What You Carry With You

His eyes opened and began to come into focus. Bewildered and confused, he stood up, realizing that he was on a train.

“How did I get here?” he said.

“How do any of us get here I wonder?” said a stranger.

He turned to see an older gentleman sitting across from where he was standing. His wrinkles soften his face, his cold blue eyes stood out, with blemishes and a red glow below his cheeks. No hair on his head and yet his beard was the color of clouds. White button up with a pen protector and two pens in his pocket. Brown leather belt that was worn down to a splotchy design. Khakis that were so crisp the edges seemed sharp enough to slice bread. Old man socks with their ugly pattern and colors with shoes to match.

“How did I get here?” the man asked again only this time he walked closer to the older gentleman. His gray eyes locked onto the old man. High cheekbones with stubble attached as his neat ashen brown hair combed to the side began to untidy itself. His gray suit was already sliding off the side of his broad shoulders yet his blue diamond patterned tie stayed neat.

“How would I know, young man? I am here and you are here. I don’t believe any of us know how we got on this train.” said the old man.

He began looking around the train; many seats were empty with a briefcase marking the starting point of his nightmare. Very few people were on the train, all minding their own business not even taking a glance at the man wandering around trying to figure out their situation and what to do about it. Turning back to face their greeter he asked, “Where is this train going?”

“That, is a good question, though I’m not quite sure honestly. It hasn’t stopped for a long time.”

“But it has to be going somewhere like a city or some type of stop?”

“Oh I’m sure there has to be some end point eventually, I just haven’t really thought about it.”

“Well, I’m going to find the person in charge.”

“Good luck sonny, I think I’ll rest here a while.”

With little acknowledgement Traeger turned away from the old man and walked down the aisle to the cart door. He looked at those sitting and yet it was as if they had no sense of his presence and reacted to nothing he did. He slowly took the time to wave at one of the passengers. Nothing. He stared through the small window into the next cart and was unable to see into the next area. Turning around he called out, “What gives? I can’t see into the next cart!”

No one answered. He tried again. Squinting into the window pane, he saw nothing. He reached for the handle to find that it wouldn't move at all. He shook it wildy and yet the door wouldn't budge. A staring contest ensues. Traeger’s distorted face pretended to melt the door and he lashed out towards the door slapping his hand against it. With his stone feet, he returned back to his briefcase.

“No such luck eh?” said the old man.

“Not now!”

“No need to be angry son, just know we are here with you.”

“I said not now.”

“Take your time.”

Traeger fiddled with his suitcase and to his amazement he was unable to open it. Confused, he tried his combination again.

“Weird? I don’t remember my combination.” he whispered to himself.

The old gentleman took note of his frustration and opened his mouth to speak but decided against it. Traeger noticed saying nothing. He continued to fiddle with his briefcase and to his avail nothing came of it. He carried it with him as he returned to the door to try once again. The door opened. He turned to the old man to find him staring back as well. A soft smile broke across his face as Traeger faded away into the next cart.

He was immediately greeted by a woman who was a head shorter than him, green eyes that shined brighter than emeralds and a smile that said more than her words could about how she truly felt. A black dress hugged her tightly that stopped above her knees and exposed her back down to the shoulder blade. Strapped high heels that sparkled in the dim light of the cart. Her hickory brown hair was straightened and fell to her shoulders with a gentle kiss. She folded her hair behind her ear before she spoke.

“Why are you here?”

“Excuse me, do I know you?” Traeger tried to step back and found that the door was closed behind him.

“Why does it matter? Why are you here?”

“I don’t know, that’s what I’m trying to figure out.”

“Another person who doesn’t know why they are here. Ugh! This is such a stupid train. I’m late. I have a dinner date and I really must get off this thing.”

“I fail to see how this helps.”

“You would, wouldn’t you? You’re not the one who is hoping to be proposed to. He is taking me to our favorite restaurant. Right after work he said we would go. He has been working so much lately and stays late at the office all for us. Isn’t that wonderful. Do you think he picked out a big ring? I can’t wait to see him again.”

Traeger walked around her as she kept blabbing on about her boyfriend taking one more look at her before he slammed against a giant.

“Ope, I’m sorry about that,” said Traeger.

He looked up to the giant man who was in a black tank top and jeans with black boots. The giant smiled and moved out of the way. Traeger droned on to the other side of the cart. Once again he was unable to get through the door. He turned around and there she was.

“There is no way my boyfriend would cheat on me right? He works late all the time. He wants to take me to our favorite restaurant. He wants to propose. He just has to. He has to get that promotion soon. That’s what he tells me. What do you think? Ugh. You’re no help at all,” she storms away to sit next to the giant man and continues to mumble to herself.

Traeger noticed that the people he passed are no longer there anymore. That’s impossible, I know I saw several people sitting down, he thought to himself. The seats remained empty. The black dress woman was still speaking to herself as he noticed that the giant was no longer there. He faced the door once again and began to deny that he was stuck and that someone was playing a trick on him. He tries opening the door once again. Nothing. He pushed against it. Nothing. He knocked on the door. Nothing.

“This has to be some sort of dream, that is the only explanation. This whole place can’t be real,” when he spoke these words the door opened. He stared into the next cart with a statue-like expression. Looking around no one else seems to notice at all. No one reacted or even looked into his direction. He moved his foot past the door barrier and brought his foot back for a moment contemplating his next move. His foot dragged into the next cart.

“WE’RE STUCK HERE FOREVER MAN!” said a stranger. His clothes were torn and blood left stains all over his skin and clothing. Ripped jeans with black and red patterned tennis shoes. Shaved head with a scar that adorned his skull. His blood shot eyes traced over Traeger’s body, locking on to his location. The deranged man picked up a bag and threw it at him.

“Hey! What the hell is your problem!?”

“I’m telling you! We are all stuck and there is nothing you can do about it. We must destroy this place, it’s the only way to leave.”

The deranged man proceeded to attack the seats and pulled apart the bars bolted to the train cart. Surprisingly, it actually worked and the metal bar came free. Smashing it against the windows at a very anticlimactic result. The window was unphased. Watching the anger rising, Traeger kept his distance as the man continued his assault. No one came to stop him at all. The passengers' eyes began to shimmer as the rage continued longer. Soon several passengers joined in the chaos and began to completely destroy the cart. Traeger decided to hide beneath the seat as the vicious blows to the train continued. He had no idea how long he had been there. It seemed to go on for days on end without breaks.

Aggravated, he left his haven and headed for the other side of the cart. The moment he came into range of the passengers they instantly attacked him. Swinging their arms and weapons towards him, he covered his body and received blow after blow. Screaming with the sounds of bodies thudding against one another, crashing and clanks of metal vibrated the cart walls. Retaliating Traeger attacked all who got in his way. He threw his fist directly into a jaw as he was smashed in the back of the head with a metal bar. Kicking his leg out behind him to push off the assailant he bent over in agony barely dodging another blow to the head while pushing forward stabbing his elbow into the ribs of another. Finally he reached the other side of the cart. His clothes were torn and covered in blood. His nose completely shattered and his eyes were swollen from tears and agitation. Limping to the door still holding on dearly to his briefcase he pulled the handle. Nothing.

“COME ON! LET ME THROUGH! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS PLACE!”

He began to panic as he paced back and forth keeping his puffy eyes towards the strange event that was still taking place. He wiped the blood from his face and his ears felt hot. A passenger ran up to him and shoved him against the door screaming in his face. He could smell their rancid breath and felt a rage fall over him. He blanked.

He was now standing with this passenger in his hand by the collar of their shirt with an unrecognizable face. His hand was throbbing and bits of flesh were torn off. His breathing was erratic and his body was heavy. The other passengers stood there paralyzed. A gust is felt behind him. He turned to see that the door had opened. He grabbed his briefcase and backed away slowly facing the passengers until the door closed with a loud thud.

He stared down a long hallway with several passengers talking amongst themselves. Once again they took no notice of him as he passed them by. Strangely he was unable to hear any of their words. He sat down to have a rest and examined his body from the previous attacks. His gray suit is completely intact and iron pressed, no blood can be found or tears. He placed his suitcase beside him and thoroughly checked his entire outfit down to the shoe.

He stood to face the crowd and paced back and forth contemplating on how to approach this situation. He just violently attacked another person, increasing his anxiety about what will happen next. His eyes darted around and noticed a small old woman sitting alone with many people dressed in business attire surrounding her. This woman had long white hair put into a bun tightly with a brass hair pin wrapped around it with a bird ornament attached. She wore a soft pink dress with white polka dots scattered across with pink shoes.

“Excuse me ma’am, um, where are we going?” asked Traeger.

She kept her head down before she spoke, “I’m not sure I can help you young man. I wasn’t even able to help my sister. She would still be here if I just stopped to get her flowers like she asked me to. She loved the white lily flowers that grew along the river. It was rainy that day. Why didn’t I just stop by with the flowers?”

Traeger stared at her with somber eyes. He knew exactly how she felt. He recalled the night that his younger sister went missing. If only he had remembered to put the window down that night, she would have never been taken. She was recovered, fortunately, but she was never the same again. She stayed away and kept to herself and their relationship was forever distant. Why did he think of this moment right now, he wondered.

“Ma’am, I’m very sorry to hear about your sister. But this train, where is it going? I’m not quite sure how I got here and I must find out how to get off,” he said.

“Oh God, if I help this man will I find peace? Will my sister come back? Will I get to see her again? Please, God, hear me. I beg you. I wish I could see her one more time.”

“I don’t think God will answer that one.”

“And what makes you say that?”

“Cause some giant invisible man in the sky who allows these terrible things to happen to us but somehow loves and cares for us also as long as we follow and love him back just doesn’t sound like someone who gives two shits about us and what we want.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way young man but I just can’t lose my faith and stray from the path.”

“And what path would that be?”

“You know? I am not quite sure anymore.”

“The only path that matters right now is that I get off this train. Do you know when it will stop?”

She sat for a while pondering the question. She took her fingers and played with them as her thoughts moved through her mind and her foot began to tap against the floor rhythmically. Traeger waited patiently as he looked outside to see that the world around him was just as blurry as the door was when he first approached it. He couldn’t see outside. The fuzzy world was moving, that he could tell, but he was unable to recognize if it was trees or buildings that were passing them by.

“This train hasn’t stopped for a long time I’m afraid. Perhaps it will be too late when the train does stop for us to get where we need to go. Bad things happen to bad people. I think this is my deserved consequence,” she said slowly. Tears began to fall down her face and Traeger backed away from her to return to the door. Nothing.

“Maybe I am supposed to help her?” he said to himself. His hands gestured list-like movements as he listed out loud different ways he could help the old woman. He turned one more time to look at her. She was still there crying and praying to herself.

“I’ll let God take care of that one since she believes so much in that nonsense. He has the power to do all things. Ha. Maybe I’m not meant to leave this cart either. So much I didn’t do when I should have. Why am I talking to myself? How pathetic can I be?”

A click was heard behind him and he turned to find the noise. The door was open. He looked over his shoulder to face the old woman who was now on her knees praying. He wanted to call out and reach for her attention as he felt something grab his shoulder. The cold touch froze him in place and pulled his body through the door while he felt the light around him fade away.

Darkness overtook him as he struggled to gain focus of the cart. The lights were very dim to the point where the only way to recognize any one there was by their silhouette. He tried to stand up which failed.

“Having a hard time, no?” said the stranger.

“Who is that? Who’s there?” Traeger asked.

“It doesn’t matter who I am. Just don’t move. It’s watching us.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Aren’t you listening, it’s watching us!”

“What is?”

“IT!”

A thud with a claw-like sound could be heard scraping the cart floor and Traeger believed that it was getting closer to him. Laying completely still until the scraping noise faded into the distance he began to cry, “I just want to leave this place. I want to go home. Why can’t I just go home?”

“Don’t we all. But it’s all hopeless. Nothing we do will matter or change the fact that we are here and doomed.”

The shadowy figure slid closer to Traeger with only their shiny eyes visible, “Hey! What are you doing to me?” Traeger asked.

“Calm down okay. I’m just helping you along. There isn’t any point to this anymore. Why should we live anymore in this prison!”

They placed their hands upon his neck and began to squeeze. Their fingers felt clammy and cold, sending a chill down his spine. The last bit of air escaped his mouth as he felt his chest tighten. Squirming he began to fight off the shadowy figure pushing his hands against their face. They struggled for a moment before they realized too late that the creature had returned. The orange glow of the creature's eyes pierced the darkness. Their teeth sparkled in the darkness like stars against the water as it sunk its teeth into the shadowy figure. They screamed and tugged at Traeger’s clothes as they were dragged away. Quickly Traeger slapped their hands off of himself in order not to be dragged along and let out a whimper as the scream faded to a whisper until a wet crunching sound could be heard. Blood filled the air. Traeger laid on the floor wondering when his time would come.

He wallowed in his thoughts begging for something to happen. How much time had passed had eluded his thoughts. He crawled on his hands and feet feeling around in the darkness. Nothing was there. Nothing. He found no one to comfort him or talk to. Just the darkness embraced him. He journeyed across the cart without thought, never looking for the door to leave or even if the beast would return.

“Why am I here? It doesn’t matter why you idiot, we won’t ever escape. We are all alone and no one is here to help us. No one ever has helped us. Just her, such a long time ago. She did. But she left too. They always do. We are never worthy of anyone’s love and we will die alone like we always knew we would,” he said to himself.

A light was in the distance that brought his attention away from his thoughts. How long did he stare at this light before he began to move towards it no one knows. He just stood there, in front of it, staring intently as the red light bore into his brain. “EXIT” it read. The exit sign reflected in his eyes as he wondered what it truly meant. Was this a sign to tell him there is an escape or was this really the way out.

“It’s the only way to end all of this. There is no way that anything will change with me here.”

He touched the “EXIT” door. It opened. The wind pressed against him and the smell of the outside air was inviting. All thoughts left his mind as he stepped to the edge.

“This is it. Finally, no more pain. It can all end here.”

He walked off the cart and fell to his final breath as he crumpled against the ground as the world immediately went dark.

“Took a nasty fall there sonny,” said a familiar voice.

Traeger opened his eyes to find himself staring face to face with the old man. He pushed himself away squishing against the windows and chair, unable to escape the presence of this gentleman.

“Trying to leave again? He he he.”

“How did I get back here?” Traeger asked.

“How did we all get here? We weren’t really meant to leave sonny.”

The old man sat beside him and looked over his shoulder with a smile on his face. He spoke to him with such a familiar tone and actions that reminded Traeger of his own grandfather.

“So we can’t leave this place?” asked Traeger.

“Do we need to leave? What is the purpose of this place I wonder?”

“You keep asking questions and not answering a single thing I ask. Why am I here?”

“We are here to be here that is all. We are not ready for what happens next and some of us are just to guide those along until it is time.”

“Time for what?”

“To go.”

“Go?”

“Yes sonny. Time to go.”

“But so many people are here and what was that creature?”

“That creature was your own creation. It is human nature to demonize ourselves into believing the worst things about us. Not to mention we humans are very capable of such things, no? Many people indeed. Not ready yet. Do you feel ready?”

Traeger paced up and down the cart while rubbing his fingers into his temples. The old man sat patiently watching his every move. Traeger stood for a moment and kept his stare towards the door on the other side.

“What’s beyond that door?” he asked.

“That is just the thing sonny, I’m not quite sure. I have never gone any further than here. I am here to help those along, that is all.”

“So there is no further than this? How am I to go on?”

“That is the question that serves us all. What do you need in order to go?”

A heavy sigh escaped his lungs as he sat down beside the old man once again. Staring at the ceiling he concentrated on his experiences here. A smile painted his face as he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. The old man smiled together and placed his hand on his shoulder handing him his briefcase.

“You dropped this,” said the old man.

“Oh! Thank you.”

Traeger took the briefcase and placed it into his lap. He followed the outline with his fingers tracing every bit of it. Staring at the brass lock that had sealed it shut for so long he slowly lets out a small laugh. The old man continued to watch with the same smile.

“I just remembered the combination. Seven, three, two, two, three.” said Traeger.

The briefcase opened and he found a letter inside. His eyes stared hard as he pulled the paper out and tears began to fall from his face. The ink ran along the tears distorting his writing even more.

“I remember now, why I’m probably here. It wasn’t an easy thing to do after she left. I felt so lost and I thought I had lived my life to the fullest at that point. I see that I didn’t make the correct choice and I have to live with that for the rest of this train ride. You’re right, old man. We aren’t meant to leave this place and I think I can finally live with that. Thank you for your help. You’ve helped me regain what I should have kept with me my whole life.” he said.

“No worries sonny, and I think it’s time to go”

Traeger faced the old man in confusion as he saw in his peripheral that the door was now open. Taking his briefcase he approached the door. Taking one final look back to the old man who was now standing gave him a final wave good-bye. There was nothing past this door and Traeger took a deep breath for the final time on this train. The letter fell from his pocket to its final resting place as he disappeared forever.

Dear Aurora,

I will forever love you. You gave me a life I never thought possible. A breath of life that filled my lungs with happiness and joy. I felt that you always saw me for who I was when no one else would. Then we had Eva who brightened our darkest nights. She changed our lives even more. Then this cruel world took her life from us. I am sorry that I couldn’t have been stronger for you and I hope you understand that I’m not doing this to hurt you. It’s just the only thing I feel I can do. It’s all I have left. I’m so sorry. When I see our baby girl, I will tell her that you love her so much. Good-bye Aurora, I love you and this world is better with you in it. Something I could not see in myself.

Love, Traeger.

The old man picked up the letter from the floor and began to fold it away. He placed his hand on the door and took in one final breath. He found a place to sit as a woman came up to him in a panic.

“How did I get here?” she asked.

“How do any of us get here I wonder?” he asked back.