What Now?

Nothing.. there’s no other way to describe it. I see nothing, I feel nothing.. There’s nothing left. Nothing, and no one. Except me.

So many questions, with nothing to show for an answer. “How did it get this bad? Why me, why am I the only one alive..? What now?”

Was it really this bad, were things really so far from saving that the government just thought it best to just destroy the city? They said it wasn’t a real possibility, the virus shouldn’t be spreading fast enough for vaporization to be a viable option. They said that things were looking up, that trends were on the rise. Even in the wake of a new strand of this virus, they said they were closing in on a vaccine. They told us they would protect us, and that they would stop at nothing to halt the spread of the virus..they said we should trust them.

Trust.. humph. There’s only been one person in my life who I could authentically trust. She was my wife, my partner through life, my best friend. She was the only real love I had ever felt. I knew she would never bail on us, but more importantly, I knew there was nothing that could make me love her more. She was the only person. The one solitary person in my life that I have ever been able to trust. She was my peace, she was my North Star, she was home.

I can hear her now, trying to ease my anxious mind. She knew me so well, the cliche was never more evident than with her. ‘She knows me better than I know myself.’ Its true. She knew I would conjure up the worst case scenario without hesitation. She also knew just what to say to calm me down. “Listen to the doctors, they’re close to finding a viable vaccine. They’re closing in on answers, we just have to be patient and trust them.” The reality is she did trust them, she was convincing me to trust them, and I was starting to believe them because I believed in her.. We trusted them too much, and they panicked.

Sure we were the epicenter of the virus, but we certainly weren’t the worst off. Our city was just the beginning. Manhattan, Los Angeles, Chicago, they all struggled much more than we did.. and they still vaporized us. They asked us to trust them, but the reality is they didn’t trust us.. and now, there’s nothing.

She trusted them, we all trusted them, and now, because of the trust, we blindly did what they said. We naively just followed orders, even though it cost everyone the ultimate price. They told us to stay inside the city limits. They told us to stay in our homes and watch the countdown on tv. They wanted us to congregate inside the city limits and mindlessly watch as they counted down to our demise. They wanted us to sit there and do nothing.

And now there is... nothing. Houses, trees, families.. gone, like they were never there. There’s just.. nothing. Nothing but dust and rubble, nothing but the heartwrenching memories of yesterday. The kind of memories that overwhelm you with a flood of emotions. The mind that when they hit, they knock you to your knees and make you punch the rubble..

And that’s when I saw it. The flash of Turquise underneath my tear soaked rubble.. in the shape of a heart, like the one that was destroyed, was the locket she loved, the one I gave to her on our first anniversary. The heart is damaged, but not destroyed, and in that moment I felt the worst of it. I angrily panicked, I started screaming for her.

“RIPLEY!!” ... “RIPLEY!!” .. with tears streaming down my face, I yelled one more time.. “RIPLEY!! Please..” as I collapse into the rubble, my hands begin to shake. My body goes cold. My chest feels as if I had an elephant sitting on top of it. Not knowing what else to do, my mind began to wander back into a pattern that I hadn’t taken part of in many many years. I began to pray.. begging Him. “Please.. please tell me she’s okay. Tell me she’s safe, tell me that she’s still here somewhere..” but, much as it has always been when I try to speak to Him, I hear.. Nothing.

As I lay in the rubble, feeling my consciousness slowly start to slip away, I’m struck with the horrible realization that my home, my peace, my best friend.. she was gone. She was a victim, she was a casualty, she was.. nothing.

With my final thought before the darkness takes control, all I could think.. with all the strength left in my body, all I could mutter was “What Now?”