Wrong Address

Two whole days had passed and nothing, they obviously don't want their parcel back and care less about delivering to the wrong address. On top of that is the fact that its states, in letters large enough to read from a passing small moon - SIGNATURE REQUIRED, Amazingong fucked this up as well.

Two days ago...

But first let me take you back to the day before yesterday... I was watching The Big Lez Show (again). The ten minutes episode lengths are perfect for my waning concentration spans. It takes me seventy five minutes to watch a forty minute show. There was a kerfuffle on my front porch, someone or something was upsetting the front cat. She was better than a dog and hated everyone except us - GUARD CAT! She issued a really low throated growl, the same growl she reserved for crows and possums that got to close to Her Area ie. our front porch! I paused the mirthful antics on my television screen with the aid of a remote control (no time for waxing lyrically about the virtues of a device that can change television channels from across the room) and went out the front, the cats list now included Amazingong parcel drones. A medium sized drone had just dropped a medium sized parcel at my medium sized doorstep which made my normally small sized cat a medium sized cat "ffffffftttttttt" she said as she fluffed down from her fluffup and went back to licking herself. I checked the label on the parcel and immediately thought nice remote controlled flying but shit looking up address skills Amazingong. This parcel was for two seven one and not two one seven, close but you wouldn't want this person in charge of making round up lists for the new world order or anything like that.

I took my newly acquired parcel straight inside where i was met, by my mother with her skirt up over her head! That bits not true - but it is a really good line from a brilliant song by a band called Killdozer - New Pants and Shirt, from the Twelve Point Buck album and - yeah that movie! My mind wandered so i just typed it in and anyway my area is apparently out of real writers and it's just me left! They all probably got sick from a lotta mocha soy lattes or generic take away coffee. That's a burden I can assure you, that's a lot for me to carry. I haven't had a take away coffee for years, that's only thing that saved me and do I have what it takes to slip this into the mystery box comp? Who knows - stays tuned while these and other silly rhetorical questions are set free to roam their natural habitat unhindered by any particular nuance or point of view! At this point I'm committed but i feel like a special school sports reporter, like one sock in an otherwise empty drawer and BOTH your feet are cold.

I apologise for that little diversion but all i was supposed to convey was the part about the parcel. I shall carry on the story properly and in an orderly manner now. I filled in the lost parcel details on their website and that was like pulling teeth. Three times it told me I did not live where i did and on the strength of a missing hyphen and ambiguous zip code parameters. And so I sat there with my receipt number waiting for my phone to ring, wondering if people really have an issue with starting a sentence with the word and? The phone didn't ring, it never does and as I sat, so to did the parcel, it sat there on the sideboard for two whole days along with all the other dropped off detritus we cluttered it up with on an almost daily basis. It was non sanctioned drop off area where letters sat and pockets were emptied. It consisted of but was limited to pocket lint, a vase full of small denomination coins, leftover velcro puppy collars, a work bag, half a dozen unopened windowed letters that when opened would shrilly demand our immediate and undivided attention and some photos in frames, all catching dust together. Some days it was joined by other parcels but they were very transitional and so only temporarily there. None were orphaned like the Amazingong cat package, so it sat there all parcelly apathetic as the rest of us until one sunny morning two days later...

Back in Todayland:

A knock at the door, I got up and opened it to be greeted by the blinding hi-viz of our local parcel delivery bloke "Sorry mate but one of our drones delivered a parcel here two days ago, our pilot got the street numbers mixed up..." Imagine this guy flying a USAF strike drone with live weapons...is that a bomb factory or a children's hospital? - shudder! I stopped him right there with a simple finger and thumb gesture "I sold that on eBay yesterday" I told him while managing to keep a straight face for a coupla seconds (I hadn't sold anything, but a laugh is a laugh I reckon). He looked at me like I just asked him if I could root wife and his mother! Rather than let him sink into his own misery, "Nah I'm just fuckin with ya buddy!" I reached inside and passed him the parcel that was on the sideboard, he had me sign his PDA and he left. Not even a thank you, what a knobber I thought to myself, what a rude prick!

I still don't know what was in it, marked from Amazingong to the bloke down the street, not my parcel not my problem. The mystery? Wasn't one really, no mystery due to no emotional attachment to the parcel. But deep inside a part of me wants it to be either be A. a face hugger from Alien (I can visualise that so clearly i have tears in my eyes) or B. a massive glitter and crazy glue bomb. That's the kind of person we are...