When You Can't Get No (Permanent) Satisfaction

This time of year is always a bit weird for me, and with the bizarre weather we are having this year, it is exceptionally odd.

My dog Aang, nor I, know what to do with ourselves with all this snow.

One day it’s exciting and exhilarating, the next day it’s exhausting and stifling. The days are short, yet long and drawn out. I don’t want to spend much time outside in this cold Scottish winter.

For the first time since I was a kid, I am looking forward to helping my parents in the restaurant on Christmas and Boxing Day.

Ever since they decided to open for only 4 hours on each of those days, it has been really busy every year.

My parents opened a Thai food restaurant when they arrived in the U.K. twenty years ago. My family is Buddhist. We don’t celebrate Christmas.

It’s only in recent years that I have begun to appreciate what they have done for me, my grandparents and my younger brother.

It makes me want to help out more.

Lately though, I’ve been finding myself in this surreal state of actively participating in life, while at the same time being this passive observer.

I can’t quite explain it, probably because I don’t fully understand it myself.

I question everything, and despite my resolve to not make any new year’s resolutions this year, my mind continues to probe in that direction.

It feels counterproductive and paradoxical.

That seems to sum up my life these past couple of years: counterproductive and paradoxical.

However, something somewhere within me keeps nudging and hinting that these thoughts and experiences are exactly what I need now.

I do not like it- these feelings of doubt and uncertainty, but I do find them a bit intriguing at times, like there’s some secret puzzle I’m unknowingly solving.

Mother would probably tell me that what I am going through is “the way of the tao”, and would encourage me to not resist it.

Father would, of course, nod his head in agreement in that way he always does, half smiling, half frowning, yet reassuring.

When I was in my early teens, I attended various church services with friends.

I read up on various religions and philosophies from around the world. My parents supported me in doing so. They generally invited me to ask questions, and respected my decisions when I did things like pray or talk to angels.

I was a curious child, and I’m an even more curious adult.

All of this inner and outer inquiry does not seem to have gotten me very far though…or maybe it has and I just don’t see it yet.

It boggles my mind that the vast majority of people seem to dedicate countless hours of their lives in prescribed ways to outdated notions of deities that are ephemeral, in the grand scheme of things.

To me and my family, Buddhism is not a religion but a philosophy and way of life.

Sometimes I still refer to myself as Buddhist, but I think that agnostic is more appropriate.

The eightfold path and the four noble truths are beautiful tenets to me. I respect and admire my parents for their dedication to these principles.

It used to fill me with guilt and shame that I was not more like them, their parents nor my brother in this regard. Each of them seem to be genuinely satisfied on their path.

Part of me envies them for this.

Then I hear the Rolling Stones sing, “I can’t get no satisfacation…’cause I try, and I try.”

Stop trying!

When I said those words out loud, Aang looked up at me with his big, bright eyes wondering where that came from.

I wonder too…

I stood up and walked over to get Aang’s leash. He shot up and ran towards the door, panting and running in circles until I put my coat, scarf, hat and gloves on. I didn’t like having him on a leash, but I had to leash him until we reached the park.

My favorite part of being outside is when I unclip Aang’s leash and watch him run free.

It releases something inside of me every time.

Today was no exception.

For a little while, I am satisfied.