What if?

A distant cry of an infant reverberates down a hospital hallway. In harmony another cries out. Twins. The mother cries with joy as her precious sons are being held together. She glances down at them, so frail and small, laying side by side. The doctor tells her that they need to be taken away to be put in intensive care. She whimpers and is reluctant to hand them over. Ultimately she parts with her newborns.

“Will they die?” she shakily asks the doctor. The doctor stares quietly at her and has said enough with his silence. Softly he says “We will do our best.” as he leaves her to be alone. A moment that lasts a lifetime has her standing in front of a machine that keeps her boys alive.

“We are not so sure they will make it even after the machine helps.” the doctors tell her.

“I will bring them home. I want them to live their life by my side.” She says in a whisper.

“There isn’t a good chance they will survive if you do that.” They warned her.

“ I know...But, What if they survive? That’s a chance I’m willing to take.” she tells the doctors. The boys are older now. Curious boys they are. Playful and exploring wherever their feet will take them. But a new danger lies before them. A father, who is a monster in disguise. Boys will be boys, and will be punished wickedly. A time to learn and explore is filled with pain and confusion. Is he hitting them truly with his own fists? Are they actually being bad children? Isn’t a father supposed to love them and yet they bleed their love out onto the floor.In the night the brother cries to himself “What if this is just a bad dream?”. He awakes in a moving truck filled with his brother, sister and mother. Maybe it was just all a bad dream. These scars are just from playing too much outside. Will this new place be a place of peace? A false sense of peace cascades down onto the boys and his family. Once they move again to a new home he feels that something is a bit different. Little did he know that it was a darkness that was born long ago before his own existence. In the family where love should be is anguish. Competition to survive above all others and to only care about your own desires regardless who it harms along the way. A dog eat dog world in this tiny home. Home? Can you call it that? A cage is a better terminology. The only place meant to be safe from harm and yet the brother could not escape. This nightmare has chased him from birth. The villain that is closest to him, his own twin and sister. Family. What did it really mean? Not love but only to take and live for yourself is what he learned. How alone did he feel even while living in the same place as his own twin. What will he do? What can he do? Mentally attacked and physically beaten on all fronts.

“Will I die here?” He asks himself. Will he stay and just die here? Can he live without love? Love? What is that? Take, is what that is. But he has nothing to take.

“I’m already alone here. Is it much different out there in the real world?” He says to himself as he stands in the doorway. A path he knows he must take alone. A kid with the pressure and understanding that he has to survive and has no one there to back himself up.

“What if…. what if I can make it. To Survive alone?” he says to this new unknown. He looks over his shoulder back into his cage where all of his memories hurt. Tears begin to swell in his eyes. But these are not tears of being afraid but for feeling like nowhere was made for him. So young and yet cornered in this life that doesn’t seem to be a fit for him. He steps forward through the doorway and cries at his home for the last time.

High school was such a blur, but not in a sense of the usage of narcotics. A blur due to the fact that he was constantly wondering where to go next and where to call a place a “home”. Home’s don’t exist. Did he even get to live as a child? What is a childhood when your main concern is where to stay or eat? Starving for so much in this life. Not just for food but for some form of affection. Forming bonds with anyone who would have him and yet he held scissors to that thread ready to cut ties at a moment's notice. Did grades really seem important when you aren’t viewed as anything to anyone? A ghost in the crowd. A mask is what he wore. A great mask indeed. A mask of comfort and happiness with a life filled with joy. How do we replicate what we never felt? Pay attention to all the others and mimic their happiness. He steps through the door in the school hallway onto an auditorium. The crowd is filled with his peers and strangers alikes. Graduation day has arrived. How did he make it this far? Surrounded by his friends and teachers he smiles behind his mask. His family is present but whisper disbelief of his accomplishment. No faith in him still. Why bother? What if it was a miracle he made it out of high school? Miracles? These don’t exist in this story. First love finds him as cuid pierces his heart. Well he thought it was cupid. Just another demon to make his life miserable. For years did she attack him with her jealousy and insecurities. Projecting all of her negative traits onto him constantly breaking his spirit. Giving and taking love as one who gives money and takes back the change, purely transactional. Once again he is taught that love is not something that is shared or given but as something only temporary. Until love isn’t needed anymore and taken back. He watches her as she sleeps. Feelings of despair and loneliness creep up once again. Something touches his shoulder and yet he refuses to look back, for he already knows who has a grip on him. The same demon that has been there since the start of his life. What a lonely life he has lived. He turns out the door once again to face the world alone.

“What if love doesn't exist? Not for me anyhow.” He speaks softly as he walks down the familiar road he has walked his whole life. It’s a cold road. What is there to believe in? He begins to wonder if this is it. This can’t be it. There has to be more to this life. He stands in front of another door to his new house. Steps out of the cold and into the warmth of being surrounded by friends at his cookout. Unexpectedly he meets another love of his life. Love? Is that what this feeling is? He wonders to himself. So many years of not knowing what that is, he easily confuses false adoration for love. A parasite disguised as a caring person. He thought that giving himself up completely was how to show love. Drained him of everything he was and had. Never a second glance or even an apology to him. In fact when she left him, he was still to blame for it all. Could you believe that through all the laughs and journeys that a small part of himself was being chipped away. He knew what was happening but was too afraid to let go. If not this person then who else? A blanket that is producing too much heat and yet too afraid to leave for fear of being cold after leaving. A black hold filled his home. Nothing was there even though it was filled with activity. He reached out so many times and yet no one was there to pull him out. She turned away and told him that it was all his fault. What if it was his fault? Everything was his fault. Did he do his best? Did he actually try? What if she was right. An escape was needed, but where to go? A bottle was all he saw. Drown out all the thoughts and perilous conversations that lead to nowhere. Drink. Drink. Drink. Those conversations were haunting him. There was no love in those words. Must gain control but we have to lose it first he thought. He lost full control one night like the turning of a channel. Emotions were high and so was anger. He pushed her away both figuratively and literally. A true mistake. A breaking point. He fell down onto shattered glass. Though shattered glass would have felt more comfortable than how he felt in those moments of regret. He closes his eyes with his head down, hands pressed against the floor and begins to squeeze both his eyes and hands. Trying to release everything away from him. This ghost, this demon or whatever is pulling him down into this pit of brokenness. His eyes open. Boxes in hand he packed the vehicle. Lost it all. But did he really lose? Or did he gain something more? Gained the knowledge that he was drowning and needed to get fresh air. Reaching up towards the sky his hand ascends to the clouds. Tears are swelling below his eyes.

“What if I am the one damaged?” He thought to himself.

Floating from one hobby to another. It's been so long since he felt himself. A lifetime ago where he was actually smiling and laughing. Like humpty dumpty, he is slowly being pieced back together. Days are brighter, colors with more meaning than before and not so gray. Grass is greener with a shine that he had forgotten.

“What if life can be better and I can be better?” He spoke to the world.

In a crowded place now, there is a happy gathering of so many people who are filled with joy. Why are they filled with this emotion, because it’s a wedding. Watching two who are in love join their life together surrounded by those who adore them. He walked through the crowd to get to his food and there she was, it was like a light switch turned off. Where did everyone go? Who is she? Her eyes locked with his and she gave such a sweet smile. Her lips were as red as roses. Her hair was that of golden fleece, braided and wrapped beneath her crown. Never had he seen such a beautiful shine. Her eyes that sparkled brighter than sapphires pierced through his soul. He saw nothing else. Just her in her red dress. She walked up to him and exchanged pleasantries. He held his hand out and asked if they may dance. Her eyes widened with excitement as she placed her hand onto his. The night never seemed to end. They danced as if no one was there and to this day he still doesn’t remember seeing anyone else. Just her with the music. The night had to end of course, he hesitated as he drew closer to her. She stared into his eyes, never breaking away or blinking. Something about her drew him in ever more. Warmth washed over him and for the first time he felt his heart beat. She shyly looked away ever so slightly as she bit her lip softly. He knew right at the moment he wanted to kiss her. But why? What if this isn’t what it means. He has been wrong so many times before. What if she is the same as the others? She is just waiting and biding her time to leave and use him just like the others. The moment seemed to last even longer than when they danced. He stared into her eyes and he leans in taking a chance that completely terrified him. Please not her. Their lips touched and the world stood still taking its own breath in for that moment. He embraced her and she pressed closer to his lips. He backs away slowly and opens his eyes to look at her one more time. She slowly opens her eyes and asks him, “What took so long?”

He blankly stares back at her, inhales slowly and breathes his words to her, “What if this isn’t meant to be?”

She smiles softly with her eyes closing and in this moment he felt at peace. A look no one has ever given him to his remembrance. What was that? She has taken so much away from him. She holds out her hand to him. He looks down at it and puts his hand in hers.

“What if this is just the beginning of something new?” she spoke to him.

He hesitates and says, “What if it ends?”

“What if it doesn’t?” She speaks back.

They begin to walk out together hand in hand. As they reach the edge of the door. She looks at him and right on que he looks back to her. Smiling, they squeeze each other's hand tightly and step out at the same time into the future. The door closes behind them with a happy click.