused and I was so embarrassed I couldn’t even look at him. I can’t believe I’m letting her make me out of character. I can’t believe I’m going to lose my virginity to my best friend!

Chapter 5- Can’t bear to forget, cursed to remember

We locked the door behind ourselves when we got to D’s room, I took a second to look around but when I looked back Kari was already naked, standing by the bed waiting for me to join her,

“ What are you waiting for?” her voice was getting more and more seductive and it was all the motivation I needed. That night we made passionate love to one another and even though I knew in the back of my mind she would come to regret this I would take full advantage of this night. She was willing and so was I.

The morning after we lay naked, curled up to one another. I cracked open my eyes worried I had dreamt the other thing but no, she was still here. I wanted to jump out of bed and dance and sing but I didn’t want to wake her so I traced the lines of her face with my eyes, even when she was asleep she was the picture of beauty. I love her. I love her. I-

“ Hmm, morning.” a hungover Kari said.

“ morning.” I bit my lip waiting for her to mention last night.

“ Why am I naked?” she grunts. I sit up with confusion and a ting of heartbreak.

“ What do you mean? You don’t remember last night?”

“ What happened last night?”

I couldn’t believe it. She didn’t remember, we made love and she didn’t remember. I never thought heartbreak could hurt this bad but I wanted to burn the world down and scream in her face. Please remember something from last night. Please.

“ What’s the last thing you remember?” trying to get something out of her, maybe even trigger a memory.

“ Captain. I was in his arms, did he try something?”

“ No- I- he- uh… it wasn’t like that. I just-”

“ Are you sure it wasn’t anything? You haven’t stammered like that since we were kids.”

“ It just feels like there’s a lump in my throat and I think I’m going to throw up.”

“ Oh my God, let’s find a bathroom so we don’t mess up this guy’s floor- oh wait, was he one of the good ones? Cause if not that, have at it anywhere you’d like.”

I cracked a small smile, “ Nah, he’s a nice guy and-” my voice cracked as a tear escaped my eye, I never thought I could feel so weak. “ I’m sorry, I-I don’t know why I’m crying. Stupid tears, where did you come from.” Even in my moments of weakness, I hide from the pain. Kari looked at me with concern and pulled me into an embrace,

“ Did he do something to you?” I still don't remember last night.

“ No, he didn't do anything. This is something entirely different.” I tried to hold back as much as I could but tears still managed to escape me.

“ K, why are we both naked?”

“ I don’t know but we were pretty drunk, so.”

“ I wasn’t. I only had a few sips of wine and at best I was tipsy.”

“ Then tell me what happened last night. Wait, did I hurt you or something?” she lets me go to look into my eyes. I couldn’t bear to tell her. It could ruin everything.

“ Yeah, you did but it’s okay. I’ll get over it, eventually.”

“ No, it’s not okay. I want to make it up to you.”

I don’t think there was anything she could do to make me feel better but maybe a drive would help calm me down.

“ Can we just get out of here? I feel weird being naked in someone else’s bed.”

“ Yeah, let’s blow this hot dog stand.'' She started getting dressed and I just stared at the blanket we lay under. She has to have remembered, she’s probably ashamed and wants to act like it never happened. My thoughts spilled and the pain only grew,

“ Hey, come on. Let’s get out of here.” she huffs while hoping to get her pants over her voluptuous rear end. Even when I’m upset with her I can’t help but admire your essence.

When we walked out I saw D on the couch, I had some words to say so I told Kari to meet me by the car and I’d catch up later. I walk over to him and poked his cheek in an attempt to wake him up,

“ hmm? Oh hey, did you sleep well?” she smiled, cracking his eyes open just enough to see me and block out the light at the same time.

“ Yeah, I wanted to ask for your number. I liked talking to you last night and I know you’d like to have a friend-”

“ Yeah! Yeah, I’d love to talk with you again.” he pops up and feels around his pockets to find his phone,

“Um here, tell me your number and I’ll add it to my contacts or would you prefer talking over socials?” he looked at me with eager eyes.

“ How about I tell you my Instagram, most people don’t know my number so it might be best if we just use social media, someone might think we’re dating or something.”

“ oh yeah, well here’s my username. I hope to hear from you soon, man.”

This guy is too cool to be normal, but I think it’d be great to get a second opinion about the situation with Kari and me.

“ Okay, I’ll see you later.” I started heading for the door, and the happiness of finding a new friend started to dull the pain of Kari’s unspoken rejection.

“ Bye, drive safe.”

“ Yep!” I holler, shutting the door behind me.

I started walking towards the car when a strangler popped out of the bushes,

“ Hey you, where’d John go?”

“ I-I don’t know who that is, man.”

“ What, you don’t know john? You should get to know John, he’s a riot.'' He stumbled out of the bush and started walking towards me. I picked up the pace trying to outwalk him,

“ So you and D man, huh?”

“ What?” I stopped and looked at him, ready to knock his block off right then and there.

“ Well you stayed the night and you didn't look hungover. You got lucky, right?” His face was genuinely confused, looking at me as if he wanted to congratulate me or something.

“ It’s not like that. He’s my friend.”

“ right on, right on,” he says, letting his arms swing by his side. I nodded and continued to talk to the car, Kari was sitting on the hood.

“ Okay, let’s go.” Unlocking the car door and hopping in without another word. When Kari gets in after me she puts her feet up on the dashboard like she usually does but I couldn’t look at her the same, even though I wanted to. How could you not remember, Kari?

Chapter 6- I remember

Kimmy didn’t want to sleep with me that night, I know that. I took advantage of her like I always do. I feel guilty because I wasn’t drunk. I only had a cup of beer while I was playing the game but I knew Kimmy didn’t like it when I got drunk so I tried to behave for her and I took her trust and lied to her face. I wish I had just fought my impulses but seeing her with that guy just drove me crazy. Why were they alone together? Kimmy isn’t that kind of girl, she wouldn’t just sleep with someone at a stupid party. SHE WASN’T EVEN DRUNK FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. I’ve always known I was selfish but I didn’t think I’d take it this far. Kimmy, I hope one day you could forgive me.

“ Do you wanna stop and get breakfast? I'm kinda hungry.” I wanted to fill the silence with anything. I know she’s upset with me but I’m not ready to go home just yet.

“ Yeah, we can stop at Starbucks or something. I could eat,” she says, not even changing her tone or looking in my direction for that matter.

“ So, what’d you talk to Mr. Capitan about? That’s why you stayed behind right? To talk to him.”

“ Yea, we just had a great conversation and I wanted to talk to him more. I see why you like him, he’s a nice guy and if you guys start dating I’d like to at least get along with him.” still speaking in that deadpan tone.

“ Well, he’s cute but I never said I was interested in dating him. So, you know, if you want to do more than talk with him, you can.” I looked at her, scanning the side of her face for any sign of joy or disappointment but she didn’t do anything, she didn’t even respond.

We pull into the parking lot of a fast-food restaurant,

“ Okay, what do you want?” she says pulling the keys out of the ignition.

“ we’re not going through the drive-thru?”

She was starting to scare me with all the changes to our usual routine.

“ Well, I have to use the bathroom.” By that I mean I have to create some distance between Kari and me. The fact that she would ever insinuate that I could be interested in someone that she’s shown an interest in, I just can’t let her see me cry again. I don’t even like Subways but I needed to let these feelings out before she caught on to them.

“ Well, Just get me a veggie sub with everything but onions.”

“ Yep. Yep.” I couldn’t say anything else but that, it was getting too hard to hold back the overwhelming emotions.

Yep? Yep? When has she ever said that? She has to be lying to me, she is angry. I knew it! What if she starts drifting away from me? I’d have no one.

“ How about I come in with you-”

“ Nope, it’s okay I gotta take a huge shit so you’re not gonna want to be around for that. Just stay here and wait for me.” she hops out and speed walks inside.

“ Hi, can I get 2 veggie subs please, and the key to your bathroom?” I huffed, still trying to fight the tears but it was just too much to take.

“ uh yeah, what bread would you like it on?” the kid behind the counter

“ Can I just get the damn key first?” I whimpered as a full waterfall of tears flowed from my face.

“ Uh…O-okay.” The confused kids walked away to get the bathroom key for me as I started to have a full meltdown.

“ Here you go.” consciously handing me a wooden spoon with a key connected to the end.

“ hah, thank you.” I blubbered. Taking my break down to the restroom while the kids sat there looking at the wall waiting for me to tell them which bread I wanted. I flushed trying to keep the idea that I had to use the bathroom for any reason other than to cry and came back to Kari standing in the store finishing our order.

“ Hey, I thought you were gonna wait in the car.”

“ Yeah well I got bored just waiting for you so I came in and this kid said you just went to the bathroom without finishing the order.”

“I’m 16, please stop calling me a kid.”

“ kid, if you don’t finish my order I’m callin’ head-office.” she remarks. He nodded and walked towards the toppings,

“ What else would you like?” his voice was more dejected.

“ Hold on, kid.” putting up her hand and continuing to question me, “ what’s going on?”

“ Look it’s nothing, can we just get our stuff from the kid and go?” the boy sighed feeling even more discouraged from the conversation that he wasn’t even invited to.

“ Okay, but we have to talk about this whole thing. I don’t want us to hit a rough patch over a party and expressly not over a boy 'cause who the fuck wants that.”

G“You're right, I have no idea who would want to fight over a boy.” clearly being sarcastic. Kari makes a face calling it out turning back to the boy behind the counter,

“ Put everything but onion on it for both, please.”

“ Okay.” sadly complying. We both walked to the register to pay and the kids said,

“ that’ll be 23.67”

“ Who's paying?” Kari said with her hand in her pocket.

“ I’ll pay since I was gonna in the first place.” Kari bit her lip in disappointment almost as if she were testing me and I failed.

“ what? Did you want to pay?”

“ No, it’s not that. I’ll just wait for you in the car.” she turns and leaves the restaurant and that pain starts filling my chest again.

“ damnit,” I whisper.

“ Seems like you guys are having a rough day.” trying to offer some form of comfort that I didn’t ask for,

“ Just give me the damn sandwiches.”

“ their subs.”

“ Give me.”

“ Okay..”

“ Thanks, kid.”

I leave not knowing what to do about this situation. Kari sat in the car waiting for me but her face looked a little puffy,

“ Did I make you upset back there?” I asked plopping down in the seat and handing her the bag with the sandwiches.

“ No, I’m fine. I just think you’re upset about something that happened at the party and you just don’t want to tell me.” she turns toward the window, trying not to let me see her face.

I didn’t know how to respond. She was right, something did happen and it was the best night of my life but if she can’t remember then it just gets complicated.

“ Look. The party- nothing happened at the party, okay? I’m fine. I had a great time and like always you were the life of the party and I was your designated wallflower.

“ Do you not want to be my wallflower?” She looks at me with sad eyes.

“ Of course I do, that’s not the issue, there is no issue. I just think we’re both on edge from being hungover. If it’s okay with you, I’d like to eat this sweet bread on rye and shit it out in a few hours at home.”

She cracks a smile and looks down at my thighs, I tried to act like I didn’t notice.

“ So should I just take you home or do you want to come over?”

“ You can take me home if you’d like.”

“ No, no. I asked what you wanted. Do you want to come over or do you want to go home?” I said sweetly but still maintained an affirming voice.

“ I guess I do need to go home, I forgot what I felt without telling anyone. I’m sure my dad will get worried or something.” she shrugs.

“ Okay, homeward it is.” I smile, swallowing the pain to keep the peace.

Chapter 7- Walking on eggshells

Kimmy dropped me off at the gate and I took a moment to think about what was going on and decided I couldn’t go back to that house. Going for a walk to the local park I sat near a pound, watching the old people feed ducks and other birds. I don’t think that guy can see. While I was reminiscing about the other night one of the party-goers talked up to me,

“ Hey, you were the chick at the party, right? The one that made up that game.” he smiles and points.

“ Yeah, I’m the wild party animal,” I say sarcastically, hoping he’d pick up on it and leave me to my solitude.

“ Hey, so, I heard you spent the night at D’s place.” he starts making a suggestive face.

“ Uh, yeah he was nice enough to let me stay because I was too drunk,” I responded in confusion.

“ Oh, so you were drunk. Did he try anything?” he starts walking closer to me, making me super uncomfortable.

“ No, and please back the fuck up.” I assert.

“ what? I just wanted to know if you had a good time at the party. That’s all.” He backs away with his hands in surrender,

“ Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you. I was just trying to talk to you.” attempting to gaslight.

“ Well, I don’t want to talk.” I turn away from him hoping he’d get the message and leave.

“ D is such a lucky guy, I know he tapped that last night,” she says before leaving me to contemplate his rude comment. I couldn’t even give my energy to be upset with him because I was too concerned with Kimmy and me. Kim, he called her, Kim. Like she’s known him her whole life. I can’t stop hearing it and it makes me mad all over again. My phone started to ring, I looked to see if it was my dad calling.

“ Hey daddy, sorry I didn’t call earlier. I’m at the park watching some ducks.”

“ Come home now. Please.” he hangs up and now my anxiety is through the roof.

When I got to the gate my mom was there waiting for me.

“ Hey, mom, what’s going on?”

She looked at me with sadness and a bit of shame,

“ Come inside, your dad and I need to have a serious talk with you.” She looks toward the ground as she turns around and walks through the gate. Walking up the driveway I see our driver standing by the door. He nods respectfully and opens the door for us following us in. My dad was sitting in the living room leaning forward with his head in his hands.

“ David, she’s here.”

He sighed, “ Okay. Have a seat, everyone.” my heart was pounding. Best case, my dad lost his job. Worst case, my family is falling apart.

“ Dad, you’re starting to scare me. Can someone please explain what’s going on?”

My dad paced around the living room slowly, covering his mouth.

“ Should I just say it?” my mom offers, my dad shook his head, still pacing.

“ Katrina, I know you heard your mom and me fighting. This isn’t really about that but you’re a legal adult and I need you to act as such in this situation, okay? Can you do that for me?”

“ Okay, dad.” I took a deep breath trying not to freak out.

“ Katrina, you aren’t my daughter.” he huffs, trying to hold back tears.

“ I-if you’re not my dad then who is?” I was so confused but I fully expected my dad to tell me our driver was my father.

“ Listen Hunny, you aren’t my daughter either.” my mom says softly.

I turn and look at her with a shocked face,

“ So who are my parents?”

“ I am.” The driver says, “ I couldn’t raise you, I had nothing but when I told you I knew I couldn’t bear to not be a part of your life. Your mom died bringing you into this world but I see her in you. I’m so sorry we lied to you like this. I never wanted to hurt you, I just wanted you to grow up in a normal home with people I knew would love you.”

I took a moment to think. I couldn’t say anything, I tried to understand but the thought that my real dad has driven me to and from school my entire life just blew my mind. One thing just didn’t make sense,

“ So, why were you guys fighting last night?” I looked at my parents waiting for them to answer, my adopted dad looked to the ground almost in shame.

“ We discussed whether we should tell you all this or not and your dad- you're adopted dad thought we should just keep things the way they are. Your father felt the responsible thing to do, we’ve had to revisit that conversation more than once and your father just gets a little heated cause he was worried you’d hate us for it. Things were said out of anger and I know they were just words.'' She looks over to my dad with forgiving eyes, he bites his lip in acknowledgment and nods.

“ Look, we love you and we still see you as our daughter, and if you’d like to say our daughter-”

“ Really? You guys sprung this on me after scaring the hell out of me. I-I need to get out of here for a while. I ran to my room slamming the door behind me.

I can’t believe they’d keep something like this from me and they waited 18 years to tell me- how could they?! All I wanted to do was call Kimmy but it felt too weird now. I have no idea what she thinks about last night, I wish things didn’t feel so complicated. I buried my face in a mountain of pillows letting out a big scream, kicking my legs and just letting go of all the feelings I was having at that time. My screaming turned sobbing, an uncontrollable ugly cry- snot and all.

Chapter 8- A Week Later

Kari and I haven’t talked in a week and I’m worried about it. I don’t know if I can call her out of the blue or just go over. It feels too weird. At least I have someone else to talk to now.

I pick up my phone and open my socials, texting D, asking if he was free to talk.

He responded, ‘yeah, would you like to meet up or something?’

I text, ‘ Meet at the park in your neighborhood in a half hour.’

‘ Will do.’

I crack a small smile, grab my bag, and head out the door. Kari doesn’t go to the park unless she’s down so it should be fine. Thirty minutes later I'm sitting near a pond with D and we just talked about anything and everything. It got to the point where I felt that he was mature enough to answer an important question,

“ So, I wanted to ask you something.”

“ shot.”

I pause, trying to think of the best way to put things.

“ Say you had 2 friends and one of them got drunk and kinda came onto the other friend. Let’s say that the other friend wasn’t really opposed to the proposition but the drunk person never remembered and now things are complicated. What would you do to fix a situation like that?”

He freezes for a second, trying to process everything, and lets out a sigh,

“ I think the sober friend should tell the drunk friend what went down because they have a right to know what happened while they were inebriated.”

I felt so selfish then, never even thinking about how Kari might have felt not knowing what had happened and it’s been weeks since then. I felt like a piece of shit until D said,

“ Does this hypothetical have anything to do with you and Kari at my party last week? I heard you guys making out in my room. You forgot that we agreed that I’d sleep on the floor to avoid suspicion from my parents if they came back.”

My entire chest felt like it would burst out of my body and run for the hills.

“ you heard us?”

“ Yeah, sorry. It wasn’t my intent and it’s not like I stayed either which is why I was sleeping on the couch.” he starts rubbing his knees, seemingly feeling guilty from accidental spying.

“ It's okay, honestly I think we should be saying sorry. Plus it was your room and we did…more than make out. Sorry about that.” I crack an awkward smile not knowing what kind of face to make for having sex in a stranger’s bed at a party.

“ It's okay, I saw the way she looks at you. I’m sure she was just making a statement- assuming she was the drunk friend and you were the sober one.”

“ yeah.” I giggled awkwardly. Still do not feel completely comfortable with the conversation. Though I was glad it was him, he’s so cool and down to earth that it makes it a little easier when you don’t feel judged.

“ um, thanks. This is nice, it’s been a while since Kari and I talked and I had to get this off my chest but I see what you mean about telling her- you’re right, she has a right to know.” We smiled at one another, D proud that someone took his advice, and me for finally having a second friend.

“ What does Kari have a right to know?” Kari shouted from a short distance away.

“ Oh hey, K. What are you doing at the park?” I am trying to change the topic.

“ I should be asking you the same thing. You live like 30 minutes away from here, why’d you come all this way and not tell me?” she makes eyes with D and he felt pure rage and stood up to leave,

“ Well, I’m sure you both have things to talk about so I guess I’ll just hit the dusty trail.” he turns and quickly says, “ See ya, Kim. Text me later.” as he speeds and walks away. Leaving Kari and me alone.

“ So, did you only come up here to hang out with him?” she bites her lip in frustration, clearly holding back much more than she wanted to say.

“ It's not what it looks like, I know you like him and I just wanted to get to know him cause if you started dating him then I at least wanted to like him.” her face changed but I didn’t exactly know what it meant, she looked sad but almost relieved. I didn’t know what was going on but what I did know was that I had to tell her what went down at the party.

“ Kari, could you sit with me? There’s something I have to tell you about the party we went to a couple of weeks ago.” My fidgeting increased as my plums started to sweat and my heart raced.

“ God, not you too.” she huffs.

“ w-what do you mean?”

“ It’s nothing, just tell me what you wanted to say.” she shrugged as she sat next to me.

I couldn’t think of anything else that could've made her upset.

It must have happened throughout the week and she just didn’t tell me, but I can’t be upset with her right now.

“ Well, you how- you don’t remember but I- how much do you remember from that night, again?”

“ I told you. It was when you went to the bathroom and I went looking for you.”

“ right, well a-after that we- uh, Well- you kind of kissed me, like, a lot.”

Kari froze, seemingly taking in the information, I grit my teeth, in anticipation.

“ I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to put you in such an uncomfortable position. Was that…all I did?” she leans in hoping Kimmy would be honest and tell her everything.

“ Yeah. I think so.” slapping her lap with both hands, then remembered what D said, “ actually no. there was more- much more.”

Kari takes a deep breath knowing that this is it.

“ We had sex. Amazing sex and I am so sorry I didn’t stop it beforehand, I know you were drunk and I took advantage of you and it was wrong of me, I’m so so so sorry.” I blurted out quickly hoping the bandage method was much better than the slow drip.

“ Wait, you- you liked it?” Kari's eyes widened.

“ Yes, a lot. It’s been the only thing on my mind since then.”

“ Me too.”

I looked at her making a confused face,

“ What do you mean by that? You said you didn’t remember.” I slowly started to sit up as I waited for an explanation.

“ Look, the truth is… I only had one cup of beer that night but when I saw you alone with D it just drove me nuts, I didn’t know what else to do so I played drunk.”

I didn’t know why but my face got heated and all I wanted to do was scream. You’ve had me in emotional turmoil over a BOY!?

“ I should probably go.” I stood up very calmly, “ If you didn’t want me to talk to the guy you liked you could have just told me. I’m- I wasn’t even into him.”

She looked shocked, opening her mouth like she wanted to say something to me but I walked off before she could hurt me again. While I walked out of sight I pulled out my phone and texted her, I think I need some time away from this friendship. I’ll text you when I’m ready to talk again.

I didn’t know what this meant for us but I didn’t need her to be a constant reminder of something I thought was real but was a manipulation tactic.

Chapter 9- Me and D

A month had passed since then, and Kari and I still haven't talked. Although I wasn’t too lonely because D was there to help me through it. We got to know each other over the month- 4th just didn’t feel the same without her but even still, came to an important conclusion.

I was hanging out at his house in his room and we are just talking,

“ So what do you think about that venus colony? You think we could save the human race with space exploration?” he asks, leaning back in his desk chair.

I look up from my phone and think about the question,

“ I think we wouldn’t be human beings anymore, space can change so much about a person and if we start having kids in space then we’d stop being humans and start being something completely different. I think space would mean the end of humanity and the beginning of something new, now?”

“ Yeah, I get it. Like, making a new species of people based on the diets and environment they’d grow up in.”

I kept staring at my phone, looking at my and Kari’s texts. I just couldn’t stop looking at the last thing I said to her and what made it worse is that she never tried to text me back.

“ So new question.” D starts sliding closer to me to make eye contact.

“ Okay, what’s the question.” I smile, flipping my phone over on my lap.

“ How long are you gonna ghost, Kari?”

“ What?” immediately became defensive.

“ You’ve been looking at your phone for almost an hour, it’s been exactly a month since you’ve talked and I know she was your first and only friend-”

“ Until you.” Hoping the flattery would end the conversation.

“ Yes, until me but you still care for her and I know you want to talk to her. So, what’s keeping you from it?”

I take a deep breath, finally giving in to the conversation.

“ I don’t- she- Look, she lied to me. I can’t just forgive her like that- she lied, you know?”

“ What did she lie about? I thought you told her about the party and that was it.”

“ That was it, she lied about being drunk. I apologize for going all the way with her and then she tells me that she pretended to be drunk, just to keep me away from you.”

“ Wait! You didn’t tell me I was involved in this spat.” making a flattering face, waiting for me to spill the rest of the tea. I snicker at his silliness and continue to tell him what went down.

“ Well, she said that she didn’t like that you called me Kim or that we were alone together. The thing is I’m-”

“ you’re what?” he sits up.

“ I- I don’t know but I’m just not into you or other…guys. You know?”

“ So.. you’re gay?”

I hopped up from the bed and started pacing the room, running my fingers through my hair,

“ I don’t know! I just never found guys attractive like that and I’ve never had a crush on anyone before. Well except for”

“ Kari!?” joining me in my pacing. He was a bit more excited than me but we continued to talk.

“ So, you guys had sex because she wanted me? I don’t think that makes any sense, Kim. If she wanted me she could’ve tried something when you left to go to the bathroom.”

“ What do you mean? She told me that she woke up in your arms and came looking for me?”

“ EXACTLY! She woke up in my arms and didn’t even look at me. I think she wanted you but thought that you liked me! And all this time you were thinking she wanted me. I feel conflicted, you both thought you wanted me but neither of you did.” he giggles and shakes his head, talking back to his seat. I needed to think more so I stood there calculating the probability of D being right.

“ So. she did want me, huh?”

“ Like duh,” he says sarcastically.

I didn’t even want to respond, I was too elated. Thinking the person I’ve always admired could like me too.

“ So what should I know? Just tell her I know everything- act like I didn’t just ghost her for a month. We’ve got one more month before school starts again-”

“ What does that have to do with anything? You like you and she likes you, what’s there to think about? Call her and tell her how you feel.” D demands,

“ You guys are now my OTP and I need you to get together with your best friend- OH, friends to lovers, that’s so cute.” he cues.

I looked at him, slightly frustrated, thinking he wasn’t taking this as seriously as I was.

“ What are you waiting for? No time like the present! Call her, call her, call her!” he chants.

I lift my phone and tap on her Ion in my contacts, I hesitate before hitting the call button.

“ Put it on speaker.”

“ shh, it’s ringing.” I still put it on speaker so he could hear. It felt like the phone rang forever but in the end, there was only her voicemail message.

*you’ve reached Kari, I don’t have my phone right now so leave a message.*

My heart dropped but I was slightly relieved because I had no idea what I would say to her.

“ Well, you can always try again or maybe go to her house-”

“ NO, are you kidding me? That’s too weird right now, what if her mom or dad answers the door? They’d question me or something.”

“ Well, what’s wrong with that?”

“ They don’t know we had a falling out and they also don’t know that Kari and I were at that party.”

“ OOOoooh. I did not know that.” still goofing around. I sigh and flop onto his bed in distress.

“ Hey, the fun thing about phones is you can keep calling until you get blocked. Just call her tomorrow, and see how it goes. I’m gonna make a covert thing out of this. Let’s call it, ‘ help my girlfriend get a girlfriend.’ what do you think?”

“ No. No to all that.”

They laugh together and go back to our pointless conversation and hypotheticals, Kimmy keeping Kari in the back of her mind. A few days later Kimmy was feeling a bit better about her pending phone call with Kari, having written out some lines in her notes app on her phone. She pumps herself up in the mirror at home, turning her music to the max volume playing date night music. She sings and dances trying to build up the nerve because D wasn’t there to coach her through it and I’d be a little more than disrespectful to add him to a call like this but even so, she texted him when she was ready and he replied with a sappy encouragement text,

‘ She already likes you, so just tell her you like her back. love ya kid’,

She scoffs at the cheesiness and replies with a thumbs up and a scared face, writing

‘ See you on the other side, as if she were going to war.

She opens her contacts and taps Kari’s icon and listens for the ring. Her heart was pounding so hard she almost thought her rib cage would burst open. Ring after ring but no answer,

“ you’ve reached Kari, I don’t have my phone right now so leave a message” she hangs up. Feeling dejected and disappointed, she calls D to let him know that the mission was a no-go.

“ Damn? Why not just stop by the house and see if she’s okay?”

“ I would but that feels so weird, If I just show up she might not even let me in the gate.”

“ Well, what if I go instead? Do you have something of hers that I could bring back or something?”

“ No, her dad would freak out if a boy just showed up with her things, I'd think you were screwing and he’d screw you to a wooden post in the backyard. He loves his daughter, D! Like a lot!”

“ Okay, I get it. Why are you so serious?”

“ Because she’s my first friend and my first crush and I don’t want to lose her over a misunderstanding. I want this to be perfect but not too constructed. Like, I need to have a plan but not control the whole situation, I just want things to go right.”

“ Yeah, I get it. It’s a big jump and I’m here for you. Look if you’d like I was just riding by and see if she's home. If not I'll text you and let you know, okay?”

“ Fine, I guess.”

“ See, I can be a good helper sometimes.” cheerfully said then hung up. Kimmy smiled and then thought about the plan, palming her hand into her face.

“ She is surrounded by a large brick fence. How is it gonna even- I have to text him and ask.”

She reaches for her phone and before she could even bring up the app she gets a message from D stating the exact dilemma she pondered moments ago. She laughs knowing that all this was kind of silly but she was still determined to make this workout, finally having the courage to face her head-on. She gets into her car and starts driving toward Kari’s neighborhood, she pulls up at the gate and rings the bell.

“ yes?”

“ Hi Mrs. Jackson, it’s Kimmy. Is Kari home?”

The was silence for a moment then her father came to the speaker,

“ She's gone. Please don’t come here again.”

“ wait but what do you mean she’s gone?”

“ She's gone. She’s not here and we don’t know where she could be, we haven’t seen her since the 4th. SHE’S GONE!” her father whimpered.

“ Look, I can help you look for her if-”

“ No, she left us a note. I don’t think-” not being able to finish the sentence before breaking down crying.

Kimmy’s heart broke completely, not knowing what to say or do.

“ I- I’m so sorry.”

“ She mentioned you- in her note, she mentioned you. She said that you stopped talking to her and she couldn’t accept not being your friend.”

“ That wasn’t- I never meant to hurt her, I just wanted time to think.”

“ I want to blame you, I do. I want to make you responsible for my little girl’s death but I know it wasn’t you, well, I know it wasn’t just you. Listen, there’s no reason to come here anymore so please spare us the heartbreak and never come here again.”

“ Okay.”

Pulling away from the gate, she decides to drive to D’s place for some comfort.

“ Hey, how’d it go?”

“ She's dead.”

“ Don’t be so dramatic,” he laughs.

“ No. She’s dead. I talked to her parents and they think it’s my fault. SHE KILLED HERSELF BECAUSE OF ME!” she fell to the ground and started weeping and screaming.

“ Hey, hey, hey. You couldn’t have known she’d do something like that. Come up to the room, I’ll get you a hot drink and some ice cream or-”

“ No, I just- I don’t know what I want right now but I just wish I had talked to her sooner. I- I killed her. I’m a murderer!”

“ HEY!” he shouts, grading her face to make eye contact, “ You didn’t kill anyone, do you hear me? This isn’t your fault. I know it’s hard and it’s gonna be hard for a while but you need to take this in your stride or forever be stuck at this moment. Now, come with me to my room and let me care for you through the first stage of the grieving process, and I’ll go over the others when you’re feeling a bit better, okay?”

“ Okay.”

They go upstairs and cuddle platonically while watching Disney movies together. D rubs her shoulder and offers her more ice cream, she obliges and eats a big spoon full as a tear rolls down her face which he wipes away. She looks at him with respect and says,

“ If I was straight you’d be the best boyfriend ever.”

“ Thanks, not many people date me for real companionship so that means a lot, especially coming from such a goofy goober like you.” nudging her and cracking a sympathetic smile. The credit started to roll and D asked what she’d like to watch next but Kimmy thought of something different,

“ I wanna go to the cliff at the end of your street.”

“ Hey, don’t say scary stuff like that. I just got you as a friend and you eat a lot of my ice cream.” taking a serious tone but making sure to keep things light.

“ It’s not that, I just think about it all the time. It was really pretty when I saw it the night at your party and I just wanna look down there. Kari told me no one goes over there because people died and I just want to know if-”

“ If it'll help you cope with all this, we can go but if you try to jump I’m calling someone, you understand me.”

“ Yeah, come on.”

They left the house and started walking down the street to the cliff. On their walk, they run into the same guy that spoke to Kari at the park,

“ Oh, I know you fucked one of them!”

They stopped and weren’t happy that this guy was there.

“ Yo, uh, what happened to that other chick? Weren’t you guys hooking up like a few weeks ago?”

“ What do you mean?”

“ Like, I saw her park her car down by the cliff. The chicks got the ball, I would never get anywhere near that place.”

D grabbed his collar and spoke sternly,

“ Where did she go?”

“ Nowhere man, she just parked there. I thought you guys were getting it on in the back seat or something. Look, I don’t know what’s going on but I swear I had nothing to do with it.” D looked him dead in the eye and let him go,

“ He's telling the truth, but it seems you might be right.” he says turning to Kimmy, “ let’s hurry, if there is something down there, then we need to call someone quickly.”

Sure enough, we found a body. Forensics showed that she had been there since the fourth of July trapped in her family’s car which is why no one found her, until now. My entire world changed that day but not for the worse. I love- I loved her. That fact remains true, a year from then I started dating my first girlfriend and my last. I’m now 23 and about to marry the love of my life. I took Kari’s bucket list, and Jasmin and I have taken every summer since her passing to cross one off the list. Every time we go somewhere, we take her ashes with us and sprinkle little bits of her in the most beautiful places so that she’s always in paradise. Through me, her spirit lives on.