What If?

A beam of sunlight entered his room, turning the wall opposite the window a soft gold. It was the only bright light in the otherwise subdued hospice room. The old man in the hospital bed watched the beam flicker as the fluttering curtains crossed in front of it, creating a change in hues and shapes on the wall. The sight was a pleasant distraction from the constant beeping of the machines stationed next to his bed. He had always enjoyed the sun’s rays bouncing from object to object, casting shadows on some and presenting others in stark detail. What if this would be the last time he saw the sun?

The old man redirected his focus from the sunlight to the term, What if? His mind scrolled backwards through his life to his earliest memories. The phrase, What if, attached itself to the memories he was now reviewing.

His father was a hard-working man, often holding down two jobs to support his new family. He had little time for playing with toddlers. Discipline was an easier commodity for him to dispense than love. In his father’s mind, the two concepts were interchangeable. If you could walk, you could pick up your toys. If you could make mouth noises, you could say words. There was simply no place for coddling. If his father was kinder, more loving toward him, would he have been a better dad to his own kids?

The old man’s memory scrolled forward, stopping at his first day of kindergarten. The boy in his memory had never seen so many children in one place. He never thought of himself as shy, but he was quiet. He waited for the other kids to make the first welcoming move, and if they didn’t, he stayed by himself. Eventually he made friends, but his parents moved and the process repeated itself in a different school. It felt as though every time he started to fit in, his parents moved to a different city or state. What if he had stayed in the same elementary school for six years? Would he have become more sociable?

An unexpected flicker in the beam of sunlight caused his memory to pause at a point where he knew what he wanted to do when he grew up. The sun, moon and stars had held his imagination for his entire childhood. Now, in his first year of middle school, he watched as the Russians and the U.S. competed for outer space. The boy in his memory wanted, with all his heart, to be a part of that race. Unfortunately, he lacked any aptitude for advanced math and science, and his dream died on the vine. What if he had tried harder?

Moving forward in time, the teenager entered high school, where he started playing varsity sports. He discovered an aptitude for football and wrestling, but also wanted a car. When he asked his parents to buy one for him, his father replied, “Get a job and buy your own.” Football gave him positive exposure to girls, but having a car meant he could actually go out on dates. He opted for a part-time job and, after saving for a year, bought his first car with none of his parents’ money. What if he had pursued sports? Would he have earned a scholarship?

The car and the job led him to meeting his high school sweetheart. From the beginning, his parents disliked her. They felt she was distracting him from his schoolwork. His father wanted him to become a lawyer. His mother had hoped for a priest. He wanted to learn to fly. Life devolved into daily arguments and recriminations. The boy, now a young man, left college after his first semester and joined the Air Force. Two years later, he married his girlfriend. His parents vehemently opposed the marriage, but he only saw what he wanted to see. What if he had listened to them? Would he still have the same children he has today? Would he have met and married his true soul mate after enduring a contentious divorce?

The old man continued to scroll through his life, stopping from time to time to ask, What if, finding no definitive answers? His mind arrived back in the hospice room, machines still beeping by his bed. He looked at the fading beam of sunlight and posed two last questions: “What if there is no heaven or hell? What if he simply ceased to be?” Those were questions he was about to find answers to.

As the sun faded from the room, the old man began his last journey.