winter constellations

The night was one of those cold nights that sound seemed nonexistent. The air felt like ice as it moved into my lungs and the sounds of the night seemed to be blanketed like after a fresh snowfall. I wanted to go back to how it felt just a few months ago, when the warm summer sun would still be high in the sky this time of night, instead the icy winter moon hung in its place. I missed what summer felt like. I missed feeling the breeze and not having it feel like frostbite was turning my fingers black. More than anything, I missed you.

I laid on the frozen-over snow picking out the winter constellations with my hands saved deep in my coat pockets. To me, the winter constellations were prettier, almost like they were made just for me. No one was strong enough to brave the cold for long enough to enjoy the beauty of the pinhole like stars in the black curtain of night. I liked to make up my own stories of what the constellations were, how they got where they are now. Canis Major and Canis Minor were two dogs chasing each other in a snow-covered field somewhere until the old farmer chased them so far away they ran out of Earth. I wondered what it would be like to run so far there was no more room to run. To run so far Earth lifted you up and placed you in the universe, forever running. Billions of years go by and there is still endless room to run expanding into the unknown and not looking back. Running further than the two dogs from the farmer. Running further than anyone has ever run, I wanted to know what it's like to run so far you become a myth because being a myth wouldn’t hurt as bad as being a reality.

When I closed my eyes I could almost place myself back there, with you in my arms again. Your hair blowing the breeze smelt like honeysuckle and coconut. Your smile was so full like it was the happiest you had ever been. I never knew the pain that was behind those dimples and blue eyes. Ocean eyes are all I can think of now, there was so much depth under the surface. The shoreline was safe with you but once the water was beyond my shoulders there was a fear that there was something more. I wondered if you were now another star if in a thousand years there will be a new constellation named after you. You would be the most beautiful constellation this world could ever look up at. I would hope you would be a summer constellation so everyone could admire you and your beauty, but a constellation like you can only be viewed by those that stayed waiting for their fingers and toes to turn numb giving them a preview of what your heart must’ve felt like. I miss you.

The moon moved almost out of the horizon. I thought maybe if I fell asleep I could dream of you and summer again. Just as my eyes felt heavy a thud and a crunch landed beside me. A barn owl that looked three shades of different grays stood looking at me as I looked at it. You once told me that when you’re old and leave this place you’re going to come back as a bird so that you can see all the beauty of the world from above. He looked like the stuffed animal that you couldn’t let go of from when you were a kid. I wondered if just for a second this was you telling me you missed me too.

“I love you, Reagan” I whispered.

The owl tilted and turned closer to me, holding its wings open brushing the tear off my eye in the process before flapping into the sky. The rest of that night I sat there, the snow now melted into the shape of my body, and I knew that you were seeing the world as you always dreamt you would one day.