You Confuse Me

Chapter 1

Would going out help tonight? Been feeling so low lately, maybe trying to put myself out there would be a good idea right? Always upset about how everyone has someone, when I don't even try.

Just feels so weird, the idea of letting someone in, and being intimate. My brain just won't shut up for a second, so many questions, worries and thoughts just so I can go out and have "fun". I push through the anxieties got ready and kept my promise to my crazy friend Yasmin, which was that I would attend the party.

Arriving and seeing a modern concrete and glass mansion, impressed by the architecture, I walked towards the large wooden doors, already very late I stood there for a minute trying to calm down and take some deep breaths. Calling Yasmin as I am too much of a coward to walk through these doors on my own. As the door opened I saw my best friend smiling ear to ear, " you came" she said with a loud voice and gave me a hug, squeezing a little too tight, she may have had one too many I'm guessing.

As she dragged me inside and started talking about every thing that had happened in the last 4 hours, all very scandalous and interesting. I saw him through the crowd, laughing and talking to his friends by the pool table, right behind him were sum girls staring and whispering to eachother, hoping to get his attention.

Yasmin took me in his direction, I haven't told her about my long stand crush on this man, 25 and having a crush at this age just a little embarrassing. Plus being single all my life doesn't help, I say its by choice, but sometimes I wonder if it really is. The reason we are walking toward these bunch of men is because Yasmins boyfriend one of them.

As she throws her body at James, he cathches her and looks at her with amusement, then turns to me to say a brief 'hi'. He sit Yasmin down on the sofa behind me and goes to get some water.

While watching all this I had forgotten about Zach, the man who I have been dreaming about far too much. As we make eye contact, and I see that sly smirk on his lip I turn around to go sit with Yasmin, trying to make sure she is still breathing.

I needed a drink if I could survive through this party, especially if my friend was snoring away. I'm sure in an hours time she would be awake, sober enough to have a decent conversation with, and for me to be able to leave without worrying about her.

He had been staring at me all night, well for the past 30 mins that I have been here. Whenever our eyes met he would just smirk, like he knew everything, my heartbeat, my thoughts and exactly how nervous I was. It made me feel so excited every time he did that.

Lara suddenly appeared with her two unbearingly annoying friends, blocking my view of him and his heated stare. Feels like an eternity has passed with these three, talking nonsense. I mean, really, does boasting about your families money make you feel that good?

At last the shameless babble had finished and they left.

He disappeared, frantically looking everywhere for him until I felt a large arm around my waist. I turned to see a pair of Dark brown eyes staring into my soul. My chest pressed against his. All I could say was hi? Didn't even sound like I spoke it sounded more like a sigh. At that moment all I wanted was his lips on mine.

Chapter 2

I've known Zach for 12 years now, we hardly ever spoke. I remember when we were young he would just stare at me and smile. I remember the way we first started speaking, December 19th 2020. I was takinga walk in the park in the evening, just clearing my mind from the stresses of work, and a car passes me in a speed. I hear it stop and reversing behind me, my mind started to panic, first thought was to run, but what if they aren't coming after me? Suddenly it stops besides me, stuck in my spot I didn't know what to do. The window rolled down and his head popped out, " what are you doing here??" he asked with a confused look.

I walked towards the car, "Hey, just taking a walk. What about you?" he smiled and said " Just on my way home from work, come in I'll give you a lift home its getting late".

I was freaking out, I look like a mess and feel like a mess, I think I even forgot to wear deodorant! Why tonight, of all nights??? "oh no, don't worry about it I only live 15 mins walk from here" I replied, hoping he would leave and at the same time hoping he wouldn't. Does any of these feeligs of mine make any sense.

"Just get in" he said, with a look that said he wasn't going to leave until I did. So I just got in. I gave up this fight a little to easily in my opinion, if it was anyone else I know for sure I would have walked off while waving goodbye.

He shot me a big smile as I got in, he asked for my address and like that we were on our way. This is so awkward, I should have just walked it. "What were you doing out here at this time?" he asked again. "Just taking a walk" I repeated, "Yes but why at this time, its dark and dangerous." he said with concern. "Its not that late just 8:3o" I said while looking at the time on my phone. "Plus there are less people at this time, any way how was your day today?" I replied, just to change the subject and also so that I didn't have to talk anymore.

He carried on looking staright at the road, with no smile, no expression really. He hadn't said anything for about 10 seconds and this silence had already started to make me more uncomfortable, I cannot sweat more, I cannot smell disgusting infront of this man!

Finally he said "hmm okay, Yeah it was fine. What about yours? What were you up to today?" he said throwing my question back at me. "Yes it was okay, just had two meetings today that were really long but I work from home so I shouldn't complain." I said trying to mask my nervousness. "What about you how is work going?" I asked hoping he would start talking so I can relax and just listen.

"Work is work, you are an architect right? that sounds like a fun job. How did you get in to it?" he asked. I think he has the same plans as me, but why reply with "work is work"? Two can play this game. "I like drawing buildings as a kid, so I just went with something that paid me to do it, and here I am." What about you, what do you do for work? I asked, hoping he would finally give me full length senstence about him self.

"Nothing interesiting, just boring old accounting." as he said that we arrived infront of my building. Felt like a very short stressful trip, quite the opposite of what I wanted this evening. I take my seatbelt off, and trying to get out of the car as quick as I could, but half way I though of how I would not get thi oppurtunity again. So I turned to him and asked if he wanted to join me and a couple of others, for a movie and some drinks this Friday evening, he said yes, and we exchanged numbers. "Thank you for taking me home", I said while standing outside the car by his window. He flashed me his straight teeth and said "Anytime! Also try going out a little earlier for your walks, or just text me and we can go together." My heart needed to chill, "I will do" I replied with a nervous laughter. We said our goodbyes, he waited till I entred the glass doors of my apartment building.

As the elevator doors shut I let out a very girlish squeek. I couldn't believe that had all happened, feeling like a teenage I couldn't stop smiling. As the elevator door opened to the 10th floor I walked the corridor to my door, felt excited, energised and really wanted to tell some one! Back of my mind knew it was going to be anytime now that my anxiety would kick in and analyse all the things I did wrong tonight, but for now I will enjoy every bit of this Serotonin.

As I got in the shower, all I could think of how this was the first time in the 12 years that I have known Zach we have actually had a proper conversation. Although it wasn't much of a conversation, mostly of him asking me question, but still something right.

As the cold water fell on me I felt so refreshed. I got of the shower did my 10 step skin care routine, and got into my silk night dress and straight into my bed, feeling the excitment still, I just couldn't wait for Saturday.

Chapter 3

Friday mornings are so nice, starting the day with the usual glass of Iced Oat Latte, watching some day in my life youtube videos. Starting the day in a good mood. Okay, time to get to work! Lets look through yesterdays meeting notes, as I was about to get in to my productive zone something caught my eye, I had a notification from him.

Taking deep breaths, I quickly unlocked my phone to see what he had said. "Hey". I wonder what he wants? Should I reply straight away? Maybe I should make him wait, he didn't contact me the whole time. Why is he so hard to read! have it 5 min and replied back with "Hi".

He was typing, maybe I should leave the app so he doesn't see that I am online, that way I would have sometime to think about my reply. Why is it taking him so long to reply? Maybe I should check if he is still typing, as I opened the app the message popped up, "What time and where shall I meet you tomorrow?", after sending the details all I got was a "great, see you tomorrow" and he went offline. Well wasn't that exciting, all I could do was roll my eyes, did I just misunderstand his signals all these years? Maybe he does it to all girls he meet, probably just enjoys flirting. Did I waste my time liking this guy all these years?

Let me just get back to work, I don't have time to be thinking about my feelings, need to get all this done so I can rest. After solid 5 hours later all I could hear was my stomach crying for food, and the only thing I wanted to eat was some some sushi, running out in a cap to hide the crazy hair, some random jeans and a hoodie, to go down the road to this cute Japanese restaurant. Ended up getting a very large set meal, can't let my self get this hungry again or I will waste my money and buy way too much again, I thought while trying to finish everything but just failing. Time to get back to work, in that moment I felt a yawing coming along, I ate too much and now I feel like taking a nap! The only issue about being a freelancer is that I need to be strict with my self, and most of the time that fails.

My inner alarm was going off, waking up to see the time '3:30pm' I fell asleep for 2 hours, not that bad and I feel well rested.